Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

We're not good enough

Page 1 of 8 [ 114 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 8  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

FunkyPunky
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 14 Aug 2017
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 349

02 Mar 2018, 11:24 am

I look at all the threads in this forum, and I see people saying the same things over and over again. "How can I be attractive to someone I like?" "Why do I keep getting rejected?" "How do I get them to say yes?" Has it occurred to anyone that we're just not good enough? That we're single for a reason, and that reason is never going to go away?

We have aspergers. Aspergers is a disability. We're cold, we can't hold a normal conversation, can't make eye contact, and have meltdowns every time something doesn't go our way. We go from being manically happy to super depressed without any warning. We don't like being touched and can be so robotically analytical that we can destroy people's feelings without even trying. Sure, maybe we can get to a point where we can take care of ourselves, but what makes us think that we're in any condition to bring someone else into our lives? Has anyone thought about how horrible our partner's life would be if they had to be subjected to us every day for the rest of their lives? You might be happy, but they would be miserable.

There's plenty of fish in the ocean, but we're the three eyed trout that's oozing snot from between its scales and will probably give you cancer if you ate it. Anyone with any sort of standards is going to throw us back, and even if they don't we're going to be the worst decision they have ever made, and they'll spend the rest of their lives regretting it.

And there's nothing we can do about it. We are just not good enough.



TheSpectrum
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jun 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,121
Location: Hampshire

02 Mar 2018, 12:21 pm

Speak for yourself! :lol:


_________________
Yours sincerely, some dude.


FunkyPunky
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 14 Aug 2017
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 349

02 Mar 2018, 12:24 pm

The fact that the same people are asking the same questions about the same problems year after year after year tells me I'm not just speaking for myself here. I'm just the only one who acknowledges the hopelessness of the situation.



NorthWind
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Jun 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 577

02 Mar 2018, 12:25 pm

FunkyPunky wrote:
We have aspergers. Aspergers is a disability. We're cold, we can't hold a normal conversation, can't make eye contact, and have meltdowns every time something doesn't go our way. We go from being manically happy to super depressed without any warning. We don't like being touched and can be so robotically analytical that we can destroy people's feelings without even trying. Sure, maybe we can get to a point where we can take care of ourselves, but what makes us think that we're in any condition to bring someone else into our lives? Has anyone thought about how horrible our partner's life would be if they had to be subjected to us every day for the rest of their lives? You might be happy, but they would be miserable.


Now I'd agree that I'm not relationship-material but some of those things you listed simply are not universally true for all people with Aspergers syndrome. For example I'm 100% certain that I don't go from being manically happy to super depressed without any warning. I don't know if it's common among people with Aspergers, but it's not a symptom of Aspergers; it is a symptom of Bipolar.
Many of the other symptoms you listed are also optional but of course some people also have symptoms that are detrimental for relationships you didn't list.


However, I do think that the fact most of us here are autistic and that this contributes to the struggles with forming relationships is something that sometimes gets ignored or denied here.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5286449/

Quote:
Across three independent studies using distinct samples and a variety of methodological approaches, observers’ first impressions of individuals with ASD engaging in real-world social behavior were found to be robustly less favorable than those of matched TD controls. These negative first impressions were consistent for both adults and children with ASD, for static as well as dynamic stimuli, for both brief (2–4 s) and longer (10 s) glimpses of social behavior, and did not change with repeated exposure.


Quote:
Our findings show that negative first impressions of adults with ASD occurred only when audio and/or visual information was present, and not when the transcript of their speech content was evaluated (Study 1). This discrepancy suggests that social presentation style rather than the substantive content of social speech drove negative impression formation of individuals with ASD. Supporting this conclusion, a static image was sufficient for generating negative first impressions of those with ASD and including additional information, such as body movement or voice, did not worsen them further.


Quote:
We also determined that negative impressions extended beyond perceived social competence to judgments of likeability (reduced), attractiveness (reduced), and submissiveness (increased) (Study 1). However, negative impressions did not occur for all evaluated traits, with the two groups not differing on ratings of perceived intelligence or trustworthiness. The lack of group differences on these traits suggest that the social presentation differences in the ASD group may lead to more negative evaluations of traits associated with social appeal and approach behaviors (e.g., awkwardness, attractiveness, likability), than those associated with competence (intelligence) and character (trustworthiness).



NorthWind
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Jun 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 577

02 Mar 2018, 12:30 pm

FunkyPunky wrote:
The fact that the same people are asking the same questions about the same problems year after year after year tells me I'm not just speaking for myself here. I'm just the only one who acknowledges the hopelessness of the situation.

