Charming single guy after 30 = likely sociopath.

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kara, please leave my threads alone - I don’t want you to post in any of my threads.

Thanks.

He asked those questions to one specific woman.
He asked those questions as if they were one question and thus as if they all have the same (percentage) answer.


The ones who deserve to remain involuntarily single are the ones who are abusive. Hopefully that's not a very high percentage.
If I interpret deserve as likely will - which it does not mean - then it's a different subgroup of men. It does not include all abusive men but includes a lot of disabled or homeless men. Still not a very high percentage.


The 'Like' at the beginning of the sentence indicates that this is still the same question as the one above, but it in fact is a completely different one.
I neither have to date every man who is not abusive nor every man who I think any other woman might be attracted to (the ones who will likely not remain involuntarily single).

The percentage of men I wouldn't date is higher than the percentage of men who will remain involuntarily single. That's because there's not an one dimensional value that can be assigned to a man based on which all women decide to date or not to date him.

For example I wouldn't date a man who is obsessed with expensive cars, values social status very much and whose favorite hobby is hunting. Some other women would.
I wouldn't date a creationist. Obviously that's something creationist women would prefer.
...

Let her speak. Her opinions can stand or fall on their own merits. If you play this game you'll just get your thread locked.



There's a lot more abusive men than there are single abusive men. They usually end up spawning more abusers themselves.

I don't see how anyone here would be able to tell you what your chances for a relationship are.
There are some people on this forum who have Aspergers Syndrome and are in a relationship. Therefore Aspergers obviously doesn't make it impossible. However, severity of symptoms varies between people and so do circumstances. I wouldn't know how much it impacts your chances.

I think you already know what changes to make to increase your chances better than anyone else on here could know having very limited information about your life. Basically social skills and anything that determines whether people perceive you as an independent adult impacts your chances. But you already knew that.


I think that's a quite simplistic view. Either you have a broad view of what entails bad boy stuff or you put too much importance on it. Most reasonably intelligent, emotionally stable women don't want an abusive relationship and don't see traits like constantly getting drunk as desirable for example.
Being a nice person isn't bad. It's when you are too insecure and agree with everything she says that it gets tiresome. Because it gets damn difficult to try to read your mind and figure out what your actual opinion on something is. Politely disagreeing is much better than pretending you agree when it is obvious you don't. Being a gentleman is bad when it's exaggerated and actually makes things more complicated. When it seems fake or when it seems like you are desperately trying anything to get her attention (e.g. if you run to reach a door before she does just so you can hold it open for her).


It'd probably be more efficient to improve social skills and not Dark Triad characteristics at least if you are looking for a long term relationship rather than one night stands. Trying to act more confident is good for your chances with both but don't mistake confidence for being a dick. (As in confidence doesn't require arrogance)

... and the numbers of those are here in this very thread.

There are also abusive women as well. though its not heard of often.

That is true and it does appear to me as though it's socially acceptable because real men shouldn't be weak enough so as to be susceptible to that and that it arises solely due to masculine deficiencies in the man. It is considered a natural result of a woman having to deal with a man who is in a psychologically regressed state that is to say that they still have the mind of a little boy.


Anyone can answer. I don't know the answers to the questions, therefore I do not know if they are all the same answer or different. I suspect different but wondered what others think.

One thing is that I used to have problem where when I ask a question I'd also in asking indicate an answer I expect to hear. I'm trying not to do that since it's rude when a question carries an assumption. Trying to work around my communication problems but it's quite difficult.



I'm trying to ask it impartially but what I'm getting at is this: Is a man with Aspergers a disabled man in your view(Or anybody else's view?)? I'll try to answer the rest a bit later. It's difficult for me to get my point across well so I have to think about my answers.

I just want to try to understand the reality of my situation and if there is anything constructive I can do to try to improve things. I want to get in the right mindset so I'm not totally incongruent with the rest of the world on this stuff.

in the present amuuurican culture, i'd say many aspies were disabled in real, practical, critical ways. but a few are not. it is as though the culture raced ahead and left most of us behind in the dust.

I think most people with Aspergers Syndrome don't come across as disabled at first impression but a few do and some others may almost instantly be perceived as weird even if not as disabled. Still others may not seem unusual at all at first.

If an Autistic man (or an autistic person in general) is disabled in my view depends on the severity of their symptoms or how well they cope with them/compensate them.

True and also true. That men can be victims of abuse and that women can be abusers often gets ignored. That it was getting ignored in this particular thread was probably only because the whole conversation was about men and not about women though.

Maybe not disabled but certainly weird or odd in manner, posture and speech. NTs can see that ans some may find it off putting.

