I STILL miss her...wtf

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Honestly, my ex of 2 months now treated me like total crap and emotionally abused me constantly. There were a few incidents where I treated her poorly, too, but it wasn't the constant stream of complaints, rudeness, and mixed messages she gave me. She probably didn't even love me as evidenced by how she's hit on two of my closest friends several times now. I was simply Mr. Right Now and then promptly thrown to the wayside once the semester began. I'm convinced the only reason I miss her at this point is that I have not been getting laid by girls I feel attracted to lately because she treated me so poorly half the time.

I knew we were going to break-up eventually. Something this harsh, however, I did not expect. She completely acts as if I don't exist every single time we've run into each other since the break-up. She was joking about marrying me, had plans to move in with me, and tried to get me to not take a job offer in a city far away (the job fell through, anyways) just the week before the breakup. I slept by this girl's side every single day for 4 months. We spent all our free time together while mutually knowing there was no actual connection between us. We were constantly fighting when we weren't having sex or romancing each other (completely dangerous relationship, imo). There was lots of physical attraction and neediness, that's about it. We confounded this with love.

A few days ago, I bumped into her again. We exchanged some glances as usual. She always looks really pissed off with me, has this tinge of sadness in her eyes, or if she's with her new bf, she flirts with him hardcore while looking at me. I probably always grimace whenever I bump into her, but god damn, she hurt me big time. I would say hi, but I just don't see any friendliness there, so I just keep going along. It's feels freaking awkward and childish to totally ignore someone you were that close with. So, I texted her asking why we don't at least acknowledge each other's existence. She immediately responded by telling me she has no desire to talk to me, that I treated her like total crap, and that she's perfectly happy at the moment (doubtful of this one as she has BPD and bipolar). I don't want another relationship with her, I just hate the awkwardness and we're gonna be bumping into each other like this constantly for the next 2 years since we go to the same university.

When we were breaking up, I refused to remain "friends" with her (we were never really friends to begin with). However, I did not say that I would sh*t talk her to my friends and become her worst enemy. In fact, while it does hurt me, I encouraged my best friend to date her because I know they have a lot in common (they never ended up dating, but if they do, I'm not gonna hate him for it). Her, on the other hand, completely sabotaged my chances with this girl I took out on a few dates and kissed a few times.

I've also been rejected for dates by 5 different girls in the last month. All of them weren't nearly as attractive as my ex, either. One of them madeout with me several times on 3 different dates, yet would be a total pain in the ass to get to come out and I had to put in all the effort. She'd never come back to my place or vice versa, either. I feel like we really got along well, too. What the hell.

The girl I had sex with a couple weekends ago understands me on a psychological level better than any girl I've met, but the sparks just aren't there for me. I don't feel anything for her and I feel like the sex would've never happened had I not been drunk. I want to love her, but I can't bring myself to because there's no challenge here. I'm just not that attracted to her. She's also bipolar which completely scares me away from her as I've had this experience once before now.

I know my ex is over me. It's been 2 months since we've talked, why am I not over her yet? There isn't a single day I don't think about her. Is it simply because I have not slept with another girl that attractive and in order to get over her I'm going to need to bed a girl more attractive than she was? It can't be.

OP, it doesn't sound to me like she's over you. If she were over you, she wouldn't go out of her way to show her contempt for you when she sees you. She's clearly angry with you, whether that's warranted or not. Being angry with someone is pretty much the opposite of having a lack of feeling for that person.

How long will it take you to get over her? As long as it takes. The important thing to remember is that as bad as you two were for each other, you still had a lot invested in her emotionally. You had hopes and dreams for your relationship, and you projected a lot of those hopes and dreams onto her (whether she deserved them or not). Its hard to let your dreams die....but keep in mind they're just your dreams for that relationship with her - not any other woman. As to your question about having to sleep with someone as attractive as your ex in order to get over her....you answered your own question, didn't you? No, that's not the "cure" you need. You have to process your feelings for her - and that takes a lot longer than banging someone-who-is-not-your-ex.

