NT wife - why does this never get any better

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Hi everyone,
I was here 9 months or so ago in a desperate state and really appreciated the help i received - and things did seem to be getting better for a while, but here I am again

To recap: My husband has undiagnosed aspergers. I love the man I married but the man I share my life with now is so difficult and I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

His self-awareness has allowed him to ‘pass’ in life, although he already has 2 failed marriage behind him. He can be so charming and such delightfully company but over the past couple of years he has become increasingly stressed (life has been a challenge) and unable to explain to me why he was having such trouble. Last spring we finally realised that it was Aspergers and I have done a lot of reading since and for a while it seemed we were making progress but the last couple of weeks it’s all gone downhill at such a terrifying rate. I have learnt so much but the slightest misstep on my part seems to set us back to zero.

If he has a meltdown and I try to talk to him, that’s wrong – I have a tendency to problem solve and now understand that too is inappropriate. This morning we had a phonecall while he was travelling up to his place of work and I tried very hard not to do that fall into the traps of the past (explaining which sounds like justification; problem solving; saying anything that might sound like criticism or blame) Despite the fact that what he was saying was distressing, I tried to be a sympathetic listening ear, but even that turned out to be wrong. He hung up on me and now he won’t answer his phone.

I am at my wits end. I love him and want to make this work but I’m falling apart and don’t know what to do or where to go next.

I understand you were here 9 months ago, made some modifications since then, and now don't know what further to do.

My experience, based on my one long-term relationship, is that when I exhausted all personal options it was time to take a different approach altogether. It was time for couple therapy.

We are made of layers. At the core is our basic personality. On top of this is our biology. On top of this is how we have developed and what we have learned. On top of this is what we think and believe. On top of this are the circumstantial situations such as work and finances that can change from day to day.

AS has sensory issues that are a function of biology. These can be compounded by developmental experiences such that we learn to associate criticism with anxiety that can be almost crippling.

You might first want to focus on creating a secure place of comfort that can act as a refuge. For example, renting a comedy video and getting some popcorn so that a time of pleasure can be had. He may begin to associate you with this time of pleasure and be less inclined to shut you out.

Secondly you may want to help establish a laboratory view of a situation such that you do not suggest how to fix something, but rather propose an experiment that can be conducted. The experimental view helps distance a person from an outcome such that a failure is a failure of the experiment and not of the person.

You may want to suggest counseling. This can be tricky because there are so many bad ones. He might not be receptive to counseling in regard to a specific or current situation, but more open to counseling that takes a broader look at life and from which he can feel less corralled.

I would love for us to get couples counselling but I know he won't countenance it. he tried it with his ex and it didn't work - I suspect because no one knew about the AS at that stage.

We've just had a conversation: we had a problem two weeks ago because he was distressed and I got practical on him; this morning he was distressed and i took a deep breath to take a moment to make sure my response was helpful not unhelpful. Therein likes the problem, that breath created silence and that made him angry. Apparently i should have done all my thinking in advance so that my response was automatic, didn't need thinking about!

6 months ago I would have been in tears down the phone but I know those emotions distress him further and I don't do that any more. I am so much more in control. But it makes no difference. Whatever I do is wrong. He says I don't talk to him enough about my thought processes, but then at other times he says he doesn't want to hear my process, only see the result. There are so many contradictions.

I do admit that I'm often afraid to talk to him about stuff because he can be so scathing if I've misconstrued something.

If i were just sitting here doing nothing that would be one thing, but I'm not, I'm constantly addressing my reactions to things, dealing with my own issues so that they don't get in the way of us....but he doesn't give me credit for that, or time, it's like he wants me to wave a magic wand and make it right this very instant.

That's interesting that you have a tendency to problem solve because I'm like that too. They say women prefer to be listened to without being problem solved but the exactly the same goes for men. Almost nobody likes their problems being solved!! !! !

It might be that your solutions appear patronising to him and he's heard them before. I don't know because I don't know the kind of arguments you both have. I mean the kind of solutions NTs come up with can be patronising and you even see it on here sometimes like people expect you to get over your AS. As said though I don't know the things you both say.

Sounds like you're putting in all the effort and he's putting in none. Things won't ever work unless it's 50/50.

I am sure if you weren't married, many people here would be saying you should split up. I have seen double standards, depending on people's statuses.

I sympathise with you, even though I have AS. But I know what it's like to be with an AS man, and it's not easy. You either develop a thick layer of skin, or you end up destroying yourself. Your health will go and everything else will collapse.

