Does not thinking about dating mean the bullies have won?
26 Jul 2017, 8:28 pm
My mother discouraged me from having children despite having three (including me) herself. She would sometimes bring up how she wanted me to get a vasectomy. When I realized I wasn't dating any girls and my hopes were dying, I started clashing with her whenever she would bring up the vasectomy deal. I told her not only would it be like giving a deaf man an iPod, it could be a potential deal breaker if I ever did have a girlfriend. She stopped bringing it up after a couple of clashes.
28 Jul 2017, 9:32 am
I realized marriage would probably not be in my future when I realized I was the only person in my high school classes who didn't go through the normal teenage rites of passage. Academically, I was near the top of the class, but socially I was quite behind. I am getting out into the world much more and hope someday I can find a nice man who will accept me and see that I can be a good person, too.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,499
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
28 Jul 2017, 9:54 am
Marknis wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I definitely don't enjoy my situation and I've tried to get out of my rut many times. I am not like the guys on the love-shy.com forum who just use it as a platform to express how they hate women but still want sex, women's rights, and how they want to move to the Bible Belt because it is supposedly an anti-feminist and anti-liberal utopia.
And what exactly have you tried to get out of this living situation rut?
I've tried speed dating, asking girls out, going back to school, and meet up groups.
I also have a strange relationship with time. I am almost 29 and while it's felt like it took a long time to get here, I feel like I've lost a lot of time. Sometimes my day will feel slow and by the time I realize the day is still here, I will have lost many hours.
I meant the rut of your living situation, like where you live and steps to maybe at the very least move out of your moms house, and maybe eventually away from the bible belt. You're not going to get a girlfriend by sitting around moping and beating yourself up over not having one to the extreme of disregarding every other aspect of your life and only focusing on that single issue.
_________________
We won't go back.
28 Jul 2017, 10:41 am
Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I definitely don't enjoy my situation and I've tried to get out of my rut many times. I am not like the guys on the love-shy.com forum who just use it as a platform to express how they hate women but still want sex, women's rights, and how they want to move to the Bible Belt because it is supposedly an anti-feminist and anti-liberal utopia.
And what exactly have you tried to get out of this living situation rut?
I've tried speed dating, asking girls out, going back to school, and meet up groups.
I also have a strange relationship with time. I am almost 29 and while it's felt like it took a long time to get here, I feel like I've lost a lot of time. Sometimes my day will feel slow and by the time I realize the day is still here, I will have lost many hours.
I meant the rut of your living situation, like where you live and steps to maybe at the very least move out of your moms house, and maybe eventually away from the bible belt. You're not going to get a girlfriend by sitting around moping and beating yourself up over not having one to the extreme of disregarding every other aspect of your life and only focusing on that single issue.
I have financial issues due to only working part time; I actually get stunned reactions from others when they hear how long I've worked and it's only part time. I had a raise this week but it was a slap in the face because it was only 20 cents.
My mother has also been very resistant to me moving out. She freaks out whenever I try to bring it up, withholds my SSI, and thinks Aspergers is a life sentence of never being self-sufficient; she even said that loudly to my siblings. She thinks I might lose my job and maybe even die in the streets. I also think she's largely responsible for why I've never had a relationship except for my short lived one back in 2010. She didn't encourage me to develop myself as a person, kept me shut up in the house during summer time, discouraged me from making friends with "weird people", shamed me for having certain thoughts, and even told me "You don't need a girlfriend!" despite how she was constantly worrying about growing old without a husband. She's gone through four marriages in her life because of that. Oddly enough, she used to want to get me a vasectomy.
28 Jul 2017, 11:53 am
Marknis wrote:
A lot of my bullies would taunt me by telling me I was never going to get a girlfriend and was never going to get "laid". Even today I still get flashbacks of their taunts and insults. I really want to prove them wrong but so far I haven't been able to.
If I stopped thinking about dating, would this mean the bullies have won? I don't want them to celebrate but I hate how my efforts to get out of my rut have only lead to dead ends.
If I stopped thinking about dating, would this mean the bullies have won? I don't want them to celebrate but I hate how my efforts to get out of my rut have only lead to dead ends.
If the major reason you are trying to date is to prove them wrong, THAT'S when they've won.
When their words are directing your actions and beliefs, THAT'S when they're winning.
You KNOW your cousin is a sociopath. A real sleazebag of a human being. Not somebody you even want to be around, never mind someone you want to BE. So, there's no reason to base your thoughts and actions on insults from psychos like that. All you're doing when you let them drive you, is picking up their disease.
