Am I a bad person, all my friendships have ended in conflict

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Long post warning.


I'll start this off by saying I was born female but identify as male, but since I don't take hormones people don't really see me as male, and I wore a lot of skirts growing up due to sensory problems with most fabrics and pants. So 99% of my friends have been female, because I grew up and lived in a small southern town all the way through high school and gender norms there were strict. Most boys didnt want to be friends with a girl.


In elementary school I had no friend due to being labeled the weird kid, the only person who would ever talk to me was my cousin and she moved away when middle school started, we never talked again. I did not have any friends until my second year of middle school, when I was placed in an afterschool program where we would eat snacks, do homework, and play outside. A couple of girls started talking to me and wanted to be my friends.


Well, I have always been obsessive, and my obsession at that time was a boy I liked. I talked about him all the time. The other girls teased me about it, but we remained friends and I ended up having a sleepover with one of them. During that time she stole multiple things from my house, and when my grandparents drove us to the local convenience store to grab some snacks, she shoplifted a lot of merchandise and bragged about it.


The next day she told me she was dating the boy I liked and he would never date me. She started a shouting match in the bathroom and jumped on me to fight, pulling my hair and slapping me. I got more detention than her for fighting back. Well, she apologized and I forgave her, but one of my other "friends" did the same, said she was going to take the person I liked and how I was f*****g ugly.


This girl also beat me up in the school bathroom, punchung me in the face and splitting my lip open. My grandparents thought I was a problem child, because I fought back!! The girl got one of her other friends to text me nasty things, and since it was a small town, they knew a lot about my family. They made fun of my father dying and told me my aunt was going to hell for trying to commit suicide. They threatened to come to my house and kill me. All cause I liked a boy, and he didnt like me back. So he stuck those girls on me to bully me because I was so annoying.


Eventually I was taken out of school the next year and sent to another middle school nearly 40 minutes away, it was our only option. While I was there, I was asked to sit with some girls at lunch, I'll call them Grace and Elizabeth. We all became best friends because we were the "weird" kids, and had the same interests. During summer, I did so much with Grace and it was like I was a part of their family. My happiness didn't last long because I was sexually harassed during my freshman year by an upperclassmen who wanted to be my boyfriend and dated me for two weeks.



It was very subtle and nonviolent, so when I told him I didn't want to speak to him again and reported him to the police, because he had touched me in explicit places knowing I was nervous and uncomfortable. He told everyone I was a liar and a whore. So i was homeschooled for two years because people at school constantly harassed me and wanted me dead. They threatened to kill me too, or beat the living hell out of me. So I got put in homeschool for two years, never seeing or talking to anyone except Grace.



The summer before junior year, Grace' s parents asked if I wanted to go back to school, and if I wanted to live with them so I would be closer and have the support of a family (I have no parents) my grandparents, who already had other kids to raise and didnt seem to want to deal with me anyway agreed and I moved in with them, trying to start my life over again. Things were fine for awhile in my friend group. People were still rude at school, but I had two friends and a couple others who would occasionally talk to me.



During my senior year, things all went to s**t again, as my friend Elizabeth was being abused by her mother and self harming. Everyday at school she would talk about it and Grace and I worried. I didn't fully understand things, or how to empathize, but I knew it was the right thing to do to call CPS, and Grace and her mother made the call after we all talked about it. When the social worker came to talk to Elizabeth, she denied everything and screamed at me, said I was a horrible person and a meddler and I ruined her life.



She said her mother was a wonderful person and that nothing was wrong. When Elizabeth confronted Grace, she denied evrrything and the two went on as friends. Everyday at school I was ignored and treated like I wasn't there. One day I snapped and told Grace's mother what was going on, crying my eyes out. Grace said she didn't want to "pick a side" so she pretty much lied about what happened. She also started frequently yelling at me for trivial things like not turning the light off or not going to bed when she wanted to, or bothering her when she was doing something.


That was my first big red flag. When I tried to talk to my classmates about how I was frustrated with my friends, and told them bad things they were doing to me, everyone told me I was a shittalker and a two faced person. Eventually Elizabeth forgave me, but I still had to apologize for something that I shouldn't have had to, cause the abuse just kept continuing. I wasn't allowed to hang out with her after school or anything anyways because her mom didn't like me for being "too depressing" and other dumb comments like that.


