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Not interested/"friend zone"/Give me a chance

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puzzledoll
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24 Dec 2018, 8:50 pm

sly279 wrote:
No I’m saying if you do want a relationship just not with that person just tell them that, don’t lie to them then date some guy week later then expect them to not be hurt you lied to them.
It’s bettet to tell people the truth the make up false excuses.


Agreed.

sly279 wrote:
I can’t be friends with someone I’m romantically interested in. I’ve neber had in person female friends and most likely never will. It’s painful to be friends with someone you love and watch them date other people, as you hang out your feelings for them grow deeper and that pain hurts more. Some will ask you to d things and take advantage of your feelings. No it’s better to part ways find other friends you don’t love.
I dont know if you realize how painful it is.


This February I am officiating the marriage of one of my exes whom I love dearly still... I've hurt when people I have loved have dated other people, but I quickly learned it was counter productive and really sorta cruel to all involved. Why should I hurt when someone I love is happy? Why should I be so selfish and to want them to not be happy on my account? Isn't it better to be happy for them? Yah, it sucks to not be with them, but they are one person and there is a whole entire world of people out there.

sly279 wrote:
Like take this woman she said she couldn’t handle a relationship with any men and that her therapist said it’s best she avoid romantic relationships for while. Then very next day started dating a guy and moved in with him.
So she lied, she did want and handle relationship and it’s very likely she was already seeing that guy along with me and the other two she told me about at the time she told me she didn’t want a relationship. Is that ok behavior to you? How’d you feel if you had a son and a woman did that to him? What if a man did it to you?
If I’m not romantically interested in a woman I just tell her so and say sorry. I don’t make up a lie


For that one, well either she is a complete jerk OR she is not stable and threw herself into a relationship when she knew she shouldn't and you were the collateral damage. In either case, thank goodness she didn't want to date you! I mean seriously would you really want to be with someone who would lie to your face like that or with someone that emotionally unstable? You lucked out. I mean yah, it sucks and it hurts, but in the long run I'd count that as a win.



Last edited by puzzledoll on 24 Dec 2018, 8:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

sly279
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24 Dec 2018, 8:51 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
You might do better in Portland.....

I wish you could try to be a little friendlier in the store. You've worked there awhile. You've shown that you could keep a hard job to keep (in retail). You've shown the ability to assert your rights.

It's pretty easy to get fired from a retail job. And you haven't gotten fired. I was actually fired from a bagel shop when I was a young man. After one day!

I feel like you can take the next step.


Portland would be hell for me. They super anti gun and anti anyone right leaning or sharing opinions of right leanings, they have mobs rooming the streets daily on top of all their other violent crimes and it’s super super expensive to live there.
I’m super friendly. Others aren’t to me. I’m beneath them in their view not worth their
time.

They fear a lawsuit is the only reason I suspect I’m still there. They don’t seem to trust me at all. I’m really starting to hate it. I don’t want to go back Wednesday. Most the women there don’t even talk to me or acknowledge my existence, I’ll never meet w romantic partner there, despite everyone else hooking up with each other but me.



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24 Dec 2018, 8:56 pm

Portland is more hipster than it is left wing by a long shot. I don't think most people there would take issue with your views as long as you express things calmly & directly. It's actually refreshing to drop the partisan nonsense for everyone.


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sly279
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24 Dec 2018, 9:20 pm

cberg wrote:
Portland is more hipster than it is left wing by a long shot. I don't think most people there would take issue with your views as long as you express things calmly & directly. It's actually refreshing to drop the partisan nonsense for everyone.

They don’t allow people to carry guns except begrudgingly abiding by the laws as forced to by the Oregon state court. Here if I had to pull my gun to defend myself or my house I’d be home thst night and they’d rule it defense and never go to trial. In Portland they’d lock me in jail, fast track the trial and throw the key away. The criminal would be pretrayd as the victim and me a horrible monster for just nit letting the person kill me.
If I used say a bat or a knife they’d let me go, that’s how anti gun they are. I’ll never step foot in thst god awful city.



puzzledoll
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24 Dec 2018, 9:56 pm

cberg wrote:
Bumping my own post because I don't want us ignoring it, myself included

Quote:
We are more than used to disinterest here.

Why do we never talk about how to make the most of it? I don't think that's a zero sum, especially for those of us with no one else in our lives but said "disinterested" party. I think our western sensibilities make us way too quick to ignorance.


I think it's talked about a lot actually. The whole focus on yourself and your interests, get better at being you, etc... all that stuff is making the most of life. Life is life no matter who else is in it or not. If you aren't actively enjoying being you what is really the point? If you like someone and they don't like you back, you look elsewhere, but in the meantime you enjoy life and you enjoy being you.

I was dumped recently. Because I was dumped I decided to focus more on myself. One thing I wanted to do was make more friends, something that has always been an issue for me. I started posting here more. I have met interesting people, at least one who I hope sticks around for a long, long time. I actively reached out to acquaintances elsewhere and now they are friends (and one of those just bought a flame thrower!! ! Shame he lives states away...). I'm working on my art more. I'm actively reading the darned gaming book I should have finished months ago so I can run a campaign. I wrote a short story for the first time in years.

I don't know how else to state this to make my point, so I hope it makes sense.



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24 Dec 2018, 10:52 pm

I think this culture of 'dumping' people is total anathema to how I intend to treat them.

Maybe it's because of how few people ever get close to me but the idea of finality separating people because of some unwritten rule none of us seem able to describe freaks me out. It feels like we're taking each other for granted if we see another as ultimately disposable or replaceable.