But at the same time there are members who are in long term relationships or married and some (at least from the information we have) happily (without any indication that their partner is unhappy). That shows that it is not hopeless for every person with Aspergers Syndrome. It's a diverse disorder and we don't all have the exact same symptoms with exact same severity.



TheSpectrum
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jun 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,121
Location: Hampshire

02 Mar 2018, 12:33 pm

FunkyPunky wrote:
The fact that the same people are asking the same questions about the same problems year after year after year tells me I'm not just speaking for myself here. I'm just the only one who acknowledges the hopelessness of the situation.

I'm just gonna point out that it is obviously affecting those same people who frequent the forums (naming no names). It however isn't affecting everyone here. Some have chosen to be single or celibate. Some lurking are in relationships and have come for advice. People seeking advice is not limited to those with mental health conditions or cognitive differences such as the Autism spectrum.


_________________
Yours sincerely, some dude.


cberg
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Dec 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,183
Location: A swiftly tilting planet

02 Mar 2018, 1:55 pm

Despite agreeing with most of the OP I know a few girls who disagree on that with me. :?


_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos :mrgreen:


SteveSnow
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 23 Dec 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 172
Location: Minnesota

02 Mar 2018, 2:10 pm

Autism for me is just like any other disability I've had. I've broken my back and lost the ability to walk, years of therapy and work and I overcame that. I broke my leg and wasn't able to use it, again therapy and work. Yes, there are parts of me that I can never change since they are too deeply ingrained and I still can't do some work because of my physical infirmities but that doesn't mean that all of my options are closed.

I'm going to continue to practice socializing, after years I can almost hold a conversation. I'm going to continue to ask out women and on, admittedly, rare occasion one might say yes and even more rarely I might get past that first date. I have been upfront about my condition and some people are willing to look past it and see if we can make things work.


_________________
I'm not a doctor but I play one on t.v.


FunkyPunky
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 14 Aug 2017
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 349

02 Mar 2018, 2:33 pm

SteveSnow wrote:
Autism for me is just like any other disability I've had. I've broken my back and lost the ability to walk, years of therapy and work and I overcame that. I broke my leg and wasn't able to use it, again therapy and work. Yes, there are parts of me that I can never change since they are too deeply ingrained and I still can't do some work because of my physical infirmities but that doesn't mean that all of my options are closed.

I'm going to continue to practice socializing, after years I can almost hold a conversation. I'm going to continue to ask out women and on, admittedly, rare occasion one might say yes and even more rarely I might get past that first date. I have been upfront about my condition and some people are willing to look past it and see if we can make things work.

You can't fix a broken leg by pretending it isn't broken. It actually has to heal. Autism never goes away and all you'll be doing is pretending you are somebody you're not. Eventually your partner will see through the mask and most likely decide that the aspie you really are isn't someone they want to spend their life with. They might even feel betrayed that you led them on like that.



DancingQueen
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jan 2018
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 176
Location: UK

02 Mar 2018, 2:38 pm

Have the people who are struggling tried dating other aspies? May be easier?


_________________
Aspergers
INFP


FunkyPunky
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 14 Aug 2017
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 349

02 Mar 2018, 2:40 pm

DancingQueen wrote:
Have the people who are struggling tried dating other aspies? May be easier?

I can't stand being around most other aspies. The ones I've met have been completely self absorbed to the point where everyone around them suffers for it. I mentioned one in the work and job forums who sits at her desk at work and sings all day, and will make excuses if you ask her to stop.



Andrewdarr
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

Joined: 27 Feb 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 89
Location: Hell

02 Mar 2018, 2:43 pm

FunkyPunky wrote:
I look at all the threads in this forum, and I see people saying the same things over and over again. "How can I be attractive to someone I like?" "Why do I keep getting rejected?" "How do I get them to say yes?" Has it occurred to anyone that we're just not good enough? That we're single for a reason, and that reason is never going to go away?

We have aspergers. Aspergers is a disability. We're cold, we can't hold a normal conversation, can't make eye contact, and have meltdowns every time something doesn't go our way. We go from being manically happy to super depressed without any warning. We don't like being touched and can be so robotically analytical that we can destroy people's feelings without even trying. Sure, maybe we can get to a point where we can take care of ourselves, but what makes us think that we're in any condition to bring someone else into our lives? Has anyone thought about how horrible our partner's life would be if they had to be subjected to us every day for the rest of their lives? You might be happy, but they would be miserable.

There's plenty of fish in the ocean, but we're the three eyed trout that's oozing snot from between its scales and will probably give you cancer if you ate it. Anyone with any sort of standards is going to throw us back, and even if they don't we're going to be the worst decision they have ever made, and they'll spend the rest of their lives regretting it.

