Ethical issue - Should I just leave it alone?

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Aspies: would you want to know if the person you are interested in romantically/developing feelings for is someone who has been manipulating you and lying to you?

I've been friends with a young woman for almost a year. She seemed so nice and friendly that when she initiated conversation with me, I was immediately drawn to her happy bubbly personality. As an aspie I wasn't able to read the cues or signs that something wasn't quite right here. Though as the friendship progressed, I started to notice strange things. She would call me or message me every day, demanding to talk for extended periods of time: 1-5 hours of conversation which is mentally exhausting for me but I would make the effort sometimes. When I would take time to have space for myself, she would call me up telling me about something tragic and dramatic that happened to her so that I would feel bad for her and immediately focus all my attention and empathy on her. Though eventually I started noticing her lying, like making up fake stories to get attention. She even admitted to me that she lies a lot and puts on a fake persona/fake smile in front of others. The frustrating part is that none of her other friends seem to have noticed her behavior. She's so charming and seductive that they all think she's a sweet virtuous person.

Anyway, so she's become obsessed with this aspie guy because he doesn't know her that well yet and gives her the attention she craves. They've only in engaged in small talk (much to his struggle) and she already thinks she's in love and that he's her soulmate. I think he might also have interest in her because, well... she's a pretty woman paying attention to him and unfortunately aspies can sometimes fall prey to that. I can see her starting to pull the same tricks she pulled with me on him and I can't help but feel awful about it. I don't know this aspie very well and he seems like a nice guy from what I can tell. Should I let him figure it out on his own?

I'm in a similar spot myself actually; while the list of girls I'm well acquainted with isn't terribly short, I only innately understand a few of them. For the moment, the one girl I keep running into is probably the only one with any time to spend around the town I live in and she's all but an absolute closed book to me. I wouldn't say any girl I know is particularly dishonest, at most I think those white lies are usually intended as a means of gradually resolving disagreements before they become divisive, or directing attention towards less mixed messages.

She comes off as more indecisive than manipulative to me. I remain good friends with a girl you sort of reminded me about, I think this facet of the female psyche simply calls for patience and the occasional nudge towards principled common ground. Some guy I don't remember told me she was nothing but trouble and she's been more understanding of pretty much everything we talk about here on WP than anyone else in my entire life. Everyone creates fictions around what's expected of them, I don't see how exhaustively maintaining a smile would be any different. If people are used to me staying fit, how would anyone benefit from me skipping workouts? I know another girl who's a bit hyperactive/social like this also and despite our absolute incongruities, she's a great neighbor I'm quite happy to trust, even if she is 100% incomprehensible.

Depends on what the lie is and what the reason for that lie is. If she is in a relationship, pregnant, has an std, and/or an addiction, I would want to know. Likewise if she has a history of manipulating people to take advantage of them financially. If she is doing it just for attention, then I think you should stay out of it. You run the risk of ruining your relationship with her (if that even matters) as well as a relationship that could very well workout between the other guy and her. Sone people need to make their own decisions and learn their own lessons.

It seems mostly just for attention. Some examples of things she's said for attention:

- She told me that someone (she said later that it may have been an employee) drugged her coffee at Starbucks and that she could've been raped. So naturally I didn't think to question it, I called her up immediately to make sure she was OK and empathized. But... she sounded perfectly fine and not on drugs. While we were talking she told me she was messaging every one on her phone about it, including acquaintances who've barely said more than a few words to her. I thought, well that's... strange. Why would you want people you barely know to read that you got drugged and nearly raped?
- She's been telling me that people (she doesn't know who) have been sending her harassment e-mails and she'll copy and paste them over to me and they're written in the same speech style as hers using the same emoticons she uses. I tell her to block the e-mail address. Then she'll tell me the harassment e-mails are still coming, but from a different address. Whenever I ask her to show me the e-mails directly or print screen them for me, they're conveniently deleted.

She gets jealous anytime aspie guy is around a female who isn't her. She gets jealous when he's with his female roommate, platonic female friends, or even female strangers. She jumps to outrageous conclusions and assumes that every female he's around is his new girlfriend and gets depressed, cries, and I would have to take 1-2 hours to help calm her down and make her feel better. Often times she still wouldn't believe me after all the reassurance I gave her. This guy has no clue about any of this going on.

