The importance of looks

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To make it more welcome for women... how would that be done?

The threads where autistic men can't get a date...they are not usually criticising women.

maybe if more effort was made to distinguish between general comments and things that don't apply to all women.
As Isabella seems to not like comments that are talking about some of her gender but are not about her specifically.

We have the women's discussion but there's very seldom any posts about women wanting a boyfriend. I see that the social skills and making friends discussion has a lot of posts by women about friendships.

I've been a member here for 13 years, with lots of autistic people coming and going, and I have noticed a pattern in the amount of men feeling lonely without a partner and women having a partner.

The few autistic men who are married seem to have gone to another country to find a wife out of necessity not preference,cos they tried their home country first.

I think that says a lot. Autistic women don't have to import a foreign husband out of necessity.

So what I'm saying is: imagine how many years of total rejection you'd have to go through,to decide that you'd have to go outside your own country to get married? A lot

Last edited by klanka on 17 Feb 2023, 12:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Making generalizations based on gender should be avoided. I think it’s against the rules anyway. It’s not helpful because the world is a huge place and many people don’t fit a specific mold.

If a person struggles to get a date, commentary about females as a whole is not necessary.

Stating what women want should be avoided. Instead, people could talk about what most people seem to want.

Making distinctions based on gender, claiming that posters’ opinions don’t matter because they are in some minority, and claiming that groups of people have it easier should all be avoided because they exclude many who post regularly on this forum and they give a false picture of reality.

The reality is that most people can and do find someone no matter what they look like.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 17 Feb 2023, 1:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.

“Importing” foreign spouses is not a necessity for anyone. (If people find love in a different country, both people are marrying a foreign person. One person isn’t importing the other, like lumber or wool.)

Many people do find love online and marry people from different countries. That’s true.

Not many people here have actually married “foreign spouses.”

That’s untrue.

I didn’t say they did.

If people actually eat popcorn while following this thread, it’s our fault for perpetuating it.

I wasn’t responding to Twilightprincess. I was responding to the fact that there’s a stereotype out there which states that autistic men must look for “foreign spouses” because of difficulties finding spouses in their own country.

Gender does not matter. We are all equal.

And being pansexual I'm attracted to anyone who I fancy who is adult. Whether they are male,female,nb,gf etc.
I'm attracted to the look of their face and their personality. Honest and trustful is also what I look for.
Added bonus if they are alternative/emo/scene/goth/punk as a preference but not a requirement.

Instant turn offs will be:

Looks:very obese as they face shape will change.
I'm not keen on balding(however bald is fine),wrinkles or grey/white hair to be honest.
Or generally looking old. It's rare for me to fancy someone 60+ unless they look younger.
Age itself doesn't bother me as long as they are adult.

Personality:
If they like negative rumours/drama/gossip I'll instantly reject them. So are constant liars. So is a toxic negative person. Same goes for bullies.

Nope. Not a pansexual. More like a heterosexual with demisexual characteristics.

Can’t look at a man’s face, and feel romantic.

I’m a pansexual demi.

I don’t have a lot of experience, though. I was married once which was an unpleasant experience (to put it mildly). Other than that, I’ve only dated a couple of people.

I agree that many men come here because they feel rejected by women. That's why I have always made a point of trying to help them feel better about themselves. I've tried to befriend the men here and boost their confidence or at least commiserate that it must be difficult approaching women, when feeling socially awkward or especially now with cyber-dating where it's all so superficial. I get it. I have sons. One is on the spectrum and he's the age of these posters. My best friends are autistic men. My brother (my hero) is an autistic man, although undx. My dad was autistic. I love autistic men and I have a lot of empathy for what they're going through. That's why I try so hard to help. Unfortunately, you said yourself that "vitriol" spills out in response.

What you don't seem to realise is autistic women face a lot of rejection in dating, and then they come here. How is it that men haven't noticed that? I'm asking sincerely. How is it not categorised as "rejection" or a difficulty in dating, when autistic women talk about their troubles? Many of the women here talk about difficulties having a family, a relationship, or sex. We were bullied in school or socially ostracised, so we don't have the confidence to meet and trust partners -- just like men describe. On top of that, we're vulnerable to pregnancy, single parenting, violence, abandonment, and cybershaming.

I've read countless stories of WP women being assaulted by partners either emotionally, physically, or sexually. I've read about boyfriends, husbands, or even strangers using them for sex, or in my case using me for money before cheating with men and leaving me alone and autistic so I could work full-time with a six-month old disabled baby -- and then suing me repeatedly for 25 years. I've read women posters describe body shaming they experienced by their partners calling them fat or undesirable, even when they were pregnant, or wanting them to measure up to some kind of porn star /slash/ virgin standard set by the media. I've seen women members report that their partner is verbally insulting them, berating them, or drinking too much, and they're hiding in the bedroom afraid to start an argument. One said her partner couldn't stand her meltdowns so he put her in hospital before having an affair and asking for divorce. One says she can't marry her partner because the government will take away her benefits. She can't make rent as it is. I've seen male WP members post screenshots of their conversations with women and insult those women as whores. Other members call us frigid if we aren't doing it by 30. Do you think this type of exploitative crap doesn't happen to autistic women in "the real world", too? Is it only on Wrong Planet, and if so why is that allowed? Autistic women aren't a special, protected subclass exempt from discrimination, judgment, and gendered abuse.