Meanwhile, Grace' s parents demanded that I give them money out of my life insurance (money left when my father died) and made me pay them every month for me to live there. Now, they barely bought food for us, made me wait to take showers, and never bought me clothes or took me to the doctor cause they said they were poor. I told Grace that wasn't right, but she didn't really say much. It got ridiculous to the point where her father came to my class one day and demanded I pay him.


So now I was constantly fighting with her. She got a brand new boyfriend and they spent most of their time together anyway, and the boyfriend got drunk one night and started saying stuff like, if I ever got between their relationship he would drive me far away and leave my body where no one would find it. I was very scared. I would talk online to anyone who would listen, and met someone from the alternative section (basically juvie) of my school.



She had the same interests as me and we started hanging out, because like everyone else, I could only bond over similar interests. Eventually I got fed up with Grace' s family and left them to stay with my new friend the last few months before I graduated. They screamed at me and told me I was a bad person and a piece of s**t when I left, not to mention a pothead and a floozy, and I had never had sex! They stole most of my stuff as well. Grace refused to speak to me after that, and has only recently tried to contact me again.


I thought I would finally have a friend I could trust now, but once again my friendship ended sourly when I graduated. I had my first real relationship start during my last year of high school, and was working 3-4 days a week to support myself on top of that so my friend's parents wouldn't have to. My new friend had an aspie bf who worked at the same restaraunt as me, and was best friends with his sister. She introduced me to them and I felt secure again with reliable people who cared about each other. WRONG



I had a serious spell of depression and barely went to school, I was on track for a 4.0 but it dropped to a 3.8 when I graduated. I was miserable at work. I started smoking (not cigarettes) with my friends and that's how we bonded. I always thought we knew we cared about each other, and that hanging out and smoking was only part of it. I frequently gave all of them rides anywhere the needed to go, made things for them (I sew) and helped them out at work. But that wasn't enough.


One day my friends pet got sick and there was nothing we could do, we made an appointment for the vet the next day but that was all we could do. I honesly didnt know what to say. After a few minutes when things calmed down I asked if she wanted to go smoke and she blew up at me and kicked me out of her room, slammed the door on me, and told me I was heartless and that was all I cared about despite her saying she couldn't live without the stuff and it was all that kept her going.


Right before my graduation, my friend told me to get out of her house, that I was a sh***y person because I spent weekends with my boyfriend (who lived 2 hours away!) Instead of her, and ignored her while I was home to play video games. She had talked behind my back, and then got mad at me when I told her that her and her friends were using me. Said I was two faced because if there was an issue I talked to someone else about it instead of her.


She also said I had no empathy, didnt care about anyone but myself, and that I stole things from her and her friends (which wasn't true, she stole from me, and the only thing I ever took from them was a brush that I offered to give back, when they took my drawing tablet, clothes, and multiple other things) and that I told people too much personal s**t and that I was a crazy Motherf***er or something like that. In all these scenarios, I apparently got too personal with others and shared details about my lives, theirs, especially things regarding me and them, and people didn't like that. I tried too hard to defend myself in confrontations and explain myself.


So, I was abandoned by everyone, and even after I begged her and her group to leave me alone they harassed me on social media, made constant posts about me on Facebook, posted pictures of me with rude s**t drawn over it, and said if they ever saw me again they'd beat the s**t out of me. I didnt go to school again, still graduated, and moved in with my partner. I was set to go to college the fall of last year and needed a roommate, so I arranged to live in a house near campus with someone I'd met online several years prior, and met once at an anime convention. It was really my only option because I tried staying in the dorms and it didn't work for me.



The week school started, she said she didn't want to live with those roommates anymore, and that we were going to move into her parents house. Strange, but okay. Her family is filthy rich, so she didn't want any rent, even though I offered to pay it. I didn't realize till much later that she was subtly taking advantage of me. Her parents house was 30 minutes from school, so I drove her everyday. I rarely did any activities clubs, or went out, because I had to drive her most anywhere she needed to go.