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puzzledoll
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24 Dec 2018, 11:48 pm

cberg wrote:
I think this culture of 'dumping' people is total anathema to how I intend to treat them.

Maybe it's because of how few people ever get close to me but the idea of finality separating people because of some unwritten rule none of us seem able to describe freaks me out. It feels like we're taking each other for granted if we see another as ultimately disposable or replaceable.


The thing is that isn't everyone's culture. There are lots of people out there who just flit about, but if that's not you then that's not the people you want in your life anyway, right? There are lots of people out there who don't think that way though. I know people in 10, 15, 20 years of commitment to the same person. It's all about finding the right fit and then working through the problems that come up. Yes, sometimes things won't work, but there are lots of examples out there of relationships where it does work because both people are committed to doing the work necessary.

And I don't think anyone is replaceable. Everyone is themselves. No one but you can be you. No one but me can be me. And so on. Even if you lose someone (for whatever reason) when someone else comes into your life they aren't a replacement. It's a different relationship.



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24 Dec 2018, 11:58 pm

Regardless of all the underlying motives, I always feel like the one who's lost.

It comes with the territory I suppose.


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25 Dec 2018, 12:09 am

cberg wrote:
Portland is more hipster than it is left wing by a long shot. I don't think most people there would take issue with your views as long as you express things calmly & directly. It's actually refreshing to drop the partisan nonsense for everyone.



Oh yes, this is true for sure. Portland is such an enigma. And it fully shares one characteristic with Seattle (where I grew up) that is, simply put, Aspie cyanide: passive-aggressive behavior. Or P-A for short.

P-A isn't all that much of a problem for NT type people. It's the Aspies that it drives bat s**t crazy. "We should get together sometime" translates roughly to "I'd like to see you again, on the twelfth of goddamn never." For Aspies, New York would be a thousand times better, because people more often react to you in a transparent way that Aspies can more easily understand.

This is why this thread here makes me laugh. When someone in Seattle says "We should just be friends," about 98% of the time it means they don't ever want to see you again. An Aspie, of course, usually will be clueless to all of this.



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25 Dec 2018, 12:37 am

cberg wrote:
Regardless of all the underlying motives, I always feel like the one who's lost.

It comes with the territory I suppose.


Who is lost? Who has lost? My brain is having trouble narrowing this one down. But what I can say is that the more I've learned to accept that other people are going to do their thing regardless of me, the easier things have gotten. There's a book I read called The Four Agreements that really made me step outside myself and detach myself from other people's decisions. Once I stopped being annoyed by things I very truly had no control over, I stopped being as stressed out by other people's emotions or lack thereof.



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25 Dec 2018, 1:03 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Nay on the flirting, for the most part.....unless she flirts with you. Some women like it when a man flirts---but others really don't. I would err on the side of caution with this.

Hang out with a woman like you would hang out with a guy friend----but without talking about women or about sports too much (unless she's into sports---which is very possible these days).

Talk about art and literature. Or talk about your family.

If you start talking about the "singles scene" or dating statistics, you're gravy.


But that's how you wind up being seen as only friendship material and not relationship material. At some point you have to show interest beyond platonic or she'll chase after the guy who does.



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25 Dec 2018, 1:34 am

puzzledoll wrote:
cberg wrote:
Regardless of all the underlying motives, I always feel like the one who's lost.

It comes with the territory I suppose.


Who is lost? Who has lost? My brain is having trouble narrowing this one down. But what I can say is that the more I've learned to accept that other people are going to do their thing regardless of me, the easier things have gotten. There's a book I read called The Four Agreements that really made me step outside myself and detach myself from other people's decisions. Once I stopped being annoyed by things I very truly had no control over, I stopped being as stressed out by other people's emotions or lack thereof.


I'm not exactly as resigned in this sense, the way I see it I was the one who was lost in the first place; nobody was looking for me but someone found me anyway & it's on me to work things out with her. I'm a loyal person regardless of my situation.


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puzzledoll
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25 Dec 2018, 2:18 am

cberg wrote:
I'm not exactly as resigned in this sense, the way I see it I was the one who was lost in the first place; nobody was looking for me but someone found me anyway & it's on me to work things out with her. I'm a loyal person regardless of my situation.


It's not an issue of resigned as it is recognizing that other people are other people and they are going to do their thing one way or the other and they will do it for their own reasons. Being loyal and working things out is a good and wonderful thing and very necessary in any sort of long term relationship (friendship or otherwise), but it has to be a two way street. If the other person isn't interested in working things out or in a relationship or in you, then pushing on past the point that is obvious is rather unhealthy for both people (once again, friendship or otherwise). It can put one person in a situation of continually putting forth more and more in an attempt to hold on and/or prove themselves while the other person just isn't putting in the time or effort and might not even want to. Loyalty is wonderful, but so is self-preservation and respect for limits, if that makes sense? If only one person is into it and putting in the energy then it can't really be a balanced relationship. There is a point where even the most loyal person has to recognize that the relationship they want isn't there and/or won't be there. As much as it sucks not all relationships end in forever and that always hurts.



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25 Dec 2018, 1:00 pm

I'm probably too shy for that to be an issue anyway. :oops:


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25 Dec 2018, 6:12 pm

I don’t see why it’s hard to believe anyone could knowingly take advantage of someone’s affection for them. With those on the spectrum it’s especially more likely, given how naive we can be. It has happened to me more times than I’d like to admit. Spreading nasty rumors is one thing but it doesn’t make playing coy look any better.


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25 Dec 2018, 6:23 pm

I've never even been in a woman's "friend zone", let alone dated one. :(