One woman member disclosed having pain with sex and she was told by the men to put butter in her twat, or to just relax and have sex. One talks about the cultural bias against autistic women where they live, and the difficulties they've faced finding a romantic partner without being played, ghosted, or hurt for being naive. One wrote about her loneliness trying to find a partner, while watching her friends get married one by one. She chronicled her dates and finally concluded she's given up looking because she's "too old" in her 40s. She thinks the difficulty in finding a partner has been, in part, because she's too intelligent. Many of the autistic women on WP say they refuse to be financially dependent on anyone, and yet they're struggling to support themselves. We talk about families and relationships destroyed by infidelity, alcoholism, drug use, and partners who walk out on our children. We talk about communication challenges and sensory struggles on dates, and ask how to meet partners who don't just want us for one thing.

I've talked about the fact it took me nearly 20 years to date after my last boyfriend because of violent SA, requiring extensive surgery and inpatient trauma care. I don't recall any of the men here encouraging me to trust men again, wishing me well in my relationship, or even inquiring how things are. Does it occur to anyone that I might want dating support too, or that I might have questions for men about my own love life? I'm afraid to ask for help, even though I've made it very clear about the struggles I've been through. When men refer to struggles in L&D I notice. I check in with them and encourage them. Unfortunately, it's not a reciprocal behaviour because this doesn't happen for the women. We get told over and over again that we have it easy, and any man would love to shag us if we'd just use OnlyFans, or swipe the right direction (which one it is, I have no clue.)

I think many of the men here also forget that not all women members are cis and hetero. There are transmen on the forum who talk about wanting to kill themselves because of relationship struggles and body dysmorphia, or coming out to their partners. These threads are never taken as seriously as the ones by cis men. There are afab non-binary members being told what they probably like or don't like in bed, by male members. Lesbian members have made threads about how hard it is to form relationships with other women, or to be accepted in the workplace without misogynistic or homophobic bigots cracking jokes at their expense, on company time. I haven't seen any recognition that these are "women's struggles" in an L&D context. Please don't suggest all non-cis members need to use the LGBTQ threads for dating problems. We are all people and we are all equal. Those members can post wherever they'd like about their struggles. It would be nice if more people were willing to respond and support them, wherever it's put.

It's taken for granted that we will support and encourage men, but they seldom do it for us except in the odd case of mansplaining, or patronising behaviour which reduces us to angels or whores. If and when women are treated with respect we're suddenly treated like men, as if we've joined the boys' club and are no longer attractive.




I'm sorry to hear that.




It's not just about criticism. It's also about a promotion of sexual or gendered stereotypes. Some women are underweight or they discuss eating disorders and unrealistic body-type expectations in the media. I don't see many men step in support them to love themselves how they are. Men still talk about porn and all the things women can do with their bodies, to please men. Yes women might like watching porn too, but if we say that we're often perpetuating the slut stereotype. It's not worth it to try and have a voice.



Thank you.



If so, why discuss it? If men know they are being bitter, why don't they stop?



You'd be surprised. I'm not appreciated. I'm not trying to have a pity party, but I've experienced years of criticism from people saying they don't want my opinion, calling me "SJW", assigning some sort of political motive to my comments, and even gaslighting or shaming me. I've been heckled everywhere from The Haven to the Women's Forum, on PM, and even by email.



Why do we need a subcategory for women? This is a site for men and women. There are subforums for mental health, for Love and Dating, Parenting, LGBTQ etc., and all of these suit the purpose of supporting women as they stand. I don't know of any specific subfora for men's mental health yet it seems to be pervasive site-wide, and people of all genders reply.




Why is it a simpler topic? Dating isn't the only topic in men's mental health.




See above. Trauma is the reason many of us have difficulty "getting into" relationships. Until and unless that is taken seriously, women won't be treated as reasonable or valued members on this site.

Dating can be really difficult when you’ve been through trauma. I’m still suffering physical and emotional effects from what I’ve gone through, so I can relate to what IL is saying.

Getting a date isn’t the end all-be all. If a narcissist sets their eyes on who they perceive as an easy target (as many people on the spectrum are), it’s hardly a big success even if the individual didn’t have to work hard to get the relationship.

Life is not like some happily-ever-after Disney movie. There are worse things than being alone.

Dating and finding decent partners is hard. Period.

You must have missed the Haven threads where I was called a snowflake and drama queen.
People said that "picking their nose" was more interesting than my problems.

It's a shame no one asked how you are recovering from your s.a. I think we assume that if someone is suffering they will make a thread in the haven but not everyone does that.
I wouldn't describe what I had as a marriage, a marriage is where both people have the best intentions for each other. So I don't count myself as ever being married. It lasted a long time unfortunately, and was abusive.

Yes I think that the main thing autistic women suffer is abuse , and the men.. rejection.
Autistic men can often get involved with abusers too.
I do remember a few threads of autistic women wanting to date but we're unable.

I do actually like intelligent women so I don't think that was the lonely woman's problem. Like when I talk to female doctors lawyers or dentists it is quite cool. Their intelligence isn't unattractive at all.

I think they come here to get that mythical piece of dating advice which is going to help, often the answer is to direct them to go to a distant country to get married,as that is the only option. The high profile male members of this forum who are married....are mostly married to foreign women. If that's the only way a man can get companionship then that's just what has to be done.

I think there's a lot of attempts to help women here that don't fall into those categories. There is some negative stuff like you say though.
Could you give me a link to the thread where you were attacked and called boring?
I'm going to search for it but the search thingy isn't that good.

Not saying women don't have problems with men but there are a lot more posts of men saying "I feel lonely, I can't find a girlfriend" than women saying that about a boyfriend. Usually women here have had boyfriends but have been mistreated by men, while usually men here have never had any girlfriends and are feeling lonely and behind their peers.

I think that's what the others in this thread are trying to say.