7 Insecurities that I overcame
Today, 7:22 am
I'm a straight male on the spectrum who was very inexperienced romantically and sexually in my 20's. A late bloomer. I had anxiety, severe depression, poor social skills, etc.
I felt like women would not be interested in me because of the "flaws" that I had. I felt like any woman would instantly rule me out based on these things. (This limiting belief of mine wasn't grounded in any evidence or experience. It was just a speculative fear of what might happen).
I've been going on dates lately, and I have a partner now, and it turns out that literally none of these things are an issue. If a woman is attracted to you and likes who you are, they'll overlook these things.
Granted, most people you won't be compatible with, but by sheer numbers, you just talk to lots of people until you find the niche of people who are attracted to you.
1) Living with parents. Logistically, this may be an issue if the other person also can't host. But overall, if the person is really attracted to you, they would love to have you over their place. (Also, with cost of living how crazy it is, people in general are less judgmental about it than, say, 10 years ago)
2) Not finishing college. I dropped out and this was a huge insecurity of mine. I've dated educated women with masters degrees, and none of them judged me. They will get a sense of your intelligence and curiosity through your conversations.
3) Having a basic job I've worked super-basic jobs (line cook, retail, construction) etc. There's this dialog on the internet (usually by people who don't have a dating life) that you need a career to impress women. I know so many people with basic jobs that have active dating lives. As long as you're working and have goals - and aren't just playing videogames 12 hours a day - most women won't care what you do.
4) Having a few extra lbs. It's true that losing weight can make more people attracted to you, but some people will find you super attractive even if you have a few extra lbs. I was very overweight and lost most of the weight I wanted to, I have insecurities about my stretch marks and muffin, my muffin top, etc. I had this fear that a woman would like me, but then be disgusted when I took my shirt off. Guess what, that never happened. Lots of women like dad-bods.
5) Lack of dating experience. If a woman asks me why I've never been in a long-term relationship or why I've had few partners, I decided to just be completely honest and own it. I say that I had social anxiety in my 20's, resulting in me not asking people out. But I've since improved on that. (I expected women would judge me for this, but most women are actually really happy for me that I've improved)
6) Lack of sexual experience. Sex is less about technical skill and more about communication and caring about the other person's needs. You don't have to be an expert. You can just ask them what they like, and have lengthy conversations about that. Consent is important. Foreplay is important. Kissing, cuddling, etc. If you get those basic fundamentals down, the rest is easy.
7) My "size". I'm average; I always felt like I was too small when I was a virgin, but then women have told me I'm the perfect size. So I've been holding on this fear for many years for nothing. Straight women and gay guys know what the average size is and that most guys fall into the range. But straight guys have a skewed perception. (I also had this fear that if a woman ever saw me flaccid, she'd judge me. Yet that's happened a few times and I was never judged on that. If anything, they love to make it grow.)
So, tldr, you won't please everyone. But the people who would judge you on minor things are just the ones that were never really attracted to you anyway. And the people who are attracted to you, won't care as long as you're a decent person, you take good care of them and you have some goals in life.
Dating is really a numbers game. You just have to meet lots of people. If you met a few people who don't like you, don't be discouraged.
Men with these insecurities tend to be inexperienced. They have speculative fears of how they might be judged for these things. When it's not actually even been a real problem that has affected them yet.
I just made this post to help guys who were in my position (single, inexperienced, depressed, anxious, etc). I just want to let you know that there are people out there who will love you for who you are.
