I am feeling ashamed of myself

Post Reply New Topic

I am starting to feel ashamed of myself more lately because I turned 25 this year and I see myself have never done many things as many people at same age has done. I have combination of hearing loss and ASD that impacts on my way of communication such as writing and speaking. There are no cure to fix this, like taking english classes. It won't fix me. It about adaptation rather than alleviation.

What part of being ashamed? Despite of having lot of female friends, social life and connections. I am still a virgin, still dateless, never been close to a women before in everything. Both non and sexually. Never went skinny dipping before either (the non sexual). I have never done things that everyone has done them all especially at my age. I don't understand why I am a such a bad luck? Is it the excuses from the combination of hearing loss and ASD make people so difficult to share experiences with me because of different perspectives?

I am getting scared of not being young again in near future of not having these experiences that like everyone else has done. I feel so lonely. I don't know what I did is wrong. Went to counselors hundreds of times, so have my questions unanswered. I have volunteer work two days a week with like minded NFT NGO, I am completing my thesis this semester and that etc. Still waiting for an employment, as usual. Like how difficult to find a girlfriend is a same difficulty of finding an employment. My consultant is struggling too because jobs are in their own control of choosing who they want to work for.

I felt so useless, even being independently on my own I still feel useless because I have no one to share experiences with. I didn't do anything wrong or cause to make that to happen. Why the world is causing this to happen to me? Is it because they don't like me even doesn't want me to participate in the society?

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. I don't think that you should feel ashamed. It's not a terrible thing. For you it is bad, because you are lonely and unhappy, but it's not something to be ashamed of.

I'm thinking that you are likely missing social cues, and are afraid to make a move. Since women often expect the man to make the first move, and since they usually let others know in an indirect way that they are interested, it's likely harder for you to get a date than it would be if you were a woman. My only suggestion would be for you to try to study social cues as related to flirting, and be willing to make the first move, even when you are uncertain or afraid of rejection.

I think you're doing great. You're doing what you have to do as far as life is concerned.

You are doing theses (plural of thesis) and you're volunteering.

I think you'll find somebody nice after you get your degree.

I am still learning social cues, but unfortunately when I am in the situation I won't know I need to learn something new or something need to learn what is about. I never know, hence missing the social cues and flirts. I am completely blind to this. I don't see it, and I will never see it. Unless it has to be simple and clear. Verbally it is best way for me to learn and know things/situations.

The combination of hearing loss and autism reduces chances of perfect language skills because of the wiring function of the brain is designed to self learning. The memory imprints is based on obsession and passion. I couldn't get passion in writing and speak because it never does to me. I am passion in environment, sustainability and meteorology. I never forget these stuff.

I am afraid of graduating as a super dateless innocent virgin and heading into graduate employment where everyone has done their stuff. So awkward, embarrassing and shameful to be an outlier. I don't like being in this situation because I never wanted to be like this.

How can you feel worse about being ashamed of it rather than feeling lonely and wanting someone? Doesn't it hurt you more than thinking about what people might think of you?

About difficulty in speaking and writing, do you usually read? I almost never have vocal conversations in English, but writing in chats and reading helps.

Romance is but one aspect of life.

you're doing well in other areas.

The romance will come eventually.

I know you're not believing what I'm saying.

It's better to have one quality lover in 90 years of life than 25 lovers of little quality.

You'll realize this when you've experienced life more.

Well I can provide my personal perspective which may help. I didn't really have my first real date until I was 26, or first kiss until 29 (which also happened to be my first serious relationship). Now I'm 30 and in a second relationship that seems to be going wonderfully thus far. There is another guy who posts on this forum who I believe had a similar experience of starting fairly late, and I think he's getting married soon.

I mention that just to say that no matter how late you start, it can happen - you just can't give up hope. What worked for me was a combination of online dating and therapy - basically trying to analyze everything about my behavior that may have been hindering me romantically, and focusing on ways to improve. In the end, all it really took was a few very minor adjustments to things like body language to have a huge impact...dating has a lot of unspoken rules that can be difficult to pick up on and follow if you don't know them. It was definitely not an easy road though, and I had to suffer through countless rejections before I finally got a handle on why I was constantly being rejected.

