Most unhelpful things I have been told

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1. Go to church!
I was made to go to church from my childhood until my late teens. Why didn’t I get a girlfriend during that time?

2. God is still writing your love story!
And yet many people go through their lives single until they die.

3. It will happen when you least expect it!
I’ve gone through periods in my life where I wasn’t expecting a relationship and it still didn’t happen.

4. Women get tired of “bad boys”!
If only that was true. I still the “bad boys” getting relationships on a daily basis.

5. Women will appreciate your kindness!
Same as above.

6. You will get a girlfriend in college! (Note: The ones who told me this were not even in college themselves)
How do you know this? Was it from your parents telling you about their experiences?

Here's a few more:

Don't be Desperate/Needy/Clingy!
Not only are these terms meaningless and should be banned from advice columns, but I know many people who are all of the above and have no problems finding and keeping relationships.

The Right One is Out There!
Yes, and I eventually found her but that's meaningless in the context of actually finding her in the first place!!

All Women Are Crazy So You Have to Accept It
No, they aren't. Furthermore, if a women acts crazy or abusive you should run the other way.

If You Don't Love Yourself, Nobody Will
I knew plenty of people where this has clearly never been an obstacle.

1. Can work, but isn't for everyone. I actually found a way to make it work, but not the way most people would think.

2. Write your own history.

3. Yes.

4. Wait.

5. Also yes.

6. Doesn't work for everyone. Kind of worked for me, but again in an unconventional way.


Get out and live your life. Love will take care of itself in its own time.

Did the first, as best I could.

As for the second, it's had 64 years to take care of itself, but hasn't yet, so I think this comment is of the unhelpful kind . At least for some people. It's like my parents "never mind, things will turn out", that was their usual response to me struggling. I think there can come a time when it needs a bit of outside help!

Amen!

1.) Didn't work for me. In fact, most girls my age were too snobby as were their parents.

2.) Live your life the way you want. You will always be the one in control.

3.) I met my current GF when we were in a class together. One day in the middle of a class session, she had a medical emergency. She was treated on-site and later released. I asked her if she wanted to have coffee with me. A few days later, we did and she revealed to me that she has epilepsy. I then told her that I also have epilepsy and we have been dating ever since.

4.) Absolutely false. It's just a gender stereotype, but maybe it's just me.

5.) Not sure; so no opinion.

6.) My GF and I are both college students. Whenever I see her working at the campus bookstore, I just let her work. In fact, whenever I see her talking to someone, we jokingly pretend we don't know each other at all.

Another unhelpful thing my older brother told me:

Girls who aren’t getting sex want it the most!

BS! The women I’ve encountered who were considered “unattractive” disliked the idea of sex outside marriage and were waiting for a “good Christian man” to come to them. My mother tried to set me up with someone I had known in my childhood and my older brother was telling me s**t like “She’ll pet your ‘fella’!” despite not meshing with her.

Could you make a list called "The Most Helpful Things I've Told Myself" ?

I know it's hard to forget hurtful comments from others, but your self-talk is much more important.

I hope you say positive things to yourself and that you don't dwell too much on others' opinions.

1. Worked like a charm for a friend of mine. He's very charismatic, though

4. Most mature women will. In high school, being miss popularity and being invited to the coolest parties is more important than anything else. When you're 14, dating a guy who can get cigarettes will achieve just that purpose. When you're 17, dating a guy who can get drugs will also do the job

Excellent idea.

Although I was never told any of these exact things, I will rate what I think would be helpful/unhelpful:

Helpful:
1. It will happen when you least expect it!
Do activities that interest you and provide an opportunity to meet people.

2. Women get tired of “bad boys”!
Be yourself in this respect, not someone who you imagine is more attractive by being cooler.

3. Women will appreciate your kindness!
This is the tough one for us. Although we may have just as much as an NT, we have to work at showing it to people.

4. Don't be Desperate/Needy/Clingy! If You Don't Love Yourself, Nobody Will
Work on these first. People may help you get over these, but don't think of them as potential mates.

Unhelpful:
1. Go to church!
Don't let people tell you where to go. If everything revolves around the church, don't they sponsor outside activities. Pick the one that you like, disregarding who else goes to it.

2. You will get a girlfriend in college!
Probably not just by going to classes. Same advice here as 1. above.

3. Girls who aren’t getting sex want it the most!
Hookers want it the most because they get paid for it . Stop thinking about sex and see 4. under helpful. When you put sex aside, you will find girls want the same things you do.

“I am glad I am not brainwashed by Bible Belt propaganda.”

“I am glad I found out about bands like Melvins, Swans, KMFDM, and Ministry or else I would’ve been even more depressed.”

“I play video games for my own enjoyment instead of trying to fit in with the ‘in-crowd’.”

“I would rather read a good book instead of watching Fox News.”

These are very good so far, Brother Mark! Keep it up!

I like the last point bcuz news chnnels make my brain feel like it’s overheated and my grandmother always has the news on in her bedroom which just makes her more depressed
She has developed severe depression n meds help her now but the news doesnt help esp Geo news in pakistan which is seemingly designed to make people want to kill themselves
I cant read urdu v well but the best cure would be if ppl read things to her instead.


She is a very thoughtful active busy person who makes things for others every day n gives everyone stuff for free even ppl sh doesnt know come to her house to take food from her,,,so its not true that depression goes away from doing good for others n being busy. Meds help her and I ONLY wish the dr had prescribed strict rules not to watch the news

Also a lot of things said can be helpful for one gender but not the other, or not even applicable/realistic for the other gender.

A lot of people say things (typically from someone to someone of opposite sex) without taking into consideration the gender dynamics, the social expectations and gender differences; and this mistake is extremely common even here on WP, there’s tons of examples - this can be its own thread but it would be locked for being too non-PC.

I would say almost half of dating tips are very gender-specific; because we are talking about dating in heterosexual context, not something like job interviews; there’s almost no gender neutrality in dating.

To The_Face_of_Boo:

Gender expectations vary, at least somewhat, by culture, region, and subculture.

One of Marknis's problems is that he is stuck in a very backward rural area.

To Marknis:

In my opinion, you really need to move to Austin, or some similar city, if/when you possibly can. There you will be able to find a wider variety of women, some of whom will hopefully be compatible with you.

To that end, you need to: (1) Decide what kind of career you ultimately want, that will pay enough that you can afford to live in Austin, and then (2) choose a college major with the aim of preparing for said career.