Some nights I would be settled in doing homework, and my roommate and her parents would guilt trip me into taking her somewhere to eat or to go run her errands. One time her mother made me drive her 4 hours away and gave me 20$, after guilt tripping me all day and saying she didn't want to do it. The mother and daughter constantly fought, calling each other fat b*****s, as*holes, and every other insult imaginable.


They would have screaming matches nearly every morning, because my roommate had flunked out the last couple semesters and simply refused to go to school after her parents paid for it. She never worked a day in her life, so I was appalled at how she spoke to her family. She would always say she was sick and fake doctors notes to get out of class, she made excuses to every professor, but a couple didn't buy it, and she started cheating in their classes to stay afloat.


Everyday she begged her parents for more money, and would spend it immediately with no discretion whatsoever. It was horrifying to me. When she did go to school, she started refusing to wait an extra hour for me to get out of class and was spending 30$ on ridesharing everyday, or making her boyfriend drive an hour every friday to get her. So her mother got mad at me for it. I had a serious talk with my roommate about how she needs to put effort into school or quit, speak more kindly to her mother, and she ignored me. I know for a fact that she bullied and harassed peiple online that she didn't like too.


After the semester was over, I left that college. Her and her parents begged me not to, and her mother even said I didn't care about her daughter if I was leaving her behind. I did anyway. We remained friends, but I distanced myself in hopes of peacefully cutting things off, I felt bad because she did spend money on me. Every so often her boyfriend would text me and ask me for advice about how things were going with her, and this week was one of those times. She broke up with him, but immediately started dating another man the same day, and lied to him about it, he had no idea she was dating someone.


So, I told him, because he still had false hope about her and was coming to me for help. I never said an unkind word about her, only that she had a boyfriend, because he was very worried. Immediately afterwards, she sends strangers and her mom after me on facebook, texting me hateful s**t and how I should keep my mouth shut before running it and meddling in others business.


Then she messages me before I block all her accounts and her number, and tells me I'm a horrible person, all those people in high school were right about me and I'm a liar who has no room to talk, how I'm a fake friend and she treated me so good, and that she feels sorry for my boyfriend because I'm a cheating whore or something like that (When this happened over a year ago and my boyfriend forgave me for flirting with someone else because he had done the same when we first started dating. We haven't had any problems since then and I am completely faithful)


The past couple days I have had a complete breakdown because I know she's telling people I'm horrible. I deleted all my social media and no one cares. No one wants to be my friend except my boyfriend. He tells me it's okay, that I'm not a bad person and sometimes bad people take advantage of me but I feel like the bad person my whole f*****g life. I wish I could stand up to people and handle confrontation, I ALWAYS want to be honest but as I've grown older no one wants to be. No one can handle it if you tell them you have an issue to their face. I've had panic attacks and sickness constantly because of those things my old roommate said to me. I cried at work in front of customers.



I have no friends anymote and it's driving me to the point of major depression and wanting to punish myself. I do have issues with empathy. I feel like I am a bad person because I have been nice to someone's face ( like my roommate) but inside my head hate them cause I can't break it off with them. I meddle too much in people's affairs and I overshare, and I just do everything wrong. I feel destined to be alone because I am horrible and I don't know how to socialize properly.

That's probably the root of your problem. It's not really your fault; you didn't choose not to learn the social rules at the same pace as average people do, it just didn't come naturally to you like it does to most people. If you want to prevent these things from happening again, all I can offer as an advice is to keep practicing. As far as I know there aren't any books that would teach all the social tricks after all... or if there is, it has to be the size of the Eiffel tower with how many rules there are.

