I really need some help

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I have been dating a guy for 4 years. He tells me all the time how much he loves me. About once every month or so he will blow up at me because I have zero memory of something he has supposedly try to tell me half a dozen times. I truly have no idea what he is talking about. This makes him feel like I am ignoring him and he withdraws and goes home and won't communicate about it. I would say he is making this stuff up, but it is the same sort of thing my exhusband said about me when he left me.
I am certain I have asperger's syndrome. He refuses to believe this. Iam trying so hard to hear everything he says and respond to it. I just don't know if I can do it. I don't want to use asperger's as an excuse for being a jerk. I know he thinks I just don't care.
Do you think it is possible to learn to be better at it? I am 56.

He may not believe you, but see if he's willing to do proof-of-concept. He says he's telling you things straight up and you're ignoring him. Are these things he wants you to do, problems that he's trying to let you know about, things he's worried about, general conversation, what kinds of things?

If these are things where he wants *some kind of response from you*, then ask him to write them down. Very plainly. In words. "X is happening. I need or want you to do Y please." And then see if you ignore it.

It's possible he's telling you things that simply don't connect to anything you think about or regard as important. That's why he has to be explicit about it. If he's angry about that and doesn't want to believe it, there is nothing you can do but drag him to a counselor so that he can get his head on straight about it, and understand that he is doing something harmful by insisting that you should be able to do something that you can't.

Yes, they are things that just don't matter to me. I cannot see him ever agreeing to counseling. Do you think it is possible to have a long term relationship with someone who thinks you are "normal"?

I can try very hard to pay attention to everything. I have learned how to do a lot of things in my life that were not natural to me.