Dating an Aspie HELP

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I’m a gay neurotypical male who is trying to better understand my boyfriend. We’ve known each other for over 2 years as friends and coworkers. He’s a wonderful man. About a year ago he came out to me as bisexual and I was so excited because I have had a crush on him since we met. I told him and he had feelings for me too so we went out on a date. I took him to Dave and busters midday so that it was empty then to a quiet restaurant during off peak hours because I know he has social anxiety. I thought things went great we had amazing conversation and when I dropped him off he told me he wanted to have sex with me. I told him no because it was our first date and then he stopped talking to me. It has been almost a year and a few weeks ago I messaged him. He responded and apologized for ignoring me and then we discussed being boyfriends. I’m still not sure if we are boyfriends because I never got a direct response, but I consider us as such and am focused solely on him. I just want to know more about aspergers so I can better understand him and how to love him in a way he’ll understand and also how to recognize signs that he cares about me too. If anyone has any advice I’d appreciate it because I really like this wonderful man.

Assuming things generally doesn't seem like a good idea. Maybe just explain to him that you weren't clear on where you guys stand and ask him again?

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I agree with Hopelessly3. Ambiguity, especially about social boundaries, is one of the things that people with AS can find difficult, and it can make us anxious in a way that hampers our ability to communicate sometimes. I would also be honest with him that you are doing a bit of research here (or elsewhere), as he might otherwise take it as a lack of trust should he discover it - this is one of the most well known and popular ASD forums, so there is always a chance that he is a citizen of the Wrong Planet himself and could deduce that he is being spoken about.

Hopelessly3 you’re right I shouldn’t make assumptions I don’t want to do anything to flair up his anxiety just because I’m excited to finally have this chance with him. Trogluddite I did mention in a text that I’ve been trying to do research. I am still very uncertain on behaviors of mine that may make him anxious is there any way for me to recognize things he may be uncomfortable with? I can physically see certain reactions like to lots of noise or flashing lights. I’m also trying to be supportive without making him feel alienated or different I feel he truly deserves the same treatment any neurotypical person gets and I feel like it’s a really fine line between being compassionate and for lack of a better word condescending.

He seems like a jerk who was only interested in you cuz he was wanting sex

Nick007 I thought the same thing at first, but then I started wondering if sex was the way other people showed him to care and by me rejecting it maybe he saw it as me rejecting him. I should’ve been clear that I liked him, but wanted to wait for sex. He’s definitely very complex in his feelings and because he’s so quiet I can’t often get a read on it.

If he's young he might not understand these things very well. I'm not at all certain he's a jerk with so little information. Your analysis could just as well be correct.

Why don't you try talking to him, telling him how you feel and being completely honest. Sometimes people who are not autistic think they are being very straightforward, yet expect the autistic person to understand things that are unsaid - be very vigilant about this. Ask him what his interpretation of events was.

Either way, I think you guys can both learn something from this. You might not end up together, but you might have a better understanding of each other. It's definitely worth a try. It requires a bit of bravery on your part, though, because hints and subtle communication won't work - you'll have to jump into this conversation.

I think the only way you'll find out where you stand with this is if you just put it all on the table; black and white.

His interpretation of how relationships work might not be mature enough yet.
Maybe this is something that can be helped with conversation.

Underwater you’re right, it would be easy for me to think I’m being clear because the subtleties I’m used to don’t cross my mind. It can be intimidating to just flat out say how I feel, but I need to try.
TheSpectrum I think I will try that, to me he doesn’t seem immature, but he is only 20 years old and if what I’m reading is accurate then sometimes an aspie can be further behind when it comes to social relationships due to their lack of having many. I’m really trying hard, but some of the things I perceive as cold and unfeeling are just how he expresses himself it’s not like a NT relationship where we back and forth say things like sweetheart and babe. I tried calling him pet names and as opposed to him saying some back, he said “you say a lot of nice things, they make me blush.”

OMG, death by cuteness

Just try to explain your idea of love and relationships and see if they match with his.

At 20 I believed a lot of strange things about love. Most things I believed were from books and films, since I never spoke with anyone about these things.

I think your right cause if I got all my dating advice from movies it would be a complicated mess so many movies contradict each other. Not saying that’s his case, but I get the point you are trying to make I need to do what I would do with any NT and make sure that we see eye to eye about how our relationship stands and what direction we would like it to go in.

Side note: he does this thing where he won’t respond to any txts for like over a day and then he apologizes for the late response and says he was going through personal stuff. Do you think this is a sign that I’m messaging to much or that my messages are overwhelming him? Or am I reading too much into it and maybe he has something going on that makes him anxious?

Couple of things come to mind re: the text messages.

Firstly, autistic people can get very hyper-focused when we are indulging in our hobbies and interests. Our interests can be very much a kind of 'sanctuary' where we can unconditionally be our autistic selves, and we will often retreat there if we are a bit anxious or stressed. When I'm hyper-focused, the outside world and time are totally out of mind, so it is very easy to lose hours and hours totally cut off from communication. I may not even notice that I am hungry, thirsty, too cold etc...

Secondly, it could just take him a long time to formulate a response, even if the message and possible responses seem relatively straightforward to you. When I respond to a text, it can sometimes require an enormous amount of pondering over whether I am really saying what I mean, have chosen the choicest words and phrases, etc. As soon as I hover over the "send" button, I am convinced that I could have written everything better, or that the message could be misinterpreted. If the message involves some emotions about which I'm unsure or anxious, all the more so.

I wouldn't assume necessarily that this means you are trying to contact him too much, but it's worth asking just in case. Maybe even pre-arranging when you are going to contact him might help, as some of us like to plan our day like a military operation in order to avoid unexpected surprises that might knock us off balance.

And of course, if he is stressed, don't immediately assume it is because of you or your relationship. Dealing with the outside world and any sensory sensitivities we might have are plenty capable of making some of us extremely anxious sometimes!

Troggludite maybe you’re right, I think I could be projecting my own insecurities onto him not texting as a sign that I’ve failed in some way, when in reality he could just be in sensory overload. When he says he’s going through personal stuff I have asked him if he wants to talk about it so I can be supportive, but then he goes quiet when I mention that so maybe it’s not something he’s ready to share or he can find the way to describe how it feels. I’m trying to give him the proper space, but I care about him and when I feel like he’s sad I want to reach out and hold him and tell him it’ll be ok and I know that’s not the kind of response that will help. He did do something pretty major for me, this week my grandfather and uncle died a day apart and I asked if we could cuddle. I asked if he would hold me or if he needed me to hold him to which he said “nothing terrible has happened to me this week so I’ll hold you.” He’s coming over on Friday and I’m not sure what the next move should be. Usually I calculate everything I’m going to do or say before a date, but with him I feel like I’m playing chess and he’s playing poker. I’ve analyzed everything I’ve done and said to him about a billion times trying to figure out every possible meaning he could pull from it.

Condolences for your Grandfather and Uncle, it's good that your boyfriend was able to be there for you.

Thank you, they had good lives and are no longer in pain so it’s bittersweet to see them pass.

I am relieved by the fact that he was willing to not only have physical touch, but also to hold me as he really seems put off by being the one to take charge when it comes to physicality.
I do see it as a sign of him showing me he cares though.

Well, I would take what he says literally. That's what autistic people do. Don't try to read into it.

I think this is something all autistic people do. There is a delay. Sometimes we can't process in real time. If we reply immediately, the danger of saying something stupid (read: something that can be misinterpreted) increases radically. Better to wait and think.

Others may have different approaches, but this is how I function, and other autistic people I know.