Prefer being single to being in a relationship?

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BioLife
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30 Aug 2017, 5:43 pm

I'm 29 and have dated a lot over the last ten years, mainly in the last 4 years. Most of dating has been either just first dates or dating for a few weeks to maybe 2 months before realizing it wasn't going to work for whatever reason. I have had a few relationships lasting more than six months, however. Usually what happens is the girl I'm dating develops very strong and intense feelings for me very early in the relationship, like within the first 3-6 weeks of dating, which I think is crazy (irrational might be a more PC term). They think they're in love with me before they even really know me. Anyway, these feelings are never reciprocated by me. Even if I like the girl, I very very rarely feel strongly about her, and I usually feel like either I don't want to see her anywhere near as often as she wants, or even if it's good I end up feeling like I'd be happier being single, and this is when the girl is good and everything is going well! I just don't really have that NEED for relationships like pretty much all NTs. I have a lot of other stuff in the my life that I enjoy as well as good friends to share things with. Relationships feel stifling to me, sometimes even suffocating.

I'm wondering if this is an aspie thing or just a me thing. Also, there's still a lot of time to come around and find a partner as I'm only 29, but at this point in life I don't really think marriage is in the cards for me. I am too introverted and value my freedom too much. Not sure if that bodes well for the future though. Anyone here middle-aged or older and single, never-married? Do you wish things were different?



emmasma
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30 Aug 2017, 8:08 pm

I divorced 6 years ago after an 8 year marriage and got immediately into another 5 year relationship. I am single for a year now and can't imagine having to deal with another person again any time soon. I do miss having someone to talk to (and sex), but I am I'm sure if it would be worth it to get into a serious relationship. I very much enjoy my alone time and being myself.
I will say that the 2nd was better. She was the first aspie I was with and it was a much better experience than my previous dating experiences or my marriage.



emmasma
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30 Aug 2017, 8:43 pm

BioLife wrote:
Usually what happens is the girl I'm dating develops very strong and intense feelings for me very early in the relationship, like within the first 3-6 weeks of dating, which I think is crazy (irrational might be a more PC term). They think they're in love with me before they even really know me.


Its normal to have very strong feelings for someone in a new relationship, much less than 3 weeks. It's after that first few weeks that things cool down and reality sets in. It might be even more true because you a guy. Girls are very often the ones pushing to make the relationships more serious, and guys quite often are not on the same level. Think of any TV show you have seen with the girlfriend wanting to get married and the guy hanging back. It's a stereotype, but it happens alot in real life too, it's normal. I think for aspies this is even more exasperating though. I got into many relationships while I was dating where I just didn't feel that strongly for the other person and they seemed alot more emotionally invested.



Tross
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31 Aug 2017, 2:25 am

If there's one thing I've learned from being in a relationship it's that I don't want to be tied down or be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. It's not so much that I prefer to be single as I'd rather be single than be in a relationship that doesn't make me happy. If I can find someone who does make me happy and allows me to keep being myself, then maybe I would prefer that, but I'm not willing to settle for anything less. Besides, I think I've finally figured out what my purpose in life is, and rather than trying to go out of my way to meet someone like I've been trying to do (online dating hasn't really panned out for me), I'm starting to think I should continue down the path that gives me meaning and if I happen to meet someone along the way that I can share my life's journey with then great; if not, then c'est la vie.

Besides, even the best relationships are about compromise, and they take up so much time. If I want to spend my days off binging on videogames then I can, because I'm single. My ex would have minded if I spent an entire weekend at a con rather than spending Saturday with her, even if I spent the next weekend with her. It's no mystery why she's my ex. She also wouldn't have liked that I've been dedicating more and more time to my career, even though I find it meaningful and enjoy it a great deal (not to mention it's how I make my money).

IMHO, no one should be tied down just to fulfill some empty biological need to reproduce and add to the ranks of a species that our planet is better off without (and this is coming from a member of said species). If I am to settle down and start a family it will be with someone who's in harmony with the life I've chosen. I don't need another person to complete me. If I meet someone who makes my life even better and helps me move forward rather than holding me back then I'd like to play house with her and have a nuclear family. Otherwise, I'm better off flying solo. I have lots of great friends and family anyways, so it's not like I need a relationship to avoid feeling lonely.



wanderlust77
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31 Aug 2017, 10:32 am

My perfect relationship would be like meeting 1-2 times a week, spending some quality time together and then go home and enjoy other things I like doing. I definitely don't need good morning and good night texts every day, it would drive me nuts and also if he forgot to send me one one day I would be upset that what's going on, why is he ignoring me today?
I don't see the point of marriage either and I would not want to move in with somebody unless we have separate bedrooms and he understand that there are days I just want to be left alone.
It's good to have somebody to love but that person has to be on the same wavelength and accept my desire for freedom.