Take yourself out of their reach. If dating ain't working for you, don't date. If you want to meet people and make friends, work on that. Make your life, by yourself, the closest to what you want your life by yourself to be. Then if you find someone who wants to share it, great, you've found someone who likes YOU. And if you don't, oh well, you've made your life to suit yourself.
I realize it sounds pat and trite and like an inspirational meme. But-- I'll be 40 in six months. I've lived and had relationships and remade myself to suit people and been in and out of the crazy house and spent years in therapy. It's a cliche because it's TRUE.
_________________
"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"
AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
28 Jul 2017, 1:16 pm
Marknis wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I definitely don't enjoy my situation and I've tried to get out of my rut many times. I am not like the guys on the love-shy.com forum who just use it as a platform to express how they hate women but still want sex, women's rights, and how they want to move to the Bible Belt because it is supposedly an anti-feminist and anti-liberal utopia.
And what exactly have you tried to get out of this living situation rut?
I've tried speed dating, asking girls out, going back to school, and meet up groups.
I also have a strange relationship with time. I am almost 29 and while it's felt like it took a long time to get here, I feel like I've lost a lot of time. Sometimes my day will feel slow and by the time I realize the day is still here, I will have lost many hours.
I meant the rut of your living situation, like where you live and steps to maybe at the very least move out of your moms house, and maybe eventually away from the bible belt. You're not going to get a girlfriend by sitting around moping and beating yourself up over not having one to the extreme of disregarding every other aspect of your life and only focusing on that single issue.
I have financial issues due to only working part time; I actually get stunned reactions from others when they hear how long I've worked and it's only part time. I had a raise this week but it was a slap in the face because it was only 20 cents.
My mother has also been very resistant to me moving out. She freaks out whenever I try to bring it up, withholds my SSI, and thinks Aspergers is a life sentence of never being self-sufficient; she even said that loudly to my siblings. She thinks I might lose my job and maybe even die in the streets. I also think she's largely responsible for why I've never had a relationship except for my short lived one back in 2010. She didn't encourage me to develop myself as a person, kept me shut up in the house during summer time, discouraged me from making friends with "weird people", shamed me for having certain thoughts, and even told me "You don't need a girlfriend!" despite how she was constantly worrying about growing old without a husband. She's gone through four marriages in her life because of that. Oddly enough, she used to want to get me a vasectomy.
Ever considered that you might be a case of Munchausen by proxy?
28 Jul 2017, 1:29 pm
AngelRho wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I definitely don't enjoy my situation and I've tried to get out of my rut many times. I am not like the guys on the love-shy.com forum who just use it as a platform to express how they hate women but still want sex, women's rights, and how they want to move to the Bible Belt because it is supposedly an anti-feminist and anti-liberal utopia.
And what exactly have you tried to get out of this living situation rut?
I've tried speed dating, asking girls out, going back to school, and meet up groups.
I also have a strange relationship with time. I am almost 29 and while it's felt like it took a long time to get here, I feel like I've lost a lot of time. Sometimes my day will feel slow and by the time I realize the day is still here, I will have lost many hours.
I meant the rut of your living situation, like where you live and steps to maybe at the very least move out of your moms house, and maybe eventually away from the bible belt. You're not going to get a girlfriend by sitting around moping and beating yourself up over not having one to the extreme of disregarding every other aspect of your life and only focusing on that single issue.
I have financial issues due to only working part time; I actually get stunned reactions from others when they hear how long I've worked and it's only part time. I had a raise this week but it was a slap in the face because it was only 20 cents.
My mother has also been very resistant to me moving out. She freaks out whenever I try to bring it up, withholds my SSI, and thinks Aspergers is a life sentence of never being self-sufficient; she even said that loudly to my siblings. She thinks I might lose my job and maybe even die in the streets. I also think she's largely responsible for why I've never had a relationship except for my short lived one back in 2010. She didn't encourage me to develop myself as a person, kept me shut up in the house during summer time, discouraged me from making friends with "weird people", shamed me for having certain thoughts, and even told me "You don't need a girlfriend!" despite how she was constantly worrying about growing old without a husband. She's gone through four marriages in her life because of that. Oddly enough, she used to want to get me a vasectomy.
Ever considered that you might be a case of Munchausen by proxy?
