A Father doesn't know whats going on...

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Hi Guys,

new here.

I've been with my partner for about a year and a half now. I have a son who is a month and a half old.

We seem to argue a lot (especially lately) and a lot of the time I just cant seem to see what the problem is...

Yesterday she said 'If you cant see that there's something wrong then there's a serious problem'


I've tried to explain to her the aspergers thing but she doesn't seem to understand... Or want to understand.
I've suggested to her to read up on it to understand some of the things I do better... But time and time again she expects me to understand things she's trying to tell me...without telling me! We all know how well THAT works for us aspies...

She says things like 'you should just KNOW' a lot...

I'm just not sure what to do anymore... With my son in the mix everyone is really stressed and a little on edge...

But I don't know how to explain to her that I am just not capable of giving her the emotional support she needs/wants...
I try, I just don't understand a lot of the time...

On top of that I suffer from sleep apneoa so I'm tired all the time... I love my son to pieces but I just cant look after him at weeknights otherwise I wont have a job because I cant concentrate the next day. Which is a major sore point for her.

I found this list of things '22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger's Syndrome'

1. There will be loneliness.
2. There will probably be no public displays of affection.
3. Labels and romantic expectations make him feel nervous.
4. He will take you and the relationship for granted.
5. He may have a more patient approach to sex than you do.
6. Communication will always be a challenge.
7. There will be shock.
8. Your man may not be there for you in a crisis.
9. Many AS males can be cranky, have bad tempers and can explode at the slightest of things. .
10. Your man may have a hard time completing a college degree, holding on to a job or seeing things through.
11. He may get depressed and/or completely inert for long periods of time.
12. There will be times he embarrasses you.
13. Your family and friends may think you're being a doormat and a fool.
14. People will tell you he's just being a man.
15. You must have a good social support network, so you can go out and have fun once in a while.
16. Your AS male will not care about the things you do without him and there will be things he does not share with you.
17. Time holds a different meaning for him than it does for you.
18. He will probably want to sleep on the couch starting very early in the relationship and continuing throughout.
19. You will never change him, even if you can succeed in getting him to change his behaviour.
20. Even if he loves you and values your relationship, it is possible you may never get a commitment.
21. Many AS/NT relationships go through various metamorphoses.
22. Your relationship will stand a much better chance if your man will REACH.

(not sure what last one is as I haven't been able to get hold of the book just yet.)

Just reading that list makes me feel terrible. All these things that she wants/needs that I cant provide...

I guess I'm just wondering what to do... I don't know how to help her...

Please do yourself a favor and throw that book out. Rudy Simone has aggregated a lot of anecdotal evidence from individuals, in the complete and total absence of the scientific method.

About your sleep apnea, please look into getting a CPAP machine. It will virtually eliminate the effects of the sleep apnea and allow you to help care for your little guy in the evenings. I can guarantee that your relationship will continue to suffer if you don't do what you can to remove the roadblocks to full participation in parenting your child. Good luck.

I am looking into it as a matter of priority.

Thanks for that, I'll make sure I stay away from those books then.

Any suggestions on books re aspergers and relationships?

You might want to search the forum, but the links below might be helpful. (Note that the WP link does contain the book by Maxine Aston - yuck). However, the first link below can give you some insight into the kind of books to avoid on the topic. Also, the CPAP machine really can change your life - hope you're able to do a sleep study soon. Good luck.

Top Selling Asperger's Relationship Books (Reveal)

WP Book List

Firs realize your partner is going through a lot of hormonal and life changes right now, and is having what is essentially a slow moving NT meltdown.

You have not articulated what is setting her off, though you have hinted that it might be something pertaining to childcare.

It might be that she needs a break from tending to your son. When my sister had her first child, who was not an easy baby, she spent much of her waking hours the first month feeding, changing, or holding the baby. Every time she set the baby down it would cry and once the baby started to cry she was nearly impossible to console. The baby did not sleep well and my sister only got 3-4 hours of sleep per night. Her only relief was when I or my other sister came over to take care of the baby for a while, or her husband came home and cared for the baby for a while.

One evening, perhaps a week or so after they brought the baby home, he came after she had been waiting for him all day to relieve her of her duties for a moment, and made a comment alluding to the fact that he was annoyed that the house was so messy and that he didn't understand why she just left the dishes in the sink and didn't fold the laundry, and she, blew up on him.

The issue was, though he is a good husband and a caring father, he had not been in the position of having to care for the baby all night and all day and he had the misconception that staying at home with the baby was a somewhat leisurely activity. He did not realize she could not set the baby down and rest.

If your wife is in a similar situation where she is overwhelmed with her responsibilities and needs help, then that is certainly something you are capable of giving her.

It's not really much different than if the server guy at work was having trouble maintaining the servers and needed help but, assume he has AS or HFA and is not very good at articulating the problems he is having and what he needs you to do.

What you do know is, the servers need to be taken care of, so what is the proper way to run a server bank?

You might make a list of all the things the servers need to keep running, and all of the things the server guy does on a daily basis, and you might choose to do a few of those tasks yourself.

With a baby and a household it's not much different. Babies need to be fed, held, changed, interacted with, and looked after. At 1 month old they have little control over their bodies and can get stuck in dangerous positions. They also need to be bathed in lukewarm water (felt with the forearm or some sensitive part of the body, as the hand can deceive) and frequently have to be coaxed to sleep for naps.

What tasks does your wife usually do around the house. You might start doing one of those tasks. I generally wouldn't ask her if you should do a household task. I think what she is probably expecting is that you do the task when you see it needs to be done. For example, if you notice she hadn't done the dishes yet, it might be beneficial if you just did them without asking if she wanted you to do them.

Concerning baby oriented tasks, it is advisable to ask because these are tasks that need to be coordinated between two people when two people are doing them.

You should also attempt to resolve your sleep apnea.

I try to look after him as often as I can. I try and do the dishes and stuff like that too.

The reason I didn't say is because I don't quite know.

There's a lot of mention of 'We don't spend any time together' that kind of thing. And that's where I guess I just don't know whats required...


Though I do see what you're saying.

Though I make a point NOT to mention housework and stuff like that. I know its not easy. I am under no illusions. Looking after a baby is no easy task.


I will admit I probably don't do enough around the house. That's where the sleep apneoa comes in. It's difficult to find any motivation to do anything when your eyes want to close and your brain has given up. I can see this as being something that might set her off. Though it doesn't seem to be.


It feels to me as though there's no real reason. That there's something else behind it all. Though I'm guessing that's a pretty normal assumption by an aspie.

I once noticed a fairly young man in his early 20's standing in the romance section of a bookstore, browsing the books. For a moment I was a bit puzzled, as I wasn't quite sure what he was doing there, and then it dawned on me. A lot of women like the crap. He was taking notes.

I'm not proposing you ride up to your wife on a stallion wearing a flowing white shirt and whisk her away to make passionate love to her, but perhaps you might be able to learn how to better address your wife's needs with the help of entertainment media marketed towards women. Perhaps what she wants is that you look her in the eyes and have a deep, meaningful conversation with her of the nature which is often displayed in those movies and so on. Perhaps you should woo her as you might have done when you first met her.

i think its of the utmost importance that you explain asperger's syndrome to your wife. her not understanding you is a huge problem here, especially if she thinks you should 'just know' things that are wrong that you are clueless about because of your asperger's. maybe find her a book to read, or write down all the things you have trouble with in a list or something.