Getting my girlfriend to trust me

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A while ago my current girlfriend, Erin, ran a google search on my name and saw my discussion about Anne. Back then I explained to her taht I am not in love with Anne any more. The only reason I was talking about Anne is simply because I consider her refusal to be in a relationship with me as a type of judgement about me, as a person. So it doesn't even matter how much or how little I like her. The only thing that matters is what went in her mind. So, it isn't about her, it is about ME.

Back then it sounded like my girlfriend finally believed me. However, a couple of days ago something else have happened. She has asked me whether or not I like watching TV. So I seized an apportunity to ask her whether or not she watched a movie that is called "just friends". She decided that I was trying to tell her that I wanted to be just friends with her, and I brought up a movie just because I was trying to say it indirrectly.

This assumption is simply not true. The reason I am curious about the movie is simply because I am obsessed about the concept of people being closed friends without actually being "in a relatinoship" as a result of whatever have happened between me and Anne. So, when I explained it to Erin, she again started to worry that I am still thinking about Anne.

In other words she accuses me of two separate things:

I. The fact that I was bringing up "just freinds" movie in order to find a round about way to be "just freinds" with Erin

II. That I am still thinking about Anne

But the point is taht if you think about it, I can't possibly be guilty of I and II simultaneously. I mean, if I am guilty of II, then this would be the reason why I brought up that movie, which means I am not guilty of I.

Furthermore, I am not guilty of II either. I can show it by simply bringing up a number of examples when I have been obsessed about something I DON"T want:

1)Lets take my first girlfriend, Sarah. She was treating me like a little kid, so when I moved from Minnesota to Michigan, I simply neglected her. For 3 months she kept trying to call me or email me to get my attention while I kept neglecting her emails, and eventually she broke up with me. So, since I was the one neglecting her, I was supposed to be GLAD she broke up with me. NEVERTHELESS, I kept obsessing about her for the next year. Why? Because I was offended by her thinking process that caused her to break up with me. So, even though I was no longer in love with her, it didbn't change the fact that I was obsessed by her thinking process.

2)Now, lets see what I was obsessed with while I was seeing Anne. Granted, AFTER her rejection letter, I was obsessed with her. But the interesting thing is that UNTILL she wrote me that rejection letter, I was NOT obsessed with her at all. Instead, I was obsessed with one girl whom I met on a chatroom only ONCE and who was rude to me: http://www.wrongplanet.net/asperger.htm ... highlight=
Now, did I like that other girl better than Anne? No way. I was simply obsessed with that girl and not with Anne because that girl was the one who have insulted me.

3)Half a year ago the chairman threatened me that unless I find a ph.d. thesis advisor I would be kicked out of school. Right now it is no longer an issue because I have found thesis advisor. Nevertheless, I still obsess about it because I don't get the logic behind such a decision, and find it offensive.

4)Back at the time I had my first girlfriend, Sarah, I was in love with her for the first two months of a relationship. Nevertheless, during these two months I kept bringing up to her all the girls I met online before her, and how they were all rejecting me. I were NOT in love with any of them. I simply had a need to talk about it in order to make sense of why they did what they did.


Now, let me draw a conclusion. Basically, my topic of obsession has NOTHING to do with liking the subject of my obsession. Instead, it has to do with the fact that I felt JUDGED, so I have to make sense of the judgement. Okay, suppose person A likes me and person B doesn't. In this case the negative judgement of person B is more important than positive judgement of person A. Why? Because from the logical point of view, if you are 99% sure that you don't like someone, you should still talk to them in order to test your assumptions. After all, if you are right in not liking them, you don't have much to lose. But on the other hand if you are wrong, then there is a world to gain. Thus, the ONLY reason a person who doesn't like me would refuse to test their assumptions is if they are 100% sure. And if they are 100% sure that I am worthless, why should I be any less sure? Thats why the negative evaluation weights so much more than positive one. Simply because the people who do the negative evaluation are the very once who won't even ask me what is in my mind and thus act like they are totally SURE.