Never heard that term until now. My parents are body doctors rather than mental health doctors.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,499
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
28 Jul 2017, 2:02 pm
Marknis wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I definitely don't enjoy my situation and I've tried to get out of my rut many times. I am not like the guys on the love-shy.com forum who just use it as a platform to express how they hate women but still want sex, women's rights, and how they want to move to the Bible Belt because it is supposedly an anti-feminist and anti-liberal utopia.
And what exactly have you tried to get out of this living situation rut?
I've tried speed dating, asking girls out, going back to school, and meet up groups.
I also have a strange relationship with time. I am almost 29 and while it's felt like it took a long time to get here, I feel like I've lost a lot of time. Sometimes my day will feel slow and by the time I realize the day is still here, I will have lost many hours.
I meant the rut of your living situation, like where you live and steps to maybe at the very least move out of your moms house, and maybe eventually away from the bible belt. You're not going to get a girlfriend by sitting around moping and beating yourself up over not having one to the extreme of disregarding every other aspect of your life and only focusing on that single issue.
I have financial issues due to only working part time; I actually get stunned reactions from others when they hear how long I've worked and it's only part time. I had a raise this week but it was a slap in the face because it was only 20 cents.
My mother has also been very resistant to me moving out. She freaks out whenever I try to bring it up, withholds my SSI, and thinks Aspergers is a life sentence of never being self-sufficient; she even said that loudly to my siblings. She thinks I might lose my job and maybe even die in the streets. I also think she's largely responsible for why I've never had a relationship except for my short lived one back in 2010. She didn't encourage me to develop myself as a person, kept me shut up in the house during summer time, discouraged me from making friends with "weird people", shamed me for having certain thoughts, and even told me "You don't need a girlfriend!" despite how she was constantly worrying about growing old without a husband. She's gone through four marriages in her life because of that. Oddly enough, she used to want to get me a vasectomy.
Well for your sake you need to look into it I think, there is even housing assistance for people on SSI. Also how does she withold your SSI is she your payee? If so you can certainly appeal to the SSI administration to change that so the money comes directly to you. Sure maybe she wont like it but its your life not hers....so you may need to take some actions to take life into your own hands.
Also tons of people have financial issues, doesn't mean you have to remain at home with an overbearing parent forever...
_________________
We won't go back.
AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
28 Jul 2017, 6:21 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I definitely don't enjoy my situation and I've tried to get out of my rut many times. I am not like the guys on the love-shy.com forum who just use it as a platform to express how they hate women but still want sex, women's rights, and how they want to move to the Bible Belt because it is supposedly an anti-feminist and anti-liberal utopia.
And what exactly have you tried to get out of this living situation rut?
I've tried speed dating, asking girls out, going back to school, and meet up groups.
I also have a strange relationship with time. I am almost 29 and while it's felt like it took a long time to get here, I feel like I've lost a lot of time. Sometimes my day will feel slow and by the time I realize the day is still here, I will have lost many hours.
I meant the rut of your living situation, like where you live and steps to maybe at the very least move out of your moms house, and maybe eventually away from the bible belt. You're not going to get a girlfriend by sitting around moping and beating yourself up over not having one to the extreme of disregarding every other aspect of your life and only focusing on that single issue.
I have financial issues due to only working part time; I actually get stunned reactions from others when they hear how long I've worked and it's only part time. I had a raise this week but it was a slap in the face because it was only 20 cents.
My mother has also been very resistant to me moving out. She freaks out whenever I try to bring it up, withholds my SSI, and thinks Aspergers is a life sentence of never being self-sufficient; she even said that loudly to my siblings. She thinks I might lose my job and maybe even die in the streets. I also think she's largely responsible for why I've never had a relationship except for my short lived one back in 2010. She didn't encourage me to develop myself as a person, kept me shut up in the house during summer time, discouraged me from making friends with "weird people", shamed me for having certain thoughts, and even told me "You don't need a girlfriend!" despite how she was constantly worrying about growing old without a husband. She's gone through four marriages in her life because of that. Oddly enough, she used to want to get me a vasectomy.
Well for your sake you need to look into it I think, there is even housing assistance for people on SSI. Also how does she withold your SSI is she your payee? If so you can certainly appeal to the SSI administration to change that so the money comes directly to you. Sure maybe she wont like it but its your life not hers....so you may need to take some actions to take life into your own hands.
Also tons of people have financial issues, doesn't mean you have to remain at home with an overbearing parent forever...
Unless...
Unless there's an actual reason for restricting his freedom. There was one guy on here not many weeks I told straight up to break up with his gf for that very reason.
