Why is attraction so nonsensical

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Attraction is just the beginning of those things. Attraction can stay as simply attraction and never really grow into love.

I genuinely can't believe you've never been attracted to someone that you knew you had no future with. Even if it's not going to work out, there's no way you can stop your heart beating a little faster when you see them or interact with them. You can't control that.

Last edited by hurtloam on 27 Mar 2017, 2:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I've had so many unrequited crushes/lusts/loves, etc. Too many to count. And it was unrequited on their part (alas!). I know the feeling of being rejected all too much.

I've been attracted to some people you'd never think I'd be attracted to. That didn't seem to "make sense."

There was this woman who was a motorperson on the NY subway. She wasn't exactly glamourous---but I felt attracted to her after a few talks with her. She was a unhappily married lady whose husband probably abused her.

We thought about exchanging letters through post office boxes (no Internet yet). Nothing came of it--because she transferred to another line as a flagperson.

She outweighed me by at least 100 pounds. Yet there was something about her....which evoked lots of heavy fantasies in me.

That's what happens to me, too. Almost all the guys I'm attracted to and get involved with, it doesn't work out and I end up avoiding the guy. When I'm attracted to a guy, it's usually the outside I'm attracted to at first. But then I learned that looks aren't everything. Now I make sure that I get to know the guy first before I get involved with him. But then my hormones go through the roof and, well, I think you get the idea. Let's just say I regret ever meeting the guy. I'm not sure why it's only really good sometimes. What I can't seem to find are guys who are my age and attracted to me. It always seems like either guys way too young or way too old for me are attracted to me. Why is that? I'm guessing that the younger guys like me because I look younger than I actually am; much younger. With the older guys, I think they're just lonely and horny. I'm not sure what you mean by mutual attraction. And yes, I often settle for guys who are just ok just for the sex. To be honest, that's pretty much all I get from relationships anyway; at least all I like in a relationship. That's why I prefer friends with benefits, but I shouldn't even be doing that right now. I need to focus on getting my life back together and on staying sober.

I mean I've seen time and again people liking someone and the other person has no interest in them. Mutual attraction is that rare gem where people both like each other as much as the other. The feeling is mutual.

George Constanza can explain this one:

Choosing what is best and choosing what you're attracted to are different things.

Someone could be attracted to a person that wouldn't be good for them, they can choose not to pursue or continue a relationship with that person even though they are attracted to them...

But not sure how people could really choose whether they are initially attracted to someone or not. Attraction has never seemed like a 'rational' process in my brain sort of just happens. Also I have a boyfriend so anymore if I see someone else attractive I may glance at them and acknowledge yes I think they look good, but I am not going to fantasize being with them instead or anything like that as I value my relationship.

This is a teen-like reaction; I know because it stayed late in me before losing my virginity and getting some little relationship experience.

[Theory]
(Also I am recalling older posts of yours) I think all these things you describe about your reactions toward your crushes such as "fast heart beating", "panic" ...etc are symptoms of lack of relationship/sexual experience. I was just like that before till around age 29 but no longer. You're still stuck in the "teen stage" or "puppy love stage" for this sort of things, do you really believe that people who had plenty of dating and relationship experiences since they were 15 or so, experience things like that? Like us? I think not.

Now I am more like 314pe, maybe not for attraction - but among those I find attractive, I choose who to like and who to have feelings for; usually based on her reactions/interactions with me and my chances with her. So yeah, a big part of it is rational.
[/Theory]

Either that, or my heart became soulless and dead.

Yes I do because I've seen older men than us blushing when I talk to them.

That sounds like lust. Yes, I've experienced that. It's just your brain releasing chemicals which are supposed to increase urge to procreate.

Yey! You get it. That's what we're talking about.

That's really unfair Boo. That was one time with one specific set of circumstances. It was an awkward situation. I was in a group of people I didn't feel like I really belonged with and I felt like everyone was judging me. It's not happened like that before or after.

That's not about attraction. It's about social anxiety.

I've moved on and don't hang out with that group of people anymore.

But this topic is very useful for us aspies. Now you can see that for most people, it's very important how they "feel" about you. If you seem odd or unusual, for example, then you have no chances. Your character won't matter if you won't trigger this initial attraction.

Double post

So would you go out with someone you're not attracted to? And why?

I've once been in love/ felt that kind of love for someone. I got to know him in a more natural way and not via online dating or anything like that. Thus I didn't choose to interact with him because I was attracted to him. I was already interacting with him before I got attracted to him and to not interact with him I'd have needed to intentionally avoid him. The situation didn't make intentionally avoiding without being impolite particularly easy.
Yes, he wasn't the only one I ever felt attracted to but no matter how much time I'd have spent with most of the others, I don't think I'd actually have fallen in love with most of them. It simply was a different kind of attraction.
And sure, as long as it is just the beginning of being attracted to someone it isn't emotionally difficult to choose not to interact with them. Yet, for me it's still a lot more easy to forget about the initial attraction and ignore it if it's purely physical attraction than if I actually like the other person.
But it's true, since falling in love takes time and you need to get to know the other person you can choose whether you let yourself fall in love with someone by interacting with them or not - if you can easily choose not to interact with them.

Still, since attraction due to lust is the easiest to ignore, attraction due to infatuation is a little less easy to ignore and attraction that already turned into love/being in love can't just be switched off (although it of course can be avoided to act on it) I really absolutely don't agree with 314pe.

Ah Northwind you are explaining what I meant better than I am.

Yes, I was thinking of something more organic too. The kind of attraction that grows as you interact with someone who is just around because of shared activities like a club or in the workplace.

You don't choose to like them. They just grow on you. And it can be the strangest of people too, like in Kraftie's example. People you wouldn't have clicked on in a dating app, but who you become attracted to over time. Sometimes there is that little something about them you like when you first meet, but that's nothing really. The attraction grows the more you interact with them and the more you see how they interact with other people.

I really think that "attraction" is something superficial that should be avoided. Especially sexual attraction. In addition to that, I basically only see strangers as attractive, so using attraction as a prerequisite for relationships would be highly maladaptive for me because as soon as I get to know them better, the attraction would be lost.