Now, if you look at example 2, this will confirm my theory. You see, in example 2 I was liking Anne, and neverhteless I kept thinking about the girl whom I only met once in a chat and exchanged few sentences. Why? Because Anne's evaluation was positive while that other girl's was negative. So, I was obsessed about the evaluation taht happened to be negative.

Now if you followed this far, don't you see why I am more obsessed about Anne than about Erin? It is simple. Erin's evalutaion is positive, while Anne's is negative, so I am more obsessed about negative evaluations than about positives.

Now, this does NOT prove that I like Anne better than Erin. After all, look at how many people I were obsessed whom I didn't like. So why should it be any different now?

The problem is that you have broken a cardinal rule of dating: Do not discuss your exes with your current girlfriend/boyfriend. It doesn't have to make sense, just don't do it. If you must discuss your exes for whatever reason, do so only with people you are not currently dating.

ORIGINALLY, I wasn't discussiong it with Erin. Instead, I was discussing it here on this message board. I didn't know Erin would see the message board. She simply ran google search on my name and thats how she ran into this board. So then she questioned why I was talking about Anne, and I adressed it a month ago.

After that, I simply figured that since she already saw my post about Anne, she already knew I was thinking about her. So this means that by discussing Anne some more, I won't be bringing up any new piece of information other than what she already knew. So thats why I dind't have any reservations about it.

Nevertheless, it wasn't my intention to discuss Anne with her. The reason I brought up that movie is taht I was hopping to learn what happened strictly in that movie, and then draw all the other connections within my head. So, I simply asked her if she ever saw a movie "just friends". Yes, the reason I was interested in that movie is because of Anne, but I didn't say it to her that way. I simply asked about the movie, period.

Now, why did I tell her about Anne few minutes later? Well, basically because after bringing up a movie, she accused me of something worse. In particular, her original thought that I was bringing up a movie because I wanted it to be a passive-agressive way of telling her that I want to be just friends with her. She decided that I was too scared to say it straight up, so instead I decided to invent some ways of saying words "just freinds" in a different context. But I know for a fact that this is simply not true. I want to stay in a relationship with Erin. And regardless of that, I never resort to passive agressive communication styles. I simply don't see why would talking about a movie "just friends" be equivalent to asking the other person to be "just freinds".

So, in order to fight this accusation, I had to bring up a real reason why I was talking about the movie. And the real reason was Anne. So, my thinking was that if I were to tell her that I was thinking about Anne and NOT her, this would automatically "clear" the accusation that "just friends" was ever dirrected to Erin, because Erin was simply out of my mind. However, for some reason it didn't work that way. On the one hand, she did follow the fact that it was about Anne, since she was pissed off that I was still thinking about Anne. But on the other hand, the next day she again brought up that I was dirrecting the words "just friends" at her (Erin) in a passive agressive way. And I just don't see how can the two accusations be true simultaneously. I mean in order to be passive agressive towards Erin, I should be obsessed about Erin. And if I am obsessed about Erin, then it can't be about Anne, and visa versa.

More more you deny it, the more she will think it's true.

Just drop it. If she asks why, tell her that you're not interested in arguing about it anymore.

Why? I mean from logical point of view it should be opposite. Someone who robbed bank is trying to hide. If you keep brining up a subject it should mean that you have nothing to fear.



Actually she is the one who tries to drop it. I try to push her to stay on topic because I am not sure she believes me. It seems she is simply tired of the arguing.

How bout telling her that the post you made on WP is irrelevant now that you are in a relationship now. And why was she googling your name in the first place? I'd ask her that.

What kind of an as*hole girlfriend do you have that spies on you behind your back?
Jealous people are never a positive influence and deserve no attention. I would ditch her for that alone.

The point is taht we started a relationship in beginning of April. So the post was made when we were in a relationship for quite a while.