I know firsthand how hard it can be, but you have to make sure not to let it impact your sense of self-worth or your enjoyment in life. The more you are able to enjoy your life outside of a relationship, and the more strongly you value yourself, the more likely it is that you will find someone. There is no reason to feel ashamed - you have simply taken a different path through life, and from my perspective that can be a wonderful thing since it gives you a unique take on life.

I can understand why it's so hard for you. Being without typical social instinct and also being hearing impaired means that you have more challenges to overcome than most people when it comes to dating. But I really don't think it's hopeless.

You are still really young, even though you probably don't feel that way. You have a lot of life ahead of you. So there is time for you to accomplish these things. Even studying the concepts of social interaction and flirting will probably be useful. I think it's better to at least know the rules and social cues, even if you aren't always able to recognize them.

I understand that you feel embarrassed for being different or less sexually experienced than most people your age. But different isn't necessarily bad. There is no rule that says you have to be sexually experienced by a certain time. It doesn't mean that you are somehow less than other people. I'm sure that there are aspects of yourself which are superior when compared to other people, such as your intelligence and education.

You may feel like an outlier, but other people won't necessarily know that about you unless you tell them. There's no reason why people at your future place of employment have to know any of this.

I think the right type of girl will be impressed by your knowledge and intelligence, and see past your difficulties to the person you really are underneath. You might have to be willing to take the first step, and face possible rejection for this to happen.

Indeed.mnothng is going well for me. So you could be hopeless like me doomed to never be loved or experience anything others do and have all women look down on you.

I second that motion; I am answering to you because it seems like I can, for once, really relate. I am severely deaf, in combination with ASD. I also was a late bloomer, for a female in my socio-economical environment. The romance do come eventually; I know it is hard to see others -sometimes less nice or diserving people- walk by you, hands in hands, looking happy, but, one day, you will find a person when you are not looking. NTs for instance reject people that too eager. At some point, indeed, some people in life try to look for people THEY like, not their social circle, just them with with their desires. I am not going to pretend it is great dating with hearing loss, but it made me a great criteria: if my date won't repeat what he said or just "it's just a joke, it's not important", they are outta here. I have a slim picking to choose from, but I refuse to shut down my primary needs to close the deal. I know it is not easy, but you should never sell yourself short, it is not worth it in the long run and you are just going to explode at one point.

For the speech problem, if you have not given it a go already, and if you can afford it, really do try speech therapy. It works less in adults, and English is more difficult than other langages to lipread ("another thing that inhibits successful lipreading is the fact that only about 30 percent of the sounds of the English language are visible from a person’s face/lips (Charrow & Wilbur, 1975; Harvey, 1984; Ludders, 1987; Roe & Roe, 1991"). But it can improve your own ability to pronounce well and speak fluidly. I know for a fact it is boring as hell but it can be really efficient. I also go for something that can add to your masculine charm: when in doubt, I listen rather than speaking, in groups, or on a date. You will not only look considerate, but mysterious (^^). Speaking slowlier helps. I also speak to myself when I am alone,to correct possible quirks and mispronunciations. Sometimes, I read aloud books, some other times I just repeat fifty times a word I am having trouble. In other words, speaking is not natural, but can be practiced. I still sound strange (I have no accent in my langage) and I still pronounce s like ch (which is weird in my native langage), but most people do not guess I am deaf, unless I tell them, which I now do, because wtf is wrong wih people that recoil when you tell them you are deaf. Also, and I am sorry if I overwhelm you, learning a foreign langage can free you from the s**t that comes from a native langage, including the emotional implications but also technical problems and improve your general abitilies in your native langage.

I also infer from contexts and general patterns of people when they speak, but that one is difficult to convey.


