What To Do When Aspie Partner Shuts Down/Withdraws?

Post Reply New Topic

Ok, so first off I'll say that I'm new here and very glad that I came across this forum! I'm an NT, (if you want to call it that, I have Borderline Personality Disorder, so I'm wired a bit differently from "normal" people.) I recently met a wonderful girl online who has AS. We exchanged numbers and have been texting a lot, well into the wee hours of the morning. We've met each other in person twice, just hanging out and doing things together. I feel really comfortable around her, because I have issues with making eye contact, and I am very, very awkward and shy around new people, so her awkwardness and shyness made me feel better. (I should mention that both she and I are gay.) Anyway, we've been getting along great, we have things in common and says she enjoys my company and enjoys talking to me. We've both started to like each other, I told her directly how I was feeling, she told me indirectly, but I still figured out what she meant. I think it's cute how she can't directly talk about her feelings. She told me that everyone always ends up walking away from her, friends, partners, everyone because, in her own words. "No one can handle being with an Aspie." I can relate, because in my experiences no one can handle being with a borderline, either. I'm determined to try and make things work with her, and show her that I can stick it out and not leave like everyone else. I've read just about every book ever made on AS, and my best friend, who is also an Aspie, has offered her opinions and advice on things. I know that being in a relationship with an Aspie can and probably will be difficult at times, and I'm willing to take that challenge, because she's a sweet and wonderful person and I don't judge people based on whatever illness/disability/mental issues they may have. So, here's my question: She told me a few days ago that she felt an episode coming on, where she would shut down and not text me for a while. I know that this is what Aspies do when they're overstimulated and it's necessary and that it's nothing personal against me. So after she ceased to text me I sent one text, two days ago telling her that I missed her, and hoped that she wouldn't forget about me but I understood that this was something she needed to do and I respected that, so I would give her space and that I just wanted to let her know that by not hearing from me I didn't up and leave like everyone else did. I also said that I would be here waiting for her text when she was ready to talk again, and that I hoped I heard from her soon. So, is that enough? I don't want to constantly text her, because I know that solitude is what she needs right now, but I'm afraid if this shutdown lasts for a long period of time, and I don't text her periodically she will assume that I have moved on when indeed I haven't. My BPD side of my brain is screaming at me that I have done something wrong to make her not want to talk to me, and that I must fix it, but luckily I am able to tune that part out and think logically about it. I know I didn't do anything wrong, and that she just needs to "recharge her batteries." It's rough, but I really like who she is a person and I want to be there for her. Any advice would be appreciated, and not just on the question at hand, but also just tips on dating an aspie in general. I want to understand things so that I don't accidentally confuse or upset her, and so that I don't accidentally get confused or get my feelings hurt. Oh, and please no negative comments on the BPD. Being diagnosed with that has a horrible stigma associated with it. I know what most of the literature out there says, so I don't need to be reminded of it. Thanks in advance, everyone!

I would say that sending just 1-2 texts means no harm at all. What I would do if I were in your situation is text her to reassure her that you're always going to be there to come back to when she needs her time alone. I don't think she would think you abandoned her, I think what she probably needs the most is reassurance that you won't "run away" and that you'll always be there for her. I'm glad you are keeping a clear head during this time and it's good that she's honest with you when she needs those times alone. I would say you are doing the right thing and continue what you are doing. As long as she always tells you when she needs those times alone, then at least you know where you stand and you know that she'll always come back to you .

The best advice I can give you would be to talk to her about how her Asperger's affects her. The best way to mention it would be just to say you read up about it and discuss what you have read with her. I'm sure she'll be happy to explain in the way it affects her and then you can make adjustments accordingly if you need to. This helped a lot for me and my Aspie boyfriend and things are really amazing because now we have such a good understanding of eachother and we are on the same page of understanding.

Also, always keep in mind what you have read about Asperger's! This helped me a lot during those times.

As stated above, communication is good with this sort of thing. She told you she would be shutting down, so you would know

I would probably send one more text saying something like: "I don't want to intrude on your space. I just wanted to say I was thinking about you. I'll be here when you're ready to talk " and then leave it at that.

Trust me, I know the feeling of not receiving a text back, even with logic on your side, emotions and fear and all the stuff in your head starts spinning out of control.

Yeah, the emotions and fear are all swirling around in my head. i did send one more text today, and I got a response. She told me that she was still in shutdown mode, and that she would talk to me when it was over, but she was unsure if it would be as just friends or more. She says that her feelings for me have become too intense, and she doesn't know how to deal with them and that's stressed her out and made her anxious. She told me not to blame myself for her stress, because everything stresses her out, and that she knows I didn't intend for that to happen. So.....I hope I don't get demoted back to friend status. I will accept it if I have to, because I care a lot about this girl, and I don't want to lose her entirely. I told her I understood, and that if she needed to take a few steps backwards and just be friends that I was fine with that. I know she must care for me if she was able to text me during a shutdown. She also told me she really appreciated me understanding AS and wanting to learn about it. My question is do Aspies usually back off in relationships if they start developing strong feelings for the other person? What can I do in all of this? Thanks guys!

