Boy Did I Ever Eff Up!

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damn my aspergers....

A little background...

Me and my GF live about 20 miles apart, her workplace is about 30 miles from my house. My workplace is one mile from her house. Often times she will come down to my workplace to say hi before she goes to work. I generally dont go to her workplace because of the distance (60 miles round trip) I am also on vacation from work this week, and yesterday we took an all day road trip together (i picked her up and dropped her off at home)

So this afternoon we were texting each other she is at work, i mentioned i was getting pizza for dinner and if only i lived closer i would come down and take her dinner break with her. She mentioned that she always comes to see me at work, but said "lol, jk" in the message, therefore i thought she was joking. I replied, jokingly that she lives a mile from my work and I live 30 from hers. She told me i was being a dink, I told her i didnt understand.

From what I gather, she feels that I dont reciprocate in our relationship, that she always goes out of her way for me but i dont for her. I asked if I upset her by saying if i lived closer I would have come to her work. I will directly quote the last message she sent me

So I gather that the "lol jk" on the first message was not really "just kidding" but a little passive aggression.

Honestly, Im so afraid Im going to lose her, does anyone have any advice on how i screwed up and how i can make this right?

The problem with texting is that it can lead to confusion like this situation here.

Honestly it would have confused me as well.

Your best bet is to tell her you misunderstood, you thought she was joking and that you're sorry.

Then maybe do something nice like surprise her by going to her house unexpected or something like that.

I am NT with an Aspie bf and this was a problem we had a lot before I found this forum. If she is not part of WP encourage her to join and if she doesn't know a lot about AS then encourage her, in a very nice way, to google it and learn about it.

In the meantime, tell her you are sorry and that you took the "jk" as her not really wanting you to come and that you happen to be very paractical and logical and it's part of the AS. That you understand that with other guys that she may have dated that is they acted in the same manner that you do that it would mean they weren't as interested but that you truly are and that you are deeply afraid that you will lose her and that you don't want to lose her. Tell her that you really do WANT to make her happy and that while it may not be as "romantic" that she should tell you exactly what she desires from you and that after time you will learn what it id she expects. Repeat again that it is just because you are Aspie and it's not relevant to how much you care and to please not gage you and your feelings with the same gauges that she has used to measure how men have felt in the past.

I like this. Dont' panic, take a future positive step and see how it goes.

You did mess up but it's fixable.

She appears to be playing a type of game. She wanted you to stop by w/pizza on her dinner break.
To her mind
A It's Romantic
B It makes her look like she has someone who cares
C It makes her feel cared about.

You should probably go to her work on occasion b/c it's sort of a pattern/game NTs like to play..(imagine tennis the ball has to go back and forth). You won't get any milk from the cow if you don't occasionally go out to the barn.

All true...and while I dislike the word game...I think we see it more as giving a guy wings to fly and see if he comes back...test ..even none of those sound good...but yes, it's our silly emotional way of seeing if you care and I had to learn, and it is still hard to remember sometimes, that my aspie is practical and not given to flights of fancy, if you will. So, explain as gently as you can...bring her to this forum. I have learned so so much and would be lost without the knowledge I have gained!

Firstly you need to stop worrying about losing her and realize you are self sufficient without this girl, you can be independent on your own and learn from this experience. Don't let the dynamics of a relationship be dictated to you, you need to step up and let her know this by being more assertive.

This. I found the more worried I became about losing somebody the more my actions only helped fulfil that horrid fate, and poisoned my rationale. Caring more about losing somebody than being with them is not good for you.

There's been some good advice here. Take this in your stride like one of the dudes, and just surprise her the next time you see her. If you can go to her work place at a convenient time for her (but don't tell her, it's meant to be a surprise!). Or do something spontaneous for her like flowers or taking her to a park on a nice day, or something. Just show it was a little misunderstanding and you do care.

EDIT: Also worth noting, do not downplay this situation with terms such as "little mistake / understanding" LOL! In fact avoid talking about it any further. It's done. It's behind you now Just work on making it up to her.

I guess it's a good thing I don't date. I don't understand this at all.

If she wanted him to come why did she not just ask him to and why did she say lol, jk?

It's a lot more reasonable to expect someone to drive 1 mile than it is to expect someone to drive 30 miles. It's not like she even asked him to. She only vaguely hinted around and acted like she was joking.

I agree with all this except the not talking about it. Okay, so he shouldn't beat this to death, but if she is NT, like me, and doesn't really understand HOW he thinks and rationalizes, like I use to not understand, then talking to her about the way HE thinks and WHY he took the actions he did and encouraging her to learn more how he works will only lessen the pressure on him and put some of it on her. She has a responsibility to KNOW how he thinks and why he will do things different than other men. It was hard to adjust to, for me, at first but my relationship is much better because I don't get my feelings hurt now. I understand that because he doesn't bring me gifts and doesn't surprise me like other guys have done in the past, that it doesn't mean I am not worth his time or him spending his hard earned money on. It means he is very logical and reasonable and so I tell him (or usually my mom will give him ideas...which is so funny because sometimes he will butcher it so bad!) things that I like or would like. They NEED to talk about her learning more about his AS.

thank you all for your input.

I have not told her about my AS because 98% of the time its not even noticeable. We talked last night, and I am forgiven just as long as i bring her flowers and chocolate tonight. She is my first serious girlfriend, my first date since 2002. I still dont completely understand how i screwed up but thats not important. What is important is that she feels hurt, and when she feels hurt, it hurts me too. I would move heaven and earth for this girl. I would walk through hell carrying a gasoline can for her, so if she feels slighted, im going to do anything and everything to make it up to her.

I need to realize that

1. I have practically no relationship experience, my last GF was when i was 14/15, totally different ballpark

2. I can make a mistake without even realizing it, just because I dont realize it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt her

3. This relationship is going to take more work for me than it would an NT, since I lack the innate knowledge of "being romantic"


I have no plans now or in the future to tell her about my AS, at this point, I think she would feel like im making excuses for being unromantic and that would be a dealbreaker. I DO NOT want to go back to the way I was before I met her, I was depressed to the point of having disturbing thoughts, I felt that I would never meet someone who cares about me. I was not content with where I was before I met her and I couldnt imagine going back to that.

Can you not visit your girlfriend at home since if I read right, she lives 1 mile from your work place?

Can't you go there for an hour or 2 after work, or even stay the night over 1 night and use her facilities to get ready and go to work in the morning?

I have gone over a couple times after work

She lives with her parents, and even though shes 23 her parents forbid overnight guests of the boyfriend variety.

She's pretty immature to not understand the distance thing. If she's worth the headache, just say your sorry and you appreciate her taking the time to see you. Maybe get her a small bouquet next time you see her.

so she came to her senses this morning, she apologized. I can understand how i rubbed her the wrong way. She has had "boyfriends" in the past that have used and abused her, and her father has always treated her poorly. When i made the remark about me living so far from her work, she said i sounded just like her father and thats what upset her.

I told her that i would be more careful about how i say things, and that if this is the worst argument we ever have, we are going to be just fine.

Prove her wrong, turn up to her work with her favorite chocolates and flowers even if its too far away. show her youve made that effort, and that you can make that effort. I think she is feeling quite one sided in the effort making. Reward her for her efforts...even if its the most illogical thing ever, just do it...