A few weeks ago, I was once more permanently relieved of my duties as an online math tutor. Apparently, my content knowledge and approach weren't good enough for the company. I only tried improving in areas when my mentor provided resources for specific math problems with which I had difficulty understanding or explaining. I hardly looked at the tutoring manuals or videos provided on the website. Not only were they boring to me, but going out of my way to improve at doing a job that I truly HATED only further reminded me that I was doing a job that made me feel miserable. I used my downtime to avoid thinking about my job as much as possible, lest I perform even more self-harm out of frustration for my situation. At first, I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about any of this, especially my parents, but now I'm ready to express myself.
You see, I get panic attacks just from trying to apply online, especially when it's for a job my parents suggested. I can only think about getting ignored, or rejected post-interview, or even fired. All these negative thoughts about failure make me want to hurt myself because it's how I ease the pain. Ignoring these urges makes me want to hurt myself even more, and I'm afraid that I might damage property or assault someone else if I don't take my frustration out on my own body. And to make matters worse, my panic attacks have only gotten worse with each attempt at getting a job.
My dad and mom are really stubborn about what they want from me. My mom doesn't want lip from me, no matter how much I hate the job offers or how often I've been forced to resign because of my emotional outbursts. My dad thinks I'm above menial jobs like bag boy, but I'd like to give something like that a shot because even if I melt down, non-academic jobs sound like a good change-of-pace for me, and I'm really getting sick of tutoring. (Becoming a certified teacher is out of the question because that requires more coursework and tests; I've had enough of all that.) It's like I can't please anyone.
I'm tired of applying for jobs that I don't want as much as my parents. Recently, I've been trying to look for employment at places I used to visit as a child during family outings. So far, the places looking for fresh meat want me to apply in person, and that's just not going to happen until it cools down. (Where I live, the outdoor temperature can reach triple-digits Fahrenheit-wise; if just applying for a job requires me to risk getting dehydrated and sunburnt, I say those jobs aren't worth the effort.) If all else fails, I guess I'll go back to online math tutoring, and after a few weeks, I'll do this song and dance all over again.
P. S.: I'm trying to get professional help again, but it won't be for quite a while because my family is planning yet another stress-inducing vacation soon. Yay.