I'm not making ANY negative assumptions about Marknis, for the record. I prefer to stand on your side with every comment I make. All I'm saying is SOME of us are incapable of handling independence and may legitimately need to stay out of dating and relationships. You need to understand IF THAT'S YOU there is absolutely no shame in that at all.
I'm not trying to be discouraging here. But being on SSI and depending on parents will make things extremely difficult. NOT impossible, just difficult. Fix that and you'll be open to more dating options. Sweetleaf has managed to break through that trap, so I imagine she knows what she's talking about.
30 Jul 2017, 12:30 am
Sweetleaf wrote:
Well for your sake you need to look into it I think, there is even housing assistance for people on SSI. Also how does she withold your SSI is she your payee? If so you can certainly appeal to the SSI administration to change that so the money comes directly to you. Sure maybe she wont like it but its your life not hers....so you may need to take some actions to take life into your own hands.
Also tons of people have financial issues, doesn't mean you have to remain at home with an overbearing parent forever...
Also tons of people have financial issues, doesn't mean you have to remain at home with an overbearing parent forever...
I am not sure. She may not tell me because she refuses to tell me other things if I ask. Even though I have my own bank account, she can monitor it and wouldn't let me view it myself until recently but it took a lot of headaches to do so.
She tends to catastrophize any thought I put towards moving out. She'll bring up all sorts of disaster scenarios to discourage me and she also tells me that more people are living with their parents due to the bad economy so that shouldn't be a problem in getting a girlfriend. What she doesn't get is that the women I talked to at the speed dating events I attended saw me still living with her as a deal breaker and women on dating sites expressed the same thing.
My mother also thinks condoms are pointless and thinks women should always be on the pill despite how my siblings got their girlfriends pregnant by not taking protection themselves and always expecting the girls to be on the pill. She also thinks women shouldn't learn self-defense and that men should always protect women from other men. She doesn't get that the outlook that women can't protect themselves is a self-fulfilling prophecy and you can't always rely on others to protect you.
AngelRho wrote:
Unless...
Unless there's an actual reason for restricting his freedom. There was one guy on here not many weeks I told straight up to break up with his gf for that very reason.
I'm not making ANY negative assumptions about Marknis, for the record. I prefer to stand on your side with every comment I make. All I'm saying is SOME of us are incapable of handling independence and may legitimately need to stay out of dating and relationships. You need to understand IF THAT'S YOU there is absolutely no shame in that at all.
I'm not trying to be discouraging here. But being on SSI and depending on parents will make things extremely difficult. NOT impossible, just difficult. Fix that and you'll be open to more dating options. Sweetleaf has managed to break through that trap, so I imagine she knows what she's talking about.
Unless there's an actual reason for restricting his freedom. There was one guy on here not many weeks I told straight up to break up with his gf for that very reason.
I'm not making ANY negative assumptions about Marknis, for the record. I prefer to stand on your side with every comment I make. All I'm saying is SOME of us are incapable of handling independence and may legitimately need to stay out of dating and relationships. You need to understand IF THAT'S YOU there is absolutely no shame in that at all.
I'm not trying to be discouraging here. But being on SSI and depending on parents will make things extremely difficult. NOT impossible, just difficult. Fix that and you'll be open to more dating options. Sweetleaf has managed to break through that trap, so I imagine she knows what she's talking about.
My mother is paranoid about me and is also a control freak. It's not that I can't be independent, it's that she stunts and stifles any progress towards it. I've been home alone and managed well; I actually felt at peace when it happened.
ZachGoodwin wrote:
Mark, let finding the girl of your dreams be a surprise.
But how long will that take to happen? I sometimes get fears that I'll either just have to date elderly geriatric women or wait until I am an old man. This is because I've had more elderly women than young women say I "look good" and my family associated with elderly women more than young ones. Not only do I not find elderly women attractive, I don't have any common interests with them.
30 Jul 2017, 2:46 am
I have dated a bit. I've had 2 relationships, none of which lasted more than two years. I have not had a girlfriend nor had sex in 3 years. Truthfully, I don't miss any of it at all. I firmly believe that people anguishing over not finding girlfriends have a case of the "grass is greener" mentality; either they obsess over the social expectation that they must have a girlfriend in their lives, else they are losers (which is what you're doing by using the bullies as proxies) or they obsess over the happy couples they see on Facebook/Instagram or on the street.
