any protoclos of social interaction you've learnt recently?

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I learnt this from watching a sitcom, I didn't know about it before -- When shaking hands make eye contact, apparently it's a sign of sincerity! You can learn stuff from sitcoms, as they are exagerated dramas about how NTs percieve the world. But there is a grain of truth there me thinks, right?

Other things I have learnt recenty -- Making straight eye contact means you are being honest.

Oh yeah, never 'um' or stutter when asked a question (I think a lot of people here on this forum get mind blanks and take time to gather ideas), as it lets the other person think you are hiding something!

In other words, the underpinning of much social interaction seems to be putting a show on and giving an impression that you are sincere, honest and that important thing self confident.

Any other things you've recently learnt or learnt later in life?

Good thread idea.

I've learnt today that when you're wearing glasses all the time, people generally compliment you because they either only want you to feel better, or aren't used to anything else.

Contact lenses tomorrow!

I agree that you can learn things from sitcoms. I've often thought that I would like to record the old Bill Cosby shows to teach social skills to my son -- first of all, the Cosby show was clean and entertaining, therefore suitable for kids, but also, there was a LOT of social skills information going on in that show.

Too bad the sitcom is slowly becoming a thing of the past, making way for reality shows and other TV crud that teaches nothing AND isn't entertaining.

True - it goes the other way around, too. If you say 'um' a lot or shift your eyes around, basically making yourself unsure, you seem insincere. I intentionally tested this a few years ago and was accused of lying when I was in fact telling the truth... good thing to know!

Another thing - don't ask people "yes" or "no" questions when getting to know them. Instead of saying "Do you like music?" ask them "What kind of music do you like?" People love talking about themselves, especially when they feel the listener really cares about what they're saying. It's also a great way of keeping the conversation flowing.

I love the idea of this thread!

Furthermore, does anyone have any tips on when to speak in a large group? Something I need to work on - I always interrupt people, or start speaking at the same time when someone else is. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

I've learnt today that when you're wearing glasses all the time, people generally compliment you because they either only want you to feel better, or aren't used to anything else.

Yeah, I can understand that, but that is if you don't wear glasses often and then decide to wear it from time to time. It makes you appear different and then someone will comment. I suppose it's all 'small talk'. Like -- 'You cut your hair, I noticed something different'. That also makes the listener know that you take notice of the other person, which is general kindness I think. That's what I tend to understand, could be wrong though.

there was a LOT of social skills information going on in that show.

I think there is so much stuff going on in dramas as well, I would say more with dramas. I don't like sitcomes that much, though the oldies like the 'Cosby Show' were alright. Oh I don't like 'Friends' and 'Will & Grace', though you probably learn more about adult interactions from the latter ones, especially stuff you don't like and which often define many social interactions. It can help develop a firewall against these traits!

Furthermore, does anyone have any tips on when to speak in a large group? Something I need to work on - I always interrupt people, or start speaking at the same time when someone else is. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

That's a difficult one, as I usually don't interact with large groups. If I do, I'd just slip into the background and just switch off and wait till everyone decides to call it a day! Then off we go! Unless something really interesting turns up and then ... I kinda speak to people and ahem, get carried away.

I think it's just waiting for a gap, though with a lot of people around it may not happen. It's a tricky one, it really is. In extra large groups maybe choose one or two people to speak to and have your own little own convo, it makes it more manageable and it appears that you are taking the effort to mingle (Appearences matter!)

Good advice! I'm fine when I'm one on one, or maybe add in a few extra people... once it gets to at least 5 or 6 people talking then everything gets tricky. Thanks!

Try to memorize everyone's name, and call them by it when you talk to them.

That's difficult for me, though. I talk to so many random people that it's hard to remember all the names (and with my current state of exhaustion, I tend to not be able to remember them even when the person has just introduced themself)

Super thread.

The eye contact during handshake is apparently something a lot of NTs get wrong - it came up in a seminar I took a few years ago.


Pinkbowtiepumps asked about large groups. One thing that often works for me is to notice who's sort of "shining" or center of attention of at least a smaller circle, and when there's space to ask a question that gets them talking again.

It makes a huge difference if I notice from body language - before trying to wander nonchalantly into a group LOL - how open their body language is, whether they're making space in my direction. If I notice they're not open, or are very caught up in discussion, I just don't go there. A few times I've been on the receiving end of people trying to steamroll their way into a smaller circle w/in a large group setting, and it was really uncomfortable. Maybe it wasn't as grueling for the NTs as it was for me, but they seemed annoyed. I felt really bad for not opening it up to the person, b/c that's something I'm pretty good at doing when it seems required. But I've got enough choking me, I can't be doing their work for them.

"No binary questions" was my father's way of phrasing pinkbowtiepumps' "ask open-ended questions" guideline.


Aalto's point about glasses wasn't quite clear to me, but I've been wearing mine ALL the time lately, maybe hiding behind them or something. I'll make a point to wear contacts this weekend.

Names - I tell people straight-out that I remember names easily if I've seen them in writing, and if it's not too awkward, write down their name (to check spelling etc) on a bit of paper.


