Aspies adults: How do you go about making friends?
MyWorld
Deinonychus
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 320
Location: I'm in ur kitchenz, eatin ur foodz
I'm currently in college, but I'm worried that after I graduate, making friends will become even more difficult. In college, there are more opportunities to socialize with people and make a few friends. I'm rather worried about making friends after I graduate. I know I can make friends at work and at church (if I join one), but does anyone have any other suggestions?
passionatebach
Velociraptor
Joined: 8 Nov 2009
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 447
Location: Cedar Rapids, Iowa
Volunteer, partake in activities that involve your special interests. In order to make friends, you have to put yourself out there and be open to conversing with and meeting people.
One thing I think that is a sticking point with friendships once people leave college, is that the friendships are different or not as close as you had when growing up. Friendships become more what I call "spontenous acquaintanceships". You encounter one another and make plans from there to do something. After the encouter is done, everyone goes back to their lives, until you run into one another again.
Scientology is bad... no i joked
Making friend for me is a living hell. I am rejected almost instantaneous or very quickly. I think i will be lonely for a big while before try but i dosen't close the door
MyWorld
Deinonychus
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 320
Location: I'm in ur kitchenz, eatin ur foodz
[quote="passionatebach"]Volunteer, partake in activities that involve your special interests. In order to make friends, you have to put yourself out there and be open to conversing with and meeting people. quote]
Yeah, I do that in college And yes, I'm open with conversing with others and meeting them, so don't assume that I don't. Still, that not enough, at least not specific enough I guess.
I really have no idea how to make (and keep) friends. I am currently in my third year of university and I have a total of 0 friends. No one will talk to me, and I admit, I don't talk to many people either simply because I don't know what to say, when to say it, how to words things, etc. I have a couple acquaintances in one class, but that is it. We don't see eachother outside of class. For more than a year I had a really close friend who is an NT. She was one of the first NTs I felt like I could just talk openly with, and I rarely felt awkward around her. I considered her one of my best friends, and then right out of the blue she stopped calling me. We used to meet up for tea every day first semester this school year, and now I haven't seen her for four months or so. I have no idea what I did that made her not want to be friends anymore, but I just always seem to repel everyone that I go near. I have always been this way. No one seems like me no matter what I do. Now that I was just diagnosed with autism, I know that this is not just a really long "awkward phase". This is my life. Forever. And I have no idea how I am ever going to make friends.....I think I am destined to be alone.....
On the bright side, however, I am attending a meeting in a couple weeks at my province's autism centre. Maybe I will fit in more there since those people will certainly be able to understand me more.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,470
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
MyWorld
Deinonychus
Joined: 12 Nov 2008
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 320
Location: I'm in ur kitchenz, eatin ur foodz
On the bright side, however, I am attending a meeting in a couple weeks at my province's autism centre. Maybe I will fit in more there since those people will certainly be able to understand me more.
Have you thought of joining any clubs? At least for next year? I'm a junior in college too and joining clubs helps. Have you lived in the dorms (if financially possible and it does not cause you any problems)?
I can't afford to live in the dorms, but I don't think I would anyway. I am a few years older than those students, and the dorms are very loud with lots of parties and drinking. I don't think I would like that kind of environment. I was in one society at school, but it kind of dissolved after the first year. Then I was in an off-campus group with the friend I had, but once she stopped hanging out with me, I saw it as "her" group, and never went back. I've tried doing a few things here and there on campus, but as soon as I open my mouth people don't want to talk to me anymore. I never realize why what I say is so wrong. It's just become easier to go to school, go to lecture, go home.
I think part of my problem is a lack of motivation as well. Even when I do get invited somewhere (though the last time was more than a year ago!) I always find an excuse not to go. I want friends because I fear being alone and hated for the rest of my life, but on the other hand, I don't take opportunities people sometimes give me. I am so socially awkward, I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb because of the way people end up treating me. It is just so awful to always be in this predicament, but I don't know how to overcome it.
i go to an AS support group, and i have one friend left from high school. i am very grateful for these half dozen or so people. at the same time, this does not mean i have anything close to an exciting and adventurous social life, that takes up lots of time. more often than not, im sitting right here in front of my computer..
Badly
I advise you join hobby/study/interest/activity groups in your area for whatever might be slightly interesting to you... if you're reasonably friendly, then someone's bound to stick to you eventually.
I recommend gentle things that might actually help with learning to relax and stuff around people, meditation groups, yoga, aikido, tai chi things like that.
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I get involved in things that focus on my interests. Friends just sorta happen when I do that. I don't have a system. Sometimes I'm a little gutsy (what I consider gutsy) when making friends where I'll actually do something that demonstrates that I find someone interesting and would like to be their friend if they also think I'm interesting... but that usually involves me TELLING them that I think they're interesting. Subtly isn't my strongest skill.
The downside to that is if I do that with someone of the opposite sex, they might think I'm hitting on them. That's happened to me before. One person misunderstood and I cleared that up well enough and we've been just fine as friends for years but another person actually took it as an invitation and hit on me, then after I rejected him, he went really weird/gossipy telling people that I'd hit on him. It really made a nasty dent in my reputation. It took a couple people who knew me well to argue with the gossip, that I'm just friendly and wouldn't cheat on my husband. Hell, that guy wasn't even my type and I wouldn't be with him if I was single! So, there's a fine line somewhere between being friendly and being too friendly but I'll be damned if I know where that is. But I think the majority of people aren't weird about people being nice to them and they know when someone is just being friendly, even if they're as plainly spoken as we.
I never really thought much about it. Why would I want friends? I am happy enough with aquaintances, although every once in a while one of them ends up becoming a friend.
I've gotten the impression from my history of relationships with other humans that I am a nice enough guy until you get to know me
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