I've been told that I am not a real man due to those exact reasons, posture and speech.

I as well. I just wonder What I can do about it because those things aren't what I consider intrinsic parts of my identity but I am not sure how to best regulate them

IMHO whomever would haughtily parse "real" men from any other kind, are akin to modern-day cavemen with grooming.

I'll take a run at this... which is probably stupid. But I'll try...

I'm NOT speaking for women, and I encourage them to tell me to stfu if I step out of line. These are just the lessons I've learned so far.

There is a thing that happens when guys, (I'll say "we" cause it happened to me), start working through these issues. It generally comes out as you've said it here.

"I didn't rape anybody", "I didn't do this", "I'm not like him"... etc...

Try this on for size: Asking a woman to say or confirm that you don't abuse your power as a man is an abuse of your power as a man.

Think about that in a different context: The bully who steals your milk money and is generally dangerous ALL THE TIME, is standing next to you being dangerous and threatening when the principal comes out and says "Hey there! What the hell is going on" and the bully says "nah, I'm not doing anything. Me and my buddy here are fine. We're fine, right?"

You're the bully here because of the way you were born. It isn't your fault, but you get to choose to continue to perpetuate the bullying or not.



Be a good human. The rest will sort itself out.

Don't try to BE anything that isn't "good human" If you are trying, then you are lying, and that is its own kind of abuse.



Does a nice butt make up for the wrong colored eyes? How much crazy would you tolerate for someone who made you breakfast? Is a woman's messy apartment more or less important than the warmth of her embrace.

I'll bet you accept that that is different for every man, and not thinking that extends to women is sexist. Women are not manufactured to a certain standard, someone will tolerate your butt because of your eyes, someone will tolerate you tics because of your smile, someone will ADORE YOU despite your aspergers. You just have to get out of your own way.



Dude there is a Tesla with a dummy in a space suit drifting toward mars RIGHT NOW... Nothing is crazy. Kameheha.

Stop stressing. Be a good human, when the right one sees it... you will know.

...of course... when the wrong one sees it, if you are anything like me, you will totally missenterpret it and think you know... and you will crash and burn... but it is part of the process... you'll be fine as soon as you stop focussing on "deserving"

These don't represent how I myself feel about the world or how I personally feel the world ought to be like. These are just things I observed and my best guess of how women perceive me. Specifically my observations in life suggest that women perceive my human value as equal to my viability for a romantic relationship.



Phew, there is some damage there, man... I mean... I get it, I went through it.

Do you see what you did there? "try to be a gentleman"

Don't do that. Gentleman is code for "viable male partner for women"... be a good human. It is counterintuitive and weird sometimes, but don't do it for them if you wouldn't do it for me. If you aren't the kind of guy who holds doors for men, don't do it for women... it is dishonest, it is "gaming" them, its really screwed up but in this subtle way society has taught us to do. It oppresses them.



Stop using the word deserve COMPLETELY... it has no bearing. This is for them AND for you...

You talking about what you need and expecting them to answer is not listening. Weirdly counterintuitive again, this isn't math class, they aren't your teacher.

Be a good human, think about EVERYTHING you are doing habitually... do your best always and shut up about it. Pick a thing you're doing that isn't right... for instance years ago I replaced "like a girl" with "like a baby" in my vocabulary. It took me a while, but eventually I realized I had stopped having to try. I don't deserve a medal for that, or a commendation or even a vague insinuated thank you... I was doing a frikkin gross wrong-minded thing and I stopped. I'm ashamed it took me decades to figure that out. Then pick another and do that. Don't wait for them to notice, don't point it out, don't call any attention to yourself.

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Love doesn't work that way my friend. You won't be able to run these calculations when it happens, and running them beforehand just isolates you. It doesn't work that way for them either:

My wife of 10 years swore before she met me she would never date anyone with ADhD again before she met me... SURPRISE!

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This one hasn't come up organically so I'm adding it at the end, because it is the MOST IMPORTANT THING.

Shut up and listen. Hard stop.

Not "ask a question and listen"... that is your male ego leading again. And its frikkin' hard, I know... but... do it anyway.

Just listen.

There are BILLIONS of women on earth talking... right now. Twitter. Facebook. YouTube. Yer Mom. Peers. Coworkers.

They don't need you to ask them questions, they just need you to listen. Scratch that... they don't actually need you to do anything but let them be. Let them be, and learn from what they say when you do.

Last edited by OhkaBaka on 07 Feb 2018, 6:13 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Boo, please leave my airspace. I don't want to see your posts in my internet. Thanks...

c'mon... seriously? What kind of man-baby nonsense is that?