I know mine did.

What you can do about it? I'm still trying to figure it out. I guess I'm just giving it some time.

The one time I dated someone with AS, he was actually the opposite, and super devoted, maybe even clingy. The space he needed was physical, so we wouldn't see each other physically all the time, but we would just hang out by ourselves, and do our daily chores while talking on the phone with each other, sometimes for five or six hours. The reason it ended was because I was more like your girlfriend, and needed social space sometimes, which was hard for him, because he had accepted me as part of his daily life, while I still viewed the world and our relationship from the inside of my mind. I saw this as a basic incompatibility and broke up with him to protect both of us from pain.

So, no, I don't think there is a hard and fast rule that says people with AS will back off or become clingier when they feel strong feelings, though I think it often gravitates towards the extremes. The one piece of information I can give you that I think might help you is this: the reason shutdowns are wonderful is that they are a time of complete mental clarity (which is why philosophers and monks often contemplate in solitude). Your girlfriend has plenty of time to think about all the pros and cons of being in a relationship with you, and I don't think she would decide to end it without a good reason. Further, if you ask her calmly she will mostly likely be happy to explain to you her reasoning, which is much more than you get from most NT's.

Maybe it would be a good idea for you to think about the pros and cons of your relationship, what troubles you might face, what you like and dislike about her, and what ways your personality would conflict or mesh. That way you can put things in perspective rather than getting your emotions in the way, and be ready if she does want to talk. I would suggest that to anybody regardless of mental wiring, because overemotional people are the most hurtful.

I can see there are a lot of LGBTs on here, but maybe this should be posted in the LGBT section as it'd fit better.

Not that isn't a "normal" relationship, just different wiring.

I don't see why their genders should be an issue. the LGBT thread is largely for LGBT issues, this thread is for dating/relationship advice. The subject of the thread is clearly the latter, just because she chose to disclose their genders to clairify some things shouldn't make a difference.

I appreciate all the advice I've received so far. I haven't been texting her anymore since I got her reply yesterday, and I don't ontend to text her until I hear from her, because I know she needs her space. She works retail, and I imagine having to interact with the public during a shutdown is a freaking nightmare. I know thay this relationship will have its ups and downs, and I'm willing to take on that challenge if she is. I am also willing to just be friends if that's what she wants and needs. We started off as friends with benefits, and then we both developed feelings for each other, and she says that those feelings are too intense for her to handle right now. Maybe it's just because she's in shutdown mode, or maybe she would still feel that way if she wasn't shutdown. I'm not going to ask a bunch of questions while she's like this, I know it won't help things. I'd love to be in a relationship with her, and I'm willing to be as slow as she needs me to be. I won't be too upset if she just wants to be friends for now though. She's a very sweet girl and she makes me happy and makes me see things outside of my own "abnormal" borderline point of view. She has a lot to offer and a lot to teach me and for that, I'm glad to have her around, regardless of if it's as friends or girlfriends. I know that she and I have a lot to discuss when she feels up to talking again, and I'm going to approach it carefully and with sensitivity. All I can do for now is wait, and see what happens. Keep the advice coming, guys. It's really helping me.

I know that feel. Getting questions from someone through text on top of that is definitely very difficult. (which is why I just elected to leave my phone at home for a long time)

I've also been wondering, when she talks to me again do I wait for her to bring up the subject about if we're just going to be friends or not? Or do I bring it up? It's not going to be the first thing out of my mouth when she's talking, but I know Aspies have a hard time talking about their feelings and I don't know if she would be able to initiate a conversation like that or not. At the same time, I don't want to make her uncomfortable by asking her to talk about something she isn't comfortable discussing. I hope she sees the effort I'm putting into this, with all the books and everything I've been reading. She says she appreciates it, and I don't think anyone has ever really bothered to try to understand her before. I just want to prove to her that I'm different from all the ones before me. I'm trying to remain calm on the surface here, because I don't want her to know that I'm worried about being friend zoned. She already told me that she feels horrible that I have to go through this shutdown with her, and that she wishes there was something she could do to fix it because it wasn't fair to me. I don't want her feeling guilty over things that aren't under her control, and I told her that. I really am worried about it, though. I'll be able to be just friends, but I won't be able to make my feelings for her go away. All I can do is hope for the best, I suppose. The one positive thing I've been told is that if she was able to text me a few days ago and tell me all the things I've been posting on here while she was still shutdown, she must care about me. I didn't force her to talk or even suggest that she needed to talk at all in my text to her, I said that I missed her and was thinking about her and that I wasn't going to up and leave like the others did, and I respected and understood her need to be alone and that I hoped I heard from her soon. So, am I right to think that by texting me during a shutdown it means she cares for me? To be honest guys, I'm scared. I'm scared of being friend zoned and never having the chance to be with her again.

So scared I'm gonna lose her. Still haven't heard anything. ugh. I hope this isn't a long term shut down. I'm desperate to tell her how this is affecting me, but I don't know if that's a good idea while she is shut down. Any advice on that? Please help.

If it isn't meant to be, it isn't meant to be. This may or may not be the case. Best way to deal with this? Occupy yourself.