Autistic partner is withdrawing

Post Reply New Topic

Hi,
I've never joined a forum before in my life, but I just really need some advice.
My boyfriend and me have been together for about 10 months now. He told me from the start that he's autistic and there have never been any issues, he has had days in the past during which he just didn't feel like hanging out and would rather be completely alone, which I have always supported and understood.
Last week though, I noticed that his texting style had changed from very affectionate texts in general and very lovely good morning and goodnight texts to more distanced texts and me sometimes not even getting a reply. I am used to him sometimes forgetting to reply to me, which is not a problem, but this has been happening way more often during the past week and a half. I was quite confused about that and because I overthink I lot I immediately thought about if I had upset him in some way, after thinking about it logically I just couldn't find a reason why I could have upset him. I ended up thinking that the reason might be stress because of uni, a new role at work and lots of friends who all wanna communicate with him as well as new people in his student accommodation. Yesterday I decided to bring it up though, because I was subconsciously still thinking that I did something wrong. Then he replied, that he's currently feeling "emotionally numb" and that he's not feeling any feelings for me or anything in general due to the stress he's been experiencing. That hurt a lot, since I haven't experienced anything like that before in our relationship. I told him that I'd be there for him no matter what even though I can't help him much apart from giving him some space.
I'm currently doing my best to not panic and overthink, that his feelings for me might not return, but I gotta admit that my mind is racing with negative thoughts.
Does anyone have advice, how to handle a situation like this? I'm sorry for the rambling, but I don't know what to do with my thoughts, I'm scared tbh.

That sounds like burnout.

^ agreed.

I get like that when I'm really overwhelmed...withdrawn, detached and generally numb in a not so comfy kind of way. I never mean anything personal by it when I go on 'hide mode' from others. I really just need to take care of me and regroup. I know it has really hurt and worried my ex's. I hate it that I do that, but sometimes I have nothing left in me.

I can't speak on what would be the right thing to do in your case, I mean, I'm just some random person on the internet who doesn't know either of you. But my best guess is to do what you're doing. You're respecting his needs and giving space and trying to reach out for support for yourself now to manage how this is impacting you. That sounds perfect to me. I say good on you for both of these things. And I hope things get back to normal for you two sooner than later. I know how hard it is when you hit rough spots in relationships. Really, I hope you find ways to care for you until all is alright again.

Depression?

Well if things don't return to "normal" within a reasonable period of time, you probably need to move on. But it's probably too soon yet to know.

You could ask him whether there is anything you can do to relieve the stress.
Some of us have trouble remembering appointments and driving somewhere.
Having a partner who will take time out of their day to drive us somewhere may be a great stress reliever.

There was an episode of Big Bang Theory in which Sheldon admitted he knew how to drive but it was so much easier when someone else was the driver.

Picking clothes to wear can be another stressful issue. Maybe he needs some new clothes and doesn't want to deal with it? There were times in my life in which I literally couldn't find clothes that would fit me.

Could be he's just not that into you anymore.

Many people (not just austistic people) who find themselves in an unsatisfactory relationship but do not want to deal with the drama of ending it will try to let it die a slow death, until the partner can no longer take it and is the one who breaks it off.

There is a lot of "it's not you, it's me" in what he is saying to you. And that's not great.

Thank you for all the answers so far, he broke up with me today and said that he basically has been feeling like that for some weeks now. He couldn´t give me a reason, he also doesn´t know why he has lost the romantic feelings. It all went so fast, when I was at his place the last time, which was Monday last week, everything felt normal, it just feels so unreal that it´s over now. He still wants to hang out with me and stay friends, which I would also like to do. It might sound a bit desperate, but I´m still kinda hoping in the back of my head, that it´s all just related to autistic burnout. I just feel so hurt and empty right now, especially because I moved abroad two months ago to be closer to him and everything seemed fine until last week.
I´m just gonna try to deal with it and take care of myself.

Hope you've been doing okay OP

i assume he was the one that asked you out, hit on you

@WantToHaveALife
Yeah, he was the one who contacted me first and hit on me.

@honeytoast Thank you, it's a very delayed reply, but I've been doing more or less okay, it's been a bit of a ride emotionally.

I am sorry to hear of your break up, OP.

Perhaps the dude cannot feel romantic when he is so busy with all of the other things going on his life right now. Perhaps he is overwhelmed, unable to feel for you as he has done in the past, and doesn't want to leave you hanging, so has broken it off for both of your sakes?

At least you know where you stand now.

@blitzkrieg
Yeah, I'm glad he didn't leave me hanging and pretend.
I just think he doesn't have the energy for a romantic relationship at the moment, he did tell me recently that he's still very sexually attracted to me.

My boyfriend also seems to be withdrawing me as well

The last couple weeks, we have talked about getting together and then he bails by saying that he's not feeling well. However, he's been going through a rough time and facing other unfortunate events.

However, it's always hard when someone seems to talk to you one minute and then drops off the face of the earth like that. Ghosting sucks