Found my ideal Aspie guy by accident

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Okay, my first post, so please bear with me - I met this guy at work quite by accident. I had to email him on a regular basis for work (he worked at a different branch to me) and always enjoyed and laughed at his emails. He is a really funny guy. We started emailing in March and as time went on, I felt we were developing a real "connection". I went through a marriage split (we had been broken up for a long time, although living in the same house) during that time and found that he was so sympathetic and supportive. When I thought I would lose my job (I worked through an agency), I gave him my mobile number and told him that I didn't want to lose contact with him as I really felt we had become friends. My job carried on and we discovered we were about the same age and had a lot in common, ie the music that we both liked and stuff. We carried on emailing and texting as well, which was a lot of fun as I had moved out and was living on my own by then. I even invited him to my house (about 50 miles away - makes me laugh now when I think about it!) to come up to hang out. But he never wanted to (!)

Then an opportunity came up to go and work at the other branch, where he works. I had a bit of notice of when I was coming and was really pleased that I was finally going to meet this guy in person. Imagine, a guy, single, around my age, who made me laugh and was sympathetic. I was already half in love with him at this point, although we had never met....

One night, when we were both drinking (on the other end of the texts!) he told me he had Asperger's.

I have been at the other branch now for about three weeks. I think he's fabulous. I have done my "research". He bought me cakes on my first day. I have bought him an MP3 player and filled it up with loads of music (he likes to listen to it through headphones, as it drowns out other unwanted noise) which he seems really pleased with. He has brought in books to lend to me and I try and give him something every day, either a CD that I've burnt for him or chocolate (which he seems to love), or anything else I see that I think he might like. He has bought me cakes for the past two days running I take him a bottle of hibiscus every day, which he does drink and seems to like....

The problem is the same as everyone elses really! How do I know whether he likes me? Or if he likes me just as a friend? Actually, while I was writing this, he sent me a text and I just asked him if he wants to hang out some time, if we have a framework of what will happen when, as he has trouble saying hello or goodbye. I figured if we set in advance what train he would be getting home, or what time we would leave to drive him home, he might feel comfortable with that. I think he gets it. But I'm not sure. I'm a bit scared to be honest. I just feel quite lonely and depend on his texts quite a lot, which don't always come (as obviously he's doing his own "thing" or chilling and stuff). I am a grown up and am trying so hard to understand him and the way he thinks. The days are okay when we're at work and he does make excuses to come up to the office where I am and I do go down and see him a lot during the day, just to catch up. It's just the nights and weekends where I have trouble! I just feel so lonely sometimes and don't know how to encourage him or find out if he is interested or not

Well, if you met him by accident, it's a good sign. Since he makes excuses to come and see you, it means he likes you, or at least he likes you enough to make excuses for you.

Lol. I just asked him (he's in the pub as usual) if he wants to hang out "some time, not necessarily this weekend". He's not answering. I told him if he doesn't answer it makes me feel stupid. Do you think he'll get that? I'm so trying to be honest and not ambiguous with him. I'm trying to follow everyone's advice! I guess I just feel I need some support from someone, hence my posting here! Maybe it's the wrong place to look for support! Lol..

Oh well, I've just had a message from his friend as follows:

"I dont mean to be a b***h or to interfere but iain lacks the balls to tell you himself because he has a fear of hurting people that most guys lack. Anyway, you are suffocating him. He is extremely independent and does not need anyone. You are coming on way too strong and its stressing him out. I dont think anyone is his type. he doesnt actually want a woman. and he doesnt like being nagged and forced into stuff. The more strongly you come on to him the further you are pushing him away. He doesnt want to hurt you cos he likes you. But he doesn not want a relationship. And you are unlikely to get him to do anything that involves breaking out of his routine. So you ought to stop asking him to come over"

So I guess I have my answer.

That's a shame, because it sounds like it was a promising start.

When you asked him to go to your home initially and he didn't respond I think you may have realized then he wasn't interested. I don't like how he got one of his friends to email you about his feelings. .He should have did that himself and it wasn't a particularly nice way of letting someone know that you aren't interested and I am sure he reviewed the contents of the email before it was sent ..I would start concentrating on someone who is legitimitely interested in you .

His early actions really don't seem like someone who is NOT interested in you. It looks to me like he might be giving you the hot-cold treatment (ie, see the other post about pick up artists). I could be wrong, of course.

Actually, the more I read this response, the more I think it's complete BS, and meant to be manipulative by him.

First of all, it is very coy in revelation that it's a female. A very subtle way to evoke envy or jealousy. Second, it attempts to paint Ian as a 'nice' guy who has a 'fear of hurting people that most guys lack.' In addition to be wildly inaccurate, it's meant to play on your insecurities, that you might be missing out the best thing since sliced bread.