However, you seem to have had an unusually bad luck with what kind of people you've met, too. I mean everyone meets jerks in their life and most people get stabbed in the back at least once, but from what you wrote it seems you only ever run to these types of people... bad luck? Bad area? Or is there something in you that eventually rubs everyone in the wrong way? Don't get me wrong; even if there is those people have had no right to treat you the way they have. When one doesn't like someone it's okay to limit contact or cut them off if they feel like the problems aren´t fixable, but it's never right to start rumors, throw insults, steal stuff etc. You may have hurt them unintentionally with some social mistakes, perhaps big ones, perhaps small ones, but I doubt you've done anything to them on purpose unlike they seem to have done to you. Sucks, but what can you do about it other than learn to be more careful about who you trust and how you socialize? Probably not much I'm afraid, but don't let that get you down. You already know that your poor social skills must've played a part in at least some of these messes, but you need to remember that they aren't just your fault alone, so you can forgive yourself. Forgive (to yourself I mean), but don't forget so you can learn from your mistakes. Keep your head held high and don't think you're alone; this forum is most likely filled with people who are experts at messing up when it comes to social rules.

It sounds like you have been, and continue to be, surrounded by drama. I find it difficult to believe you are causing the issues. You really need to isolate yourself from those negative people. It is a very difficult thing to do, but ending up with a more peaceful life will be worth the effort.

I know exactly how you feel. I went through the same b/s during those hard years. I learned normal people tend to use and abuse the AS. They view us as weak and use us for our resources all while talking s**t behind our backs, then finally making us the scapegoat for their own flaws when their done with us. I AM A TOTAL LONER now and totally enjoy being by myself. One thing I noticed about you is you need to be very careful in what you say about others to their associates. Don't meddle in others business if you want to be around norms (although it's much better being anti-social, trust me). Like when you mentioned to the BF that she had another boy she hooked up with, BIG mistake there. He called her right away and told her what you said causing an avalanche of backlash against you. You have to watch your mouth. One thing I do is only say basic things when talking to someone about a third assocaite, speak no personal or negative things what so ever; and if you hear some dirt on someone, never repeat it to anyone, even if you think that other person is not connected or would tell. It's a small world out there and somehow it will get out what you repeated or said and twisted in the worst of ways.

Us Aspie's are kind, thoughtful, resourceful people that get hurt again and again. I can tell you literally thousands of situations I've experienced getting hurt by norms. They're not like us, and they don't truly like us except for what they can get from us then throw us away like garbage. I hate to tell you but it's a really sh***y world out there and it's only getting worse for us, especially with the onslaut of normal ass holes and bullies on social media today. I'm so glad there was NO face book when I was growing up in the 90s. Although it was still tough, I still went through so much I've been told by many counselers and therapists they're surprised I hadn't killed myself or had an overdose from all the horrible crap I went through.

Just like this web site is Wrong Planet, we really don't belong here. This world is NOT for any AS or HFA person period. It's somehow hardwired in every Normal persons M/O to use and destroy us. Just like that family making you pay them out of your insurance money. I can guarantee that was their intention as soon as they met you. Another important piece of advice, DO NOT tell others what you have in the bank not even a hint, lie and tell them your more broke than they are and you will see many of those normal using ass holes just disappear. And don't share your personal and or private things and thoughts to anyone even if they seem like they're your BFFF and have told you everything about them. Norms will twist it and use it against us as soon as they get a chance to tell someone else behind your back.

More over you have to be even careful about what you say to another aspie that's being controlled and used by norms or in a norms circle. They are most likely conditioned and trained to the norms back stabbing ways and will hurt you even worse than a normal as*hole would, just cause they know how.

I'm so sorry to be so negative about the world we live in but it's true, you may have one to three true friends your whole life (at least that's what "they" say). I still haven't found even a ONE. Every so called friend I've ever had has screwed me over time and time and time and time and time again and time and time and time..... a million ....and time again. It's like were the very few angels left around in a world full of selfish using evil devils. I by no means hate anyone. I still love everyone as much as I can. I just despise they way the are to us Asperger Sufferers, it's so f-ing unfair.

As you can see I've been through A-f-ing-LOT of needless hurtful relationships and mishaps. I have so much more to warn you about and wouldn't mind if you PM me with any questions you have about being better about being social and having friends. I can tell you so many things of what NOT to do in social situations. Just KNOW it's NOT your fault what so ever.

As an aspie you may find Sociopaths see your deficit and try to take advantage of it.
Study what a sociopath is, and how to identify them early. Then hopefully you can keep away from these types.