My brother STILL has issues with me getting married and...

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So you’re telling her her first time with a man will likely result in a disaster. Great advice. What is your experience? Are you speaking from experience?

And yes I’ve been reading the posts, and yes I agree that advising a woman to ask a man to have a vasectomy before they first have sex is a damned ridiculous idea.

There’s a lot of the blind leading the blind here.

I think some posters can dwell start philosophising a bit too much over a relatively simple act. The average age for losing virginity is 17. People lose it in all manner of ways in whatever place is most convenient, back of a car, the woods, at home and with people who they known for years or minutes beforehand. Average age for kids is 30. As for getting married, pressing ahead too quickly can be very off-putting to men, it certainly is for me that's for sure.

The brother problem is beyond the point of reasoning with him and he just needs to be left alone for short periods of time so he knows she's serious and he's put back in his place.

There are MANY reasons why I have held off on sex for so long

First of all I am scared of pregnancy and STDs

I also am a little apprehensive of getting a Pap smear

Secondly there is a lack of opportunity right now unless it was done at Day Program but I would land myself in hot water if I even TRIED it!! !

Hence part of why I want to spend the night with a man on weekends

Finally I have been waiting until marriage

But what if I never get married?

I don't wanna be a real-life 40-year-old virgin!! !

I DID have my chance as a teenager for sex but I just couldn't go beyond the passionate kissing!

Yes and no,I wasn't fixated on or desparate to have sex my first time...BUT I have been in such need of sexual contact with someone that I have been willing to have sex with just about anyone I could, and those times were in fact disastrous and extremely regrettable on both sides...any more questions?

Last edited by DanielW on 13 Mar 2024, 10:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

Sorry if you thought the post was directed at you, it was sort of for everyone.

Seeing you're in your 30s, I honestly wouldn't worry about getting married. Waiting until marriage is a bit of an old leftover religious relic from the past. While people certainly can wait until marriage and it's up to them, it was traditionally more directed at younger people. Being 30+, you have free reign to throw a lot of caution to the wind, you've certainly been patient that's for sure.

STD's can be easily prevented with condoms and pregnancy can be mostly prevented with them but getting an alternative like a coil or implant helps moreso.

Like I said, I would try and find any chance to get out of your house for a day.

All I need to do is wait and see if Jonathan asks me to be his girlfriend!

And if we have our first kiss when we see each other this weekend

That will prove that he is attracted to me on a physical and deeper romantic level beyond the friend zone!

Then we can start spending the night at each other's houses...and the real fun begins

Even if you do get married you could still visit your brother, like you'd still be family.

Idk if you need to explain that you're not abandoning him by pursuing your own goals. And also is he disabled and like relies on you for anything specific? or he is just afraid of how things could change?

Exactly my point

I tried to explain that to him but he JUST WON'T LISTEN!! !

The latter

He is scared of change!

It'll be worth seeing how it goes this weekend for sure. I wouldn't read too much into his behaviour just yet though.

I am concerned that your brother may be less independent than you, and fears he won't be able to manage on his own.

Who is responsible for basic living functions where you live, for example cleaning, laundry, preparing meals, getting groceries? What kind of help, if any, are you getting, and who is helping you? I would need to understand better before knowing how to feel about your situation.

I think it should be possible for you to have a boyfriend without completely moving out.

He can very much so survive (and even THRIVE!) on his own it's just that without me being here he will get bored and lonely unless he decides to seek out friends or a partner!

That is the crux of the ENTIRE issue!! !

We both are but he is the one who does most of it

We get help from Cathy, Raina, Community Compass (Day Program) and Valley Mountain Regional Center (VMRC)

You don't owe any one here an explanation. "Norms" are irrelevant to what fits you best and what keeps you feeling safe.


These are entirely relevant fears. Especially because people can be deceptive/dishonest (example: lying about past sexual relations, or 'stealthing'). A decent sexual education, safe sex practices, and having real trust with your partner drastically decrease these risks.


You're 31 and haven't had one yet? We need to drop kick your Doctor. Generally they start you with that at 21. If you're generally healthy and not having sex it may get pushed back, but you really ought to be having them done now.

They are awkward first and foremost. There can be some cramping with them but otherwise are easy enough. I was much more worried about sex hurting than my first pap


It's fine to wait until marriage if that is what you really want to do. I think most people generally want to know if they're sexually compatible before pledging to spend their life with someone. Sex isn't end all be all, but if it's always bleh it can really damper a relationship. Rushing because you're scared of being a 40 year old virgin wouldn't be good. Its best to do what feels right for you and not go off fear...or even over excitement(though plenty do the latter)

You said your brother is also on the spectrum before didn't you? Change is be hella scary. I don't blame him for that. Test drives of him being alone for short stints ought to help ease him into it. You could also start to look for someone that could be a roomate/friend for him now. If possible, then have them move in with you two before you were to move out for awhile. Doing something like that would probably help him acclimate.

I think you could date one or more guys, and even have intimate relations with them, if that's your choice, without moving out.

However I'm genuinely worried about what happens when Jerry shows up.

That is just so hard to do and would be MUCH easier if I either lived with one of them or stayed at one of their houses overnight!

Believe me, I WANT to be intimate with a man

Maybe not full-on sex until I go to the OBGYN for the Pap Smear just to get everyone off my back about this but touching and making out for SURE!! !

It has been so long

I miss kissing a guy on his lips (and vice-versa)

As for Jerry I know the easiest and simplest way to get rid of him without having to do it all myself

If Jonathan asks me to officially be his girlfriend this Sunday AND we have our first kiss...then I will have to say good-bye to Jerry!

However I still think Jerry needs to be given a chance to prove his worth

OK so who the heck is Jerry and Richard?