Here's a conversation I had with her on facebook that raised a lot of flags:

Me: I envy you though... wish I could make friends that easily lol
Her: I think i just lie to people a lot
Me: What do you mean?
Her: i come off as charming and people think I have this gift that I can get anything I want because I know with persuasion i can succeed but I am so paranoid about everyone I meet
Me: I think a lot of people have that persuasion. Though people like me... we tend to just come off as "flat" and "boring" to others
Her: i think sometimes i just don't know who i am anymore because I've kept it up too long
Me: Do you think this is in relation to the dissociation from reality you feel?
Her: It's like on the outside I'm calm and I look like nothing is wrong and that I know what I'm doing and people know I'm in control but then on the inside there's a million thoughts rushing through my head
Her: and yeah I do think it is
Me: Has your therapist/psychologist evaluated you for dissociation? I mean as an autistic person I can understand having a melting pot of thoughts on the inside, but that can also be related to other disorders like BPD and NPD
Her: yeah she thinks it'll just go away as soon as i'm not under a lot of stress
Me: That seems like a lazy suggestion by her
Me: I'm concerned by her lack of concern
Her: me too she has a very lazy lack of concern
Her: it tires me out sometimes


The girl and I aren't friends anymore because I couldn't take the constant attention-seeking and lying and trying to figure out what's real and what's made up. So according to you guys, I should just leave him to deal with it. If it's something you guys can handle, then that's OK with me.

As bonkers as these things can get, I hazard a guess it would be smarter to address this girl in kind as opposed to just dropping everything, even if you're not the one in touch with her any longer.

tough call. how well do you know the guy?

No, because he probably won't until he's already been hurt.

I say you should definitely tell him what's going on, in order for everyone to reach a shared consensus. As crazy as she seems I can only assume this girl is still capable of evaluating her own life, she's been discussing it with you after all.

Why spend so much time talking to a girl messing with your head?

Well I wouldn't be surprised if the recurring theme of mind games is a cycle all involved would like to move past; who's to say anybody in particular started that charade? I mean... sure it's confusing and delicate but if everybody can keep any handle whatsoever on their emotions it's not like I sense danger or ill will. Sometimes people spin their wheels teaching themselves difficult morals...

Thanks for all your input!

We've only spoken once so I don't even think he'd believe me if I told him. I mean I wouldn't believe me if I was him. If I put myself in his shoes, why would I believe someone I've only talked to once? Logically speaking, he's more likely to believe her word over mine. This whole situation is way too complex for me and I'm not sure what I can do.

(and yes even though I've spoken to him once I know that he is definitely an aspie)

This makes me sad because when I did speak to him that one time, he seemed a bit... depressed. I'm worried that when he finds out what she's really like, he'll feel betrayed. Hopefully he'll be OK.

I'm no psychiatrist but I strongly suspect she has BPD because she seems to fit a lot of the criteria. Her obsession is so extreme that she's even started dressing like him. She's cut her hair short to have his hairstyle and she'll even wear the same jewelry on the same parts of her body. She's adopted all of his interests, likes, and dislikes, but it's not because she's genuinely interested in those things-- it's just to win his approval. From what I remember her telling me, he doesn't follow her on Instagram but she follows his account obsessively. She also obsessively follows his friends on Instagram, most of whom don't even know her. I thought things were going well for her because she told me that she was seeing a therapist regularly. But then a month later I asked her how her therapy is going and she told me that she hasn't seen her therapist in 6 months because she feels like she didn't really need it. So... clearly more lies. I have an exceptional memory when it comes to past conversations, but I can never prove my memory. Unfortunately I can't "copy and paste" spoken conversation as proof to her. That was when I decided I was done with the friendship. It was a hard decision because I felt bad for her, but then at the same time she knows how much I hate being lied to, but still does it anyway. If she went to therapy to work out her issues, maybe I could learn to forgive her, but she's not. So I'm done.

In the beginning I didn't really know. I can be quite naive sometimes when it comes to making a new friend. I thought she was just exhibiting typical NT behavior. NTs exaggerate things once in a while so I thought nothing of it. But then I started to notice the patterns in her behavior and eventually the pieces all came together. Of course I wish I found out sooner... it would've spared me some sadness. I haven't spoken to her in a month and we're no longer friends.

I guess the reason why this is bothering me so much is because I don't want to see another fellow aspie get hurt.

Self-preservation, although it told you to get out of there is still a potential deciding factor when such volatile individuals do call truces. Therapy in this instance kind of strikes me as deferential, however uninterested both of you may be in dealing with the melodrama, I could see more ethical issues arising if everybody just dropped it.

I tend to impose a threshold on my attentiveness when people demand it; once they notice this pattern, they digress and consider why else they were speaking with me.