SZWell
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31 Aug 2017, 10:49 am

wanderlust77 wrote:
My perfect relationship would be like meeting 1-2 times a week, spending some quality time together and then go home and enjoy other things I like doing. I definitely don't need good morning and good night texts every day, it would drive me nuts and also if he forgot to send me one one day I would be upset that what's going on, why is he ignoring me today?
I don't see the point of marriage either and I would not want to move in with somebody unless we have separate bedrooms and he understand that there are days I just want to be left alone.
It's good to have somebody to love but that person has to be on the same wavelength and accept my desire for freedom.


I'm with it but only 1-2 times a week seems harsh


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wanderlust77
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31 Aug 2017, 11:18 am

SZWell wrote:

I'm with it but only 1-2 times a week seems harsh

3 times a week is every second day basically.



that1weirdgrrrl
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31 Aug 2017, 1:25 pm

wanderlust77 wrote:
SZWell wrote:

I'm with it but only 1-2 times a week seems harsh

3 times a week is every second day basically.


I would say no less than once a week... But in a long distance (more than 2 hours one way) every day would be beyond exhausting.



SZWell
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31 Aug 2017, 7:52 pm

wanderlust77 wrote:
SZWell wrote:

I'm with it but only 1-2 times a week seems harsh

3 times a week is every second day basically.


Makes sense, 3 days would be my cut off tho


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Social_Fantom
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01 Sep 2017, 3:01 am

At this point of my life, yes I do prefer to be single. I can live without a romantic relationship and plus I barely have the time or day or money for one at the moment, so I'm not an ideal mate. Plus I have too many people relying on me


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whatamievendoing
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01 Sep 2017, 4:30 am

BioLife wrote:
Usually what happens is the girl I'm dating develops very strong and intense feelings for me very early in the relationship, like within the first 3-6 weeks of dating, which I think is crazy (irrational might be a more PC term).


That's actually a pretty normal timeframe, according to my own observations.

Either way, I'm on the fence about the subject. Not to say I don't enjoy single life, but I do occasionally wish I could share my favorite moments of it with someone. And to be honest, at the age of 23, the thought of lacking any dating/relationship experience whatsoever isn't a particularly comforting one.


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hale_bopp
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06 Oct 2017, 5:19 am

I feel the same. But I think it's less about being an aspie and more about the type of person you are. Even as a small child I was extremely independent. I would go shopping on my own at 7 years old when most kids would go with their mothers.



The_Face_of_Boo
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06 Oct 2017, 5:32 am

hale_bopp seems to be compensating her absence.

That or she is bored to death today.



Embla
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06 Oct 2017, 5:50 am

In reality I prefer being single, but I am in a relationship. Even though I have a huge need for alone-time, this is the first time I've actually enjoyed spending a lot of time with someone. He's also the only person that I really enjoy touching.
The unfortunate thing is, that he doesn't.
I've been so confused trying to find info on NT/AS relationships, because all I find is articles saying that the AS-partner might be more reserved, less interested in touching and displaying affection, while the NT partner might have difficulties with feeling unloved. The problem is that I am the AS one, and I'm the one frustrated over the lack of affection from his side.
My previous relationships have been the other way around, where I'm the "cold" one.
I realized recently that in the current case, my need for affection/affirmation from his side comes from an obsession of mine. I didn't get it for a long time, but I understand now that I have an obsession with him. After two years, I still have a strong urge to touch him whenever I see him. Which is pretty much every second of every day.
It's a lot more frustrating to him than it is for me.



rdos
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06 Oct 2017, 9:28 am

BioLife wrote:
I'm 29 and have dated a lot over the last ten years, mainly in the last 4 years. Most of dating has been either just first dates or dating for a few weeks to maybe 2 months before realizing it wasn't going to work for whatever reason. I have had a few relationships lasting more than six months, however. Usually what happens is the girl I'm dating develops very strong and intense feelings for me very early in the relationship, like within the first 3-6 weeks of dating, which I think is crazy (irrational might be a more PC term). They think they're in love with me before they even really know me. Anyway, these feelings are never reciprocated by me. Even if I like the girl, I very very rarely feel strongly about her, and I usually feel like either I don't want to see her anywhere near as often as she wants, or even if it's good I end up feeling like I'd be happier being single, and this is when the girl is good and everything is going well! I just don't really have that NEED for relationships like pretty much all NTs. I have a lot of other stuff in the my life that I enjoy as well as good friends to share things with. Relationships feel stifling to me, sometimes even suffocating.

I'm wondering if this is an aspie thing or just a me thing. Also, there's still a lot of time to come around and find a partner as I'm only 29, but at this point in life I don't really think marriage is in the cards for me. I am too introverted and value my freedom too much. Not sure if that bodes well for the future though. Anyone here middle-aged or older and single, never-married? Do you wish things were different?


No, I don't find it plausible that NDs or Aspies (not even diagnosed AS) would be happier being single. The real issues are that many NDs would need more alone time, and things like that, but that doesn't mean they prefer being single.