Aspie confused about feelings

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I don't have aspergers syndrome, or autism. I met a man with aspergers syndrome. He's 24, and I am 22. I knew he had it from the start because I have read about it before. He also told me he had it when we first met. We have been dating now for a a couple of weeks, and I really like him. I have gotten used to his obsessions, his schedules, etc. I don't see him any different anymore. I can talk to him in a way that his conversations aren't so one sided too.

I can understand his facial expressions. I know when he doesn't want to do something, when he's happy, when he's nervous, and when he's mad.

He says he misses me when I am gone, he enjoys my company, he enjoys the sexual part of our relationship, and I make him happy. However, he's starting to have doubts about us being together. He said when he kisses me he doesn't feel butterflies in his stomach, and there is no strong emotion when he touches me.

I am just confused that he has doubts. We're still trying to make it work. I have told him sometimes it takes a while before feelings become strong, but he thinks it should have been instant. He's never been in love, and he says he's confused about how he feels. He's only had one previous girlfriend.

How can I help him? Do I just keep giving it time to see if it works out? I really like him. I am afraid I will fall in love and he won't. I already care for him very deeply.

And, also, he says he gets sexual urges a lot. Is this common when aspergers? He seems to be more sexual then other men I have dated.

Any advice would be wonderful.

Thank you,
Ashley

Well, first the easy question:

He's 24. Having frequent sexual urges is common with men! The difference (if there is any) with him may simply be a combination of the limitations on his ability to express his sexuality with another person and his recognition of sexual stimulation as a distinct event, rather than as part of some continuum of daily life.

Now the hard question:

He may be feeling the full extent of his emotions already. While not all Aspies are the same, there are certainly some of us for whom access to deep emotion is not in our experience. I have been with my partner for almost 19 years, but I don't think that there was ever, "butterflies in the stomach."

This is probably a subject for him to discuss with a counsellor. As for what you can do, you can support and encourage him in exploring this. It will be a journey that you can hopefully take together.

Thank you for your response. This might be a question you cannot answer, but how does someone with asperger's know when they are in love if they don't have access to those emotions?

We have only been dating for a couple of weeks so I think it would be way too soon to feel love, but he seems to think it should be instant.

Do lots of aspies have the same obessions? His main obession is fitness.

I have been trying to encourage and support him while he works on his feelings. He wants to give it a few months to see if something develops. I just want him to be happy either way.

No, Aspies don't have the same obsessions - that depends on the Aspie. Aspies frequently have more than one "special interest" as well.

I don't think Aspies (in general) have the same expectations as NTs regarding how romantic relationships develop. There seems to be an "all or nothing" vibe...kind of a lack of patience for getting to know each other in the absence of a commitment. I'm a serial monogamist by nature, so exclusivity is very natural for me...but there does seem to be an expectation that one should know whether a relationship is going to work in the long run - almost from the beginning. It's just not realistic. In the first few weeks of dating, you can know if you're hot for someone, you can think someone has great potential....but you can't know enough about them to make a real "I could live with you for the rest of my life" commitment to them. (Well, you could make the commitment - I just don't think you'll necessarily want to keep it.)

I'd see if he's willing to consider counseling...but I don't know if your Aspie has the flexibility, maturity, etc., to be able to modify his expectations of the relationship. I would be very cautious, honey. I just got my heart broken at pretty much the same point in a relationship....and I've never gone from the "Honeymoon" to over (particularly with no indication there was a problem with the relationship). Good luck.

Last edited by HopeGrows on 24 Dec 2009, 12:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yeah, I think this guy is confused as to what love is supposed to feel like. I don't get butterflies in my stomach. Maybe you need to explain to him that butterflies are not a vital part of a relationship

Aspies are all different. Experience of the feeling of love also varies from person to person. I would say to be careful here, it's very easy for a heart to be broken.

Also, remember to stay honest with yourself and him, both are very important (I hope you can understand what I mean because sometimes I'm not so clear explaining things).

Definitely have him talk to a therapist, but focus very specifically on emotion, and what it is to experience it. He sounds as if he's under the impression that all emotion has to have a physical component and it all has to be nearly overwhelming. Stories of love and societal pedastals of it can contribute to this because alot of aspies won't understand it intuitively and so try to understand it by reason of what they're told. This is something I fall into myself. It's very very common to read stories of love at first sight, see the fairy tales of it, hearing it in religion and whatnot. And often NT's when asked above the love of their life will give a nostalgic answer of how they met and the major feelings they had when they saw their SO and whatnot and so on. It's all very romantic and all very often not true.

