I guess I am an accidental a-hole.

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A couple months ago I started seeing a psychiatrist about mood problems, mainly trouble sleeping and being very irritable, which I have dealt with on and off throughout my life. I was expecting to be diagnosed with some manifestation of bipolar disorder based on everything I had read about it.

Well my psychiatrist said she thinks I am actually on the autism spectrum. This came up when I was getting confused and frustrated with her, because she wasn't making any sense. I was also having difficulties with the therapist (they work together). She even had me try taking Risperdal (which is the worst drug I have ever been on in my life), because she thought it would help with the social paranoia and agitation.

At first I thought she was full of it and just leaping to conclusions, but recently I've had more of the same type of experiences I've had my whole life. I feel like everywhere I try to put down some roots, I wind up just making people mad, and it's usually over the most ridiculous stuff.

For pretty much my whole life it has seemed to me like almost everyone is just neurotic and don't even understand themselves. They make no sense and then get mad when you don't just play along. I've been on 5 different forum communities this past year, and on every single one of them, people wound up mad at me just because I was disagreeing with them about something or pointing out things that didn't make sense.

I have thought for a while that maybe I had something like Narcissistic Personality Disorder because most people seem to irrational and stupid to me, and I just find it all to be frustrating and irritating, I spend most of my time alone. This might still be true, but I guess now it is possible that maybe there have been some things I didn't understand.

I find this very unnerving. To be honest it's more comfortable (even if agitating and lonely) to feel like most people are just crazy. The idea that there are somehow types of communication or something that I don't pick up on makes me just feel vulnerable and insecure.

But I have to admit I seem to be pretty good at pissing people off, and I've never been good with friendships. Once in a great while in my life, I meet someone and I just click with them completely, and then they are the only person I need for a social life. When I can't have that in my life, I just feel like I am surrounded by crazy people.

I've recently been an a-hole again I guess because I skipped my last therapy appointment and didn't call to let the therapist know. I haven't called to reschedule it, either. I find her very agitating and feel like she just tries to act stupid on purpose to rile me up. I just didn't want to deal with it last week, so I didn't.

Deep down I don't really feel that everyone is stupid, because this doesn't make sense, given that society would have collapsed by now, among other things. I feel like my brain is attempting to wrap around this new idea, but it's like there is a huge piece missing.

I wish I had more patience.

I get this. I have been trying to correct my false superiority views for awhile now. I always call people "stupid" for the way they act or decisions they make. For not clearly seeing, what to me, are self-evident, indisputable facts of how things are.

Recently, and this may not be you, so don't get me wrong, I've had to humble myself because I've realized I'm not really even all that intelligent. And even if I were, where the hell has it gotten me? I'm not happy.

I also have been this way with people's musical tastes for most of my life. If you're not into metal you're a conforming, positivity-whitewashed drone.

Then I realized one simple thing that I've been repeating to myself over and over when I get like that. People are different. People see different things and like different things, and in many ways no one is smarter than anyone else. Sure some people may have refined certain intellectual skills, and some may have somewhat raw ability more than someone else, but that means very little. And besides, most of the things I'd call people "stupid" for are not intellectual issues at all, but opinions.

This painfully obvious realization has helped me. Instead of looking down at people, I can just see them as different. Maybe even someone I can actually learn FROM even.

Also, people don't always WANT holes poke in their logic. If you really wanna help clarify, try to help them see why you feel their logic is not sound, not take a position of authority and TELL them. If it's not to help someone, then yes that's being an a**hole. The kind I've been many, many times in life. To resist that urge to correct, debate and argue is so very hard. I still can't most of the time. But this is the way I try to see it to help me get better at it.

People being different doesn't really bother me that much, as far as like different tastes in food, music and so on.

An example of the sorts of things that fluster me happen even with my psychiatrist.

At one point she asks me, "Do you ever find that people tell jokes, and you don't realize that they're joking?"

What the hell kind of question is that. How would I even know if that has happened. If someone tells a joke and I don't realize it, then I'm not going to realize that it happened.

So I tried to explain this to her, and she remarked that she liked me because I am funny. Wtf.

So what tends to happen in that sort of situation is that I feel like the person is just messing with me, and I get pissed off.