My advice to you, don't sweat it. Dating is a minefield. It is doubly so for an autist. We are gullible and it's real easy for us to stumble on someone who senses that and who will screw us over (I know that from experience and commiserating with a lot of people who were in similar circumstances). Even if there is no ill will, there are very few relationships these days that last - as the saying goes, she's not yours, it's just your turn. If you intend to marry, you have to consider the legal ramifications as well, which may leave you destitute upon the marriage's failure depending on the circumstances.
A more reliable path to happiness is to live this life you've got for you. Do what makes you happy; in a relationship the time you spend doing that would be severely curtailed. A relationship is a lot of compromise. It is drama and fights. While you are single you never have to compromise, you don't fight with yourself and the biggest drama in your life is what video game you will play today or work-related.
You probably think that a relationship would enhance your life. This is less often true than you'd think. There isn't much a woman can give you that can't be found in another form elsewhere, sometimes better, oftentimes cheaper. If I want social interaction, forums like these are sufficient. If I want emotional companionship or complicity, my dog is more loyal, funnier, more attentive and has a greater capacity for empathy than most humans I know. It is also much less demanding - all it wants is food, water, a place to sleep and lots of play. If I want sex, I jerk off. If I ever really want sex, I'll buy it. It's more honest and transparent, less of a headache and even arguably safer.
Finally, I want you to know, you're definitely not alone. You are a bit older than me, but a lot of guys around our ages are giving up on dating. Why? It's simply not worth it to wade through the minefield in order to find the nugget of gold. The odds against any of us finding lasting happiness in the dating arena are very low and if you asked people to gamble money on those same odds they'd tell you to take a hike. Lately there have been a lot of articles popping up on this phenomenon. You should look for and read some of them to gain perspective on the matter.
_________________
Dites-nous où c'est caché, ça doit faire au moins mille fois qu'on a bouffé nos doigts.
30 Jul 2017, 3:34 am
citoyenlambda wrote:
I have dated a bit. I've had 2 relationships, none of which lasted more than two years. I have not had a girlfriend nor had sex in 3 years. Truthfully, I don't miss any of it at all. I firmly believe that people anguishing over not finding girlfriends have a case of the "grass is greener" mentality; either they obsess over the social expectation that they must have a girlfriend in their lives, else they are losers (which is what you're doing by using the bullies as proxies) or they obsess over the happy couples they see on Facebook/Instagram or on the street.
My advice to you, don't sweat it. Dating is a minefield. It is doubly so for an autist. We are gullible and it's real easy for us to stumble on someone who senses that and who will screw us over (I know that from experience and commiserating with a lot of people who were in similar circumstances). Even if there is no ill will, there are very few relationships these days that last - as the saying goes, she's not yours, it's just your turn. If you intend to marry, you have to consider the legal ramifications as well, which may leave you destitute upon the marriage's failure depending on the circumstances.
A more reliable path to happiness is to live this life you've got for you. Do what makes you happy; in a relationship the time you spend doing that would be severely curtailed. A relationship is a lot of compromise. It is drama and fights. While you are single you never have to compromise, you don't fight with yourself and the biggest drama in your life is what video game you will play today or work-related.
You probably think that a relationship would enhance your life. This is less often true than you'd think. There isn't much a woman can give you that can't be found in another form elsewhere, sometimes better, oftentimes cheaper. If I want social interaction, forums like these are sufficient. If I want emotional companionship or complicity, my dog is more loyal, funnier, more attentive and has a greater capacity for empathy than most humans I know. It is also much less demanding - all it wants is food, water, a place to sleep and lots of play. If I want sex, I jerk off. If I ever really want sex, I'll buy it. It's more honest and transparent, less of a headache and even arguably safer.
Finally, I want you to know, you're definitely not alone. You are a bit older than me, but a lot of guys around our ages are giving up on dating. Why? It's simply not worth it to wade through the minefield in order to find the nugget of gold. The odds against any of us finding lasting happiness in the dating arena are very low and if you asked people to gamble money on those same odds they'd tell you to take a hike. Lately there have been a lot of articles popping up on this phenomenon. You should look for and read some of them to gain perspective on the matter.
My advice to you, don't sweat it. Dating is a minefield. It is doubly so for an autist. We are gullible and it's real easy for us to stumble on someone who senses that and who will screw us over (I know that from experience and commiserating with a lot of people who were in similar circumstances). Even if there is no ill will, there are very few relationships these days that last - as the saying goes, she's not yours, it's just your turn. If you intend to marry, you have to consider the legal ramifications as well, which may leave you destitute upon the marriage's failure depending on the circumstances.
