Nobody interested in learning about your special interest?

Post Reply New Topic

I have come to realize that after the years of talking to friends, none of my friends and the people I talk to are ever interested in learning/reading a bit about my special interest (Japanese Mahjong, actual 4 player, not solitaire version). I understand that there's no obligation for them to do so, but I think it would be a nice gesture for them to show interest in what I enjoy doing.

After all, I make the effort to read up a bit on what they like doing so I can have something to ask or talk about the next time I see them, eg Movies, Sport, Shopping, Fashion, Cars, TV shows, Philosophy, Pets.
I make it clear that it's what I love doing and have invited them in the past to play or offer to teach them but NONE of them are interested. They know zilch about it apart from what I told them at the very start and I don't want to just "bore" them with my one sided talk.

My special interest is obscure in the Western World, but there are a few English sources online about it. Surely they could just google it a bit, and it's not like they have to get deep into it, just be slightly more aware of what it is that makes me like it so much.

Why should I bother reading and asking about what other people like if they never reciprocate my efforts or consider about what I like?
I find it annoying and feel like giving up on them. The only people who I can talk about it are those who are already in the relevant forums.

Does anybody have the same problem? How have you dealt with it?

I think sometimes people talking about things is like a newspaper. Most of what people enjoy talking about are the daily headlines about what' going on... what's new, what's the scoop. If they come across a very interesting 'headline" (topic), they'll chat a bit more in detail about it, but will move on to the next thing quickly. There are also sections of the newspaper people skip entirely - some will look at headlines, and read the sports page full through. But how many people read the entire New York Times? So, with your game, they are probably very interested to know that it's something you enjoy, but they don't want to learn more about it. It's just a quick snap choice on their part. Are they possibly missing out on something that they might really enjoy if only they found out more about it -- sure, but for whatever reason, they blank out if you want to chat more about it. Read the headline, thanks! maybe they read the article "heard you talk about it" but don't want to invest their time in 'buying the book' so to speak.

With something like your game, it doesn't change. What can be "new" about chatting about that. They heard your headline - "I'm interested in Mahjong" and will probably be curious what it is in general, but after that - they're done. If it takes too much thought to figure it out, a big percentage of folks out there just don't want to bother - whatever it may be. Watch what it is they talk about - I bet the topics shift pretty quickly or are things that include 'the lastest updates' etc... That's what Sports are like. Do they talk about the ins and outs of football, no. But they do talk about the latest stats of how the teams are doing, rivalries, etc... Your topic just doesn't have that extra dimension to it. Just a thought. I thought I'd reply because I've run into this issue myself. Some of my special interests I just have to enjoy on my own, unfortunately.

I think Innermusic has it spot on.
What you have to do is find a Chinese Association in your town to find players, or maybe play online. Good luck.

Yes I know exactly what you mean!! ! I dont have friends like you have. But for me its just people in general, mainly my relatives. When I meet them I always ask them very politely how they are and what they are up to. People in general love to talk about their own stuff, not only AS people. So if I show interest they keep talking. I ask beause I care for the person and by this care for what they do and what they are interested in
but NOBODY ask me the same in return!! I have NO clue what wrong I do to deserve that, its always like that..

but on the other hand I dont like to talk about my stuff with people I meet IRL, I only do it online with strangers like you and even here I have my limits, so its not that I WANT people to ask but I just wonder why they dont... I always feel so incredible offended because I feel so strong that nobody have interest in my whereabouts....Is it something Im signaling or what?!

and I got a sense that this post was quite off topic.... *whats wrong with me today*

I think people probably don't realize what a big deal it is to you because AS people tend to have one big interest while NTs have a whole bunch of more casual ones. When you want to talk to an NT you have to find out what they're into and then do a bit of looking into it before you can even discuss it with them. NTs don't typically do that. They know what's new on the radio, in fashion, in politics, because it's stuff they pay attention to and pick up in little bits every day. How can they be expected to know what it's like to have to look up all these little tidbits that they take for granted. People have a very hard time putting themselves in other people's shoes and truly understanding deep down what it's actually like.