As for him having a higher libido, that's certainly something I can relate to as my own is extremely high. As to it being an aspie thing, definitely not. There are quite a few aspies on this board that actually asexual. So, this is something that is simply a differential in person and hormones. However, an aspie mindset can easily allow for more flexibility in sexuality; this is something I have myself, as I'm extremely open about sex because I don't see a logical reason for it to be the hush-hush subject alot of society places it as.

There was another thread recently that was started by a woman in a similar situation, so my advice is the same. This little question he has about his feelings is just the tip of the 'iceberg'. I had a boyfriend for 4 years and he was so confident in his feelings for me but I wasn't sure that I was in love; I just knew that I liked him a lot (I have 'aspie traits' he is NT). I would try to have this same conversation that your boyfriend is having with you but my boyfriend would always tell me that things were great and he didn't understand why I couldn't see that. If I were you I would disengage your emotions from this guy until he is sure of his feelings.

I just broke up with my boyfriend so I guess that's why I am a little bit on the 'negative' side of this... If he is telling you his feelings aren't that strong, believe him, otherwise you might find that you have wasted years of your life....I could be wrong.

(sorry I just reread this and my sentences all seem a little odd, but I hope it is coherent.)

To answer your question, Asherybelle87, I don't really have anything to point to in order to know that I am in love. I know that my partner is an important part of my life. I know that we share many interests. I know that we have demonstrated adaptability as our relationship has changed over time.

I don't even know if it is different for NTs. Fiction and movies paint a picture of romantic love that I know full well that I have not experienced--but I think that there are many NTs for whom fiction and movies are also unrealistic.

In one sense I think that I am fortunate--because I am gay, I never looked to mainstream fiction and movies as a guide for my romantic development. Since I never expected, "love at first sight," I was not disappointed when I didn't feel something that our culture had led me to expect.

'Butterflies' are indicative of an obsessive crush, always a sign of heartbreak dead ahead.

If he tells you there is no strong emotion, I'd take that as the clearest communication you could ask for, you just don't seem to want to accept it. It sounds as though he's happy with the relationship remaining primarily sexual and you're wanting to crowd him into something deeper, which is making him doubt whether you belong together. His instincts are probably right. Either accept what you're being offered, or move on and look for someone who wants what you want. He's not going to change.

"Making it work" is a fool's myth. You share the same goals or you don't.

Don't get me wrong - I am not passing any negative judgment on him - a relationship comprised of friendship and sex may be what's perfect for his emotional needs, but if he's comfortable with that and you're craving something more intimately supportive, there's just going to be endless conflict and disappointment as you continue to press him for something he doesn't have in him to give you, and he comes to resent you for being a suffocating whiny pest about it. It won't have a pretty conclusion.

Been there, done that. You have been warned.

I was going to mention this too ^. It sounds more like 'aspie honesty' than someone who isn't in touch with his emotions. The average guy would keep telling you how much he loves you even though he wasn't really feeling it so he could continue to satisfy his physical needs.... but I'm not an expert...

It seems like he's had a few "crushes" in his life and in his opinion such a feeling is a prerequisite for a woman to apply as a suitable partner for a long term relationship. He doesn't seem to have had this feeling with you, and now he's probably confused about what this means for your relationship as you seem to connect at least partly on an emotional, an intellectual and a sexual level. I guess you should give it some time until he convinces himself logically that maybe a relationship can develop without a "crush" and that such a "crush" can sometimes come in the process of spending more time together as a couple. Don't force him into believing that, but try to allow him to figure that out on his own (unless he comes to you with questions about it). Meanwhile, keep in mind that his Autistic thought scemes may be too inflexible to allow such a development in his view on relationships and in that case you might be running right into a dead end.



I don't think there's a real distinction in libido between men with Aspergers and Neurotypical men (in both cases, they range from asexual to sexual predator), however there may be a difference in how men with Aspergers and Neurotypical men express their desire to have sexually intercourse with you due to the social deficiencies of people with Asperger's.

Any advice would be wonderful.

Thank you,
Ashley[/quote]

People with Asperger's don't have access to other people's emotions (they're not empathic) but we do have emotions of our own. We can feel a "crush" on someone, we can be in love with someone, we can feel sadness and we can feel joy. But since we don't have any access to their emotions as there is no empathic inpute, we simply have to deduct what other people are feeling logically.

So basically, we can tell whether we are in love with our partner. It is, however, much harder for us to tell if that love is reciprocated. Your parner does know how he feels about you, but he can only logically deduct based on your behavior whether you love him.



Obsessions among Aspies are as diverse as hobbies among Neurotypical people. In my case, my obsessions have varied from mathematics, computer programming, graphic design and various human sciences to collecting Franco-Belgian comic books and antiquarian books. Whatever obsession I pursue seems to depend on whatever stage of my life I'm in.