A more reliable path to happiness is to live this life you've got for you. Do what makes you happy; in a relationship the time you spend doing that would be severely curtailed. A relationship is a lot of compromise. It is drama and fights. While you are single you never have to compromise, you don't fight with yourself and the biggest drama in your life is what video game you will play today or work-related.
You probably think that a relationship would enhance your life. This is less often true than you'd think. There isn't much a woman can give you that can't be found in another form elsewhere, sometimes better, oftentimes cheaper. If I want social interaction, forums like these are sufficient. If I want emotional companionship or complicity, my dog is more loyal, funnier, more attentive and has a greater capacity for empathy than most humans I know. It is also much less demanding - all it wants is food, water, a place to sleep and lots of play. If I want sex, I jerk off. If I ever really want sex, I'll buy it. It's more honest and transparent, less of a headache and even arguably safer.
Finally, I want you to know, you're definitely not alone. You are a bit older than me, but a lot of guys around our ages are giving up on dating. Why? It's simply not worth it to wade through the minefield in order to find the nugget of gold. The odds against any of us finding lasting happiness in the dating arena are very low and if you asked people to gamble money on those same odds they'd tell you to take a hike. Lately there have been a lot of articles popping up on this phenomenon. You should look for and read some of them to gain perspective on the matter.
Keep in mind a lot of people here who feel want a relationship don't have very many strong friendships either.
I do think it's possible to be satisfied with life if you have good friends, loving family, and work hard at your job and do the things you love to do, but if you don't have many strong friendships or family relations than it's next to impossible to be happy.
I do agree with everything else you've said and I'm working very hard to just live my life the way I want to and be happy, but since I don't have many friends and most of my family don't care about me at all it's very hard.
Humans are social creatures and we need somebody, anybody, in our life to love and support us.
I think at this point, Markinis, you should work on making friends.
Start small and just try and make a single male friend, and start spending more time with him and become closer until he's a very good/your best friend.
A friend might help keep you occupied for a while and all the fun times you have with him can stop you feeling depressed and thinking about how lonely you are.
Some of the best times in my life were when I had my two good friends before I had to move.
I still wanted a girlfriend and felt a little sad I didn't have one when I wasn't hanging out with them, but it was much less frequent and whenever I did spend time with my friends I felt very happy and didn't care about love at all.
30 Jul 2017, 12:07 pm
Outrider wrote:
citoyenlambda wrote:
I have dated a bit. I've had 2 relationships, none of which lasted more than two years. I have not had a girlfriend nor had sex in 3 years. Truthfully, I don't miss any of it at all. I firmly believe that people anguishing over not finding girlfriends have a case of the "grass is greener" mentality; either they obsess over the social expectation that they must have a girlfriend in their lives, else they are losers (which is what you're doing by using the bullies as proxies) or they obsess over the happy couples they see on Facebook/Instagram or on the street.
My advice to you, don't sweat it. Dating is a minefield. It is doubly so for an autist. We are gullible and it's real easy for us to stumble on someone who senses that and who will screw us over (I know that from experience and commiserating with a lot of people who were in similar circumstances). Even if there is no ill will, there are very few relationships these days that last - as the saying goes, she's not yours, it's just your turn. If you intend to marry, you have to consider the legal ramifications as well, which may leave you destitute upon the marriage's failure depending on the circumstances.
A more reliable path to happiness is to live this life you've got for you. Do what makes you happy; in a relationship the time you spend doing that would be severely curtailed. A relationship is a lot of compromise. It is drama and fights. While you are single you never have to compromise, you don't fight with yourself and the biggest drama in your life is what video game you will play today or work-related.
You probably think that a relationship would enhance your life. This is less often true than you'd think. There isn't much a woman can give you that can't be found in another form elsewhere, sometimes better, oftentimes cheaper. If I want social interaction, forums like these are sufficient. If I want emotional companionship or complicity, my dog is more loyal, funnier, more attentive and has a greater capacity for empathy than most humans I know. It is also much less demanding - all it wants is food, water, a place to sleep and lots of play. If I want sex, I jerk off. If I ever really want sex, I'll buy it. It's more honest and transparent, less of a headache and even arguably safer.
