Overpossessive BF.. Please tell me what to do
27 Jun 2012, 12:10 am
It was a shocker to me when he began accussing me and manyatimes i calmly told him the reason and y i felt we shud not be together. He would completely understand at that time.. but only for a few days...
His business also was sufferring....guess maybe he felt i was one thing he could control if not anything else. and the worst part is, he became worse after i started giving in..i assumed me giving in to his demands would keep him happy..but there came a point when i felt it was unreasonable. I felt he was commanding things that were so not ok
I mean if he cud meet me only once a week coz he had work, dont i have the right to meet my other friends on the days he does not meet me coz i do wanna have a social life too? it ds not mean that i have to be home if he cannot take me out..
there were times when after a fight he would say, yes its ok, go with your friends, but only if it was a girl..if i told him its a guy friend too, he would jus loose it. i understand i wud feel a lill weird if hhe went out with a girl who is jus a friend to im, but i wud tell myself tht i trust him, and if he has to be faithful, he wud come back to me. I wud not control him in anyway.
27 Jun 2012, 10:44 am
Read some Lundy Bancroft articles.
What you say about him is really typical of my own experience with abuse, and with other women I've talked to (a LOT of them).
The thing with abuse, is it's really about control. So abusers usually work you into a state of constantly trying to fix your behavior, change yourself, and blame yourself for the problems that the abuser is causing. The purpose is to continually control you--yet even when you actually achieve one demand (like change the way you dress), the abuser will continually move the "goal post" to higher and higher expectations, and when you do not achieve these expectations, the abuser will use that "failure" on your part, to stonewall you, verbally abuse you, or in your case, physically abuse you.
Also, abusers almost always blame their own abuse on the victim--so it ends up being very confusing to the target. Lundy Bancroft has some free articles about this on his website--he also has some good books about it, and you can read a bit of them for free on google books, by previewing the book.
27 Jun 2012, 4:33 pm
Whatever his intentions and labels, the pressure to remove even female friends can't be healthy. Any relationship in that much trouble is likely to become a total madhouse if it isolates itself so completely.
Hard to know what would have happened if his business hadn't got into trouble. Still, if it didn't fold, at least he's free to rescue it now without his phobia, which must have been an awful distraction.
He might yet try to contact you again, but let's hope not.
28 Jun 2012, 12:57 am
Hard to know what would have happened if his business hadn't got into trouble. Still, if it didn't fold, at least he's free to rescue it now without his phobia, which must have been an awful distraction.
He might yet try to contact you again, but let's hope not.
He would question my timings yes...and thats not ok..i agree there were times when i said that if u can be back on time, pls do come, we shall talk, else its fine, we can catch up the next day..But if he was with friends, i made it a point to not call him or txt him.. coz i wanted to give him his space.. but even then, i eman it took him no time to assume that I was cheating on him if i went out with guy friends... He wont call me now for sure...or txt.. coz he never got a reply from me and he ?? its a blatant spit on my face and I am helpless. no payback...
28 Jun 2012, 1:33 am
What you say about him is really typical of my own experience with abuse, and with other women I've talked to (a LOT of them).
The thing with abuse, is it's really about control. So abusers usually work you into a state of constantly trying to fix your behavior, change yourself, and blame yourself for the problems that the abuser is causing. The purpose is to continually control you--yet even when you actually achieve one demand (like change the way you dress), the abuser will continually move the "goal post" to higher and higher expectations, and when you do not achieve these expectations, the abuser will use that "failure" on your part, to stonewall you, verbally abuse you, or in your case, physically abuse you.
Also, abusers almost always blame their own abuse on the victim--so it ends up being very confusing to the target. Lundy Bancroft has some free articles about this on his website--he also has some good books about it, and you can read a bit of them for free on google books, by previewing the book.
You are right..Whatever i did even when I was nice to him somehow made him raise the bar even more. when i did tell him am goin out for an hour in the afternoon with a guy friend and txted him while at the lunch, he made such a deal about it in the end of him nt liking me going and meeting any guy friend whom have known for years, atleast not alone. When i told him this guy is like my brother, coz am close to heis sister too, who is my best friend, he says dont go make random family ties and made me cry.
and the worst part when i did not show my txts to him, he snatches my ph, tries to chk my msgs and accusses me and almiost abducts me and slaps me when i ask him to go away. i was crying in the car and he says, dont do drama, i have seen these drams and dont make that face infront of me, i wud not even touch a characterless girl like ypu..
then all of a sudden he almost clamed down when i was hysterical crying but lost ot again when io told him not to touch me coz he had called me a whore.