I don't know. I'd be over me if I were her. Her current guy looks really smart, he's like 6'5", has his own place without roommates, and has a cool French accent.

She's the one that dumped me, god damn. The person that dumps the other has the least to lose usually. I mean, I did dump her like 4 times before this and the last one seemed serious, but really, they were all because she had overstepped some boundary and really got on my nerves. I still loved her, though. If she still had feelings for me, she wouldn't blatantly try to sleep with my best friend because she would know that would hurt me. I wouldn't want to hurt someone I once loved.

I really feel like I'd be over her if I met a girl I found as attractive as her AND could have a seriously good conversation with (I met one, but she has a boyfriend and I don't want to ruin what seems like a solid relationship). So far, no luck.

No, often quite the opposite. This would surprise you.

hmmm, that still wouldn't explain why she was all smiles when I said, "OK, f*ck it, let's break up. I give up" when she said we needed to have a serious talk. I mean, she did take me back for a few hours the day she was trying to break up with me, but it was under the conditions of no sex for a couple weeks because she was so hurt by the last time I broke up with her that she couldn't feel anything for me anymore. Then she proceeded to be very guarded when I tried to cuddle with her. She started to dictate that we should only peck each other on the lips for now. So, then, I said "f**k this" and walked out the door.

Literally the day before this she for the first time agreed with me that maybe love is a compromise (it is unless you're an idealistic novice) and she talked about how she met some cool foreign exchange students. She probably hooked up with one of these guys the following weekend or perhaps even the next day. God knows. I figure the reason she wanted to keep me w/o having sex with me for two weeks was because she simply wanted to hold me over as a backup in case her new foreign exchange bf didn't work out (and the first guy didn't work out, haha, she ended up sleeping with his friend a few weeks after sleeping with him).

So no, I think she's just playing victim and really never had feelings for me. She simply used me as a therapist and companion because she couldn't stand the thought of being alone. I should be the one angry here, but I'm not. I feel used and abandoned, but not really angry, just kinda upset and embarrassed that this has affected me so much. I literally feel like she prostituted herself out for my emotional availability. She complained so much during the sex that she couldn't have enjoyed it (she didn't allow foreplay, no tongue kissing, wouldn't let me give her oral sex, complained that I took too long, was painfully wide for her etc). On top of that, for a couple that spent almost every waking moment together, it was very infrequent (like twice a week).

That's exactly what I mean. You'll get over this. In fact, it sounds like you're on your way. Your conscience is clean; who knows where she is in all of this?

Oh, but she would, OP. As a matter of fact, men and women do that to each other all the time: sleep with your ex's roommate, friend, classmate, someone your ex hates, someone your ex loves. They also try to prove just how much you didn't mean to them by boarding the "moving on" express: date the first thing with a pulse that comes along. And yes, unfortunately, the goal is usually to hurt the ex. So while you wouldn't want to hurt someone you once loved, you have to realize that - unfortunately - everybody doesn't play by those rules.

Eh, I could tell she had feelings for him the day I introduced them to each other. Whenever I'd bring up that guy, I'd get like this emotional soft spot reaction and she'd always ask if we could visit him. He's really good looking, all women love him. The other friend of mine she hit on, however, was a friend of mine she did truly despise because he constantly got in conversations with me that she couldn't join in on since she isn't a neuroscience major, musician, or philosophy buff. That one was totally revenge.

But yeah, I think you guys are right in the assessment that she still has feelings. I don't know how because she really wasn't all that sexually attracted to me given the frequency we had sex. Maybe they're "I want this guy's affection and all of his attention but know he's gonna leave me when he finds someone less abrasive than me" kind of feelings.

It just blows my mind why people need to Hate their former lovers and pretend as if they don't exist. Young people meet up, they love each other for a while, and then they grow apart. It's really not a big deal. I'll always have fond feelings for that girl, regardless of how poorly she treated me. It doesn't mean I want to be her lover again, it just means I respect our past. Being that intimate with someone (not physical intimacy, but rather emotional intimacy) is like a sacred thing and you should always be respectful of it.