Finally, I want you to know, you're definitely not alone. You are a bit older than me, but a lot of guys around our ages are giving up on dating. Why? It's simply not worth it to wade through the minefield in order to find the nugget of gold. The odds against any of us finding lasting happiness in the dating arena are very low and if you asked people to gamble money on those same odds they'd tell you to take a hike. Lately there have been a lot of articles popping up on this phenomenon. You should look for and read some of them to gain perspective on the matter.
My advice to you, don't sweat it. Dating is a minefield. It is doubly so for an autist. We are gullible and it's real easy for us to stumble on someone who senses that and who will screw us over (I know that from experience and commiserating with a lot of people who were in similar circumstances). Even if there is no ill will, there are very few relationships these days that last - as the saying goes, she's not yours, it's just your turn. If you intend to marry, you have to consider the legal ramifications as well, which may leave you destitute upon the marriage's failure depending on the circumstances.
A more reliable path to happiness is to live this life you've got for you. Do what makes you happy; in a relationship the time you spend doing that would be severely curtailed. A relationship is a lot of compromise. It is drama and fights. While you are single you never have to compromise, you don't fight with yourself and the biggest drama in your life is what video game you will play today or work-related.
You probably think that a relationship would enhance your life. This is less often true than you'd think. There isn't much a woman can give you that can't be found in another form elsewhere, sometimes better, oftentimes cheaper. If I want social interaction, forums like these are sufficient. If I want emotional companionship or complicity, my dog is more loyal, funnier, more attentive and has a greater capacity for empathy than most humans I know. It is also much less demanding - all it wants is food, water, a place to sleep and lots of play. If I want sex, I jerk off. If I ever really want sex, I'll buy it. It's more honest and transparent, less of a headache and even arguably safer.
Finally, I want you to know, you're definitely not alone. You are a bit older than me, but a lot of guys around our ages are giving up on dating. Why? It's simply not worth it to wade through the minefield in order to find the nugget of gold. The odds against any of us finding lasting happiness in the dating arena are very low and if you asked people to gamble money on those same odds they'd tell you to take a hike. Lately there have been a lot of articles popping up on this phenomenon. You should look for and read some of them to gain perspective on the matter.
Keep in mind a lot of people here who feel want a relationship don't have very many strong friendships either.
I do think it's possible to be satisfied with life if you have good friends, loving family, and work hard at your job and do the things you love to do, but if you don't have many strong friendships or family relations than it's next to impossible to be happy.
I do agree with everything else you've said and I'm working very hard to just live my life the way I want to and be happy, but since I don't have many friends and most of my family don't care about me at all it's very hard.
Humans are social creatures and we need somebody, anybody, in our life to love and support us.
I respectfully disagree. I have no close friendships or familial relationships either. I believe it is perfectly possible to live a life alone that is nevertheless fulfilling and enjoyable. When I was in my early 20s I felt much the same, but as I gradually disconnected from the people I knew I found that it was much easier than I believed it was to go without attachments. In many ways I felt relieved of a burden, of responsibilities towards others I did not want. However, that may just be me and my specific personality.
_________________
Dites-nous où c'est caché, ça doit faire au moins mille fois qu'on a bouffé nos doigts.
AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
30 Jul 2017, 1:26 pm
citoyenlambda wrote:
Outrider wrote:
citoyenlambda wrote:
I have dated a bit. I've had 2 relationships, none of which lasted more than two years. I have not had a girlfriend nor had sex in 3 years. Truthfully, I don't miss any of it at all. I firmly believe that people anguishing over not finding girlfriends have a case of the "grass is greener" mentality; either they obsess over the social expectation that they must have a girlfriend in their lives, else they are losers (which is what you're doing by using the bullies as proxies) or they obsess over the happy couples they see on Facebook/Instagram or on the street.
My advice to you, don't sweat it. Dating is a minefield. It is doubly so for an autist. We are gullible and it's real easy for us to stumble on someone who senses that and who will screw us over (I know that from experience and commiserating with a lot of people who were in similar circumstances). Even if there is no ill will, there are very few relationships these days that last - as the saying goes, she's not yours, it's just your turn. If you intend to marry, you have to consider the legal ramifications as well, which may leave you destitute upon the marriage's failure depending on the circumstances.
A more reliable path to happiness is to live this life you've got for you. Do what makes you happy; in a relationship the time you spend doing that would be severely curtailed. A relationship is a lot of compromise. It is drama and fights. While you are single you never have to compromise, you don't fight with yourself and the biggest drama in your life is what video game you will play today or work-related.
