Advice about an Aspie Ex

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hi,

I met a man in the Fall of 2021 who I now realize is an aspie. We dated for a short while, and he put a lot of effort in (he woo'd me, I met many of his friends, he included me in his special interests). I was dealing with some stress and anxiety around my living situation and wasn't sure where I wanted to be geographically, and I felt it was also moving too fast, so I ended it. Unfortunately it was over text. I apologized the next day when we say each other in person, and he agreed to talk about it. But then he texted and said he re-read the texts and felt 'this wasn't the right relationship for me right now.' And it ended. I tried to get in touch so we could at least talk about things, but he blocked me and remained no contact for another month, when he apologized. I had then moved to another country. We were loosely in touch via email. Fastforward 4 months later and I was back in town. We met up for coffee to catchup, the coffee shop closed so we ended up chatting in my flat, and he kissed me after sharing how he understood how he had felt months earlier and what had happened. We made love and it felt really real. We agreed to chat about it. Then he texted and said he wanted to take things slow. I shared that we should try to date but maybe date others as well so we can decide if we are compatible. He then shared he had just started dating someone and 'she probably wouldn't have been happy I made love to you.' I left it to him, and he said 'I don't think this is the right relationship for me right now'. He did the same thing -- blocking me etc for months. We were then back in touch months later and enjoyed video calls and phone calls. We had agreed to meet up while we were on holiday in the same area but he freaked out and said he wanted to spend more time with his kids (he's divorced). Another period of no contact/blocking, and I reached out this past Fall, and we shared some emails and progressed to calls and video calls again. He had regained his comfort level and suggested we meet up when I was back in town (he set out multiple days), and ended up buying me a ticket to an event for his special interest. His special interest involved a change of clothes but I was jetlagged so I asked if I could attend in streetclothes and just support him. He said yes. He also mentioned his 'friend' would be there (my intuition was that this 'friend' was a casual person he once dated -- this ended up being correct). Once I arrived this friend appeared really cold so I sort of left them alone and socialized with others at the event. I ended up speaking to a man (who was fairly attractive) for a long period of time and my ex came up to us once in an awkward way and then a bit later we caught eyes and he seemed frustrated I was still chatting with this guy. I then went over to my ex as we had planned to leave to get dinner. There was an awkward interaction with the 'friend' and as we gathered my things I asked if they dated (he said 'ages ago but we are best as buddies'). He seemed a bit off. We went to leave and he said he wasn't hungry any more and wanted to go home. It became more heated because I didn't realize he had ASD and I asked him to take some deep breaths but he responded saying I was being condescending. I went to touch his arm to calm him down and he flinched (now I realize this was a meltdown). He wasn't clear what train were on and gave me the wrong directions. I eventually got off and took an Uber. I tried to text and email and he got more angry. I then asked if perhaps this was a meltdown and if we could talk about it. He didn't answer. A few days later I called and he picked up -- it was calm and I apologized and said I would try to adapt and if we could chat about it. He apologized too, and then said "I don't know if you are good for me." I wasn't sure what this meant. He said I should 'check in in a few weeks' -- this would be when I wasn't in town any more. He has blocked me on everything again. Now that I'm learning more I'm trying to move forward and hope he can trust me enough to know I can accept him as he is. This was the first meltdown, and I imagine he was triggered by lots of things at the event -- maybe me speaking with another guy or maybe the 'friend' being awkward (she may not have liked that he invited me, but his invitation suggested he wanted me to enjoy his special interest with him/didn't see an issue as he didn't see her romantically and made that clear).

Ok so I'm new to this. I'm trying to read as much as I can. I do love him, and it feels like a deep connection. I want to be someone who 'gets' him. I'm realizing how much of his behavior over the last 18 months makes sense now, and how to adjust.

Any thoughts -- either on what his perspective may have been, and what I can do now, and what to keep in mind?

thanks
ami

doesnt sound like autism to me.

blocking all the time, always has a girlfriend. He doesnt seem to be lacking in social skills.

men with ASD can have girlfriends or serial date. He blocks when he's overwhelmed and unblocks.
I forgot to mention that on our first date he didn't make eye contact. He sends me lots of 'facts' via text.
He's highly skilled in one area of his work. He speaks monotonously. He doesn't express empathy in the typical way.
He takes many things literally.

To be honest, this is a case “wanting his cake and eating it, too” on the part of the guy.

I wouldn’t tolerate a relationship where I get blocked all the time. And having to meet his other lover in gatherings. Then he getting upset because you’re talking to another guy.

If you were a guy and he was a woman, it would be a cuckold situation.

No way! I would be out! I couldn’t put up with that stuff.

I guess you have high toleration because you dig the guy for some reason.

I’m still puzzling over why you thought it was a good idea to break up with him in a text.

At any rate, it sounds like he was jealous that you were talking to other guys which is concerning. It’s controlling. I don’t think the problems here are autism-related even if the way he expressed himself was on some level.

He doesn't sound like a catch, on any level.

Hi -- it wasn't his lover. They dated after he and I dated, briefly. I wasn't particularly bothered by it (because he introduced her as a friend and was clear in terms of his body language that he was over it/invited me that evening and had a plan for us to catchup after despite her seeming continued interest/annoyance).

It wasn't a good idea to end it over text -- I was overwhelmed and regretted it. Yes he has been jealous even when we chat, when I mention another guy in passing, and has shared it upsets him. Others times I mention friends etc and its not an issue. My sense is that he had a plan for me to join in on this activity. I didn't join in and he didn't realize how much it would upset him, on top of maybe not realizing that i was talking to another guy. It probably didn't help that his 'friend' may have complained about me being there etc (that was my take on it) and its likely he didn't consider that inviting someone he liked (me) to an event where someone who liked him still (her) would be there was a bit of a pickle/would add to existing overwhelm. He made it clear after we left that they were friends, that he did like that she had the same special interest, but that she wasn't otherwise attractive to him (hence why he ended it -- I suggested he find some friends he can enjoy the activity with without the additional drama).


I just wish he would reach out so we could talk about this.

Last edited by ami33 on 15 Feb 2023, 7:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don’t know. I’d probably count my blessings and move on.

There’s some obvious red flags here. Having autism is no excuse to behave this way in this situation IMO.

I dont think this is the right move. It seems I'm missing something and I'll get clarity with time.

Whether he is aspie or not does not make it ok for him to set rules for you to follow but that he doesnt seem to follow himself.
You have been overly accomodating.
He sounds more like a narcissist. Very controlling and inwardly focused.
Take care.

https://www.thehealthyjournal.com/faq/w ... nblock-you

I suggest you run quickly in the opposite direction and don’t look back. Even if he has ASD he’s a jerk.

Last bumped by ami33 on 18 Feb 2023, 2:36 pm.