As I see it, the rates of success for people with AS, are much higher if people do not co-habit. It's a challenge and a half. You said so yourself, that he has been married before.

His AS is a condition, not an excuse. If you have taken the time and care to read about it and understand, then so should he. You are both human. As I see it a little self-awareness on his behalf wouldn't go amiss.

How long have you been married? Have you ever considered a break? Might make him realise your true value if he doesn't have you around trying so hard.

He would say that he has been putting in a lot of effort and now it's my turn!

At one level I wouldn't disagree. Now that I know about the AS I have at least some understanding as to how hard life is for him. The trouble is, up until now he's done a pretty good job at 'passing'. Yes when we met he was 'unusual' but in part that was what I fell in love with. It is only under stress (and we've had a lot of that over the past few years what with relocation, marriage, death, his stroppy teenage daughter - who is now past the stroppy phase and very sweet to me) that the AS has fully come out. He says that he only needs the little things to keep him balanced and I need to listen to what those are. The thing is, I do listen and think and try to apply appropriate actins, but then something else comes up to bite us.

We have just had what he referred to as 'one of the happiest christmases he can remember'. What a triumph. So why are we where we are now? It just feels so hopeless

Marriage counseling sounds like a great idea on paper, but it has a dark side. Marriage counselors, male or female, in 95% of all cases, take the wife's side and blame the husband for everything. (At least that's true in the US, maybe it's a little better in the UK.) It's going to work in your favor, obviously. Even more so if the counselor is a woman. But I can't say the same for your husband. Having two angry faces, flinging blame at him and berating him, in a setting where he's unable to freely escape (in the counselor's office), will result in a meltdown in the absolute best case. And to add insult to the injury, he might get in legal trouble for having the meltdown (that the counselor provoked!), which will ruin his career, if not his entire life.

In a nutshell, marriage counseling is a 100% win for you, and an epic fail for your husband. How OK are you with that? That's up to you and your conscience.

But it's not a battle, I would only do something like counselling if it could create some kind of resolution. I need to understand what he needs more clearly. I care about this man, I am desolate but not angry.

Although on another point, he can seem so utterly charming, I'm sure any counsellor would wonder what my problem is!

How possible is it that he doesn't' have AS at all? As far as I can make out, and I could be wrong, you think he is autistic because it seems to explain some of his behaviours.

In any case, whether he is autistic or not, his behaviour and attitude towards you is causing you extreme distress and you are "walking on eggshells" because of your fear that you will somehow displease him and have to bear the consequences of that. I have lived like that, and it is extremely unhealthy - physically, mentally and emotionally etc.

You are his third wife. Do you know why his previous two marriages failed? Have you met his ex-wives?

I hope you get a reply. I asked a few questions, showing interest, and was completely ignored. That's just rude. People take time to reply, its only polite to answer.

You know, maybe you are just not right for each other?

Not just you dear.

Oh dear sorry if I missed a response and failed to reply to something, that wouldn't have been intentional, I really do appreciate the feedback that comes from this site.

So far as whether or not he really is AS, well it all started with looking at the behaviour of his son who is textbook, ticks all the boxes in everything I read. my man is more complex in many respects but again my reading about AS has explained a lot about who he is. He is not textbook, although he would say that he is more like his son than I realise because the 19 year old is only now starting to adapt to the NT world whereas my man worked out a way of functioning and has done so for the past 40 years. This has led (a) to him being exhaused and wanting the person closest to him, me, to pick up some of the slack which is fair enough and (b) to a kind of arrogance in that he does think he has all the answers and lacks flexibility in his way of thinking about the issues we have.

You have a great goal in mind, and I respect that. But those counselors are great manipulators. They can easily sway people's minds into believing what they want people to believe. What starts out as neutral dialog quickly degrades into a barrage of blame and insults against the husband. All because the counselor had an agenda, and knew how to quietly and swiftly go in that direction.

Your husband is very charming, you said? In addition to being great manipulators, marriage counselors are also easily manipulated, usually by charm, but sometimes, even by attractiveness. So if your husband is physically attractive as well, you're going to have a problem on your hands . To keep things fair, both of you should dress equally sharp or equally casual for the counseling.

Keep in mind, that all this applies to the US only, where corporate interests rule the country. It's very possible that marriage counselors secretly work with divorce lawyers, who side with the wife as well. Your experience in the UK may be similar (or not), since it's a wife-friendly country as well, just probably not as influenced by corporate interests.