aspie women & relationships - our struggles

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yeah, i come across really control freaky too (it may be true, in my case). i am also a perfectionist about myself.


i do connect with people, but it's always with a grain of salt because i wonder if it will last. i don't connect at all with family, like parents and sisters though. i try, but sometimes i feel like there is an uncrossable chasm. i connect with my husband and daughter, although my daughter (at age 16) is seeking some distance.

here is the thread about the GLBT subforum. in the thread alex actually agreed to set it up, but i think he is very busy and doesn't want to have too much change all at once, maybe (there is recently another new subforum that people are still discombobulated about):
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt138024.html

what i am reading here from both of you is something i noticed about myself as well - i somehow give off signals that i mean one thing, but i actually intend something else. i don't always speak up at the appropriate times either, so sometimes i end up in awkward situations.

once in grade 11 i had a guy tell me that he wanted to show me a new art wing in my school on registration day when it was deserted. we were acquaintances, and he seemed like a nice guy. i went with him, and right away he started to kiss me and his hands were wandering around.

i didn't process what was going on very quickly at all, and i didn't think to say no. maybe 5 seconds later his girlfriend walked in and she got very upset, understandably. i never did tell him to stop, and every time he saw me after that he would grab my ass or try to kiss me. i didn't find him attractive at all, so i always wondered what signals he was getting from me.

obviously, i learned better boundaries later on, though it was definitely a learning curve.

(p.s. i also don't really like too much affectionate touching, though the occasional spooning is ok. husband long ago gave up on holding hands with me - my hand twitches or goes limp lol)

I know what you mean and it happens sometimes, but I was referring to something else. For instance, I'm quiet and polite - many interpret this as submissive and not very smart, so they feel encouraged to be dismissive and pushy and get angry when I push back. I'm told I look vulnerable and somehow lost - I'm actually very independent and self sufficient. You get the picture I guess.

so you saying that you are misunderstood by men because of the outward impression you give? that makes sense, and sounds difficult.

Something like that - fortunately it doesn't matter much any more.

The body language thingy affects me more with other women - at the beginning, when they try to establish hierarchy I don't recognise the signs and seem passive, placing myself at the bottom. When they try to assert their position and get nasty, I react - and usually quite strongly - so in a way I imagine they are entitled to feel angry, because I actually mislead them without intention.

women establish hierarchies? wow.

maybe i fly under the radar because i am quite passive IRL. or maybe i'm at the bottom of the pile and don't even know it!

I found out about it rather recently too. But it shed a lot of light on past interactions - I used to ask myself a lot why some got nasty "out of the blue" when I barely opened my mouth.

Women are just as competitive and exclusive as men and in my opinion more conformist - the methods they use are much more subtle, even passive aggressive at times, which makes it a lot harder for an Aspie to notice and interpret them correctly.

i do think men appreciate this. i just don't think stereotypically it's what they're expecting in a relationship partner.

whenever i read threads like this i wonder why dating other people on the spectrum isn't proposed over and over again as the answer? it seems the issues we're all having (male and female) have more to do with people wanting or expecting us to be more normal or fit into socialized gender roles better, when that isn't practical or possible or desirable for most of us.



i don't especially either, but i'd call it a huge loss.




i agree with this.

i plain don't think anyone acts admirably in a typical group situation. men get vulgar and insert homophobia into their humor; women get gossipy and competitive, and start tearing other people to shreds. i worked with almost exclusively lesbians once and was pretty comfortable at first - i could be myself (i am straight, but here was an environment in which i wasn't expected to act a certain way because i'm female). but after awhile i noticed the same sort of group behavior. a little from the male column and a little from the female column. sorry if i'm offending anyone with this observation. i don't think it's male or female behavior; i think it's a product of male / female socialization. important distinction.

i opt out, if possible, but i have a really hard time in every employment situation.

I have AS. You should all know what that entails.

I should not have to give a detailed description here of how that makes it difficult for me in the realm of dating as if I were talking to NT's.

See, when that sh*t starts to happen, I just smile and take my ball and go home. I refuse to play, and that's infuriating to them or at least very disconcerting. But I no longer care. That's the beauty of being in one's 40's. Like with those women who get very nervous when you talk to their husbands, there's just no explaining to them that I see no difference between the women and their husbands, as people. I'm not trying to chat him up, I'm just talking to him, politely, one person to another. But to the wife and to other women, I've somehow crossed a line. Even though I'm older now (less of an immediate "hottie" threat, or whatever they're thinking). I find it easiest to talk to nonpredatory men, which is what most husbands are. If I'm somehow giving off some sort of engaging signals, then hallelujah, that's a first for me. Doesn't mean I'm into poaching.

This is why it's difficult for me to connect to people: I don't like their rules, even when I can figure out what's going on. To me, there's absolutely nothing automatic about "attraction" to a person, be it a relative, a romantic interest, a potential friend, etc. I have to analyze everything, because that's how my brain works.

you don't have to do anything at all. if you read the experiences on the thread, you will see that we aren't all identical, so it has been hlpful to some of us to share what we think and feel. if your experiences fit perfectly into a box and therefore you have no relationship difficulties, then great!

but if this thread isn't helpful to you, you are under no obligation to read any of it at all.

I found this out the hard way when I tried to be friends with a group of women (mostly online, thought i knew one of them in real life) a few years ago. We were all fans of a band and I had no idea that being a fan was to them an intensely competitive sport. I thought we were just laughing and having a good time. It turned out that I was entirely unacceptable, both because I didn't conform (it was utterly unacceptable to them that I didn't harbor sexual desire for the band's singer, for instance) and because I had been a fan much longer and had even talked to the singer years ago. This made one woman in particular intensely jealous, and she turned on me, ousting me from the group and making me into a pariah, hated by all the others. It sounds juvenile, but it was terribly painful. My one attempt to be social was ended with a figurative brick to the face.


Yes, sadly, I feel the same way.


I don't find groups of men as snide and combative as women, but they typically don't want me -- perhaps as a woman, but also as a taciturn, odd woman -- in their groups. Currently, my only friends are three men and a woman who is a lesbian and possibly on the spectrum. But since both of us are quiet and awkward, it's not easy for us to hang out together. I see this as a potential problem in making friendships and perhaps even relationships on the spectrum. Doesn't at least one party have to be able to carry on a conversation or know how to make the first, second, and third, etc, move?

I have a similar problem. My little group of friends are made up of quirky people that I adore, but none of us have very good social skills and we very rarely see each other, however, we do enjoy it when we meet up. I decided that I would try and organise a trip up North, we could rent a cottage and get away for a week. This is proving difficult to arrange. None of us could really organise our way out of a paper bag. At least the thought was there on my part though.

you got to be kidding me? is there some rule that the husbands are higher ups from the wives? (this was a response to a comment about establishing heirarchies .. )

this pecking order crap makes me crazy. do people who do grasp these sorts of pecking order rules think about what it means before adhering to them?

seriously, sometimes i feel like everyone else is living in the matrix.

I think that the earlier comment about hierarchies was about the pecking order that women establish within a group of women "friends." At least that's how I understood it, and it's something I have experienced first hand, though I only became aware of it in hindsight, of course, after I had been run over by it...

i've never really had a group of female friends, so i guess i wouldn't know anything about this ...