Most of social skills comes down to just practice

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I feel like Aspies try to think their way out of problems. When really, improving at socializing doesn't require that much intelligence.

It's mostly trial and error. Putting your 10000 hours in.
If you're in high school/college, join clubs. Talk to classmates after class. Talk to people in hallways and at lunch.
If you're an adult, find some meetups/social events. Do a job where you work with other people.

You may need to make 1000 gaffes to learn proper social etiquette.
You may need to meet 100 people before you find a close friend compatible with you.
You may make some mistakes that mar some friendships, and that's the tuition fee you pay to get better.
Doing immature things is part of how you learn from mistakes, humble yourself and mature as a person.[/list]

Some guides, videos and discussions articles online can help a bit, maybe 10-20%. But the other 80-90% is just raw grinding.

The person who makes the 1000 mistakes in 1 year will learn faster than the person who makes the 1000 mistakes across 7 years.

Yes and no. As far as masking goes, I guess so. But, the skills aren't necessarily always very durable. I'm currently in burnout and I've pretty much lost most of the usual skills for things like eye contact and at times speaking fluently or remembering to ask about other people.

In my case, no.
Mine comes down to internal regulation and inner states.

If I have no issues with any of those, there will be a room for learning, putting up with trial and error, and with all past experiences relevant and accessible.

Yet if I do, all that is inaccessible -- my 10000 hour worth of practice is worthless because I'm too busy being distracted over sensations, irrelevant thoughts and feelings.

On top of that, all experiences through the dysfunctional states meant there are no learning, experience that do not count. I can commit 1000 mistakes, no matter how similar or different -- and will never learned from any of that.


So for me, personally...
Social skills are not skills, but are 'states'.
Like hunger or sleepiness. Since when being hungry and tired a skill?

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There's some truth in what you're saying - avoiding social contact is a sure way for any skills you have to grow rusty and make it even harder when you try to re-engage. That's true for NTs and NDs.

That said, you're not allowing for the sheer effort it takes for people with ASD to socialise, which is undoubtedly greater than for neurotypicals. Many of the processes that are happening automatically for NTs never stop being conscious, manual effort for people with ASD. Many of the social environments that NT's find comfortable never stop being overwhelming for ASD people. Hence burnout. Hence meltdowns and shutdowns.

I don't agree that people with ASD should be able to 'grind' through this stuff. I do agree that we make it harder for ourselves when we stop trying.

I hate the term "masking".

In my opinion, if you do it properly, you'll connect with people organically instead of feeling like you have to put on a mask.

It just comes down to basic things:
* Sharing a conversation
* Asking a person about things that they're interested in (and when they bring up a subject, enquire about that)
* Being aware of their emotional state

I definitely agree that social skills practice is trial and error mostly, but I do think there are add-ons to this process that can give it a boost. Due to the nature of having a mind that is often more analytical when it comes to social situations, I have also sometimes approached situations in a bookish manner. I'm not suggesting that simply reading books is going to make social skills blossom, but that some, such as Aspie Teens: Secret Book of Social Rules, can serve as a great reference for reading and then applying. For example, this book contains tips on how to better navigate conflicts with other people, and one can just read from the tips and then apply them in the real world with people they know, much like a computer programmer opens a book on coding when they start to train themselves on a machine. It may sound like an overly-artificial approach, but it does provide you with a general guide for social parameters and what the most appropriate answers are for certain scenarios.
Another important thing to know is that there are many people out there on the spectrum that sort of freeload off of others for social advice / guidance. Avoid this as much as possible. I was briefly friends with one guy in college who did this to me and I kept telling him he needs to think for himself with how he figures out the social world (I gave him minimal advice, and he kept asking me afterward). Whether it's research, speech therapy, or simply trial and error we use, it's wrong to constantly ask others for this advice as we are not necessarily learning this way. Most of the time, we need to govern ourselves the best we can with social interaction.
One more thing that helps is finding a job that thrusts you into social interactions. I currently work as a sales advisor in retail and I greet and talk to many customers every single shift. I know it's because I have to, but I think this has helped me greatly socially and emotionally--and I'm getting paid while doing so. I'm no master at reading other people still, but I am at least less shy and more outgoing.

It can be much harder if you have face blindness and haven't a clue as to who you are talking to!

I'm sure it's possible for some of us, but not all who are on the spectrum. I can socialize... to an extent. I've been working alongside professors and professionals in higher education the last three years, and I still cannot grasp what is expected of me in social situations. A variety of things happen when I attend an event or something social.

1. I may get nervous during the conversation and start saying ridiculous things that don't make sense or come out not in the way I meant.
2. I may have a conversation and halfway through it I'll completely forget what the others were talking about and blank out... For no reason, it just randomly happens in social settings.
3. I may enter the event and not know "which table in the cafeteria has my people." As in, do I sit with Frank who is also socially awkward? Or do I sit with my coworkers who is possibly purposely avoiding eye contact so that I don't sit with them? Or do I sit by myself and hope someone who can carry a conversation comes over to say hello? Not knowing one's place or who exactly one's "people" are is difficult in social gatherings.
4. I may join a conversation and when someone asks my opinion or asks a question, I automatically become a deer in headlights, drawing nothing but blanks. This happens in small and large social gatherings, whether with people I know or don't know.
5. I mask until any 1-4 happens

I have practiced, taken courses, practiced more, and prayed for change but no matter how hard I work at it, it feels like I'm not the person at the event people want to talk to, ya'know? For context, I'm in the process of being diagnosed with ASD at 38 y/o. I sure wish I could change these glitches in my social skills.

For young people on the spectrum, say in their teens and twenties, practicing social skills is probably helpful.

But I suspect most autistics over 40 or so are probably like me - after decades of trying to overcome our difficulties in social situations we're too tired and burnt out to keep up the effort required. Nowadays I actually get physically ill with too much social exposure. Unfortunately that does mean I'm losing skills, but it seems there's nothing I can do about it. Nobody is going to keep doing something that makes them ill.