Is there hope or should I just give up?

Post Reply New Topic

As someone who had to relinquish the need to know who he is, let me please assure you all hope is everything. Hope sustains.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Another problem I have but I don't remember if I stated it before is that I am scared of rejection. I have been told 'No' before many times for various reasons and asking a girl for her phone number is overwhelming for me.

Is having zero expectations the same as giving up?

Essentially yes.

One is not entitled to love, but to give up expectations is to assume you have no right to them - and this can mean you feel you don't expect you'd be good enough to achieve what you desire.

Don't give up - but put in the work!

Please print for extra help

I was one of those unlucky autistic kids who dealt with an ongoing severe case of encopresis - a disorder that causes the individual to not pass bowel movements until they become so backed up that liquid feces leaks out into their underwear.

From age 5 to age 14 I smelled funny and had the lowest self esteem. ANY activity meant to make boy's and girls build self esteem I either could not participate in or was so uncomfortable and embarrassed during the activity that I could not have fun.

So when I reached college as an 18 year old boy who had only ever had sex once with a vicious manipulative predator, let's say I was clueless about dating and courtship.

Here is what I learned:

1. Get physically healthy first

- healthy people feel better

- people overlook awkwardness when they think you look sexy

-believing you look healthy and sexy will take away 1 more thing for you to worry about on dates and during social situations

- exercise, 3 to 6 meals a day, fruits, vegetables, fish, chicken, etc. Lots of water. Little to no caffeine.


2. Join a support group

Posting online can help as long as you are getting feed back from other people who have been where you are. Luckily for you most of us have been so this place should be fine.

But meeting in person can really open some doors too. Body language and voice tone is so important. You won't get that here. It's a SAFE place to start practicing social skills like speaking your mind and appearing pleasant even if you disagree with someone.

3. Make a list of your hobbies

When you are alone, what are you doing? How do you occupy yourself? What's fun when you are alone? What would be more fun if you could share it with someone else?

Write these things down.

- don't be too much of an editor while making this list. There is no right or wrong answer and if it is a hobby to you then it IS a hobby.

4. Find the "social version" of your hobbies

Whether you like Pokemon, hockey, call of duty, physics, literature, art, driving, hiking, porn, masturbation or whatever, there is usually a more social version of the hobby.

Example: I was a sad kid who played Pokemon by myself. Now I play Pokemon with thousands of people from around the world and text my friends about new gaming strategies.

If I EVER want an excuse to hit up a friend I send a text on this topic if I'm too timid to say I miss you.

"Hey did you hear about mega lopbunny?"

Almost every hobby can become social in some way. When you find it, check it out. Ask a relative to go with you if you are short on friends and don't want to go alone.

5. Social versions of your hobbies don't exist? Or you don't like he groups that exist?Play God and CREATE one!

After years of social disappointment, a couple in my county formed an autism social group on meetup for adults. It filled up so quick they have thousands of members who attend every month. They do dinner, movies, activities and learn more about themselves through each other.

I recently started a sci-fi fantasy writing group that takes place on Thursdays. They think my booty popping characters in my manga script are hilarious. Anyone else would be offended lol.

I once started a group, TMI by the way, for straight guys who were bi curious and liked super smash brothers. Boy was that surprising and fun.

6. Use these social experiences to make friends and also to make a list of activities you really like sharing with others.

6a: why make friends instead of finding the date of your dreams?

- Friends are lower pressure so you can practice conversations and even faking social comprehension if need be.

(Can he tell IF I don't really get this joke?)

(Can they tell I think this is super stupid and that I will never look at any of them the same again?)

- You want to learn these signs and strategies BEFORE you meet your dream girl who you are afraid of scaring away!

- Friends lead you to places you would not have found on your own.

- You will have stories to tell to fill awkward silences.

- Out of ideas? Maybe your friends took you someplace your girlfriend will like.

- Friends may even accidentally introduce you to girls who you like!

-tired of talking about yourself? Relate what she says to a friend you know!

Example:
"My friend Josh is really into that too. He say this about it. Is that true?"

7. Do at least 1 social thing a month.

Find it and go do it. Go alone sometimes and other times invite someone at the social groups you set up or attended. Preferably someone you have had a few conversations with that weren't too taxing on you or them.