And there's nothing we can do about it. We are just not good enough.


I like you (I'm not being sarcastic.) :lol: I think you're right and you made your point humorously. The irony is, I'd like to date you because of this post but I'm probably not your type...



Tequila
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Feb 2006
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 28,897
Location: Lancashire, UK

02 Mar 2018, 2:49 pm

Andrewdarr wrote:
FunkyPunky wrote:
I look at all the threads in this forum, and I see people saying the same things over and over again. "How can I be attractive to someone I like?" "Why do I keep getting rejected?" "How do I get them to say yes?" Has it occurred to anyone that we're just not good enough? That we're single for a reason, and that reason is never going to go away?

We have aspergers. Aspergers is a disability. We're cold, we can't hold a normal conversation, can't make eye contact, and have meltdowns every time something doesn't go our way. We go from being manically happy to super depressed without any warning. We don't like being touched and can be so robotically analytical that we can destroy people's feelings without even trying. Sure, maybe we can get to a point where we can take care of ourselves, but what makes us think that we're in any condition to bring someone else into our lives? Has anyone thought about how horrible our partner's life would be if they had to be subjected to us every day for the rest of their lives? You might be happy, but they would be miserable.

There's plenty of fish in the ocean, but we're the three eyed trout that's oozing snot from between its scales and will probably give you cancer if you ate it. Anyone with any sort of standards is going to throw us back, and even if they don't we're going to be the worst decision they have ever made, and they'll spend the rest of their lives regretting it.

And there's nothing we can do about it. We are just not good enough.


I like you (I'm not being sarcastic.) :lol: I think you're right and you made your point humorously. The irony is, I'd like to date you because of this post but I'm probably not your type...


It's demonisation. We're denormalised.



sly279
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Dec 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 16,181
Location: US

02 Mar 2018, 4:35 pm

FunkyPunky wrote:

We have aspergers. Aspergers is a disability. We're cold, we can't hold a normal conversation, can't make eye contact, and have meltdowns every time something doesn't go our way. We go from being manically happy to super depressed without any warning. We don't like being touched and can be so robotically analytical that we can destroy people's feelings without even trying. Sure, maybe we can get to a point where we can take care of ourselves, but what makes us think that we're in any condition to bring someone else into our lives? Has anyone thought about how horrible our partner's life would be if they had to be subjected to us every day for the rest of their lives? You might be happy, but they would be miserable.



I make eye contact, I don’t have meltdowns, I love and desire being touched by romantic partner. I’m not robotical either. I’m more emotional.

I think I could make a woman very happy if they saw past my life status. I’ve been told I’d make a good boyfriend bu lots of women.



sly279
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Dec 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 16,181
Location: US

02 Mar 2018, 4:40 pm

DancingQueen wrote:
Have the people who are struggling tried dating other aspies? May be easier?

Most aspie women want the same thing nt women want which most aspie men fail to meet. On top of that a few dont want to date aspie men. As they find aspies annoying.
Then there the fact there’s less aspie diagnosised women.



sly279
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Dec 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 16,181
Location: US

02 Mar 2018, 4:41 pm

Andrewdarr wrote:
FunkyPunky wrote:
I look at all the threads in this forum, and I see people saying the same things over and over again. "How can I be attractive to someone I like?" "Why do I keep getting rejected?" "How do I get them to say yes?" Has it occurred to anyone that we're just not good enough? That we're single for a reason, and that reason is never going to go away?

We have aspergers. Aspergers is a disability. We're cold, we can't hold a normal conversation, can't make eye contact, and have meltdowns every time something doesn't go our way. We go from being manically happy to super depressed without any warning. We don't like being touched and can be so robotically analytical that we can destroy people's feelings without even trying. Sure, maybe we can get to a point where we can take care of ourselves, but what makes us think that we're in any condition to bring someone else into our lives? Has anyone thought about how horrible our partner's life would be if they had to be subjected to us every day for the rest of their lives? You might be happy, but they would be miserable.

There's plenty of fish in the ocean, but we're the three eyed trout that's oozing snot from between its scales and will probably give you cancer if you ate it. Anyone with any sort of standards is going to throw us back, and even if they don't we're going to be the worst decision they have ever made, and they'll spend the rest of their lives regretting it.

And there's nothing we can do about it. We are just not good enough.


I like you (I'm not being sarcastic.) :lol: I think you're right and you made your point humorously. The irony is, I'd like to date you because of this post but I'm probably not your type...


I’m single :p