But feel no shame; there are all sort of paths in life, and none is more worthy than the others (well, becoming a serial killer is an option I personally frown upon); having skinny dipped is not essential to living a fullfilling life (man, do have hearing aids ? Because, when you do, skinny dipping is complicated, of course). Do not lie, but do not volunteer unnecessary infos if you are embarrassed by your lack of experience. But lack of experience now can be down the road well seen, and not an impeachment to experience. For instance, I did not have friends during my high school years, I now speak to people on a daily basis and I lived with someone for two years -it took a strain on me, but it is possible. Sometimes, miracles do happen: someone I actually really liked, after we had been schoolmates for two years told me he liked-liked me. I may sound completely stupid, but I lived that moment like if youth and teenage energy was restaured to me. So, have hope, you can enjoy beautiful moments even if you feel you are too old to. Take care, mate.

So I am wondering why I am totally different to most people? For instance they lose virginity at average age of 17-18 according to multiple survey research papers. Psychology Today says late bloomers become a norm. I am getting confused in between of those opposite views.

I am getting a bit scared meeting women who will judge my inexperience they will run away from me. I have lot of friends told me they prefer experienced guy. I felt like, oh dang its too late now. I'm 25 and its going to be difficult to break this game.

Though I prefer love long term romantic relationship/marriage/partnership. Though I have a feeling as she being the right person for me who already had multiple partners before me. I would feel dirty and becomes patronised by the huge difference of experience level. That is one of few complicated factors as being involuntary celibate in mid 20's.

Why would you ? I sincerely do not understand what you mean by that.

You are not going to like that but because you are actually, objectively different from other people. And that's why you should not care about average and statistics. Really, it is way more interesting to define your own path.

I think what Psychology Today means is that there are more late bloomers but also more 13th years old to lose their V card. So it averages at 17 but with higher distributions on the extreme of the panels. I don't know if I make sense.



For one thing, I once dated a guy who was 27 and a virgin and did not read as one. I am not really good at social reading but if he had not told me at the critical moment, I would not have known. He was clumsy but many men are. And many women. It is a poorly advertised fact

There is a ton of good material online on how to technically be a good lover. You can gain confidence by reading it. I can't stand Laci Gteen but I must say she provides good insights, for exemple. Anyway, you make love to one person, and people can tell you what they need,want, expect, and you can go from there. I always say it when I don't know how to do something, admitting ignorance to somebody who likes you is a good test of their character.

It's a controversial solution but did you consider one of your female friends might be attracted by you ? I am not saying to go and knock at their doors but sometimes things are closer than we think.



I can get why you would say you are into long terms stuff but those are things you try before saying them. I used to think I wanted to live with someone. I nearly ripped the guts out of a courteous man after living two years with him, because I was soooo tired.

I cannot say for the other women but I never compare between two lovers. What would even be the point ? If she is with you, stark naked, she is probably attracted to you.
It is only a personal point of view but please do not go around and ask your girl when you find her what her mileage is. It is kind of revolting and insulting.

My lady was actually a little uncomfortable knowing that I was with other women before her. She (and I) wish I could have been a virgin. It's not hard to figure out: just be slow and respectful at first.


My lady had almost no experience other than me and the one I dated before I am almost certain was (is) a virgin. I've also dated women who have probably been with 10 guys. The fact that I never knew for sure should tell you it's not that big of a deal.

The one thing I learned about every single woman I dated was that: they were all VERY self-conscious about their appearance (even the ones who were quite attractive), they like feeling protected (even the most independent feminists) and will never directly state their feelings for you. The best way to see if there is attraction is to look at their eyes and feet: they rarely lie.

The bottom line is that you have to make the first move, you will likely screw it up a few times and that's a good thing: if I wasn't such a chicken when I was younger I would have learned rejection is not the end of the world.

How many women rejected you? Once you hit hundreds or thousands it is the end of the world it's depressing.

I doubt it that 100,000 women have rejected you.

You won't listen to me, of course.....but you have to turn over a new leaf in this

You have to assume that you're smart, and that you'll find a woman soon.

That is the ONLY way you'll be successful.