- how can I do this? It's hard and awkward.

You gotta learn how to make excuses even if you don't believe them yourself.

The point of the social groups was ALWAYS to get rid of the uncertainty of whether people want to be bothered or not. So you can feel safe and comfortable reaching out to others you don't know. Simply by being there they are all saying it's ok to say hi. If the group is based on something you both like, you now automatically have something to talk about too that feels legitimate and not desperate.

If you like the conversation and it doesn't seem to inappropriate invite them to one of your monthly social exercises. They don't need to know it's homework. They will think you are just hanging out.

"Have you heard about that new sushi place near the museum? I'm going Saturday. Want to come with me?"

If they say yes, get the phone number or Facebook so you can email and Text.

-texting is like liquid gold for autistic people. I get plenty of time to articulate my thoughts before answering.

- So what just happened? You made it ok for you to contact someone from the group during personal time! So cool!

(Remember Social skills are learned. You have to desensitize yourself to the sensation of it so you can be you and have fun! Imagine the first time you masturbated, if you do that. It probably felt so intense the first time you orgasmed that you had to stop.
Now Imagine if you just never tried it again. You would always assume you just couldn't handle it. Only the other boys who kept trying would finally realize that it gets less intense and uncomfortable. So they start taking more chances and learn more. Eventually they seem like they are better than you when really they are just more experienced. You will wonder why they even like it because it's so miserable for yourself! Social skills are the same.

Now is the time for you to get experience and learn more So when she finally comes along you will be a more COMPLETE person who turns her on and makes her happy. Friends are the key!)

(Remember this is all about being more confident and natural when you start pursuing girls.)

- What if I'm not feeling outgoing enough?

keep the social activity limited to what you can handle at the time. So not feeling outgoing enough to dance or compete in a sport? Eat a hamburger instead!

Just shoot a text out to a couple of people.
Grabbing hamburgers tomorrow, getting chicken today, heard fruit shake has a new ghost Chile ice cream want to go check it out on Saturday?

- I don't have anyone's contact information!

Anyone you met at the social groups who you got along with, use these once a month exercises as an excuse to bridge that personal gap.

Example:

"You said you like burgers right? Have you been to five guys? I'm on my way there after group want to go?"

Afraid to single someone out? Make it plural.

"Anyone want to grab burgers after this? I'm starving!"

The responses will always be predictable. They want to go, they aren't interested, or they are too full because they already ate. Anyone who says yes just do it.

If hanging out isn't miserable for the two of you try it again another time.

After hanging out 1 to 2 times you can feel perfectly comfortable about saying that person is cool and exchanging phone numbers or Facebook addresses.

Want to take a different route?
Get two or three cheap tickets to something taking place.

You: "I got 2 extra tickets to that thing on wednesday, anyone want to go?"

Them: "Ooh me!"

You: "awesome. Here's the ticket and give me your phone number so I can text you where to meet."

Them: "cool man. Thanks."

When you text ask if they want to grab food to so you know if you should eat or not.

- remember the list you made earlier of your interests ns hobbies? Knowing what you like makes it easier to suggest things that you will really enjoy and will put your friends in situations where you can see if you like some of the same hobbies outside of how you met. It's the same with a girl. The difference, you don't want to hold or kiss your friends lol.

Save yourself anxiety and awkwardness by texting if you have to. I personally hate phone conversations. I need time to organize my overwhelming thoughts.

- I have always had a developed a divide and conquer technique in high school when I turned 16. One of the most social years of my life! I would watch everyone. Find a duo I felt I could identify with and would try these invite techniques on both of them. Just like girls feel comfortable hanging with a new girl with a friend accompanying her, friends are this way sometimes too. It could increase the chance of then saying yes and hanging out at first.

8. Use your friends to not feel lonely

When these lonely moments happen reach out to friends. After a couple months of hanging out in public you are ready to invite your friend home or hang out at his or her home. Just shoot a text.

"My mom accidentally ordered an extra pizza. Feel like helping us eat it? We're just watching some crouching tiger hidden dragon 2."

Or you can be more honest and direct too.

"Feeling kind of bummed. Feel like hanging?"

Learning how to rely on friends in a healthy way will mAke you a stronger boyfriend and husband.

