Focusing On People Who Like Me

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I wanted to know if this was something that many others have experienced, or if I'm just an odd one out.

In the course of my 23 years of life, I've had 3 girls tell me they like me (or had a crush on me, or some variant thereof). And almost immediately I feel like I'm in love with them. I can't stop thinking about them, to the point where it can sometimes effect my personal life (not wanting to go out and do things because I want to be available if they call).

Here's what happened recently:

About three weeks ago, I had a girl tell me online (we play WoW together) that she had a crush on me. She gave me her phone number, and we've talked/texted/etc. on several occasions. The downside is that, apparently, just before she started texting me she started dating somebody else (also on WoW).

When she doesn't text me, she's all I can think about. I spend time looking up stuff I could get her to surprise her, thinking about what to say to her, wondering if/when she'll text me, etc. It's gotten to the point where even I think I'm probably coming off as creepy/obsessive.

And here's the thing: I know, logically, I don't love her. I don't even really think I have any feelings for her at all. I mean, she's most likely using me - especially since she's dating somebody else. I know all of this from a logical standpoint, but when she tells me how much she likes me and how much I make her happy, it does something to me and I can't stop focusing on her.

Has anybody else had similar (a) experience(s)?


Just as a side note, I've never dated anybody. I've been out on a few dates, and never made it to a third date. There was a long period in my life where I questioned whether or not I could even feel love.

I'm not sure if you're coming off as creepy. Maybe you think you are because in your head, you're obsessing about her.

To be honest, as a person who's been in a long term relationship for the past three years, My best advice is to simply go with the flow.

I've had several relationships, this present one being my sixth. The thing was that I expected way too much from those previous relationships, I held this misconcieved idea that the girl of my dreams was going to be this 100% perfect girl who I would never have a fight or arguement or have a sad moment with. Most of the time, my previous relationships also had this same concept stuck in their heads, mainly because they were all much younger than I was, and certainly less mature and in some cases, less intelligent than I was.

It's important that you realise that the initial part where you are crushing on someone is hard to rein in, especially for people with ASDs who find it difficult to see the nuances of when someone may be reciprocating feelings, but of course, that depends on how perceptive you are to emotions. The simple fact that for one, our emotions are usually a lot more intense than other peoples', and for another, that we have a difficult time in picking up social cues, make it super tricky for us to find partners.

The thing is, if you know you _logically_ don't love her, i.e, you cannot see a future where you will be able to put up with her emotions, help her out if she's having a bad day, deal with her moodiness when "that" time of the month comes around, deal with the fact that maybe she might look a little Frumpy from time-to-time, chances are that your relationship WILL NOT work out.

You need to consider that women are actual flesh-and-blood people, with real dreams, goals, aspirations, needs, and wants. If you cannot see past "she's so nice to me", then chances are you most likely will not form a _lasting_ relationship with that person.

Put it this way, the only reason why my partner and I have stayed together for so long is simply that we are willing to put up with eachother's bad sides. For instance, My partner's a Scientist in training that also happens to have an ASD herself, so by that logic, we already kinda get eachother. We also know of our weaknesses. She worries too much. I get scared too easily. She's a bit obsessive and meticulous. I'm a bit messy and a little too laid back. But, we both put up with those traits, because we know that at the end of the day, we are willing to use those traits to make up for eachother's weaknesses. When she worries about stuff, I usually help her destress. When I get scared of things, she's there to hold my hand. When I forget to clean stuff up around the place, she scolds me. When I tell her she's getting too worried about dirty things that won't kill her (like say, if she gets a stain on her shoes or something), I comfort her. You need to take the good with the bad when it comes to partners, and if you cannot do that, you cannot have a relationship.

Sorry to be harsh.

Nah, you weren't harsh at all. You made some very good points.

To be honest, I have no idea if I love her. I've never been in love, so I don't know what it feels like. I care a lot about her, and I would like to be with her - is that what love is? I'm worried that, as you said, it's just the initial emotional kick from her liking me.

To address the post above yours, this is a problem I've always had. Some people tell me that I've come on too strong, while others say they didn't notice anything. I have a tendency to over analyze everything - especially what others may or may not think of me. For example, if I try and make a joke and nobody laughs, I'll spend the rest of the day worried about what they think about me. Or if I say something that upsets somebody, I'll spend way too long apologizing for it; to the point where that is what ends up annoying them more. It's something I've worked with my therapist on fixing, but it's slow going.

Edit: this could be because of my AS, it could be because of my childhood, or it could be a combination of both. I had a lot of family problems when I was younger, and sadly I learned not to trust people.

You have girls crushing on you. I say you're already ahead if the curve. Just go with it. My only suggestion is don't let anyone play you, like your WoW friend. Don't put up with someone saying she likes you and starts dating someone else. That's messes up. Also, try not to get too emotionally involved with whoever shows interest in you. Use crushes or interest as a way to leverage time with that person so you can become close(r) friends, get to know each other, and see if anything fun happens. There's no limit on how many acquaintances you have, just don't advertise what you're doing. Just take your time and let nature run its course.

