Seems like I'm no "boyfriend material"

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starryeyedvoyager
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07 Feb 2013, 10:41 am

Hey there folks, (and if the mods think this topic is too "adult", please move it into the appropriate section... alas, I'll keep the sexual themes to a minimum, as it is more a relationship-related issue, I suppose).

After spending some time "in the real world" and gathering quite alot of experience recently, I am starting to get the impression that women don't see me as a suitable partner for long term relationships. Over the past few months, I've actually had quite a few ONS with... well, actually pretty attractive women (and as a side note, since it surprised me alot, some of them ALOT older than me... apparently, I am very popular with what you'd call "cougars"... don't know why that is, just find it curious), and I'm fine with that. As a man, I do find it rather flattering and boosting my self-confidence that I am perfectly capable of creating short term attraction. Alas, when I try to approach women with more serious intent - and to be honest, I never did anything else, the whole ONS-thing always came from the other side, I just played along -, I fall flat on my face, and I fail to grasp why that is, because as of know, it always plays out the same, taking my most recent attempt as an example
We go out on a date, having met either online or somewhere else. We texted or wrote FB messages, and she seemed REALLY into me - on the verge of actually being quite the "overly attached" type. The date goes splendid, we're having a blast and find out that we have ALOT in common (it seems that I am quite good at picking girls who share my interests). When saying goodbyes, I get a very nice hug, and a couple of minutes later, she even texts me wishing me a good night and stating that "this was a really nice evening". We chat via FB the days after that, sometimes for hours straight in the evening, she even takes a minute or two when she's at college to write, and we arrange a second date. Then, two days before the date, she calls if off, saying the just got some assignments she needs to take care of, and that we should reschedule. Her overall communication with me shrinks from each day to the next, she doesn't initiate conversation anymore herself, and what do you know, she seized answering at all 2 days ago. Well, I move along then, no problem, but since I've had almost the exact thing pulled on me a couple of times now, I told her from the beginning that is she doesn't want to see me again anymore, if there's somebody else, she just has to tell me. I can handle rejection, I don't get emotionally attached so easily, I just can't stand being toyed with, to which she more than happily agreed.
The first times I thought I just misinterpreted how much fun my date partner had with me, but if that was the case, they usually stopped communications right afterwards, not 2 weeks later from one day to the next, more or less. So, am I missing something here, or is this just something I have to get used to?

Kind regards!


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MountainLaurel
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07 Feb 2013, 11:33 am

While I don't think this is necessarily the source of the the eventual disinterest in your dating partners; I wouldn't recommend making the statement below:

Quote:
I told her from the beginning that is she doesn't want to see me again anymore, if there's somebody else, she just has to tell me. I can handle rejection, I don't get emotionally attached so easily, I just can't stand being toyed with, to which she more than happily agreed.

Sure she agreed; you were mostly stating the obvious conditions of dating. Plus in this phrase; "I don't get emotionally attached so easily, I just can't stand being toyed with" you are implying that you need to be very self-protective.

Overly self-protective men are a turn off; it's the opposite of confident. Confident men do not state that they can't stand being toyed with; they know they can use toying as part of the flirting dynamic by turning it sideways & upside-down and well.....using it as part of the dating play. They don't feel the need to state anything about it in advance.

Are you saying other things in the course of dating which come off as wooden (stating the obvious as ground rules) and overly self protective which, as a little time elapses, your dating partners feel that the dates are not playfully light, but heavy with foreboding on your part?



Petals021
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07 Feb 2013, 11:50 am

The sudden loss of interest thing can happen at any time during the early months of dating. It's too hard to say whether it is anything you are doing or just the other person changing her mind. I agree with what the other person said, that your remarks about being toyed with or becoming attached are not very helpful.

What exactly do you want? You seem to be saying and doing contradictory things. Are you looking for a relationship, or only ONS? Because it's best to clarify this before you start dating someone. Are you sensitive to rejection, or not? If you weren't, then you probably would not mind being "toyed with".

This kind of thing is going to be worse if you are dating college-age girls. Older women will have a better idea of who they are and what they want. But first you should try to figure out these things about yourself.



starryeyedvoyager
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07 Feb 2013, 12:47 pm

Petals021 wrote:
The sudden loss of interest thing can happen at any time during the early months of dating. It's too hard to say whether it is anything you are doing or just the other person changing her mind. I agree with what the other person said, that your remarks about being toyed with or becoming attached are not very helpful.

What exactly do you want? You seem to be saying and doing contradictory things. Are you looking for a relationship, or only ONS? Because it's best to clarify this before you start dating someone. Are you sensitive to rejection, or not? If you weren't, then you probably would not mind being "toyed with".

This kind of thing is going to be worse if you are dating college-age girls. Older women will have a better idea of who they are and what they want. But first you should try to figure out these things about yourself.


Yes, let me clarify some things: When I say "I don't like being toyed with!", I don't dislike it because of the emotional work up (that much), but I feel like I'm getting my time wasted deliberately. I only dropped the "being toyed with" remark... I'm not that stupid to openly accuse someone of being overly attached, I just found it it be a rather sudden change of pace, being quite into me - almost more than I am comfortable with - the one day, and the next day it's like a completely different person. I'm not interested in older women when it comes to relationships (as in: 35+... I don't want the decision of having kids taken from me by nature), and I have to admit the women / girls I tried to date were alot younger than me to begin with.
I thought I made it clear in the opening post, but to put it straight once more: I am not looking for cheap sex. Past experience has shown that I could if I wanted to, which is nice to know that I have market value - without wanting to derail my own post, I recently picked up modeling and already had some photo sessions, so I am pretty confident with my appearance and all that. I know that especially on the internet, women tend to be incredibly picky when it comes to looks, and I don't care too much if I get rejected because of my looks don't match someone else's expectations. I do want to pursue a serious relationship. Don't get me wrong, I don't consider myself much of a "prize catch", but I have become a rather decent guy in my own oppinion that is looking for a mature relationship, and I always thought that, well, guys who did were more sought after.


_________________
In character,
In manner,
In style,
In all things,
The supreme excellence is simplicity.
- Jesse Glover

My Autistic Score: 147 out of 200
My Neurotypical Score: 50 out fo 200