40-year-old virgin.

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I really don't give two craps how much "experience" a woman I love has. It doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is how she experiences ME.

You love a woman before you’ve even dated? All this happens way before love. It happens before the two have met in person or on the first date.

Where'd you get that idea?

I meant....a woman whom I have been seeing a while. It doesn't matter to me what was in the past. What matters to me is what will occur in the future.

I might be wrong about this but I don't think it's weird at all for girls.

Guys are supposed to be all about the conquest which is why it can be seen as weird to have no experience. It's assumed that we were trying all the time, asking people out all the time so having no experience in late 20's would imply at least dozens or perhaps hundreds of rejections with 0% success rate.

I have only asked 1 time when I was in like Grade 9 and it was because people telling me it's weird to not date & never ask any girl out. But I was happy later to have gotten a no, found out more about her from friend who did date her and it's really clear to me we'd never be a match as what I found out about her personality I didn't like. Also how she handled the situation ironically made it a lot better as she was fairly rude/arrogant about it which killed my attraction instantly.

It really kills my attraction if they turn out to have a big ego and/or big sense of entitlement. Controlling behaviours are another one.


This is an interesting point to me because TBH I'd say this is true of myself even though I am a guy. Is it a strange thing for a guy to be this way?

I do get feelings for different women but it's actually quite rare that it's to the point where I really want to date them. I prefer to first get to know them a little.


Reminds me of advice given by NT friends about this when I'd brought it up. They said something along the lines of "fake it till you make it". Like just saying yes and try, even if you fail you get some experience.

I don't approve of lying but at the same time I feel it isn't appropriate in my view to be something that gets brought up after just meeting a potential date like in the first conversation or first few conversations. It certainly wouldn't be considered appropriate for a man to ask a woman "how many men have you had sex with and what was each sexual experience like, can u give details?"

It's a personal thing like one of those things that I feel should be off the table till we know each other. Or maybe that's just something I need to work on, I don't actually know whether or not it's normal to be really direct about asking these kinds of things?

Would it be setting healthy boundaries to not want these kinds of questions or would this be abnormal behaviour? Obviously it's tricky situation because saying you don't want to answer going to make them assume that the worst case in their mind is true. I think I would try to give answer that doesn't confirm or deny it, then see if they will really question further in a demanding way about it. I don't think I would ever feel really comfortable with getting asked right away, whether I have 0 or 100 or somewhere in between.

Even an alpha male type might not like this sort of question since not every bit of information about ourselves should be up for grabs, there should be boundaries when just getting to know each other.

Well they didn’t ask for details. If a woman ask that early on she’s prob just seeking sexual thrill.

It’s more of have yiu had past relationships, how many sexual partners have you had etc.

I answered honestly and they stopped talkin for told me thst me not having past girlfriends is a no go.

That's what I would think as well.


How often does it happen and are they asking that super early?


I think I would say: "I have had a few but no soul mate yet"
What would happen if you tried that?

I still feel it's a pretty personal thing, I don't think I've ever asked somebody how many relationships & sexual partners have they had. I view it kinda similar to asking about their money or asking a girl about their bra size, like quite inappropriate.

I think I would be okay to say that I haven't had any but only after some dates and seeing there's a connection. What I am not okay with is discussing it with someone who's basically a stranger or acquaintance, like as a quick sort of rule I would say it wouldn't be cool with me to discuss if it's been less than a few hours of discussion in total.

Some women are that way. I’ve been used for sexting a lot.


For me it’d be a lie. I’ve never had a gf.
So I can either lie which will backfire later if a relationship develops or tell the truth which ends any chance of a relationship.

Most women ask about a mans job and income before dates. Why would they waste their time with a guy who doesn’t meet their requirements.

It’s like a preinterview. If you answer any of the questions wrong you never get a date.

I don't think I would say lying is a men only thing. Do you think anyone with an STD is going to be upfront about it? Criminal record? A drug addiction? Or other red flag things? If all we've said are "hello" messages then it certainly doesn't entitle them to know everything about me, I view it as a boundaries thing.

Job itself sure to make sure a guy isn't unemployed and just wants to mooch but all the numbers too? Do they want to literally know your hourly wage, annual take home pay per year, what you got in the bank too?

Do they say stuff like $100k/year minimum? Better have >$10k in the bank, right now? Even if I am wealthy I don't want to tell them straight away, I don't want to brag I have a lot of money in the bank. Or else how do I know they aren't just around for the ride like wanting a free trip to Hawaii or wanting me to buy them a new car? That isn't something I'm going to shout out to everybody I meet. Shouldn't be a Day 1 topic. I can understand fact checking sure but I don't feel my life should be an open door from the word go.

In an online dating sort of environment especially I'm not gonna talk any numbers, they could be catfish or other identity thieves for all I know. Anything I say can help them steal my identity as knowing correct details can help them convince customer service that they are me and potentially could allow them to setup credit card or take out a loan. It's frankly scary to me when thinking about how I've bypassed having to say numbers like my healthcare/Social Security number. Knowing birthdate, phone number plus a few more specific details are enough to validate you when on the phone with credit card company.

I think I would (whilst trying to convey it humorously) ask them if they want to finance a new car or take out a payday loan in my name. If the intention is to dig for gold they'd best mine elsewhere.

I won't agree to sexting tbh, reason being that the messages in question can be considered proof of sexual harassment, especially if there are multiple. All they have to do is complain to authorities that they were unwanted. Restraining order, criminal charges are possible.

@ 52 it literally dropped into my lap one day, against all expectation. of course, I was too GD old and decrepit to make much of it.

I wonder if it is a common thing in this generation, more common than it was 50 to 60 years ago, for many guys to end up as 30 year old virgins or 40 year old virgins or worse

very good question.

No, I suggest saying "I do not feel comfortable discussing (income/sexual/relationship history) with you until I get to know you better." I personally did just fine on my first time and she actually asked me if it was my first time moments before. If she can't respect basic personal boundaries, she is doing you a huge favor by rejecting you.

Remember, if one of the less than ideal women DID say yes to me, I would have never met my far superior wife. Sure, it can be hard to be patient but my biggest regret was wasting time worrying about how I will never find a decent girl. I cringe when I think of being married to my crazy ex, all because I was worried about being a virgin at 30. What a fool I was!

50 or 60 years ago there were lots of people who were lifelong virgins but they didn't talk about it on the internet.

Probably because there was no Internet

I've been thinking about this some more and how my lack of relationships and virginity has dragged on into my 40s.

It seems like the awkward thing is how to 'break the ice' on the topic of being an older man with no sexual experience or even relationships. I've had to work on my social skills and still tend toward being a loner, but I think things like the Recession hit me really hard and really set me back. I've also had a long run of working night shift jobs or work that requires constant travel so I was never home in town.

Almost 6 months ago I finally got the highest paying local job I've ever had and actually have my own apartment. After months of a stable life, I've thought about meeting people. If my lack of experience appears obvious, maybe I could plea my case against that red flag saying the economy put me in a deep rut and at least I didn't just try random Craigslist hookups.

I do also have a Fetishism issue that might be a Red Flag for some people, but I'm hoping to get around that by finding like minded people on the appropriate dating sites. I might address this in another thread some day.

I don't think the economy thing would work as a very good reason. Being very specific as to your requirements is a much better one. It may be red flag to some women (if it's women) but it would be seen in a positive way by others because we (women) crave feeling special. The numbers would depend on the fetish and how much to explain and at what point so 'appropriate dating sites' sounds like a good idea for you.