HopeGrows, I don't get it. What has she got to gain by hurting him? She was the one who broke up with him, so she can hardly claim revenge. Also you imply that everyone, or at least the majority, plays by those rules! Is that true? I know people don't act logically, but this doesn't seem anywhere close to rational behaviour.

I have to admit that if you do the breaking up its pretty pointless to get nasty unless the other party does it first.

BUT

It has been known that even if someone does the breaking up, they still get butt hurt if someone gets over them a) too quickly or b) seems better off or happier with someone else.

This butt hurt doesn't last. When you're fully over someone you simply don't care. Doesn't mean you have to like them but are unaffected by what they do or who they date.

Other possible reasons:

The breakup was only for attention
She was hoping he would chase after her again and is annoyed when he doesn't

These are all games men and women play.

Thanks, hale_bopp for the explanation. However, if her motive was to get him to chase after her, she took a HUGE risk by spoiling his chances with a new girl. That takes spite to a whole new level, and is pretty much a permanent deal-breaker. If she is simply angry because she felt forced to break up with him and doesn't want him to find someone else too fast, that is still inexcusable. I'm not saying you're wrong, just that if those are her justifications she is taking it waaaay to far.

or if c) the situation is really complicated, it's not clear who's really the one breaking up with whom, and the one initiating the breakup is plagued with doubt and guilt about it.


Not forever, hopefully, right?

Okay, I didn't say that everyone plays by those rules. I told the OP that not everyone plays by his rules (which for the record, I think are better rules).

I think that your conclusion that the person who initiates the break-up is not interested in "revenge" is flawed. As @hale_bopp said, sometimes the break-up is a ploy for attention - or a bid for power and/or control, e.g. do what I want or I'm gone. Don't get me wrong - I'm not advocating that behavior - I'm just saying that it exists.

Other times a break-up occurs, and there's plenty of residual anger (justified or not) about things that happened during the relationship - and that anger can be expressed in a lot of ways. (And unfortunately, there may even be residual anger from prior relationships that get directed at the latest ex. That's completely inappropriate behavior, but it does happen.)

I guess the thing to remember is that just because a person initiates a break-up doesn't mean that he/she is emotionally "through" with the relationship - or the ex. The OP's ex has an untreated mental illness, so I wouldn't expect her to behave rationally. If I were the OP, I'd give her a very wide berth, and expect her to behave like an immature, angry, mentally ill person. He'll be less hurt in the long run.

The opposite of love isn't hatred -- it's apathy. If she were "over you," she'd be apathetic instead of intentionally trying to piss you off or hurt you more. The fact that she's still trying to influence the way you feel means she still cares about how you feel, and caring is caring...which is to say, she still cares about you.

What YOU have to do is not care about her.

The first step to not caring about her anymore is to forgive her for being the way she's being right now. Forgiveness isn't a favor to her, either -- it's a gift to yourself. It's closure.. You don't even have to tell her that you've forgiven her -- just allow yourself to feel forgiveness for her.

Once you've truly forgiven her, you won't feel so compelled to continually rehash everything that happened over the course of your relationship and subsequent breakup because it just won't really seem that important anymore.. When it pops into your head, you'll be able to say "What's done is done" and move onto the next order of business without much trouble.. You'll think of her less and less, and when you do think of her, it conjure up less and less negativity.. Eventually, you'll realize that you really don't think of her much at all, and even when you do, you don't miss her or wonder why she did what she did or wish you had an apology or some kind of "final chapter" or whatever....you'll feel very little, in fact. She'll just be a thought...poof...in and out of your head.

And then one day you'll bump into her and she'll give you the stinkeye, but you truly won't really care either way...you might even pity her, sincerely.

What you have to watch out for then is them trying to worm their way back in to regain a little control.. Not "them" as in women, of course..."them" as in CRAZY, ABUSIVE PEOPLE.