I've learned that if people are really willing to listen to you talk about something they're not into, that right there is a sign that they really care. Think of it this way: They don't care about the game, and since they're NT they probably have no problems making friends, so why do they listen to you talk about it time and again? Because they know you care about it, they understand that you want to talk about what you enjoy, and they want to be considerate of your feelings and know that listening to you will make you feel good about yourself (I'm sure that's how they see it at least.) Their only motive for listening is because they care, so it should be some fairly solid proof there, I would think.

Good, because I don't like to share anyway.

I have enjoyed casually playing Mahjong once in a while, but I can see how learning about Mahjong might not be of interest to many people. Luckily my special interest is something that a larger percent of the population can relate to so it makes it a little easier at times, but my knowledge on my special interest far surpasses what most people understand on it so I feel your loneliness there, it is like being on an island all alone. Even trying to find a group that shares in your special interest can be a difficult task if they don't take it as serious as you do.

Because normies are self centered.

Only one person even knows what my special interest is. And they have not bothered to learn more about it.

Everyone assumes I like what they like because I make a point to learn more about their interests in order to share it with them. I never get that consideration.

Languages and codes? (That's from your profile.)

Are you going to take a crack at Linear A someday?

It's true that NTs tend to have more varied interests, and focus more on personal talk than special interests. Where people go to school, where they've worked before, if they're raising children or married, etc. It helps people gauge similarity on a social level, I guess. Research sounds excessive to me.

I've never known anyone who studies the interests of others for something to talk about. I wouldn't expect that from someone. With work, my studies, my hobbies, etc, I wouldn't have time or energy to learn various games, languages, or special interests as a talking point myself.

I already did... kind of; I took a class on it in college. Right now, my focus is on Braille and Nemeth code.

I completely understand, i talk about video games almost all the time, its so....frequent that ive been told im boring by my own mother. but im not interested in much else if not anything at all. so theres no changing it, yet they wont give up, i must like other things and if their lucky, ill hopefully do those other things more then video games.

I think that is why the internet was invented, nobody knew anybody who had interests in common with them. that can lead to positive and negative events.

I imagine very few people have heard of one of my current favorite tennis players, Denis Istomin, or know exactly why he is so inspirational to me. Certainly nobody is as interested in finding out everything about where he was born and where he grew up-Orenburg, Russia and Tashkent, Uzbekistan.

On the other hand, I have found many people who share my love of animals. Loving cats is a pretty common interest for women.

I think it's really helpful, if you don't like your special interest (because it's too obscure or taking up too much time), to distance yourself from it.

Let's talk about what a special interest is in the first place: It's something that someone has an intense passion over, right? If we define it that way, then lots of people have special interests who are not autistic. I think that autistic people cling to a special interest because it gives us order in an otherwise tumultuous and chaotic world. This need is expressed through other behaviors I've observed, like the need for "rituals" in a person's life. If I'm right (let me know if you agree), then a person who is not autistic (and does not have this NEED for order in their life) does not have a special interest.

For me, my special interests are escapes from stress (like mental stimming). For example, there was a period where I showed intense religious devotion. When that stopped being a safe outlet for me to express my feelings, I naturally switched to something else. Because I heard other people's experiences with special interests, it leads me to believe that other autistic people have the same experience.

Maybe if you can seek order through another way, maybe the need for the special interest will become less intense.

Like for example I'm rly into D&D and other RPGs, but when I can't focus on my homework, I put the books and schmancy dice under a blanket and just try to clear my head. After about 15 minutes, the urge to engage in the interest diminishes so that I can do something else.

Maybe you could try putting the focus of your interest away for a longer period of time? Eventually, maybe your mind will adapt and cling onto something else. When you recognize that your mind is clinging, find an activity that's also enjoyable. If you do this right (and if my hypothesis is correct), then you should have two special interests instead of one. Then, you will have more things to talk about with people.

Now I know that A$ has told parents to take away the object of special interest to their autistic children, but this isn't the same. You're not doing this because you think it's abnormal, you're doing it because it's interfering with your life.

Abandoning (or limiting) my special interests helped me to get better grades in school, deal with my problems instead of running away, cope with stress in a more healthy manner, and feel more at ease around other people. As an additional bonus, if the topic of interest was not available, I wouldn't get so upset.

Anyway, it's your choice if you want to do that. I wish you luck!