is there an NT women with an AS BF/Husand here??

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Can any NT Women give examples of things for you that are common in a relationship with an AS man? I want to try to explain to my NT GF more about who I am but, it is really difficult for me. I was hoping I could get some help explaining my AS. Perhaps some personal examples that hopefully would not scare her to death.

Maybe this place might help you more:

http://asdrelationships.freeforums.org/

I have been married to an Aspie for 3 years.

Things that are common:

Lots of lone time/quiet time needed
Takes a long time to process difficult situations (like relational issues, etc)
Can only handle small talks at a time...no long drawn out discussions
Everything must be fairly routine...adding or subtracting anything to the routine must be done carefully and slowly
Emotional connection is limited...when sex comes into play, this can be awkward. Really awkward.
Outward affection for him is no problem, but when it comes to expressing his love, commitment, or his feelings for me, there's nothing.
Changes as a person (hair color, attitude, beliefs) are VERY difficult for him, because he expects or at least expected me to stay the same forever. When I dyed my hair brown (it was blonde) he flipped and almost left me.
Smells, sights, sounds, all have to be fairly neutral as he is sensitive to those things. So intense perfumes, confusing surroundings, and certain sounds, will make him back away or be distant.

I have to be reminded that it's not a reflection on me. Just because he is distant from me does not mean I have done anything wrong. It means he is in his own world, and he does not know how to express, or does not see the need to express, his feelings for me. He is very financially supportive and supportive of other things, and that is what I have to go by. The one thing in him is that he is *exceedingly* loyal, and honest. He would never cheat on me in a million years, and he is very bluntly honest about everything. If I am patient and understanding, he will give me his trust. If his trust is broken for any reason, he shuts down for a while because trust seems to be a very big issue.

Black and white. Everything is black and white. It's either yes or no. Up or down. Good or bad. There's no inbetweens. If the speedlimit says 60, going over 60 could be very dangerous. Going under 60 might be ok, but not really. Certain foods are or are not ok. And there's no inbetween about that no matter how it's cooked. The list goes on and on. I have to be accepting of these things and not criticize them even though I may believe otherwise. He comes across as expecting me to believe it and keep those same rules too, but I just have to basically ignore that and push forward because it's ok for me to be my own person.

As the AS boyfriend, I would suggest two things. Strongly work on your communication with her...even though it's really, really hard. Communication is so important in a relationship and if there's no communication you won't be able to get to know each other at all, never mind work through stuff. And one more thing...let her be herself. Be open to her changes, and accept them as a "new her", a newer and better way of living for her. Even if you don't like the changes, you can still accept them and still love her despite them. She needs to know that you love her unconditionally. hard to show, but it is worth it if you work on it.

Good luck and I wish you and your GF all the best.

Aren't those answers to be found whitin your self(knowledge)?

I for example could say:
"You might need to buy a dog, because I don't beam empathy like most other people do.
Your dog can then provide you with the missing bits."

I hate it, but it is quite true.
I work on being more empathic, It appears very difficult to learn.
It is hard to know yourself.
[ ]I used to think I was a very empatic person[/ ]

i've been in a ltr with an aspie that is now my spouse, and i have a few suggestions/comments.

i think it's important to filter all of this through things that are specific to not just asperger's but you in particular. my partner spent a lot of time patiently explaining his quirks as they came up, and i spent a lot of time pausing in my initial reaction to certain behaviors or situations. it takes a tremendous amount of patience on both ends.

the aspie partner has to keep in mind that the nt person can intellectualize what quirks are related to autism but still get frustrated on occasion. as an nt spouse i found it helpful to not assume malice or the worst despite whatever the surface of a situation presents. i don't do it every time but if something goes awry i very consciously start thinking this through. i ask specific and deliberate questions about the intent or process of my husband's statement, behavior, inaction etc., and that helps tremendously.

when we first started dating my husband asked me to talk to his family members about his diagnosis, the process, and what life with him is like. i also tried to spend time with him in situations that were extremely familiar and safe to him with people he's known his whole life to get a sense of where his comfort zone is.