Basically she self-diagnosed herself with Asperger. She got an official diagnosis a week ago. But she self-diagnosed herself few months ago. So one thing she told me about herself is that she likes to overanalyze things. She kept asking me if she was driving me nuts with her long emails when she overanalyzes things. I decided to tell her that she isn't driving me nuts because I am that same exact way myself. So I have shown her some posts that I wrote way back in 1998 in a totally different forum, which has my true name on it. She apparently liked these posts so she started to search for me in other autism/Asperger forums and eventually came here to wrongplanet.

I don't judge her because I am in the same boat with her. I mean, due to my Asperger I keep second guessing ppl mysef. So I can tell that these aren't exactly trust issues but more an insecurity issue. Personally, I think it is good that we both have Asperger and that we both are insecure because at the end of the day we can understand each other since we are on the same boat. Also, even though she second guesses me, she is also extremely patient and she overanalyzes everything the way I do. So this helps because it means that whenever she jumps to conclusion, I can simply make her sit down and overanalyze her thinking together, and eventually change her mind. Most people don't have that patience for it. Another good thing about her is that she knows that she has trust issues and she admits it. She even says that it isn't my fault but it is because her father died all of a sudden, and so she has fears of people who are close to her disappearing, which ultimately transforms into trust issues. So the fact taht she admitts that she has this problem, and is willing to sit down and talk about it, thats what makes her VERY different from most people. I feel lucky I am with her. Because the bottom line si that our thinking processes are so similar, it is like she is another copy of me. So this leaves room for a lot of understanding at the end of the day.

Seriously, the internet is public. People have every right to do research on you. It can keep you from marrying an axe murderer.



You just answered your own question. It's not obviously logical. If you're not lying, then you have no reason to be obsessed with here thinking you're lying.

Trust me. Just apologize for not letting it go, and let it go. (Yeah, I just said you should apologize.)

But the point is that people are not mind readers. Therefore, even if you are telling the truth, you still have legitimate reasons to worry that others accuse you of lying, because they can't read your mind.

I don't believe you. I wouldn't believe you in her shoes, nor do I really believe you in my own. You brought up a crappy movie with two crappy actors that happened to be named for something that you shouldn't have even considered discussing with your spouse. As such, you don't really want her and you wanted a reason for her to break up with you. May very well have gotten it, too.

Isn't she going to see this thread as well then?

If she's still looking...



Why are you making this assumption?

I saw the worst possible thing that I could see, and then used logic to tie it all together.

There is no way for me to know whether or not the movie is crappy because I never watched it. I don't have TV at home. The way I know about that movie is throgh google searches on "just friends" and I am obsessed about the concept as a consequence of being "just friends" with Anne. So basically, I keep wishing I could watch teh movie SOME DAY just to see what happends there and thus to learn more examples about LJBF. So basically me and my girlfriend are planning for me to stay over at her place these weekends, and she asked me if I watch TV. So I realized that here comes a great opportunity to ask her to rent "just friends" movie so that I can finally watch it.



But you see, I was never thinking of it this way. I mean, if I just talk about the subject of "Just friends" without referring to me and her, why would she read such a reference? I learned a hard way that she did, but frankly this is something that still puzzles me. I mean, if I discuss bank robbers, it doesn't mean that I personally planning to be one. Likewise, I can discuss characters in a movie to be "just friends" without implying that that is the way I want me and her to be.



No, I was obsessed about the general idea of "just friends" BEFORE I ever met her. So, basically if I were invited to ANYONE's house, and they were to ask me if I watch TV, i would immediately bring up this movie in order to seize apportunity and watch it. So again, I would do it if I were invited to ANYONE'S house what-so-ever, so it has nothing to do with Erin. She just happened to be the one asking me about movie at the moment. And I weren't realizing that by talking about a subject she would read off some implications that weren't meant to be there on the first place.