It seems like I am an a-hole mostly because I have anger problems. I think this happens a lot because it often seems like people are being purposefully ridiculous.

Ok fair enough. Seems similar though.

I find people often respond with things like "you're funny" because they don't know what to make of you and that makes them nervous. Many people have nervous laughter. She may also think you just have a dry sense of humor, something Seinfeldian or something like that.

Your next to last last statement reminds me of being told I'm always defensive. That idea that people are antagonizing you. It's not real. They aren't most likely doing this at all. People are non-confrontational by nature.

Yes the psychiatrist commented that I seemed to have social paranoia. I don't know why my brain is almost always primed for potential provocations.

It is easier to come up with various hypothetical scenarios later on when the moment is long past, but in the moment that things are happening, it is hard for me to fathom how the misunderstandings are even happening. It's like the only two possibilities my brain can come up with are 1. most people are stupid (which makes me a narcissist), or 2. most people are antagonizing (which makes me a paranoid).

Supposedly there is an Option 3 in which there is just something wrong with me. However when people can't explain exactly what is wrong with me, only that I'm not "getting it" in some way, it feels like some sort of gaslighting tactic (which means I have taken up Option 2). So it's kind of self-feeding loop.

I read that and thought to myself that is so me lol unfortunately I have nothing useful to say that will help in this matter. I've just learn to go with the flow and accept that there's just things I'm just not going to understand. I still get mad though but not as much as I did before.

I also noticed people think i'm an as*hole but they find it funny at the same time somehow and that's what some of them like about me (which is weird) I asked someone once why is it that once and they said it's because I have a dry sense of humor. First time I've ever heard of that concept and had to look it up. Im just confused now if people think I'm joking when I give my response lol because I'm really not and actually giving an honest answer. I can't help it if they find it funny

I do things all the time that in retrospect make me look like a total A-Hole...today I walked out of a hair salon because of a comment the stylist made that upset me but was probably a joke (I don't know)...my behavior was inappropriate, but I didn't realize and and I felt terrible for an hour after. This happens several times each day.

Ive gotten very similar feedback about myself. There's a fine line between amusing, sarcastic as*hole and just straight up douche bag type as*hole.

Dry humor relies on pointing out the inconsistencies in the every day world. Many comics have made a career of simply pointing out life's inconsistencies and contradictions. It takes an observant and analytical mind to to this, to some we have this naturally. To others, it;s funny because they "never though of ot that way" but your observation makes them aware of the irony, uselessness, or contradiction in the situation or statement. This incites a laugh or coming off as funny, because that realization is funny to them. To someone like you or me it's like, what's funny about that? Didn't you notice?

I completely agree with you ESPECIALLY on the last part!! ! lol I remember when I was younger I use to think that all the time and thats when I really knew something was either wrong with me or the world. I know a lot of Aspie get the wrong planet syndrome but for me it just felt like I was either living in a different reality or a different plane from the rest of the world. How could they not see what I could see which was something so simple. Is this the matrix and I somehow woken up? yeah I use to shake off the idea and think I was silly for even thinking that the answer must clearly be it's just that these people right here aren't fully aware of stuff or their just stupid. Turns out I kept having this problem all my life until this past Christmas when I found out I had Asperger and everything just fell into place. My life made more sense ever since lol especially when I looked back and starting putting all the pieces together

Thing is though, beware Aspie superiority. For everything you notice that the sheeple do not, they probably notice two right back the other way that YOU do not. Also don't confuse the concepts of intelligence and perception. Two entirely different skills. I went through a large part of my life thinking I was so much smarter than most people because of all the detail I could see. All the steps ahead I could plan, or strategies I could devise. But here, do this 9th grade algebra problem. Uh... Or here, read this book of several hundred pages and write a summary. *Puts book down for good after page 12* My experiences. You may be different. It's good to check yourself to see if you're falling into that because it's false. You may have superior skills in some respects, but in others you get s**t on by most of the public. The same you were laughing at. Again, my experiences. have no way of knowing of that holds true for you.

