Am I Meant to Try and 'Win' Banter?

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Like whenever I go home, almost every time, someone calls me a name or something.

I know the PC things to do. I've googled around for them and found them, all about saying people are 'mean' or whatever.

That would make people laugh.

Am I meant to say things back to them when they're like this - try to hurt them as much as they hurt me?

Because it's getting ridiculous now. It's been this way for about 18 years. They must see me as weak. The conclusion I came to this week is they all see me as weak and are laughing at me. I want to fight back. Not physically but verbally. Pretty sure an NT would have done by now.

I've never been good at "banter."

But I sort of "get back" at them in other ways.......

They'll get theirs---most assuredly!

(note: I'm not talking about "revenge." I'm talking about asserting my smarts).

I'm not sure banter is something you "win" so much as it is a social tool to either feel people out, or bond; depending on the context.

Sometimes people say things to elicit a reaction, to see if a person will behave a certain way, sometimes as a form of amusement; at other times all of the above.

I think it comes, to most people, as a natural form of communication; not so much perhaps for we on the spectrum. It's not uncommon for people to insult each other, albeit without malicious intent per-se, but as a form of banter, as a way to bond. Although this is not always the case.

I think their kind of banter is malicious.

There's a café I go to where we tease each other. Mum doesn't like me going there because apparently I get too near the knuckle. But we tease like saying 'oh is that your boyfriend'. The football banter in there is just 'did you win any games yet' or people comment on each other's outfits.

The reason I get near the knuckle is because I'm used to the other type, where anything goes and it's about sides and winning not bonding with the person you're teasing but using them as a tool or trying to get a rise out of them. I guess to bond with friends but sometimes they do it when it's one on one.

I just want to tell them something like call them skint. Nothing as nasty as what they come out with, but just something so they know to back off or that I have some bite about me.

I think your Mum is right. Just don't go where the banter is malicious.

When i think of brutal banter I think of this...




I don't banter to win. I banter to make the other person laugh.

Banter isn't necessarily, nor does it have to be mean. Often there is a teasing spirit in it but there should still be limits. If it's something that really does make you feel bad, then it's not banter - it's someone just not being nice.

You are by no means obligated to respond to someone else trying to get you to banter with them. Whether they are trying to get you riled up or just mean it in jest - you don't have to respond if you don't want to. This is especially true if it's hurtful.

Banter is generally a game of one upping the other person. How much of a laugh you can get out of others listening in, trying to give a 'burn' to the other person etc. You're just trying to get the biggest response from listening people or to get the other to back down. But as I said, there should be limits because it can of course get cruel real fast.

I'd probably either ignore people trying to antagonize me or ask them, "Don't you have something better to do?" or maybe even ignore the fact that they're being 'playful' and take it seriously. "Why would you call me that? You really dislike me, huh?"

I don't know if anything like that might work for you, it's hard to come up with a good solution when you yourself are not faced with it. But if they have been doing this for YEARS with you not responding, at this point I would assume they're just being jerks.

I think this is what I've learnt from Sunday and thinking about it.

1 esprit d'escalier is a real thing and nothing wrong with that
2 I felt a lot more confident Sunday. Finally said and got good response for everything I had been wanting to say to them. It totally depends on the crowd and being alone in one's opinions will make one unable to answer back. Probably why I'm ok online where I'm in mixed company.
3 There are ways to answer back without sinking to their level
4 Just because they're the ones who are kicking off and going mad, doesn't mean they 'won'. Last word isn't always winning. I need to start taking it as funny if they kick off and go mad. Especially if I goaded them into that.
5 Personal safety is most important. Some of these guys are dangerous to answer back to.
6 Actually I did have proper banter at school. It's on them that I had to then go and 'banter' with adults in my preteens and early teens
7 Probably the only reason why there is gossip all over town is because I did answer back to that neighbour. It's probably not gossip which has been there for as long as I think it has. He probably spread it in revenge because I got to him. I said something much less damaging but I still said something. That stuff a few weeks ago was just the blowback

So basically - I'm at least going to have somewhere where I can vent. In all those years, I haven't had anywhere except home. And my stepdad has ridiculous levels of social anxiety where he hates annoying strangers, my mum is oblivious and my dad's - well... my dad kicks off at everything so as a result I never tell him anything until years later when he asks why I never told him (because I don't want it getting physical dad, that's why).

And if I do banter with them, I'll keep it to a degree where I can sleep at night. Just because they're being a***holes doesn't mean I have to respond in kind. I feel more confident about doing something, though. Only if provoked and only if it's safe.

I know social skills is normally about getting on with people but... I feel like some people it's not right to try and get along with. I'm never going to get on with them. I'm more likely to find my crowd elsewhere. I kind of know where I'll find my crowd. I even began to make some connections on Sunday.

Also, I wasn't weak for putting up with that stuff. I was strong. All of it.

my main problem with banther is, to keep myself in the frame. i can easily hit too hard and never notice it. and then they'd pout at me, even when they did key me up xD so well, i mostly banther with my close friends only, those, who can give and take as i do. and yes, it will look bad to an outsider. i honestly see nothing malicious in what was described above. for us its kinda normal sort of polite quips. we realise our own volatility and dont do that to strangers (unless they give us some compatible quip first). so well only way it gets malicious is, when somebody starts a banther and then gets all offended at responses. dont want it, stick to "civil" stuff xD its kinda like verbal fencing. good way to pass time, have fun, dump some stress etc. if consentual. otherwise it can be called harassment... xd

I don't think the subconscious goal with most people who participate in banter is to be the winner. I think it can be looked at as a game though and the participants as players. I know a person can "lose" at banter. I certainly have; many times.

honestly there is no win or lose. IF ofc all participants are fair. a friend gets me in bullseye, we all get a laugh, its like everybody wins. i didnt lose if i had fun. and ya, by doing that they just show how well they know me (or they wouldnt nail me), and that is endearing and causes positive emotional feedback in me. so again i didnt lose. i won.