To All the Ex-Partners Looking for an Explanation....
HopeGrows
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As for me, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my ex and our relationship. For whatever reason, I was not the right one for him. Many people have thought that he was a "douche" ( ) for dumping me and for citing my drug addict ex as the reason. However much I loved him, his negative feelings towards me manifested themselves in some angry behaviour towards me, and left me feeling frightened of him at times. I tried to explain it away, justifying it by his Aspergers, but no guy has the right to yell at you in the street and threaten to throw out all your clothes onto the pavement because you told him about your previous relationship difficulties. Aspie or NT, there are standards of behaviour in a relationship that must be adhered to, and if your partner isn't playing along, you have to leave.
You're welcome, Maggie. As to the bolded text above: true that, sister.
So I am doing a bit of work on me. I'm making some changes to my life; moving house, taking up some hobbies I have wanted to do for years, and doing some reading about relationships. My current book, which comes with me as I explore nice little coffee shops in the area, is Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. Obviously not all of it will be relevent but it will hopefully explain why I put up with men that are un-healthy for me, with the hope that they will change into nice guys. So hopefully when I do finally meet Mr Right, I will be in a happy place in my life.
I think you might be being a little too hard on yourself here, Maggie. You didn't "let" your ex-husband take drugs. You could have left him sooner, I'm sure - but you couldn't have stopped him from taking drugs. His relationship with drugs was the most important relationship in his life - but that was his choice, kiddo.
I've recommended "Women Who Love Too Much" so many times! It's an awesome book. I also recommend "Co-Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" by Susan Forward. They may help you understand yourself, and the relationship choices you've made. I found them really helpful. I'm glad you're feeling better, and that you're taking some time to tackle your own stuff. It's truly an investment in yourself - and I know you won't regret it. Take care, hon.
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What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
HopeGrows
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Age: 50
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Yes, I've dated a few AS men. Thanks for your sympathy....figuring this out has helped amazingly. I feel lucky to have an answer - not a happy answer, but an answer. I really am lucky.
Glad to hear you are lucky, Hg.. we all could use a little luck in life
Completely agreed.
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What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
Yes, I've dated a few AS men. Thanks for your sympathy....figuring this out has helped amazingly. I feel lucky to have an answer - not a happy answer, but an answer. I really am lucky.
Glad to hear you are lucky, Hg.. we all could use a little luck in life
Completely agreed.
Cheers.. on top of that, I found my passion in life... doing presentation on my life with AS and how I did it. First presentation was this evening before 20 people for 90 minutes, which ended up in a rousing applause.
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Scott
"The Jazz of Life - the only way to live life"
Dx'd with AS and AD/HD Combined in 2007
Interests: Music, great outdoors (beach/mountains), cooking/baking, philosophy, arts/sciences, reading, writing, sports, spirituality, Green, sus
HopeGrows
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Wow - that's incredible. Congratulations on this milestone, and on your great success.
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What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
Women who Love Too Much and the Men who etc book are both awesome. I believe they were written 20 years ago but still apply today, I dont think there are any more helpful books for women who are in this situation.
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"Caravan is the name of my history, and my life an extraordinary adventure."
~ Amin Maalouf
Taking a break.
I have just been coldly and unceremoniously dumped by my Aspie BF of 11 years. I came here looking for answers because he refuses to speak to me. It is comforting to see that I'm not alone but sad to see that this probably could have been predicted. He has told me that he doesn't need to give me a reason for ending our relationship. I am currently an utter mess, in case I need to state that.
I keep seeing these same books being recommended...they are about loving men who are emotionally unavailable, right? Is the implication that loving an Aspie was a pathological problem of mine?
HopeGrows
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Joined: 5 Nov 2009
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Location: In exactly the right place at exactly the right time.
I keep seeing these same books being recommended...they are about loving men who are emotionally unavailable, right? Is the implication that loving an Aspie was a pathological problem of mine?
Hi @talulah. I'm very sorry you're going through this difficult experience. I don't think your break-up (or the way your ex chose to handle it) was particularly predictable. Asperger's isn't the only predictor of how a person will behave. There are certainly co-morbidities to consider, but there's also another important factor: character. Character plays an important part in determining what any person - Aspie or NT - will consider "acceptable" or "decent" behavior. So don't beat yourself up over the belief that you should have seen this devastating incident coming; there are far too many variables at work.
To your question about the implication that loving an Aspie is a partner's pathological problem: no, that's not the implication. These books attempt to demystify why women choose partners who are not the best for them. None of the books mentioned deal with Aspies specifically. I've chosen a mate or two (non-Aspie) who were incapable of being good partners...books like these helped me understand the impact that my own emotional and psychological health had on the choices I made when it came to partners. They may not be applicable to you at all (you may want to read the jackets before you put your time into reading them). Anyway, I'm very sorry for your loss...I hope you're able to find some answers, and/or at least some peace. Take care.
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What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...
@HopeGrows: Thanks very much. I'm going to post a long rambling version of my story in another thread because, dammit, I just can't help myself. I need to overshare right now. I'm finding this forum helpful, though. I'm seeing some painful reality in here. I definitely "loved too much." I thought I could do it all myself. Why not, I did everything else in the relationship?
Talulah - I am so sorry for your loss, and I can appreciate your pain. It is a bereavement process that you are going through and expect to feel all the emotions of anger, hurt, disbelief and sadness. Being dumped without a reason is a terrible shock, and having all contact severed with your best friend, overnight is gutting.
It maybe that your ex is simply behaving badly, but sometimes there are other explanations as to why guys do this sometimes. I put this issue to the forum and got some very helpful and insightful answers - have a look at the recent thread on this forum: Break-up - Aspie Style!!
I hope this helps, however sometimes only time can really do that. Just keep your head up, keep your dignity and remember that you can get through this
Maggie xx
I keep seeing these same books being recommended...they are about loving men who are emotionally unavailable, right? Is the implication that loving an Aspie was a pathological problem of mine?
Every time I read a story like this it opens my wounds again. My ex dumped me, now six months ago, and was kinda distant to me for a month before that (didn't really explain why he was "backing off" despite my asking) and won't talk to me even to talk about why. I made my last ditch attempt to contact him about 3-4 weeks ago and got hung up on, and I'm trying very hard to move on, but without the explanation I need it's so hard. I kindasortawellmaybe know why, but it's so vague I'm having trouble not blaming myself, even though he has said it's not my fault.
Ugh... Maybe I should stay out of this whole L/D forum for a while...why do ppl DO this???? I wish they wouldn't.
~Kate
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HopeGrows
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Joined: 5 Nov 2009
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,565
Location: In exactly the right place at exactly the right time.
I keep seeing these same books being recommended...they are about loving men who are emotionally unavailable, right? Is the implication that loving an Aspie was a pathological problem of mine?
Every time I read a story like this it opens my wounds again. My ex dumped me, now six months ago, and was kinda distant to me for a month before that (didn't really explain why he was "backing off" despite my asking) and won't talk to me even to talk about why. I made my last ditch attempt to contact him about 3-4 weeks ago and got hung up on, and I'm trying very hard to move on, but without the explanation I need it's so hard. I kindasortawellmaybe know why, but it's so vague I'm having trouble not blaming myself, even though he has said it's not my fault.
Ugh... Maybe I should stay out of this whole L/D forum for a while...why do ppl DO this???? I wish they wouldn't.
~Kate
Honestly, Kate - people behave that way because there's something wrong with them - that is not about Asperger's. It's painful and it's awful and it hurts - but it is so not about you. I know it doesn't help that much to hear it, but I believe it's the truth.
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What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful...