Can this be considered as an abusive relationship?

Post Reply New Topic

Hi guys. So I've been with Dylan for 3 years almost now and what I've noticed is that unlike my other relationships, we'll both have arguments that lead me to have 3-4 meltdowns over a several hour argument (sometime 4-5 hours). It's gotten to the point that I have so many meltdowns that I start to disassociate and get weirded out by where I am like I don't recognize my life or surroundings.

Now it should be said that this is just as much my fault because I try too hard to understand this person (because it's so important to me) and we both seem to like to argue until we're blue in the face but should that really mean that I'm having this many meltdowns? I know I am really dense sometimes, stubborn to a fault and my memory can be s**t sometimes. But I'd like a relationship where me having a meltdown is shocking and makes us put an argument on hold because clearly I'm not getting it, and it's not a huge ordeal. I'd like the meltdown to be worse than having an argument.

Our most recent argument happened because I asked for a list of things I could do for him (currently out of work and pursuing SSDI which he volunteered to help me do.). I get more anxious when I have to spend so much time at the house while he supports me which is hard because I've always been more of the helper rather than the helpee. I just wanted to see a piece of paper on the mirror with a few things on it that I could feasably do to feel like I can still contribute something to make his day easier.

He misunderstood what I was saying and blew up because he has been struggling with asking me for the same handful of things for the last three years (ex: not cutting him off when he speaks, sending him texts in smaller bites rather than all at once, not writing things down, remembering things more often, not speaking too loud, not pressure washing him with information when he first gets home, understanding conceptual or general conversations, little things) and he thought I was implying that it all needed to be written down for me to remember his needs.

He then blew up further because if that was the case I should've known to write it down myself, after all why should it be his fault/responsibility? By the point that I collected all the reasons why he was outraged by something I considered thoughtful I was too much of a mess to write anything. He set an alarm and told me that I had 30 seconds to be quiet while he told me what to write and I couldn't do it I just sobbed the whole time.


TLDR;
So here I am the next morning with bruises and swelling all over my face and rug burn on my elbows from myself, from my multiple meltdowns and sobbing and I'm wondering if someone can and will push me hard enough to have multiple meltdowns. Is instigating multiple meltdowns (where its known that I self injure) is that a form of a abuse?

No it cannot.

Honestly, I think you have a childish attitude.

Not unless the things that cause the meltdown themselves are abusive.


Self-harm as a means to deal with arguments is toxic for a relationship. It forces people to either stop caring about you and sever any emotional bond they may have with you or to never be allowed to be themselves and relax around you.

On the other hand your post seems like he is impatient and may have anger issues. So, maybe he is abusive. Your relationship does not sound healthy. It's difficult to tell from your post whose fault that is or if you're just two people with incompatible issues.

Agree. Sounds mutually abusive. Neither one of you demonstrates healthy boundaries. I’ve found the meetings of Codependents Anonymous a helpful tool in examining the unhealthy patterns of dysfunctional relationships. Good luck to you.

It might be helpful to me if you specified why you think that.

Sorry, I might have been a bit too harsh.

I was just putting myself in your boyfriends shoes. If I paid all your bills, I would get angry too if you wanted me to tell you what to do the moment I came home from work. If you want to contribute, you should find out how to do that yourself, that shouldn't be your boyfriends responsibility. I bet your boyfriend doesn't ask you if he should go to work and pay the bills, he just does it.

Here's the thing, you probably want to contribute because you're grateful for what he does. But your approach comes across as the opposite(to me atleast). The way I think is this: A person who really cared about me, would find a way to play her part on her own, we should both take an equal share of responsibility because that's how cooperation works, it shouldn't be my second job to figure out what your job is.

I don’t see it as un reasonable to sit down together and come up with a list for her of choors. Timing would be needed, like when he’s free and relaxed not before or after work. Many people benifit from to do lists.

It just sounds like problems communicating.

I would definitely recommend therapy for the self harm issue. This is something you should work on regardless.

For communication problems, there are books about this. Couples therapy could also help if he is willing to go with you.

This doesn't sound like an abusive relationship. But I don't think that's really the point. The real question is do you want to fix the relationship or leave it?

Not abusive. TOOOOOOOOXIC, though.

You’ve been together 3 years? Living together, I’m guessing, and not married? What’s the holdup?

Therapy defo would do you good. If the relationship isn’t moving forward and arguments are routine, you need to figure out how to address it or you need to move on.