i haven't had any of the issues about change in my person that randomgirl has (haircolor, attitude), in that way my aspie is very flexible. but here are some of the things we've experienced.

negative consequences in a decision making process have no bearing on behavior. by that i mean, if my partner knows that something will go wrong if he doesn't complete something by a deadline, even if it's crucial, it can sometimes be very difficult to work within the confines of that pressure. just like with any other relationship i think it's important to give your gf an idea of what your limits are and play to each other strengths. for example, if i know that my husband can not make a phone call no matter the reason or importance i handle the communication.

tell your gf that she will have to ask for what she needs and that you are not likely to intuit it. sometimes it can sound a bit odd, like therapy-speak with all the "i feel" statements, but i've found it quite helpful. i will actually say "the response i'm looking for is _______." or i will tell my husband that there are things that he can say that are reassuring, or that certain of his behaviors when they are done silently communicate distance. he doesn't know he's sending signals, so i just ask him if that's his current emotional state.

i will second randomgirl about downtime, sensory issues like noise, and reminding your gf that your disposition most likely has nothing to do with her at all.

it might also be helpful to find other hopeful and positive nt/as couples in your area if you're involved in any autism groups. it was great for me to socialize with one couple in particular that had been together 15 years and the nt partner wasn't on a martyr trip about his partner's as.

good luck to you both. i'm an nt person and my best possible match was an aspie guy!

no offense, but people with AS sound like some of the most boring, rigid, uncompromising people to ever be with
I could never dream of being like that, if something changes, bfd I have to adapt to it
thats how life is for everyone else, thats how it was growing up, can't regress backwards

I've had flings with AS people and let me tell you, they were horrible, horrible days, I regret every moment of them
but I am a bit biased I suppose

I'm an Aspie, and I think it would take a very strong NT woman to want to be with me.

Background: I'm a NT who met my AS husband in college when we were 19. We married at 20 and are still happily married at 25 years old. We have a daughter, and an overall stable relationship.

This wasn't always the case. My husband didn't know he had this particular issue until about six months ago. Things have become so much better between us since we figured out where the communication issues originated.

Here are some things to tell your girlfriend:

- People who have AS generally want consistency. An unforeseen problem, a change in plans, etc. can cause extreme frustration for someone with AS. This frustration can manifest itself in ways that are frustrating for the NT and/or are socially unacceptable.

- Don't push someone with AS to face a situation head-on when they can't handle it. It can cause them to freak out, and that doesn't do anyone any good. If they say they need space, give it to them and discuss the problem later.

-Explain to her just how difficult facial expressions/eye contact/reading between the lines in a conversation are for you. Use specific examples. My husband knows how to make solid eye contact in a pinch, but he says it makes him feel like running away or throwing up from anxiety. He hides it very well, but it's good to know what he's feeling so that I can make life easier for him.

-Sex can be a tricky subject with an AS man. From my observations, they like very specific acts and have trouble connecting sex with love even more than NT guys. Their view of gender roles/sexual expectations is very inflexible. If they're sexually liberal, everyone must be sexually liberal. If they're conservative, you must be conservative too. In my relationship, we put each other through hell over sex. We're to the point that we trust each other again, but it was a long, hard road.

- Extreme stress is more likely to trigger a violent outburst, as the person with AS is more likely to feel like he has no other alternative than to lash out physically. It seems that most men with AS either choose to not act at all when threatened or use extreme force. In other words, the bully on the school playground is either ignored or has multiple bones broken. (Not that we really feel to sorry for him anyway...)

The best way to go about educating her is to try your best to explain your own actions after the fact. Say, "I did ______ because I was feeling ________." Eventually she'll get the general idea.

Finally, I'd like to say that my husband is an absolutely amazing man, and is the love of my life. I know that all that I wrote sounds horribly negative, but I'm very happy to be his wife. He tries his best to meet me halfway. He loves me even when I don't deserve it. He offers me invaluable insights into aspects of life I'd never even considered. We're both geeks together. He's an amazing father to his little girl.

If she's the right kind of girl, and you work hard to meet her halfway, she won't regret being with you.