Aspie husband???
13 Jul 2017, 3:30 pm
Hi everyone. I am married to a man that I highly suspect has AS. This all came about because of the issues with our 4 year old son that have been building, but recently I have taken action to help us with the next step of diagnosis/getting help. I am almost 99% sure both of them have AS or, at the very least, are on the spectrum. The very beginning of our relationship was intoxicating. He was so smitten with me and I ate up every second of it. Call it being a Leo or insecure of whatever, but I sometimes love feeling like the center of someone’s universe and cannot stand to be ignored, especially by someone I am romantically involved with. My issues need work. Anyways, on top of this, we are both recovering alcoholics who meant each other through other friends at AA. I was in active recovery, him not so much. He eventually did relapse and was drinking a lot, lost his job, etc. I have always had issues with wanting something that I knew was bad for me (hence the alcoholism), but I really wanted to stay sober and become a better mother to my children. I wanted a better life. I stepped back from him. He pursued me hard. I finally gave him an ultimatum one morning. Work the program to get sober and find a job or I was gone. By that afternoon, he had a temp construction job and vowed to never have another drink again. He wanted to be with me and would do anything to get that. How could I say no to a man who was trying so hard? I gave in. We moved in together very quickly. I felt drawn to him magnetically. He was so giving and selfless and hardworking and he never made me feel unwanted. We were both working, but still struggling financially to make ends meet. We were both hell bent on giving our children and our selves a better life. We made an amazing team. Where I lacked, he picked up and vice versa. It felt perfect. I had hope for the future. He had quirks, but "who didn't?'' I told myself. He was different than most men. He didn't watch or play sports, but loved working on cars and he was great at it. He loved video games and could get lost in that for hours. He was loud and funny and I loved how he was different from all the other men I had ever known. He was authentic and he was mine. I got pregnant. Financially, we knew we couldn't afford another child. He had one daughter and I had a daughter and a son. We could barely pay the essential bills on what we were making at the time. Emotionally, we both agreed that this was a blessing, a new start for us. We would know what mistakes what not to make this time. He was so happy. I was scared, but I did want another baby, maybe just not so soon. None of that mattered. I was pregnant. A baby was coming. Like it or not. Very soon after we found out I was pregnant, the jealousy started to flow out of him. If I left the house, he would call multiple times (sometimes every 10 minutes or more). He had trouble sleeping (always has) and I would wake up in the middle of the night to him going through my phone. It would take a lot for him to come out and accuse me of anything. He would act terrible for a few hours or so and I would complain and he would finally come out and say he thinks I am cheating on him, etc. Mind you, I was pregnant and had horrible morning sickness. Sex was the last thing on my mind. He would always stew on these thoughts for hours, which I found odd. I grew up in a family where everything was laid out in the open. There were no secrets. If someone was unhappy with you, you knew it. There was no guessing. This new version of the man I loved was infuriating. All of it. I hated myself. How could I not see this before? Who was this person? I am having a baby by a man who doesn't trust me and then doesn't respect me enough to talk to me about it. I cried and screamed for what felt like months. I hated feeling like our new start, our new life was a nothing but a sham. I felt trapped and hopeless, but I am a fighter and I always have been. I knew I could fix this. More screaming, more crying. If I could just get him to see. I would spend hours explaining and feeling frustrated when I left the conversation the same way we had started it. I threatened to leave. I couldn't live like this. That got his attention. He didn't want to lose me. Things got better, then bad again. It was an endless cycle that I got sucked into over and over again. He did get better over time. It was like I had to earn his trust over the years. It was exhausting and hurtful and I resented him for it. On top of this, his quirks seemed to be more pronounced and he would refuse to change any of them that affected us. He was very paranoid. The doors had to be dead bolted at all times. He would check to make sure they were locked over and over again. He had his own set of rules to live by that he taught our daughter before I met them. (I call her mine because her Mom dies when she was 6 and she needed me) He had to wear an undershirt every day. If he did not have a clean undershirt, he would be late to work to buy new ones, as he could not proceed with his day without having one on. He was blunt and had no problem telling someone his negative thoughts about anything (although he couldn't do it with me during fights). He also did not understand why he could not say or act however he wanted to. He was a terrible driver and still to this day, does not understand that he has to put his blinker on to let the other drivers know he wants to get over) While all of this was going on, he was still very attentive and sweet (sounds insane I know) He never made me feel unloved or unwanted. If anything, I felt smothered. How ironic