BPD & HFA :(

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Hey,

I am new to the group, I suffer from BDP (I don't like to consider myself neurotypical really) and I am in a very strange situation with respect to a man I have been seeing who has aspergers. I am quite embarrassed writing this because it is such a ridiculous situation but I'm really upset so if someone could read this and help me out at all I would really appreciate it. I kind of need to give the whole silly story to explain the point I am at so I apologise for this and THANK YOU if you take the time to read it all

I have been friend's with my neighbour's son Steph for 10 years. We had never been besties or anything but we would get together from time to time for a laugh and I was always there if he needed my help. About a year ago his cousin, David, moved into his flat as he lost his own flat. We all have mutual friends so we would bump into each other and we got talking. We added each other on FaceBook and we got on like a house on fire. He was very open minded and I loved how passionate about his special interests he was (we are both 27). Geeky people are like my version of Brad Pitt lol.

We were speaking every day and when I was talking about my favourite nightclub one night he said "lets go together for a laugh!". I thought why not? We arranged the night and I just seen it as us going as friends. We were having such a GREAT night and I was loving being able to be openly weird with someone, as I'm quite weird, BPD n all We ended up kissing and ever since then we had been really close. He has all the aspie traits but I know a lot about aspergers, only thing is is I don't think he was ever given any help towards his aspergers or how it can affect him, but I see it all and it's a shame how he struggles with things but doesn't realise why.

A while into this time my mate Steph started being quite off with me, being very cold. SO when David would invite me over to his flat I would say no because I felt I was somehow disrespecting Steph. David kept trying to assure me that Steph was OK with it and didn't mind us hanging out. Steph even said to me once that he didn't mind, but my intuition told me otherwise so I kept to only seeing David in other places. He can be awkward in person but as soon as I make the first move to hug or kiss he can't get enough affection, it's like he craves it.

Unfortunately last week I got a tonne of abusive Facebook messages from Steph saying I'm a liar and I slept with David in his bed. (I have been staying with my mum since I got out of hospital earlier in the year where I don't always get a bed to sleep on so Steph said I could use his bed when he isn't at home). One night I had taken his offer but me and David ended up up all night listening to music until he had to go to work. He went to work and I went to sleep in Steph's bed. When David got back I put something on my laptop for him to watch and he fell asleep on the bed. He had gotten all sweaty when he was sleeping and as I was leaving to go home I woke him and we sorted Steph's room. David had literally only been in the room for an hour or so then back through to his space in the livingroom. We did not have sex, and have not had sex at all this whole time. But I was getting completely slut shamed by Steph for "sleeping with David" in his bed. Tried to explain to him that this did not happen but he said I was in denial. Then in a very snidey move he said that David had "admitted" to sleeping with me. By this point my BPD had let loose and I blocked them both on Facebook. I had wrote to David that "I don't know what to believe but if you have been saying these things then please never talk to me again".

It didn't take me long to realise that Steph was lying about David's "confession". David is very straight talking whereas Steph is very immature, jealous and angry at best of times. I unblocked David and apologised saying I jumped the gun at Steph's horrible abuse. I didn't hear from either of them for 2 days so I got worried. David would have been waking up for work to find the message from me and that I'd blocked him, and his cousin would have gotten home still drunk.

It turns out that David got woke up by Steph giving him HORRENDOUS abuse about me and him seeing each other. I had texted David and he replied being very blunt. Saying he likes me but from what Steph said he is not happy with the situation. He couldn't tell me what Steph had actually said to him because I'm guessing he just couldn't take it in with all the shock and stimuli being thrown at him. Steph doesn't consider David to have aspergers. David basically told me in his own words he was going into shutdown mode because he couldn't think about his feelings or understand them at that moment. This was on Wednesday and I've still not heard back from him.

I'm really sad about this. I was very unwell for the whole of last year and wound up in the psychiatric hospital for ten weeks at the beginning of this year. That first night out I had with David was the best time I've had since I can remember. We both seemed to be over the moon with being able to be around someone we can be openly weird with. And I actually take a genuine interest in his special interests and would get involved where I could. I don't know what the hell Steph has said to David in his rage, or how he has been with David over the time since it happened. But I do know David can be very submissive towards Steph as he is basically homeless despite Steph's couch. I believe his living situation and quality of life at the moment is down to the aspergers and never having and help with it. He didn't have a good upbringing at all. I see so much potential in him and we have laughed at how I would love to help him and "whip him into shape". I know I can't fix anyone, but I know having someone genuinely care about you, even as a friend, can make a difference. And, again, even as a friend, I feel he could be a good person to have in my life too. But, yeah, there was a lot of passion between us.

Now I just don't know what to do. I didn't send him any messages for a couple days and today I sent a text letting him know I'm not angry and asking something about a plan with one of his interests we had made.

If someone could give me some advice on what is going on here, please be kind, I am very sensitive but I do also want a truthful answer. I guess this is a situation where I ask for the kind of compassion I always offer others. I hate how Steph is acting like he has some sort of ownership over me and is potentially controlling our relationship through emotional blackmail. Should I expect David to just never talk to me again? We were like two lost souls finding solace in each other's weirdness. And I miss it already What can I do?

I have four things to say.

1. I don't think someone with AS or ASD/HFA, and someone with BPD are a good match. I think people with BPD need very emotionally intuitive people with high social "IQs". That's not to say you cannot have a good time with someone on the spectrum, but I don't think they will be able to meet your emotional needs and I don't think you will be able to cope with that in a way that doesn't manifest as abusive to the person with AS, whether you intend it or not. There are better matches in the world for you.

2. Steph is not your boyfriend and has no right to have any say over your romantic life.

3. If David is the recipient of Steph's generosity, you should not do anything to disturb that situation.

4. In fact, this is an inherently unstable social situation and I think you should walk away from it. Your life will be easier as will theirs.