Furthermore, suffocating? Really? You were essentially answering his every advance with one of your own. To me, it appears he set you up in order to use this very retort so as to hit your self esteem.

But, then there's the pull back...he still likes you. That's there to keep you interested, to give you hope.



That's my gut reaction...the entire missive sets off warning bells for me. Anyone else get a weird vibe from it?

Talk with him and find out. Good Luck!

... and welcome to Wrong Planet.

I can't see any expression of romantic interest from either party, they just come across as really close friends. Am I naive?

is his friend a woman ? She said "I don't mean to be a b.." not bastard, so I am assuming she's a woman. Maybe she wants him for herself so she made up all this? Are you sure he knows about this email?

I personally can smell a jealous woman in this email.

**sniffing** *sniffing* ....yea.... definitely a jealous woman, and it's of the stinking spirited kind too.

*sniffing* *sniffing* she is also blonde, 5'6" ,128 pounds, she wears Victoria Secret perfume, Cashmere Vanilla fragrance, red heels

*sniffing* ....wtf? Can't say more...what a horrible friend she is!

Call him and ask him about all this.

I dont burn a cd/buy an mp3/buy a box of chocolate daily to any of my friends.
I might give them something I found that reminded me of them every now and then but everyday just seems like too much.

Thank you all for answering my post.

I sent her (yes, it is a she) a message back saying thanks for telling me that he isn't interested. It hurt a bit, the method of him letting me know (and the wording, as it went on to say that he "doesn't want you", which I found a bit much!). I feel that I have given him plenty of chances to say no to anything I asked him. I didn't like being accused of "nagging" or "forcing" him to do stuff. I merely wanted to be open and honest with him. We were doing so well yesterday with communicating, that I am a bit disappointed. She did however post a picture of him on FB last night sitting talking to someone in the pub, saying something like "wow, look, don't believe it, he's socialising". So I feel that tempting him a little at a time to move out of his comfort zone is helping him a bit. He said he has trouble saying hello and goodbye, so we talked about some strategies he can use for that...it obviously worked if he felt he could go and sit with someone in the pub instead of standing at the bar all night on his own (self-medicating presumably with alcohol!)

Personally, I feel that he is just bloody scared. He feels unloveable, refers to himself as "a dead person" etc.

I didn't text him at all today (he had taken a day's holiday from work as we have builders in and they are really noisy) and then this afternoon he sent me a text telling me what a lovely afternoon he was having. It was just as if nothing had happened. I'm not surprised, as I say, I've done my research. But I made it clear to him that I was not happy with what she had said, that I felt that he could have said it to me himself etc. I'm not really happy with it at all - the tone of the message indicated that she was getting off on it a bit, enjoying it a bit too much (I cut some of it out for posting here). I'm glad that some of you seem to agree with that. He said that he was just trying to get "a woman's perspective". I replied that I wasn't sure that the opinion of a girl in her twenties is really the same thing as a woman who is nearly fifty!

So, since I texted him that I was a bit annoyed about it, he has retreated to bed for the afternoon for a nap, before getting up and going off to the pub again this evening. The same pub where his "friend" works behind the bar. I can't compete with a girl who is twenty odd years younger than me (and him) and who sees him every night. I live fifty miles away from him. I wouldn't just turn up there because I know he wouldn't like that at all. So I've decided to take a step back for a bit and see what happens over the weekend, if he texts me again and if he tries to get me on FB - I don't want to play games with him that he might not understand (as my friends who don't know he is Aspie keep telling me to "play hard to get" and I'm not sure if that's appropriate in this instance!). I'm just going to keep on being honest. I've made it clear to him that I'm not going anywhere. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks again guys, it means a lot - I don't really have anyone else who understands this stuff to talk to about it!

Should just say that she herself is a recovering anorexic and I know they are pretty supportive to each other generally. But I don't think he read the email before she sent it. Even if he did, he might not pick up on the things that I did. She said that people had tried to set him and her up "romantically" but she wasn't interested. Maybe she feels threatened by me and thinks she might lose her support from him? I would be more into helping him support her really. In a way I wish I had put the whole of her message here instead of cutting it.....

Your approach seems to be the best, given what you know. You were (kind of rudely) told to back off, let him have his space, and now you're allowing that to happen. With that, he may feel a little guilty about how this lady-friend texted you, but him sending you a message about the lovely afternoon he was having is promising, I'd say. If you don't want to post the rest of the message, feel free not to.

Let him have the weekend. When you next see each other at work, see how he acts and reacts to your presence. If it's different from previous weeks, he may have been effected by your lack of presence in his life over the weekend.

... Not sure what else I can say. Ciao!

No, don't step back. Now it's time to invade.

This is like war over a land, if you retreat now your enemy is gonna try hard to take it, after that it's gonna be very hard to win.

That girl feels threatened by you and she's going to act very very fast.
Be faster, move your panzer forward and smash that b***h!:p