You probably think that a relationship would enhance your life. This is less often true than you'd think. There isn't much a woman can give you that can't be found in another form elsewhere, sometimes better, oftentimes cheaper. If I want social interaction, forums like these are sufficient. If I want emotional companionship or complicity, my dog is more loyal, funnier, more attentive and has a greater capacity for empathy than most humans I know. It is also much less demanding - all it wants is food, water, a place to sleep and lots of play. If I want sex, I jerk off. If I ever really want sex, I'll buy it. It's more honest and transparent, less of a headache and even arguably safer.
Finally, I want you to know, you're definitely not alone. You are a bit older than me, but a lot of guys around our ages are giving up on dating. Why? It's simply not worth it to wade through the minefield in order to find the nugget of gold. The odds against any of us finding lasting happiness in the dating arena are very low and if you asked people to gamble money on those same odds they'd tell you to take a hike. Lately there have been a lot of articles popping up on this phenomenon. You should look for and read some of them to gain perspective on the matter.
My advice to you, don't sweat it. Dating is a minefield. It is doubly so for an autist. We are gullible and it's real easy for us to stumble on someone who senses that and who will screw us over (I know that from experience and commiserating with a lot of people who were in similar circumstances). Even if there is no ill will, there are very few relationships these days that last - as the saying goes, she's not yours, it's just your turn. If you intend to marry, you have to consider the legal ramifications as well, which may leave you destitute upon the marriage's failure depending on the circumstances.
A more reliable path to happiness is to live this life you've got for you. Do what makes you happy; in a relationship the time you spend doing that would be severely curtailed. A relationship is a lot of compromise. It is drama and fights. While you are single you never have to compromise, you don't fight with yourself and the biggest drama in your life is what video game you will play today or work-related.
You probably think that a relationship would enhance your life. This is less often true than you'd think. There isn't much a woman can give you that can't be found in another form elsewhere, sometimes better, oftentimes cheaper. If I want social interaction, forums like these are sufficient. If I want emotional companionship or complicity, my dog is more loyal, funnier, more attentive and has a greater capacity for empathy than most humans I know. It is also much less demanding - all it wants is food, water, a place to sleep and lots of play. If I want sex, I jerk off. If I ever really want sex, I'll buy it. It's more honest and transparent, less of a headache and even arguably safer.
Finally, I want you to know, you're definitely not alone. You are a bit older than me, but a lot of guys around our ages are giving up on dating. Why? It's simply not worth it to wade through the minefield in order to find the nugget of gold. The odds against any of us finding lasting happiness in the dating arena are very low and if you asked people to gamble money on those same odds they'd tell you to take a hike. Lately there have been a lot of articles popping up on this phenomenon. You should look for and read some of them to gain perspective on the matter.
Keep in mind a lot of people here who feel want a relationship don't have very many strong friendships either.
I do think it's possible to be satisfied with life if you have good friends, loving family, and work hard at your job and do the things you love to do, but if you don't have many strong friendships or family relations than it's next to impossible to be happy.
I do agree with everything else you've said and I'm working very hard to just live my life the way I want to and be happy, but since I don't have many friends and most of my family don't care about me at all it's very hard.
Humans are social creatures and we need somebody, anybody, in our life to love and support us.
I respectfully disagree. I have no close friendships or familial relationships either. I believe it is perfectly possible to live a life alone that is nevertheless fulfilling and enjoyable. When I was in my early 20s I felt much the same, but as I gradually disconnected from the people I knew I found that it was much easier than I believed it was to go without attachments. In many ways I felt relieved of a burden, of responsibilities towards others I did not want. However, that may just be me and my specific personality.
It is possible to survive alone. But it is very difficult. The hardest part is isolating yourself from all of humanity.
So for most people, there's no true solitude. Only degrees of solitude. Within those degrees are levels at which people help you survive. Whether you like it or not, you WILL serve someone.
Suppose you're on welfare. Whatever reason, it doesn't matter, and this isn't a hate government post. EVERYONE in the community is paying the government to assist you. Without the taxpayers, you won't survive long. You need food, so you go to the grocery store to stock up. Now your government money just went back to the cattle and dairy farmers, the grain and produce growers, and the thousands of hands those items passed through to make it. The government isn't just supporting you, but also those who indirectly support you as well, even the local community through the store employees who in turn purchase goods and services from other retailers.
We're all connected. We all need each other.
The level on which we depend on others depends on what and how much we seek to accomplish. To do big things, you need more people.
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