As far as what love is like... I make a point of keeping my emotions out of most things I do, including my love life. So I don't "feel" love the way most people think about it. To me, love is an action, not a "feeling." You love someone when you DO something she likes. Or you meet a need. Or give a gift. Or take her out/cook her favorite meal, etc. Back scratches, foot rubs, you get the idea. Whatever your thing is. That's a small part of what I think love really is, and how I feel has little to do with it.

Just my opinion, but I think what most people actually "feel" is attraction. Or maybe it's desire to possess anothet person. Or a desire or need for intimacy. Maybe it's some aesthetic element that, for no apparent reason, you feel you can't live without. For me, it's feet. I'm a musician. My SO has two birthmarks on the bottom of her feet that resemble a snakebite, so there's defo that myth of Orpheus thing going on. It can be anything, and it's unlikely (I think) you can ever explain it. There's nothing wrong with feeling a desire for someone, but I'd hardly call that love. Actually buy her a nice bottle of wine, take her to a movie, take her to her fav restaurant--THAT is how you love someone.

You should call her and take her on dates, and initiate texts telling her how you feel and what you like about her (provided she remains interested). At the very least, she will be flattered and enjoy the attention. Spend time with her, enjoy yourself, and see where it leads.

@Angel,

It's interesting, because I think a lot of the times I'm the exact opposite way. For example, I don't like giving/receiving gifts on birthdays, Christmas, etc. It just never really made sense to me. The idea of a "birthday" seems arbitrary to me: you're basically signifying that you survived as the planet took another trip around the sun? And Christmas isn't even on the right day (from what I've heard/read - I'm not religious personally).

Personally, I think I'd be much happier with somebody saying they loved me than getting me something. If I want something, I'll usually just get it myself (because who knows what I want better than me). But love from somebody else is something I can never get myself, you know? At least that's just my view on things. Though I do agree that doing things for them is a good way to show you care. Like back rubs, massages, going to dinner with them or cooking for them, etc.

I still get where you're coming from though. I think that maybe what I'm feeling now (and what I've felt before) is just attraction. Or excitement at the prospect of somebody liking me. Of course that excitement often leads to me annoying the person, since I get so focused. I go through these "phases" of sorts. At first, I want to text them all the time, and if they're not texting me I get nervous. Then I don't really want to text at all; I'd rather talk on Skype/the phone or meet up or something.

Personally, I hate texting. The only time I'm ok using it is to convey information (pick up some eggs, dinner's at 8, etc). I don't want to have a conversation over texting - I have enough trouble reading people when I'm standing in front of them!

I don't care for receiving gifts myself much, either. There really is no benefit to giving gifts, either. But you have to understand human nature if you plan to make and maintain connections with others, ESPECIALLY romantic relationships.

The main thing people want is to feel special or important. You don't give gifts to get what you want from them. You give gifts out of a desire to meet their needs and wishes. Reciprocation is a by-product of caring for others. So when you have needs, people will come out of the woodwork to give you what you want (within reason) according to the generosity you've shown them.

Applying this to romantic or intimate relationship is probably most easily done by giving gifts. Meet her needs, make her feel special, and you can expect awesomeness and a great relationship. I would even suggest that sex is the ultimate realization of reciprocity.

I get why some people don't see the point of giving gifts. But I think you end up better off if you get in the habit of giving.

I have had good luck with going on dates when women offered, and I've regretted it when I haven't gone. Even if I don't end up having a good time with the woman, I can have a good time on the date. If we aren't compatible, I just accept it immediately even if there are good arguments for why we should be compatible. Also, I accept if she makes me a little irrational. Don't people say, "What's sex without Risk?" They meant the board game, but it applies generally, in my opinion. The best sex sometimes starts weeks before you take your clothes off, or even mention sex, so I'm not necessarily talking about jumping right into the sack.

If someone lies constantly, and apologizes and then immediately does the same thing, and denies that they said things that they just said, then cut them off. Obviously. It's possible to work through a lot of other stuff.

@Angel

Actually there's a funny story about that. My parents used to say that I was the most "giving" kid they knew, to the point that it was detrimental to myself. I used to give everything away - Pokemon cards, beanie babies, games I liked, etc. They always thought it was because I was overly generous. In reality, it was because I didn't know how gift giving worked, so I thought if I just gave people stuff then they would like me. Long story short: it didn't make people like me more, it just made take advantage of me more.

But I get what you mean. There are a lot of things that don't make sense to me, but I do them anyway because I know that's how society works.

@ JrJones

So how do you go about finding these women? That's always been my real problem. I went to an engineering school, so it was almost all men (sadly). Now I work in a fairly large office, where nobody else is younger than 30 (I'm 23 - almost 24).

Can I just walk up to people and start talking to them? Let's say I'm at a museum and I see a girl by herself looking at something. Would it be weird to walk up to her and try to start a conversation? Can I just start a conversation with a stranger without coming off as creepy, weird, etc.?

I'm kind of lazy. I have the best interaction with women when I do the things I do well that put me in contact with them. I'm good at theatre, and that's a place with a mixed group who tend toward sexual openness.