He seems pretty anal. Sometimes you can't help cutting people off, it's often hard to try and enter a conversation. It's a bit of a petty request.

He seems extremely anal and not someone I would want much to do with. It's up to you though, if you don't like him, leave him. I would, it doesn't sound like you're compatible at all.

Petty and wanky men need someone who can keep them in check. You clearly can't, I would suggest trying to find someone more supportive (Like Sly).

QFT. This is wise. Do this.

He does have a background where the person who won the argument was simply just the person who could argue the longest untill the other became exhausted and gave up.

We have a counsellor who specializes in autism so I'm thinking to arrange a session specifically about communication.

But to be clear
1. He doesn't pay all the bills my father pays my portion of the rent and my partner uses my financial savy to create budgets and savings accounts that otherwise wouldn't exist for himself. So I'm not completely useless.
2. We have allot of chemistry but we're both equally hard headed people and my autism makes it painful because I sometimes latch onto the wrong subjects and ask for the wrong things (unknowingly)
3. This person chose to pursue my disability claim with me as a couple after I repeatedly tried to very soberly explain what that means financially and the stress that accompanies (not my first time applying)
4. This person excasberatates my own poor communication which implies that I also have a problem
5. I am compulsive and desperate when it comes to understanding important people to me. So codependency is clearly an issue I need to address because I don't demand time for myself to recollect.

As a side note, is it really unushual for an adult with ASD to hit themselves during a meltdown? Granted it only happens during my most intense meltdowns (like y'know after I've already had one), but should I have grown out of this as an adult? Mostly it feels like my brain is a machine that isn't working so I get so frustrated that I hit my head over and over. It really hurts the next day.

So I've just had the idea to pass along some of the things that he takes issue with and needs me to actively find solutions for rather than just apologize both sincerely and profusely. Keep in mind that I am not only comprised of some of the most annoying behaviors ever. Inspite of what written below many of my ex partners still remember me as a good partner. I struggle allot with which of these demands and irritations I should take to heart or flip the finger to and the danger of making the wrong move keeps me mostly silent.

- Chatterboxing to myself (when I'm overwhelmed or bored, its just a way I center myself) I totally get that it drives him insane but if he says he can't tune me out is that my problem? I'm just talking to myself.

- Constantly verbally checking to see if I've been heard or understood.

- Tone policing (which sounds pretty annoying) but at the time shouldn't he try to make an effort to stay calm in his voice? I hear the tone more than the words ushually. Somebody can't genuinely be concerned about you if they sound inconvenienced or frustrated

- typing text messages like word bubbles rather than a single intact message

- interrupting him every two seconds because I have a racing mind that doesn't understand when he's done talking or if it's safe to cut in if he hasn't finished a thought. Ive suggested using hand gestures to signal if someone is still talking or not but that idea frustrates him. At the same time I have ADHD and my partner is notorious for dragging things out and using more words than the average person and I talk like a cave man because I trust it more.

- leaving the house. He doesn't really understand my limitations so it makes sense for him to push me at the wrong times just because he doesn't want to enable me to stay at home all the time. For instance I recently ended up forcing myself to go to a family gathering at his request and had an outburst for all the same reasons I had predicted and I ended up busing for 2 hours to get back home after only just 10 minutes of being there.

- I focus too much on the intentions I put into things and not enough on the results. Trying really hard or my best doesn't excuse that I did something wrong and that it still happened. I really struggle with that one.

- I let my optimism distract from what's actually happening. My counsellor thinks it's healthy but he operates differently

- I control the conversation by asking for concessions or help on his part rather than just fixing the problem myself. (Much like using a hand gestures so that he can signal to me that I cannot speak because he is still speaking)

- That he doesn't really feel like he can get mad at me for my poor memory (like goldfish poor) because stress and berating only makes my memory worse.

- that I ask for "platitudes" when I'm having allot of anxiety or having meltdowns where everything is spinning. He doesn't feel comfortable telling me that everything will be okay (he has a moral aversion to it and refuses to do so even though my experience ushually gets worse and spirals further out of controll)

Just leave him. Sounds like he has severe problems himself and doesnt sound like he has any empathy for your struggles. Having walked on eggshells with anal and controlling men, I have the upmost empathy for what you’re going through, but I honestly think you’d be better without him. When you meet someone caring and understanding, you’ll wonder what you saw in him.

You’re not suited. At all. You may have sexual chemistry but that doesn’t mean squat in the long run. Get out. Please. For your own mental health and sanity.