Fear response to positive reactions from some people

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I have something I just wanted to talk about since I had it hit me again maybe half an hour ago. Maybe this is because of past experince, the more I think about it that's probably all about what it is.

Here's what it is though. I'm 25, only have highschool 7 years behind me, and have still been surrounded by a lot of highschool mentality for a long time. I have had a lot of very hard times at the hands of people who were popular, stark alpha, and over time developed quite a bit of a fear response to em. Good thing is in the past 5 years I've turned that anxiety arround with other guys at least pretty well. Women on the other hand, while I've gotten real good at consealing it a lot of times, I still have a bit of that left. However when I do get negative responses off the start from stark alpha women it doesn't scare me, if anything it's like they see my weaknesses right off the bat outwardly and usually I can have em at least being respectful of me and having thse negative emotions or thoughts negotiated just by seeing my real personality over time (seems like if someone has contempt for you right off the bat they pay a lot of attention - in a way that almost works for the better if you can turn it arround). The other strange thing about that scenareo is that the negatives got taken care of right off the bat and it eases a lot of fear I might have had. The only thing is it leaves me with an internal fear when they treat me equitably or treat me with the same ammount f respect of understanding they would anyone else.

All that of course is understandable, but what really gets me is that I even have this fear more when I meet a girl who's stark alpha, maybe soemone who's on the periphery of my interactions (a store atendent or whatever), and they're nice to me right off the bat or after a few times of seeing me. Sometimes they'll show me that sort of friendliness right off the bat lie they have me sizesd up to be a cool enough guy. The thing is, I know even if I do make an aspie slip-up in front of em that they aren't gonna bite (they knew the me underneate the muzzle first and they'll take it as unusual or detatched from who I am). On the other hand I'm used to a lot of situations like that slowly turning bitter and going that way for a long time untill everythign reconciles out.

Why does that second situation also make me real iuneasy? It's like some level of trust has been built to where if I did somethign socially choppy or didn't socially perform up to NT standards at some point that I'm violating some kind of trust (even if its a gestural or semantic thing - I never make all out social judgment mistakes anymore). I also used to have that godaweful internal reaction of "Hey, maybe she likes me!" - thank god I've beaten that out of myself years ago (especially when the sincere friendliness I'm catching is that, nothing more, and I know it; REAL uncomfortable). However, I still have that fear of the thought even trying to push its way into my head.

Lol, do I sound like enough of a self-control freak by now? To be honest that's something I feel I'll live and die by just about and its been my only remedy to the harder problems of AS. Not that I have any real profound questions to ask from this post, if anything I'm maybe just using this post to talk it out and purge this a little. I know most of you don't have the same social attitude or approach that I do, may not be able to relate to me at all on this, and may even wanna strike out at me for being out of step with the AS social agenda (there seems to be one unfortunately everyway I look and it seems anti NT-apeasement). For those who can relate though, when you had these feelings, how many years of practice and experience did it take to work it's way out? Right now I can say that with a lot of these stark judgemental alphas, unfortunately, that my personality is a lot more like theirs if anything underneath my AS. Yeah, I've learned a heck of a lot of compassion for other people by having AS, but from other angles I still feel like one of em inwardly and that's probably why what they think of me probably has so much effect (even more when they show me good will with all the expectations that seems to add).

Yes - I have two people in my life that have been very positive and since I've decided to quit acting like a normal person except at work I am constantly asking them if I am being embarassing - like yesterday I was at a toy store with one of them (you can see where this is going) and they had some great toys - including puppets and plastic balls with plastic bugs in them and slinky rings and flashing rings and tubes with sparkly things in them and these spinning hangy wind things that I could, very easily, spend the rest of my life looking at - well, I just went over there and played with these toys (bear in mind that I am 31) while she was shopping for something for some child she knows . . . and she came over and got me when she got ready to leave and I was asking all night if I was being embarssing, but she says no, but I keep expecting either of these people to just, at any moment say 'I've had it with you . . .' and walk away . . . and I won't be upset with either of them if they do because I am very difficult to be around and all of my relationships tend to go south quickly . . .

Is that sort of what you are saying . . .

I know this feeling very, very well.

I have a small number of people who I can be 'myself' with, but I still fear loosing them by being myself.

Not in the personal specifics but yeah, it's the same general idea.

techstepgenr8tion, I've had pretty much the same experiences, and have formulated pretty much the same responses as you have.

It makes it easier for me to assume 100% that friendly gestures on the part of women are just that. I'm friendly back, and that's it.

On the rare occasions I might want to ask them on a date, I will come back later and ask them outright, rather than doing so in direct response to "friendliness". Then it's a) my decision (always dear to an aspie control freak's heart), and b) I think it takes some of the worry off her, feeling like if she's friendly I might right away bray out something embarassing.

Funny thing is, I think over the years some of these women I saw on a regular basis were actually trying to get my attention, and when I just kept being friendly and "not noticing", eventually got a bit disappointed or PO'd with me... or maybe decided I wasn't all there (which I suppose is true, in a way.) The perils of automatic, rule-based compartmentalization...

You've gotta be fair with yourself though - having AS, odds are if they saw your akwardness toward flirting, interplay, and all that spontaneous stuff, they'd probably figure they didn't want it at your expense (in a way where they wrote you down) rather than by just getting PO'd that you won't make a pass. IMO it's a lose/lose situation where I've got much less to lose by being careful than how it looks from the onset.

It seems to me likt its never safe to really buy into their interest unless they've seen you for all your strengths and weakness (ie. have seen you make unthinkable AS slip-ups, even if its been a lot of minor things adding up). On the other hand, I keep getting told that they want a guy to declare his intentions upfront and that you can only get em if your willing to try macking on em before you even know what kind of personality they have. Jake, isn't it.

I can see what you mean. For the records, I'm male, just so you can think accordingly in what I'm going to talk about.

For guys, it's pretty simple. If a guy hasn't given me any reason not to trust him, and is treating me respectfully, I'll be be respectful back. If he has, I simply refuse to go along with anything he asks.

For girls, it's a lot more complicated. Over the years, I've overcome a lot of my AS-related problems, and can now talk to girls with little discomfort. However, the notion of a girl liking me is still very new, and I often find myself at a loss of what to do or say when a girl shows interest. I tend to think that she's simply a friendly person who wants someone to talk to, rather than think she likes me. Oftentimes, I later find out that she did like me, and I missed the opportunity. My friends tell me to give myself more credit, but I still have difficulty accepting the fact that there are girls out there who would be interested in me.