that I fell in love with how obsessed he was with me. If I had an issue, I would bring it up. He always took it as a direct attack on his character. Any issues or emotional conversations were shut down quickly. I was crazy. I was overreacting. I was out of control according to him. Our sex life was and still is never lacking. If anything, I was made to feel guilty if I didn't feel like having sex. It was like it appetite for it was never fulfilled. We never actually made love. There was no emotional connections during it, but it was great, besides that. I started to feel like just an object, a plaything for him. It was not that he didn't make sure I was satisfied, because he did. He just didn't seem to want to connect emotionally during it or anytime really. I felt like I was losing myself in a way but didn't really understand any of it until very recently. Our son was born. Things got better. Years of my frustration and screaming and bitching seemed to make him want to change or to simply make me shut up. I felt like maybe he was just very much a macho male who refused to see things from any way but his. I never thought it would be this. Life continued. We trudged on. We decided to get married, so we did last year. Things have changed for the better with the jealousy. He rarely acts this way anymore. Part of me thinks, now that I am suspicious of his having AS, that I was one of his obsessions in the beginning but it has faded off now. Still to this day, I have never questioned his love for me or his loyalty to our marriage or our family. He is a provider and a protector and I am so grateful for that. However, a good portion of my time has always been taken up by having to ''reign'' him in. He gets something in his head and he has to do it. His thoughts are so obsessive. He has never seemed to pick up on cues. Even cues that involved me stomping and huffing and puffing while doing all the cooking and cleaning in our house. Sorry, not sorry, its 2017 and I work full time just as much as him. I will not stand to be walked on and have all the household duties fall on me. I am not having it for a minute. He says I just have to tell him what to do. We tried him taking the ''laundry'' to help me out. (There is 6 of us, so this is an immense help) He did great for two weeks, then he fell off. If I casually hinted about the laundry, it seemed to go over his head. He recently got a promotion to foreman at his job. Since then, once we get home from work, he is perfectly content with laying in our bed and watching TV or playing games for hours. It hurts my feelings, more so for our children. It feels like he doesn't want to be around us, but he says he is just tired. So, I complain about having to do everything. He says tell me what to do. I will. He doesn't do it. I ask again, admittedly, not so nice the second time and he gets upset. All I ever do is complain and b***h at him. It’s a catch 22. If he doesn't get my hints or cues, and I have to ask numerous times, then I am bitching and should back off of him. What do you do? It is beyond frustrating. He has been diagnosed with OCD and he grew up in a rough neighborhood. I used to attribute a lot of his behaviors to this, but stumbled across the symptoms of AS while researching for my son and I immediately felt a sense of relief. Finally some answers. So, I know some of this behavior cannot be helped, but I am still resentful and angry. Why should he get a free pass? Why do I have to be the one who does everything for our family? How do I let go of this anger and resentment? I have full blown anxiety that I believe is from our relationship (and my past but has been magnified by my relationship with him). Any help or feedback is appreciated. I love my husband and want to help him. Divorce is not an option. I want to be with him and am committed to making this work. Am I crazy? I must be crazy. I feel guilty even writing this as I don't want to change the person he is. Some insight would be very helpful right now...
14 Jul 2017, 2:43 am
It's impossible to diagnose someone online, however based on what you have written, I don't see anything that is very characteristic of AS. In fact many of the behaviors you have described seem the complete opposite of those found in people with AS. My impression based on your comments about his obsession with you and the jealousy, and the paranoia also given the fact that he is a recovering alcoholic, made me think of borderline personality disorder. However, the paranoia that you described with respect to having to check locks could be related to his OCD.
Concerning not getting hints, and his laziness when it comes to household duties, that's not uncommon in husbands. In fact it's extremely common.
Anyway, that your marital problems didn't always exist makes me think they are the result of your current lifestyle.
The fact is, in two income households where both parties work full time, one party inevitably ends up having to also do the bulk of the housework as well, and it often is the woman. Why this is, I can only speculate. She cares about it more. Due to social reasons, he doesn't see it as part of his responsibility in life. He doesn't actually care about it, etc. But regardless, I don't see your husband becoming Mr. Househusband anytime soon and that might just be something you are going to have to accept.
So what can you do if you can't get him to help more with the chores? Personally, I won't do the work full time and do all the housework thing on top of it. My husband would have two options to choose from. 1. I work and do little, if any housework. 2. I don't work, and do all of the housework.
