Aspergian or As*hole?

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I had the same problem with my ex.

All the advice I can give you is to explain it before it becomes a major problem.

This question sort of suprises me. There were a number of women who posted in this thread who seem to have a different point-of-view. Don't women with AS count as women, too?

The guy who wrote Look Me in the Eye noted that forcing himself to be involved with the expected small talk and passing out verbal kindnesses gave him better results. So he learned to fake it. Sometimes I do that well but sometimes I just can't bring myself to bother.

But I think you mean something more specific involving people you know well. One trick I have is to tilt my head and ask someone, "is everything alright?". I have no idea if it is or not but they'll think Im picking up on something. Sometimes Ill stumble across a real problem and get credit for being perceptive and empathic. lol. I use it like radar. Just pinging in the dark for information.

I enjoy being called all of the above. Must be a Nitzschean thing.

This is brilliant! I can't believe I hadn't thought of it but I literally just went to my coworker in the breakroom and she said hello, etc. and after a moment I slightly tilted my head (like an inquisitive dog might) and asked her if everything was alright and then I took a sip of my tea to give her a moment. Well, she ended up telling me all about her dog that is at the vet's office and isn't doing well.

I had NO IDEA that anything was actually wrong with her today.

Thanks for this tip!

Because you have difficulty doing this intuitively, you should attempt to do this systematically.

This entails doing status checks on individuals before you respond to them, and then using a reasoning process to determine the most ideal way to react. For example, say you have just run into your friend Jim.

The first thing you should strive to determine is "How is Jim?" What is his physical state, and emotional and mental state? Does it he need something, and if so, what is the nature of the thing he needs? Is it physical, emotional, functional or other?

What type of situation is Jim in? What challenges might that situation present to Jim and what type of state might it evoke in him?

If you were in Jim's state, how would you like others to respond to that?




Good question. It's tempting to say that an as*hole is one who actually does not care about the difficulties of other, or how their behavior affects others.

However I once knew an individual who most would agree was an as*hole...he really just did not get along with anyone and made enemies rather easily because he act without consideration for others, sometimes even be blatantly rude, and he was fast to anger when he was the recipient of this same behavior. He would never apologize and never considered himself to be in the wrong. But at the heart of it all is the fact that I honestly think he didn't ever intend to upset or offend anyone. Because he was so unreceptive to taking responsibility for his actions, apologizing when he did hurt someone, and generally didn't seem to care to make any effort to attempt to improve how he interacted with others, I think he did qualify as an as*hole.

^^ Chronos speaks true. I have learn to overcome some social difficulties with this systematic approach.

Oh gawd, of course they do!

Sorry, I'm just upset and typed a little too fast...

Awe. I think we have all been there Grisha!

Lol, no worries.

Greg, THIS is why you're accused of being a sociopathic monster (although I never used those words). Right here, in this thread, you're attacking and insulting me in public. That would be pretty messed up under any circumstances, but considering that the reason I broke up with you was because I was mugged on a dark street in the middle of the night and you couldn't give me more than a minute of your time when I called after the police dropped me off because you were too tired... and on top of that, the ONLY thing I asked was for you to not turn the whole thing into a "pity poor, poor Greg" festival but that's EXACTLY what you've done.. whoever called you a sociopath might not have been too far off.

You aren't just austistic. People with AS can be kind and loving, even if they're oblivious by NT standards. YOU, however, become angry when it's pointed out to you that you've hurt someone, and you go on rampages with the sole intent of hurting more. Then you come running back here to people who are easily manipulated by your BS versions of your life (because they don't actually know you), and you spin stories where you're always the sweet and hapless victim of some AS/NT misunderstanding when the truth is, YOU LIKE TO HURT PEOPLE. And Greg, that is NOT an aspie trait, and when you suggest that the cruel, spiteful things you do have anything to do with AS, you're insulting all of the good and decent people on this board and elsewhere who struggle as aspies in an NT world.

And you like to throw these two rules of yours around, about the 'cluelessness' of the aspergian male, and the need for everything to be spelled out for you. What you fail to mention is that your girlfriend called you in the middle of the night crying, TOLD YOU she had just been mugged by two men in Harlem, TOLD YOU she'd spent the last hour at the police station and had just been dropped off by the cops at her Aunt's house because she was too frightened to go home (because the assault happened two blocks from her apartment)... but somehow that wasn't enough information for you?

You are a consummate victim with a persecution complex. Even after you were told how hurtful your behavior was, all you wanted to do was lash out and inflict MORE pain on someone who you know full well is going through hell, and you continue to do it, even now, and you just cry, cry, cry about your 'condition,' which actually has nothing to do with the way you mistreat people. Even after it was explained to you that your behavior is hurtful, you keep on and keep on and keep on.
Yeah, I know it's against the rules to address another member like this on the forums, but it's exactly what you were doing when you started this thread, and I'll be damned if I just sit here and let you lie your ass off and play the pathetic victim one more time.

Aspie or as*hole? Funny. People here, who don't know you, are going to tell you it's the former. Greg, is it EVER going to sink in that people who actually know you universally agree that it's the latter?

Really? Only AS women are capable of having a caring point of view when it comes to aspies? That's unfair and untrue. Simple fact is, many NTs are as*hole, and many aspies are, as well. It's just people being people.

Do you have social problems? Are you an animal lover?

If you are a sociopath, neither of those apply.

See what I mean?

No, actually, I don't think anyone will. I think people will "see" the gaping holes in the sad, sad stories you try to sell them, and come to the conclusion that aspie+as*hole isn't any more mutually exclusive than NT+as*hole.

Are all women like this? or is it just the ones I end up with?

In the interest of giving you logical, practical help with your problem ('cause that's how I approach that stuff, too), it may just be the ones you end up with. Perhaps you've already figured out the solution; NT women may not be the best choice for you, or at least not women who are so emotionally needy that they rely on you to commiserate with them and be a shoulder to cry on. Not just Aspie women are logical and practical problem-solvers; the few female friends I have had have been far more likely to try to find a logical, practical solution to a problem than be driven by their emotions, and they have all been NT (at least mostly.) Women who think this way are a rarer breed, but they are out there.
Having said all that, there is also a lot to be said for being able to simply be quiet, listen, and maybe offer a hug when someone comes to you with an issue. Sometimes that helps them to work things out in their own mind, and never makes you look like an a**hole. I'm still learning to remember this one, myself.