Aloofness
I'm finding that it's not easy having an Aspie boyfriend. First he gives me mixed signals, then he loses interest for a month because he's so depressed, and now that he's showing interest again, things are still as confusing as ever.
For the past three weeks I was troubled because he wasn't consistently passionate. I don't expect anyone to be in the mood all the time, but it's strange when someone can't keep their hands to themself one day and refuses to touch you at all the next. I was afraid that maybe he wasn't attracted to me specifically and was only using me, or that I was doing something wrong and turning him off.
We talked about it yesterday and I finally learned that no, it's not just me. He said he's usually not interested in sex and would prefer just to have someone's company, and that it used to wind up his former girlfriend, who would try to make him feel guilty about it. It makes me feel a lot better to know that it's not because he doesn't feel attraction for me or care about me, but now I'm wondering...
Is it common for Aspies to feel asexual most of the time and only be passionate occasionally? Or is this just a peculiarity of the one I've fallen for?
Runs in cycles... can get distracted with fixations, or depressed. Sometimes misunderstand signals (apparently) and instead of realizing my partner wants attention/affection, instead think they want space. Communication is key. Also, I've realized over the years that I prefer a more aggressive partner who is comfortable letting me know what she wants. I have never done hints or suggestions well.
M.
_________________
My thanks to all the wonderful members here; I will miss the opportunity to continue to learn and work with you.
For those who seek an alternative, it is coming.
So long, and thanks for all the fish!
Don't take it personally, Veruniel. I'm learning that we all express our AS differently, but what you describe is fairly common. I know to "not take it personally" is easier said than done, but at least knowing that that's a direction you might want to take helps, as you'll be able to get in that space sometimes.
All the best,
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"Me voici donc seul sur la terre, n'ayant plus de frère de prochain d'ami de société que moi-même." Jean-Jacques Rousseau
"Do not think, 'I am alone.'" Sasaki Roshi
WonderWoman
Don't like this suggestion, at all - just personal opinion, but it seems like a game... and for myself, I don't do hints well. Still think that communication is best with compromise.
M.
_________________
My thanks to all the wonderful members here; I will miss the opportunity to continue to learn and work with you.
For those who seek an alternative, it is coming.
So long, and thanks for all the fish!
That's not my point at all, and made it previously. It is a game, which is something I don't understand or agree with. It relies on subtlety, and with one on the spectrum that is not generally an effective method of communication. It is an alternative to communication, and I think that is central to a relationship. Lastly, it is a manipulation of the trust in a relationship, and that isn't something I find attractive in others.
M.
_________________
My thanks to all the wonderful members here; I will miss the opportunity to continue to learn and work with you.
For those who seek an alternative, it is coming.
So long, and thanks for all the fish!
This happens the same way in a freeze-out. If a guy stops getting attention from his partner, he'll take the initiative in seeking that attention from her.
Especially if we're talking about a partner that is comfortable with disengagement.
I agree. I wouldn't want to manipulate. I'm slowly getting used to the idea of having someone who just wants company most of the time, and I find I'm usually satisfied with just talking because what I like most about him is his personality, not the occasional snogging sessions. Sometimes I wish he were in the mood a little more often, but I wouldn't want to try to change him (which in my experience never works) or make him feel guilty like his last girlfriend (which just seems cruel).