Mostly, I can talk to people if I'm in a situation where I'd be okay with someone walking up to me. The walking part matters more than the talking. Some people will respond at the tails of the distribution, but mostly I find that people respond in kind. When I think about what I'm going to say, I try to put it all in positive terms. People often misunderstand some of the words in any given sentence, especially if it is words from a stranger out of the blue. If they hear some negative word, they might assume it's a negative message. The same goes for a situation where they might feel afraid, or not expect someone to talk. It's best to say "Hey" and check their response.

I mean, on the most primitive mental level it's about how you walk up to the person. Own your space, and leave plenty of room for their space is the best way I can put it. One suggestion that I sometimes remember to apply is to feel my words filling me with a nice, warm feeling. The words clearly have to fit that vibe, but it's a comfortable feeling that can get through to the other person.

Then the other person responds. I try to start from neutral with my reaction, and move towards where I feel. That seems to be a reasonable bridge from the autistic mind to the presumably neurotypical mind. Keeping in mind that a lot of people will not respond and I will move on, any response could be cause for celebration. At that point, if the response shows that they understood what I said or at least got the positive impression I intended, I can consider the interaction a victory. This is not something that I exclusively look to do with people who interest me romantically, by the way. It's fun for all, and randomly talking to women exclusively will just make a person look creepy. Don't ask me why, because it's a fact that I can't easily explain.

I enjoy stuff that seems to be mostly solo-activities (although would also be fun with a friend). Things like playing video games, reading and writing, going to museums.

I just always feel nervous when in a conversation with somebody I'm not comfortable with. Honestly though, I've never really tried to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger (like the situations I described). Does just saying "hey" actually work? If somebody said only "hey" to me it would probably confuse me.

I am also kind of poor when it comes to reading people and their reactions.
For example: if they smile at me, does it mean they want me to keep talking? Are they only doing it because they don't want to seem rude? If they don't smile at me, does it mean they want me to leave them alone? Or are they just not smiling, but still want me to continue?

Stuff like that plagues my mind as I try to converse with strangers.

I wish people were more open sexually where I worked. Or just in general.

What kind of museums? Do women go to them? Can you talk about whatever is in these museums and stop after one or two sentences? Boom.

You have to have something ready to follow the Hey, but yes. If you say it in a nervous tone, that will make the rest difficult, but set low expectations for your initial tests. The first time, say Hey, and then if you get any response say something short and positive and clever about the art or whatever. Consider that a victory and take whatever comes next as a bonus. That would be a good start. Try to feel that nice, warm feeling I mentioned. Somehow, it seems to work. You also want to remember to listen to what the other person is saying and develop a positive response, but that will come with time. The main thing is to start trying when you feel motivated and treat it as a learning experience.

I heard about a guy who set out to get rejected for practice. He said it changed his life, and didn't seem to inconvenience anyone else. He'd ask random people for random things and expect them to say no. Obviously, he had to want them to say yes and be willing to accept their help if they did. I hear it on NPR. I don't feel like looking it up, but if you can't find it easily, let me know.

Not a huge fan of art museums. I like my museums like I like my women: nerdy. I suppose I could try engaging in conversations with people for the sole purpose of rejection. Would seem kind of weird at first, but I guess it's exposure therapy so it could definitely work.

I can see myself saying something I think is funny and clever but ends up confusing or terrifying the other person.

Me: "Hey"
Her: "Hello"
Me: "How much do you think this artifact is worth?"
Her: "Uh...what?"
Me: *shifty eyes* "Excuse me, I have to go make a call."

Hell knowing me I'd probably go farther with it. I have a dark sense of humor sometimes.

Me: "And how fast do you think security would respond to alarms?" "How many cameras do you see in here?" "Do you think I could fit a tank in this room?" etc.

You can't just give people stuff and expect people to just like you. Expect nothing in return. That's the trick. The real test is finding out who your real friends are.

One of the 48 Laws Of Power is "Beware the free lunch." Nothing of value is ever free, so always pay in full every chance you get. Giving gifts creates an uncomfortable feeling of obligation or indebtedness. Normally people feel a compulsion to return the favor. The way you separate the sheep from the goats is by seeing who gives back or returns favors when asked. People NORMALLY want to get this out of the way as quickly as possible, so always think carefully how you can use someone when the day comes when you need a favor.

I don't really look at it as emotional debt, though. I look at it as investment. Successful long-term investors have a diverse portfolio. Some companies will do better than others, a few will go belly-up, and most will do slightly better than breaking even.

People are like that. Some you may have to be more patient with. Some you have to write off as a loss. But most will come through for you even-Stephen while a few will really go the extra mile.

With dating, this is absolutely critical. The initial goal of dating is simply to get to know someone. Some material reward is necessary to literally buy time with someone. You get immediate payback on that one because you got the company of a cool person. If you don't see this person as datable after the first date, write it off as a loss and move on.

You got part of it right!

To clarify, omit anything which involves uninvited appraisals of other peoples' stuff, and probably all such invitations.