A person who I found very funny in this way is karl pilkington, mostly in An Idiot Abroad. Not sure if he's aspie, don't think he is at all, but he always made me say, "well, yeah, of course" while other people are like "hahahahahah who thinks of THIS stuff!! !" I've learned to appreciate the humor from the perspective of "THANK YOU! SOMEONE GETS IT" Or, I also appreciate when someone points out something of that nature that I missed, because I do miss even that stuff and it's cool to see someone "thinking".

I know I was never diagnosed, as many here around my age or older, but had that moment where I heard of it by accident, curiously looked it up and just was blown away by how much the dots all started to connect. I mean, I know I still question somewhat if I actually am sometimes. I'm not big on doctors unless I feel I have a condition they can help with. Or i want help with. Or I need "diagnosed". I'm an individual not a diagnosis. It's helpful to know that it's plausible to me. I only care for finding strategies that work for me, and sometimes labels can restrict that. They can also help guide that. But that was WAY off topic.

Oh you don't have to worry about that. I figured that out quickly in high school so I always tend to keep an open mind. Yeah I'm also self diagnose as well. Probably might get one at some point but i'm not in a rush. Did good so far for 25 years with out a diagnosis. Ive heard about it by accident too but I didn't know what it was either, thought the name was dumb, so never pursued to look it up. Months later (this past Christmas) a speech problem that I haven't had in years came up. I was curious as to why was that which also made me remember that I use to be in Speech Therapy when I was younger and I don't remember why. I decided to do some research about my speech problems as well as some other areas Ive been having in my life and for each symptom there was one common diagnosis. Asperger/Autism. Clearly there was no way I was autistic, i'm a perfectly fine human being I don't have any illness (shows how much I knew about Autism) so I kept skipping it until finally at the end of the day when I couldn't find the answers I was looking for as to what was really wrong with me I decided to look up Aspergers for sh*ts and giggles and what do you know, it was the answer I was looking for lol

It wouldn't be as difficult if more people were capable of seeing their own fallacies and issues. But in my experience if someone isn't making sense, is sending mixed messages, expecting you to read their bloody mind, or expecting you to just "go with the flow" even when the flow is illogical or counterproductive, most of the time if you don't just play along, they become defensive and even weirder, and try to spin it around on you.

So then not only are they not making any sense, but they also expect you to just play self-deprecating doormat and pretend like you're just a weird silly-head for pointing out that something didn't make any sense. Like let's all pretend like it really did make sense, while we accuse the aspie of being rude, offensive or difficult, or "stupid".

Sometimes it's like no mfers you really are irrational nutbags. And when people are being irrational and obnoxious, yet ever insisting that you are the stupid one, it can be hard not to push back against it just as much.

That's my experience in a nutshell. I don't get all the bullshyt games most people play.

I know exactly what you, and, he, means. Completely. But even though the differences are frustrating, you're not better, just better in a certain trait. Strengths and weaknesses. We're all different. Sure, dealing with the differences when you are in an overwhelming minority is extremely difficult. And other people lack the understanding, or perception to realize that. But we do. So why not use it? Instead of using those skills to put other people down in your mind (which I believe to be just overcompensating for an insecurity- in my experiences). You can see why the differences are there, they simply cannot most of the time. It's sort of like getting pissed off at the old lady in traffic. Makes sense to get mad a little, but she just cant go any faster. Her reflexes wont allow it.

I guess maybe years of being married to an emotionally sensitive NT has forced my hand in my development in this area. It was a frequent source of friction, but she was gifted in explaining things of the mind and gave me alot of very valuable insight into the mind of the general population. And having loved "one of them" very deeply, I had to find ways to resolve my love and the idea I had that certain perspectives, or lack thereof were "stupid". Because I couldn't possibly love someone stupid, but I loved this woman. And I didn't think was stupid, though did some things and had some reactions I found to be very "stupid". Luckily she did a good job of breaking a lot of those things down in a way I could understand. And this has helped me recognize this false superiority I've always had. Recognizing that breaks down a lot of walls as it pertains to interacting with a world that sometimes makes little sense. Communication becomes much more possible when you aren't half looking down at the people you are trying to talk to.

At least you're not an as*hole on purpose.

It should be noted that something which seems logical on the surface--could very well be fallacious in a de facto sense.