If you make a friend who has a hot girlfriend and clearly wants everyone to know how happy he is, ask for advice. What he says may not help at all, but you are giving him a role in your life that fits him.

9. Advance your career

Hopes and dreams are sexy. A guy creating the opportunities he wants is sexy. Why? Because it says to your future girlfriend that you can help steer the relationship in a favorable direction.

If your life is crap, you are miserable and have no money, that screams displeasure to a girl trying to date.

So if you are failing in college, drop out and work until you know what you want to do. I would even say do a hands on vocational program to make more money. In 2 years my cousin was earning $16 an hour repairing air conditioners. If he wants, he can always start a business of his own. And go back to school for something more "fancy".

I must say though that developing skills that are in service of your hobbies is a great way towards career happiness. My passion was being at home and not having a schedule. I now do Secretary work for entrepreneurs in the comfort of my home. Love it! I am now going to school specifically to gain skills so I can make more money from home and experience less anxiety.

No matter what - working gives you money to go on dates, pay for transportation, get gifts, and invest money so you can retire someday.

Guess what - Friends are great and finding you jobs too. Since the army, all of my jobs have been found through friends.

9. Take everything you did to make friends and do the same thing to find a girlfriend

A. Let people know you are looking

When you ask for a job, human resources managers are quicker to higher those who were referred by an acquaintance, right? Then it stands to reason that females are quicker to date a guy who has the approval of friends or family too.

Friends make a great reference and it's why you charmed them before ever trying to charm the girl of your dreams.

After you have known your friends for a while and feel they trust you, ask them to tell single girls about you.

Because you have stuff in common with your friends, they know girls that you have stuff in common with too! They may even be related to some of them, but whose going to ask his sister to go on a blind date with someone he barely knows or trusts? It's social world and friends/acquaintances help extend your reach further. My friend introduced me to his brother in law and we have been together since. My last relationship lasted 6 years and a friend I met at community college introduced us when we were 19.

Tell family too. They want to see you happy.

B. Join a dating group or dating site

If you aren't meeting girls at your regular social groups, then try a dating specific group or website. Can't find one you like? Create it. It would be just like a bird building a nest to impress his mate.

Some areas desperately need a spectrum dating group! All our services are for kids. It's like they don't think we ever grow up.

(Surprised someone is not doing a spectrum match making service by the way!)

10. Don't give up and be patient

You have set up a system that will keep you busy until she comes. All that time you are learning to be more social. You will never be an extrovert probably, but you should get way better at 1 on 1 and 1 on 2 communication at the least. Stuff more than that you will be better at faking.

It's all about not burning out or self destructing so you are still sexy and desirable when she surprises you by showing up - and it's almost always a surprise. Usually just when you truly make peace with not caring it just happens.

It's like people can smell you aren't desperate anymore and that intrigues them Because people have a habit of assuming most single people are desperate.

If you ever confused ask mom, dad, Neuro typical brothers, and ask Neuro atypical friends and family too. Your knowledge is that of everyone you know! You only need ask and move forward.

Good luck friend. You will be ok.

and a person is never supposed to feel too old to learn this stuff

@GayAspieBoi

You have some good ideas. Unfortunately, I live in the Bible Belt in an area that is very backwards and 99.9% of socialization revolves around alcohol, drugs, football, and church. I am also having strained relations with my family so I can't really ask them for help. They never cared for my happiness anyway.

^Hugs! Everyone deserves love.

It is better to truly know what you want from a relationship before rushing into one. As a result, you will develop a sense of independence and freedom from others.

Once you have the obligations and commitment of a relationship, you might find it overwhelming. In other words, do not think that any relationship will be a solution to everything.

It can be better to focus on developing friendships if you are not ready for the intensity of a relationship.

I am in Austin now

I can't say I like it because it seems if I eat meat, like guns, etc. I must be evil.

Also while I tried Asperger's support group I have found other aspies to be extremely difficult to be friends with. They're too easily offended and if I want to actually be their friend, they run. Not exactly helpful... Actually I find minorities in Austin to be very easily offended, to the point that I had to reexamine every word I say because they can be picked apart and I suddenly become racist.

Those music festival is even worse... just a bunch of drunk people who do not care about others.