Another of my father's rules of thumb was that if you feel thirsty or hungry, other people probably do too, and it's polite to offer them something.



Anyone know what to do when you're invited someplace and the host doesn't provide something you feel is necessary for your own good manners? It hasn't happened in ages, but once I was at a brunch in someone's home, and there were hard-boiled eggs but no receptacle for the shells. I can't remember exactly why, but it was clear that putting the shell on one's plate wouldn't have been okay. An NT local I later asked about this said "houseplants!" and then, more seriously, just don't eat the egg. But I'd needed protein. My solution was workable but it's the kind of situation that feels like a set-up to me, even if it was just carelessness or ineptitude on the part of the host.

Name memorization isn't a problem for me as I can remember names from twenty years ago, but addressing people by their name is difficult for me. It is an extremely intimate gesture in my worldview, and something I rarely do unless I've known them for several months and maybe not even then.

Unfortunately, using a person's name is paramount to fostering social connections. I've learnt that through observation and am painfully trying to amend my way of thinking. If I had my druthers, however, names would not be needed.

I learned that when a police officer asks you if you've done any drugs (he asked me when he pulled me over for not showing my turn signal), simply saying "no" in a flat voice will make him think you're lying. That what I did at first, only to see him asking me more forcefully. So I told him: "oh hell no" in a slightly firmer tone. Much to my surprise, he spoke to me much more politely after I said that. He still gave me a ticket, by the way. But he did lay off the drug topic.

*Note: a few older people might consider "hell" to be a bad word. But in most cases, it's acceptable to use it in conversation with the police (as long as you're not saying "go to hell").

"oh hell no"

I think it's about being assertive. At times its ok to swear, which is sad, a culture that rewards the vulgar and crude. It shows macho and macho (even for women at times) is expected and rewarded.

Mind blanks, needing to think before anything, trains of thought, living like a hermit in your own head are frowned upon, and in the laws of 'keeping up appearences' it leads to different conclusions. Like Aspie1 said, the policeman believed him when being assertive, otherwise it means something else. I am so perlexed about that one.

Thanks. I finally figured out why I hated "I Love Lucy," but my sister made me watch it. It was always the same plot. Some dumb little thing happens that is nobody's fault and no sane person would give you a hard time about it, but Lucy assumes that she will get in trouble. So she lies to cover up the original little thing, then lies to cover the lie, then lies again, each time making the problem worse... and it aways ends with a factory exploding or something. It was always so stupid that I wanted to tear my hair out.
I found out years later that this really is the real world. People really do stupid things like that, all the time. And the moral of the story is... duh... uh... TV is funny?

The Cosby show actually was funny and never annoyed me. But I don't remember any plots.

The last sitcom I saw -- the idiot husband accidentally told the kid's teacher that the wife (a college grad, 4.0 average) was illiterate. Why she didn't kill him on the spot, it didn't say. I turned it off, but I'm sure it ended in hugs and forgiveness.

Damn, I hate the world.

Wait, wait... Maybe I do get it after all.
In any given situation, just use your most vivid imagination and do the stupidest thing you can imagine. Aim for the world's record of idiocy. They'll love you.

I've learnt this from observations at work. Despite listening to many co-workers (especially women) tell all about their lives to their co-workers it seems its better not to. I mean I used to think the way NT's thought you were friendly is by answering every question they asked and telling all about your personal life. Hmmm I don't think I am explaining it that well here though. But I just realized being what equates to being honest and letting your coworkers know that you aren't dating, spent the whole weekend alone, have a multitude of terrible illnesses or bizarre food allergies or being honest and really telling people about your goofy hobbies will make them turn away from you. Better to be slightly aloof and mysterious. Don't let everyone know your business in other words or they will decide something is wrong with you. It also gives them less ammunition against you if they know nothing.

One example is don't tell strangers you are disabled. Just say oh I've been having trouble with my knee lately and can't take the stairs. Doesn't matter if its permanent you don't need to tell them you are handicapped. If you are allergic to everything in Mexican food, don't say I'm allergic to corn, chili peppers, beans, onions, garlic, tomatoes, avocados and also lactose intolerant. Even though that is the honest truth. If they offer you Mex food at the company potluck just say sorry can't handle spicy foods because it bothers my stomach. For some reason people view food allergies as a sign of personal weakness or lack of integrity. Its hard for me as an Aspie to comprehend not being totally honest as it is my weakness. I am learning to gloss over things like NT's do.

I've been doing research about things such as body language. Here are a few things I've learned:

- Don't cross your arms, and don't fold your hands or fidget with them. Keep them out in the open and use them to gesture when making a point.

- Don't cross your legs; keep your feet flat on the floor.

- What you wear really says volumes about the kind of person you are.

Very excellent points Idaho Rose.

I just wanted to add that in highschool my very NT friend also scolded me for not keeping my hands above the table.

Also I have read when in conversation with someone you should assume the same posture and use same body language as they do. If they lean forward to tell you something they find thrilling or important then lean in towards them as it means you are being attentive.