help not wanted

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One of my professors has been breaking the chalkboard chalk a lot. I noticed this, so I bought some nice chalkholders that would effectively eliminate this problem. When I went to give them to him, he wouldn't accept them. It was a very immediate and definite response, so I was kind of startled. And that response caused me quickly to recheck everything and have to accept the extent of miscalculation then apparent, as he tried to name reasons why he didn't need them. I assured him it wasn't a gift, as might be inappropriate, especially from a female student, and that I didn't understand why no one uses chalkholders at my school, and they get chalk all over their clothes, but to no avail.
But I don't really understand the reason for such extreme refusal of my help. I'm pretty sure I've made a complete ass of myself.

It reminded me of something else that happened recently. I was at a cafe that I don't go to very often. A guy came in and got a drink and after seeing me get my card punched, he asked for a punch card and was told that they don't give out punch cards anymore, they just keep punching cards that people still have. The clerk said something like, "you'd use that up pretty quickly though, huh?" Which communicated to me that he goes there often. So I offered him my punch card which was about half full, and he declined it. I insisted, and he refused, in a way that seemed irritated.

These situations are hard to swallow. I never know how to make connections with people unless its over what I'm studying. I see other people have friends and do things for each other, but in the very rare case in which I actually can think of a way to be helpful, and it is as easy as these things were to do, it is rejected. And it seems like they were refused for silly reasons that had nothing to do with the help itself, but social customs or similar nonsense that I failed to predict would be important to these people.

Did they think I wanted some kind of gesture of thanks in return? In the first case I didn't want any recognition at all. I just wanted to see the machine run better. In the second case, it was reasonable. That card will never be filled in my hands, and I probably will never run into the guy again, so he couldn't ever give me anything in return.


It kind of makes me want to destroy planet Earth.

My first time here and I read your story. It sounds like the kinds of things that I would do. I have no answer except to say that I really don't think you did anything wrong. I also think that other people in the same situation would have been extremely grateful.

We could sit around and think for hours about why the people you tried to help acted the way that they did. With the teacher, maybe you made him feel like you were criticizing him. Maybe at first he thought that it would be inappropriate for him to accept a gift from a student and then, even if he believed that it wasn't your intent to curry favor with him, he didn't want to back down.

With the guy at the coffee shop, maybe he was uncomfortable with the familiarity. It can be uncomfortable when a stranger tries to talk to you-- you wonder if they're maybe unstable or want to chat with you for hours about their cats. I don't know how you approached him but maybe if you made it clear that you weren't looking to become his friend it might have turned out better. If, for example you didn't make eye contact, didn't get any closer to him than you were before you knew he wanted a card, his response might have been less irritated.

One thing I realized many years ago is that there is a risk any time you do anything different from what's expected. You have to admit that your good deeds are out of the ordinary (they shouldn't be, but they are). When you choose to go that way, you take the risk that they will be seen. not as an act of kindness, but as an unusual, socially aberrant act. On the other hand, there is the possibility that someone will truly appreciate your kind gesture. There are people like that out there, and they are worth knowing.

There is a well known saying, "no good deed goes unpunished." I really don't think you're doing anything wrong. I just think that you have to know that there is always a risk in being helpful.


One final thing. Maybe an act of kindness isn't the most effective way to make a connection with a person. I've found that some of my best relationships started when I asked the other person for something, not vice versa. Then, when you're friends with the person, your kindness can be more appreciated. (And yet, it's funny, don't you think?-- people like that think THEY'RE normal).

I do things like this a lot, always have. It's the way I was raised. You have to be pretty assertive (though not pushy) when doing nice things for people--they are often suspicious that you are doing it with an ulterior motive. It might freak some people out, but there are lots of others who will really appreciate it and it can help draw others to you who are also kind and supportive of other people. It's a good way to be.

The flipside of it is learning to avoid people who take advantage of altruistic natures. It's hard, because most people don't know that they're doing it. It's all about personal boundaries and figuring out where they are.

Anyway. Keep being awesome to people, the world needs more of that.

should i tell him i have aspergers?

There are a lot of people who assume if you do something nice for them unbidden then there must be a catch. It's a sad commentary on things IMO.

Of course there are plenty of people out there that are like that. I can't tell you how many times someone has been extra nice only to use it as an excuse to abuse me later.

aaargh! I so identify with this! Just last Monday I was at the theatre and a guy with a cane was buying 4 beers at the bar, I was behind him in line. When I saw him struggling to carry them I asked if he needed help and he refused, he managed to gather up the beers and limped about 4 steps before he stopped and started yelling for his buddy to help him. I'm still weirded out by that, I wan't trying to do anything other than help, no ulterior motive at all.

this sounds like a simple case of people being difficult and ungrateful because they're just generally like that, or they're not used to kindness from people they don't know. you could destroy planet earth but then you'd have to find the nearest habitable planet in the universe.

People giving things to others they do not have a personal relationship with are seen as needy, approval seeking and worse. Be glad that these offers were not to people who like to use others because giving freely to some people can be a disaster, like a sign saying "chump". These people you mention are probably not terribly concerned about your offers, so don't worry about it, just learn. Sometimes it's best to hold back and not be generous.

"No good deed ever goes unpunished."
Who said that?

"no good deed goes unpunished"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_good_de ... unpunished

then I found this, which has some nice reason in it, even though I'm not "religious":

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-shm ... 53759.html

I am wary of strangers helping me with things like carrying something or opening a door, because it makes things harder if they get in my personal space. If it's someone I know, I have an idea of how they tend to move so I can negotiate my own movements around theirs more easily. But people I don't know are unpredictable and it throws off my coordination even more to anticipate how they are going to move.

I have a punch card to a store I don't shop at anymore, and it doesn't need many more punches to be full. I've thought about going in the store and just giving it to the first customer I see, but I dread having to interact with someone to do that. Just having to explain it and get them to understand why I'm giving it to them seems like too much work, and I figure the other person would act weird about it anyway.