I want to conceal my ASD (vent)

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Last year before my 19th birthday, my psychologist and psychiatrist who were treating me for panic disorder at the time diagnosed me with Asperger's (or I guess it's Autism Spectrum Disorder now.) At first I was very angry, because my brother has severe autism and I put a lot of pressure on myself growing up to be his protector, and I felt like I was suddenly inadequate to take care of him since I had ASD myself. It is strange to me that I flew under the radar for so long, with being so unsuccessful in school, but I guess divorced parents and frequent moving due to increased poverty can do a number on a teenage girl. I've had a lot of trauma in life so far, and I've had my fair share of almost-certain-demise growing up with pneumonia's and frequent PICU stays. So yeah it's logical that an anxious kid will get sh!t grades and have trouble with her peers.

Part of me feels relieved to know I have Asperger's; I can't afford to treat it with therapy or anything, and if someone ever tells me that cutting gluten out of my diet will "cure me" then I may just fling myself off the roof of the wonderbread factory. I meant that as a joke. I feel relieved because it's a lot easier making logic out of "oh my brain just works differently" instead of beating myself up over public social failure again and again. I used to be embarrassed for not behaving like other girls, and not picking up social cues. Now I don't even care, and I feel like being patient with myself in social situations has made it a lot easier to maintain and facilitate friendships at work and in college.

But there's a problem for me there.

I can wave my "Sorry about that I'm autistic" flag to get out of bad situations, but when I do so it's like I'm seen as an idiot or some fragile thing that can't protect itself. I'm not a thing because I have Asperger's; I'm not a child either. I don't like being treated like a child when I work 30 hours a week and get A's in my 15 credit hours (also my diagnosis opened up so much more for me at school and I'm THRIVING!).

For example, the other day the new manager at my job changed the way he treated me dramatically when I told him I'm autistic. His phone went off and it was a very specific pitch that triggers my anxiety and leads to "sensory overload." I told him I needed a smoke break and went outside for 5 minutes. He noticed I wasn't smoking and I told him the truth, which is that I needed to step outside to recollect myself. After that he began treating me like I couldn't handle anything on my own, which I am more than capable of. It was nice initially that he offered me some water, but it annoyed me how every 5 minutes he had to check on me. This same man two days before made an offensive joke about my body.

Another example is that this week one of my close friends unloaded a whole plethora of little things she was upset with me about, and while yes I'm extremely annoyed that I couldn't read that I was bothering her before, she didn't even want to tell me as they were happening because she didn't want to upset me. I've cut out pity friends from my life, because I believe I'm worth actual companionship with sustenance. I have groups of people I'll go out and party with, but actual friendships to me is something I invest a lot of time into. The struggle for understanding and intimacy is still there, but I want to
connect with other people, and I believe one day I will.

I don't want to tell other people I have Asperger's anymore because when I do, the dynamic changes. Whether it is friendships, coworkers, or even classmates, I absolutely hate hearing how "brave" I am for showing up when I have Aspergers. I've survived too much and defied too many odds to be brave for having autism. That is not what makes me brave; being recognized as a person of fortified character for "dealing with" autism trivializes my actual real world achievements.

It's true, ASD does impact my performance, socialization, way of thinking greatly. Yes it's true I see things differently, and yes I am very logically sound in my descisions. But just because I don't understand emotions in myself and others doesn't mean that they aren't there, and it hurts when I go from being the "smartest person in class" (not my own words) to being seen as someone who can't wipe their own ass.

Is it really wrong for me to want to hide being autistic? I won't lie, disclosure has brought me closer to people interpersonally as much as it has pushed me away. But I don't know how to handle other people's perceptions of me, and more specifically people with autism. I'm tired of being that "brave Asperger's girl with the autistic brother," instead of the persevering young woman I was before. I don't want to be seen as the lonely charity case, I want to be respected again.

Anyone else feel like this? Does anybody have any advice for sharing the diagnosis when it matters, and still maintaining respect after?

I can't control what others think of me or their perception of Asperger's, but I'd to initiate a social movement that isn't a quirky Netflix show.

Bravo!

Admirable sentiment, well put.

Man, that was well put! Anyone tell you you write well? I was laughing at the bit about throwing yourself off the roof of the wonderbread factory (I got the joke)

Your post resonates a lot. That said, I think being treated like a slightly addled goddess is better than some of the other stuff you can run into as an autistic person. It's peculiar how many ways it's possible to misinterpret autism.

I think a lot of people with disabilities get treated like this, and feel bad about it. One of the things I find the most difficult to deal with are people who are genuinely nice, and trying to help, but who insist on feeling sorry for me. Sorry does absolutely nothing for me, and I dont' know how to respond to it. Life is too short to feel sorry for myself, so we can't bond over that feeling. I've heard someone with a pysical handicap express the exact same sentiment.

Keep writing, you're good at it!

If your friends are true friends, they won't care about any diagnosis. ASD is not who you are. It may be part of your identity, but it's only a small part. Real friends would know you're still the same as you were before you were diagnosed. My experience with university is that you should just do your time there, make some "semester friends" here and there, and get what you're going to school for, whether it be a degree, a certificate or something else. That part of your life won't last forever. Same with whatever job you have currently. If you have issue with how people are treating you, tell them. If they still don't get it, try to look for a new job. Surround yourself with people who see a person, rather than a diagnosis. Oh, and don't feel the need to advertise that you have ASD unless it's really relevant. Friends and family should know, and maybe co-workers and certain people at University, but not all situations warrant disclosing that.

Yes, disclosing ASD is a tricky business.

Seems to me, it's not so much about whether to disclose, but more about doing it in a way that immediately deals with people's misconceptions and manages their perceptions of one's capabilities.

I'm still working on how best to do that, but I'm thinking any statement of need or deficit should be balanced by a statement of capability. Think of it like selling yourself in an interview.
E.g. "The Aspergers means I have a different profile of strengths and weaknesses to others. For instance, I might have difficulty with... but I do well at..."

And also dealing with others' fear of the unknown, and uncertainty of how to behave around someone with an invisible and confusing disabilty.
E.g. "I have a lot of experience managing my Aspergers, and try not to let it affect other people. Just treat me the same as everyone else, and if something is a problem for me I'll let you know and we can find a way to work around it."

Half the problem is that nobody really understands Aspergers, and it's impossible to explain it properly when disclosing. So all you can do is reassure people that it's not a big deal (even if for us it is), and express only those traits/behaviours relevant to that particular situation, together with a suggestion of how to work around them.

Well, those are my thoughts, probably easier to say here than to put into practice. I tend to get hopelessly tongue-tied when trying to disclose.