Even though you are financially strapped, option 2 might work better for your marriage because it will eliminate the fighting about housework and instead of burdening your husband with something he doesn't feel is his responsibility, it shifts the burden to something that he does feel is his responsibility...supporting his family.
Additionally, you will have more time to spend with your husband. At this point, it doesn't sound like your husband is feeling any benefit of marriage. He works all day, and comes home only to be nagged. I'm not saying you don't have valid reasons to be upset, I'm just illustrating what appears to be his experience based on what you have said. Where is the quality time together where you two actually enjoy being with each other?
Maybe, when the time is right, you should sit down with him, and tell him that you are having a hard time managing work and household responsibilities, and you want to be a good wife to him, not a "nagging b!tch" so you think it best that you quit your job to dedicate your time to the household and being a good wife to him.
Regardless though, I think there should be one rule that all married couples with stressful lives should follow. At the end of the day, when everyone gets home from work, I think people should have dinner together and then relax together for an hour or two. People should not come home to problems. Most problems, particularly things like laundry and dishes and so on, can wait until after the person has rested.
The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Jul 2017, 1:58 am
That's actually very expensive in the U.S. Most people can't afford a maid to come and clean weekly let alone a live in maid. A live in maid or housekeeper would be at least $35,000 per year. My sister has a lady come and clean every few weeks and that costs her $100 per cleaning session for a two bedroom apartment.
The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Jul 2017, 2:35 am
That's actually very expensive in the U.S. Most people can't afford a maid to come and clean weekly let alone a live in maid. A live in maid or housekeeper would be at least $35,000 per year. My sister has a lady come and clean every few weeks and that costs her $100 per cleaning session for a two bedroom apartment.
Wow my friend only charges £10 an hour in the UK. And that in a fancy part of the city too.
The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Jul 2017, 3:22 am
He seems to suspect that you got pregnant by another man, what could make him think that? There's a huge trust issue here.
No. You've got the wrong end of the stick here. Im not sure I can accurately explain this sort of thing, but insecure men can be like this. It's a psychology thing.
15 Jul 2017, 3:32 am
Hi OP that was a long post and it's taken a whole to process . Thisstood our to me
If someone behaves like that around me I ignore them. I've got no time for games. Why do you do that? To send a message?
Why not just say "I'm going to Hoover the living room. Can you do the dishes whilst I do that?"
That's easier to understand than sending negative vibes. I wouldn't understand that you want me to do housework if you were huffing and stomping. I'd just think you hated me and I would make sure not to spend time around you.
The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Jul 2017, 4:35 am
I bet some men don't even know HOW to do these stuff but too embarrassed to admit it or afraid to do it wrong and mess things; they were never being trained to do so by their mothers.
15 Jul 2017, 4:50 am
If someone behaves like that around me I ignore them. I've got no time for games. Why do you do that? To send a message?
Why not just say "I'm going to Hoover the living room. Can you do the dishes whilst I do that?"
That's easier to understand than sending negative vibes. I wouldn't understand that you want me to do housework if you were huffing and stomping. I'd just think you hated me and I would make sure not to spend time around you.
I'm in total agreeance with Hurtloam. Don't play games with your partner. If they don't pick up on cues just tell them straight what you're feeling.
15 Jul 2017, 5:15 am
I bet some men don't even know HOW to do these stuff but too embarrassed to admit it or afraid to do it wrong and mess things; they were never being trained to do so by their mothers.
There are women who expect things to be done a particular way and will chide their husbands or boyfriends for doing things "incorrectly" and this can cause the husband or boyfriend to simply avoid attempting these tasks, but others just simply aren't accustom to the tasks, don't realize the work burden of them, or don't care whether or not they get done.
The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Jul 2017, 7:08 am
I bet some men don't even know HOW to do these stuff but too embarrassed to admit it or afraid to do it wrong and mess things; they were never being trained to do so by their mothers.
There are women who expect things to be done a particular way and will chide their husbands or boyfriends for doing things "incorrectly" and this can cause the husband or boyfriend to simply avoid attempting these tasks
Oh, that reminds me of my older sister.
The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Jul 2017, 8:14 am
I bet some men don't even know HOW to do these stuff but too embarrassed to admit it or afraid to do it wrong and mess things; they were never being trained to do so by their mothers.
I read a comment online from a bloke who said "of course we know how to do these things, but the way women ask us in a snappy derogatory tone makes us pretend we can't because who wants to be spoken to like that."
He was replying to a woman who was proudly telling the forum she had taught her dude how to put a wash on.
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