Oh dear. I rushed into things.

Post Reply New Topic

So this year, I told myself (I'm a sophomore in college), I was going to get a real girlfriend, come hell or high water. In retrospect, this might have been a really stupid resolution to make, because I've now got one and I don't know if I want one.

Let me summarize without the drama and long-winded tear-jerking explinations - I met a girl at a party, we hit it off. We come from similar backgrounds (Irish Catholic) and both of us are not exactly happy at college. So I gave her my number and she kept calling me, text messaging me, just in general showing interest. "Cool," I said, "this girl really likes me." So I did what guys do in such situations, and asked her out, which meant, in her mind, that we were boyfriend/girlfriend.

Problems? Well, now I'm getting to know her. We have a good time together, but we're still nervous as hell around each other, and it's very obvious we're just... skittish. I'm beginning to suspect I'm her first relationship of any consequence, and while I've been in "things" with girls in the past, this is the first time I've committed seriously to an official, publically announced boyfriend/girlfriend thing. One kid with Asperger's and one kid who's in her first relationship does not a good combo make - and to top it off, she keeps saying over and over again how much of an anti-intellectual she is, and I just feel like screaming every time she does. I wail, 'she has low self-confidence and is turning to you, who has presented himself as an actor and a bizzare caricature of himself in previous occasions, because she wants someone to keep her in line,' while meanwhile I'm screaming 'I want someone I can sit around and talk with,' and she's very obviously not the person I can sit down and say "Look, I have Asperger's Syndrome, I can't recall someone's name or face unless it's drilled into me day after day, I can't judge people's emotions by looking at their faces, you may have to tell me what you want before I even begin to understand it, and above all, I don't understand flirtatious gestures."

We haven't done anything beyond making out and all (again, that old Irish Catholic mentality), in case you're wondering if it's a forced bond via sex or something. I just feel a bit like J.K. Rowling's Ron Weasley, dating some girl I don't even love for the sake of dating her. But at the same time, a good friend of mine dated a girl with very different interests and, after months of frustration and sobbing IMs to me, they wound up one of the strongest and cutest couples I've ever seen. But they had a common interest (the theatre, although they both had totally different conceptions of it at the outset) - I don't know if this girl I'm seeing and I even have that.

So as usual, I'm lost. Has anyone ever found themselves "In A Relationship" officially with someone that they're not sure if they really love? How have you dealt with it?

I have done that more times I care to think about but sorry no help hear my way of getting out of it was put up with the person for months after I knew I hated them because I did not want to heart them, then eventual break down an do something that end’s the relationship usually causing much more pain for them in the long run

Ps I don’t date any more I am just not cut out for it

Wow, you just described my first relationship, which took place my freshman year in college. I didn't find the girl very attractive, but because she showed interest in me, I figured "what the heck, it's not like I'll have another chance anytime soon." As so, the relationship began. Although some things did happen, what I was looking for (hint hint) didn't happen. As time passed, I became more and more dissatisfied with the relationship, leading to a somewhat amicable break-up. So although I didn't really enjoy the relationship, I don't have regrets. Any experience is still experience.

Yeah, that's kind of the way I'm dealing with it now - "any experience is a good one," and I sure as hell don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I also don't want to string her along, though - luckily, it seems to me, we're both calming down around each other a little bit, and as a result, the "real her" seems very likable, although she's already picked up on the Asperger's tendencies (I butcher any kind of figure of speech when I get nervous, and can't make eye contact in the slightest, though I'm trying really hard to rectify that), which means I'm going to have to tell her what I've got if I want to keep this thing fair - and hey, if she lets me off the hook because of it, I'm single again, and that's not a bad thing!

Sheesh, is that all guys look for, even Aspie males? Disappointing, very disappointing.

No, that's not all guys look for, but for us, sex is what separates a real relationship from a platonic friendship. I have some female friends, and nothing ever happened with them, which doesn't bother me at all. However, if it isn't happening in a relationship, I start to question whether or not the girl is attracted to me. And no attraction means no relationship.

Speak for your self.

Lionize,
While I've never been in the exact same situation and I'm sure she may be making it a bit difficult for you to talk to her, I think you must. You should tell her how you feel. In this case I'd most certainly say that honesty is the best policy. Anything else would be stringing her along. I'm glad to hear you say you do not want to do that!

And as for Sex defining whether a relationship is platonic or real, well, color me disappointed!! !

Yeah... now I just have to figure out how to do it. Every time I see her, she always says "wow, you're so bad at picking up on cues," or "you don't understand what I mean when I say this," and I kind of chuckle and go "Aheh, yeah, well..." and just can't bring myself to say it. A lot of times she says it when we're around others, and I want as few people to know this as possible.

And yeah, sex defining a relationship? I don't think so. You can have sex with someone without being in a relationship with them, although I don't recommend it, and you can be in a relationship without having sex. Surprise, life goes on!