28 Jun 2012, 1:50 am
If you're on this forum, chances are you're at least somewhat marginilized, socially. He probably picked up on this and was saving it as ammunition to use against you, and when you cut him off, he reached for the big guns to try and hurt you, in order to get you to respond.
You were right to ignore this. What he wants here is for you to come under his power, where you would almost certainly be even more isolated. It is quite unlikely such a person would stand by you when you needed them; they would more likely take a blame and shame approach towards you, seeing you as a frustrating inconvenience, at such time. Moreover, you would never meet someone who would stand by you while with him. In effect everything he's saying would actually come true if you adopted the attitude he prefers you to have.
28 Jun 2012, 6:33 am
I would wanna ask him with his kinda attitude, who wud wanna end up with him..Taking my rigid nature (jus so i wanted to be careful of getting into a relationship with a guy not knowing whether he is wrong or right), he accusees me.. What about when i gave in?? he just raised the bar and started demanding more. When i was rigid with him, he was hesistant to tell me directly what to do, who to talk to, what to wear. But the moment i started giving in and lowered my guard he blatantly came forward and spoke what all was in his brain. No subtleities.. jus plain harsh unreasonable demands...
and in his texts, he acts like the victim. Am i wrong to hang up the ph when he blurts abuses or keeps on accussing me and does not listen for a bit even as to what I have to say?? Rather than listening to crap, i much rather hang up.. and then he used to tell me "dont u dare hang up, u have to listen to vat i have to say". y shud i, am not his slave. "u never cared, thats y u hang up..have the guts to liosten to the truth that u r a girl that cheats and will be all alone at the end of the day with this ego of yours". I will not take name calling and be humiliated. He slapped me jus cpz of his paranoia and coz i refused to answer to his false allegations..
28 Jun 2012, 8:58 am
No. You are doing the exact right thing.
Further, I'd have one final conversation with him (Over the phone is first choice. Face-to-face in public is second. Face-to-face in private is bad. He's already proven to be physically violent). When he starts going on or change the topic or any other method of trying to control the conversation, don't play his game. Just stop talking and stare at him.
Basically, the conversation should consist of you saying something like "That is enough. This is not going anywhere. I'm sorry if you were hurt, but we are not compatible. We cannot make up or get past this. I won't be answering your phone calls or emails or texts. Goodbye." Then hang up or leave.
Then mean it. When he calls, don't answer. Don't open his emails. If he comes to your place and starts banging on the door, call the cops. Don't tell him you're calling the police, just call.
It's far, far better to be alone than to be abused.
28 Jun 2012, 9:12 pm
I think it's impossible to reason with some people--like abusers (and I know I'm using that label). But someone who uses violence, verbal, and emotional abuse as a means of controlling their "loved one's" actions--that person isn't likely to be open to reasonable conversations.
All your explanations for your choices and feelings sound legitimate, and I'm sure most guys who were not abusive would be able to discuss them with you. But what is the point of arguing with someone who insists that they know your feelings, thoughts, and intentions, better than you do--even about basic freedoms like clothing and who you talk to?
Edit: I really think you should consider getting in touch with your local Domestic Violence Shelter, and asking them if they have counseling or support groups available. Abuse often leaves longer lasting marks on the inside than the outside.
29 Jun 2012, 1:47 am
No. You are doing the exact right thing.
Further, I'd have one final conversation with him (Over the phone is first choice. Face-to-face in public is second. Face-to-face in private is bad. He's already proven to be physically violent). When he starts going on or change the topic or any other method of trying to control the conversation, don't play his game. Just stop talking and stare at him.
Basically, the conversation should consist of you saying something like "That is enough. This is not going anywhere. I'm sorry if you were hurt, but we are not compatible. We cannot make up or get past this. I won't be answering your phone calls or emails or texts. Goodbye." Then hang up or leave.
Then mean it. When he calls, don't answer. Don't open his emails. If he comes to your place and starts banging on the door, call the cops. Don't tell him you're calling the police, just call.
It's far, far better to be alone than to be abused.
He does not call me anymore. So am safe in that perspective,. He is too egoistic to even accept that his slap was a mistake. probably hefeels he is justified to do that.
You know till last year, i used to explain to him that its not possible for us to see each toher coz i cannot bemonitored all the time and its jus gonna hurt uys with each fight. He always apologized and promised he would never repeat it again. But the habit stayed.. and yes it got worse coz his demands were not ok.. I mean ok, its flattering to recieve so many calls from him, but when the motive behind it was merely to keep a track on me and my movements and who i was supposedly with, hurts me a lot coz it means there is no trust, and if there is no trust, abuse is just normal for him.
29 Jun 2012, 1:59 am
All your explanations for your choices and feelings sound legitimate, and I'm sure most guys who were not abusive would be able to discuss them with you. But what is the point of arguing with someone who insists that they know your feelings, thoughts, and intentions, better than you do--even about basic freedoms like clothing and who you talk to?
Edit: I really think you should consider getting in touch with your local Domestic Violence Shelter, and asking them if they have counseling or support groups available. Abuse often leaves longer lasting marks on the inside than the outside.
I am capable of loving someone a lot if they treat me right.. Initially i felt a little weird when he wanted to monitor my moves by asking me to keep him informed of my wherabluts even when Iwas partying with all my friend.. He metioned once initially "y do u have to wear short clothes? y party so much"? i brushed those away and was defiant, but slowly i realized that he always wanted to control me, it was merely a facade he created of pretendending to be ok with my kinda lifestyle. No matter how much I would try to explain that m honest when he became fixated on the th*t that i was cheating on him, i simply clamped up and said i will not explain coz iuts of no use. He can think whatever he wants to..But the verbal abuse was so bad.. it hit me so hard that i made up my mind that i will still have the rigid wall infront of me. Coz anyoine who abuses me, and knows he is doing it, and repeats it, ds not love or respect me. An then the slap jus jolted me...
02 Jul 2012, 5:28 am
Oh well, in practical terms at least he's not likely to stalk you now, and you'll probably get him out of your head quicker now that he's made reconciliation even less possible than it was before.
Personally I think it's reckless of him to get a new partner so soon.......not so dangerous if it hasn't got sexual yet, but it's unusual for young people to wait long these days.
I make a point of keeping well away from ex partners if it's at all possible. If I follow their adventures, I'm likely to feel hurt if they find somebody else. I end up wanting them to make a mess of it, to prove they were wrong and I was right.........very immature of me, but I'm only human. So I just look the other way.
02 Jul 2012, 10:37 am
His ex-gf apparently got engaged and told him after she got engaged about this. I told him to let go of hos past and trust me, but he says that he is out of it...when we started dating and i had to visit my parents, he actually told me that i think u r goin thre to get engaged to someone. I was dumbfounded and knew that he had his insecurities. He has repeatedly called me names on ph and frustrated that he cannot control my actions. Demanded that i dont even have a singlr drink on my B'day party. I am 27 for crying out loud, and tells me dont wear dresses that are revealing. Your pics on fb shud be removed too, not everyone shud have the right to see it in ur friend list. and apparently these are the ame pics he liked on fb..i am attractive, yes.. guys do get attracted to me..But am rigid and not the easy type at all. and i hate possessive ppl, thats y i broke off so many times. I miss his presense, yes, but he hit me, and am sure he may do it again.
You need to break up with him and keep him away from you by any means necessary. He's extremely insecure and can't handle his on feelings due to residual anger over his previous relationship. People like this need to seek therapy and work through their issues before they start to see other people.
BTW, did he ever say anything about him being an aspie?
02 Jul 2012, 3:30 pm
I had the same trouble. I had a boyfriend for a week until he started to become possessive of me. He told me that we had to focus 100 percent on each other and that I am not allowed to have anything to do with my male friends who I have known for many years and that he would tell my Mum off if she interfered in the relationship. I ended the relationship straight away, he did not like it and sent abusive, threatening sms messages threatening me to change my mind change my plans and go back to being his girlfriend or else.
