Why do I keep attracting such selfish friends?

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She has never been diagnosed with any kind of disability, nor I have ever seen evidence of her possessing cognitive/social challenges. I've known her very well for years and have been around her in numerous contexts. I think it's dangerous to project autistic qualities onto people so easily, and I refuse to consider the possibility that somebody is disabled merely because they are unwilling to do something. As I said, she is SUPREMELY good at using her smartphone and navigating the world with her GPS on a daily basis.





I often meet people at parties through other people that I know. There are lots of parties in NYC. And I meet people in classes and at gigs. When I feel like I'm really connecting with someone and building rapport, I reach out via text. Just a friendly text, not trying to push them into a friendship. But they usually either don't respond or respond only once out of politeness before fading away. It's always a dead end. The only times that people are ever willing to talk to me or hang out with me, they inevitably turn out to be like the two women I have discussed on this thread. There have been others in the past as well, but these are just the most recent examples.




So, what exactly should I have done? Waltzed off to hang out with my friend when my cat was DYING on 2 separate occasions? That is not responsible pet ownership. I agree that cancelling multiple times is generally an inconsiderate thing to do, but that does not apply in life-or-death situations. The idea that a friend must keep their social plans with you even when a life-threatening emergency comes up in their family is unspeakably selfish. If it's not selfish, I'm honestly not sure what is.

It’s not just pet health emergencies either. What if it was a family member who ended up in the hospital or you for that matter? She going to guilt trip for that?

Additionally, she lives 2 hours away from you and gas prices are not cheap.

While I do understand that she was looking forward to having you and felt let down, it sounds like you wanted to be there and she is being immature

I asked because "birds of a feather flock together." Friends of autistic people are likelier than the average person to be autistic themselves. Of course, this certainly doesn't mean that all friends of autistic people are autistic.

More generally, have any of your past close friends been autistic or otherwise neurodivergent, or at least people who you thought were likely to be autistic/ND? Or have all or most of them been NT's as far you could tell?


And lots of other kinds of events too. I know. I live here too.


The main thing I'm wondering is whether you have ever made a point of seeking out fellow oddballs of one kind or another, in social scenes targeted to some particular marginalized demographic, or whether all or most of the events you've attended have been culturally mainstream, attracting more-or-less random people.

I personally have been more successful at making friends than many autistic people apparently are. I attribute my relative success, in part, to the fact that throughout my adult life, I've always sought out fellow oddballs, in oddball subcultures of one kind or another.

Also, because of my difficulties with picking up on subtle hints, I've long known that I needed to have friends who were assertive (preferably without being aggressive).


You say that the friend with whom you had the road trip incident had tended to be "selfish" and "lazy" all along.

On the other hand, I get the impression that your most recent friend was someone with whom you got along just fine until the recent blow-up. Is that correct?

Into which of the above two categories have most of your friends fallen? People who were obviously selfish and/or lazy all along, or people with whom everything seemed to be going fine until all of a sudden they blew up at you about something unreasonable? Or did most of them fall into neither of the above two categories?

How is your cat doing, by the way?

Thank you for asking. My cat is still very fragile...... breathing, but only just. He doesn't need the oxygen machine as of right now but I still gotta keep an eye on him in case things take a turn. He's definitely not out of the woods yet.

The people I gravitate toward are quirky creative types like myself. Not necessarily autistic (there was one who had AS, though she had no interest in hanging out with me outside of work) but definitely offbeat individuals who share similar ambitions and interests to mine. I am an actress and a singer, and I run in those circles.

I would say that both women are people I got along with until their shortcomings began to overshadow their goodness. My former best friend was definitely selfish and lazy all along, though mostly in smaller ways that I was willing to overlook and ignore. In regards to laziness, we went to drama school together and I distinctly remember that she had the self-discipline of a small child. She barely put in the minimum amount of effort required to get by and was only an actress whenever she felt like being one. Yet she would complain whenever the teachers praised other students more than her. But it wasn't until she got into a relationship that her selfishness became a serious issue for me. As soon as she started dating, she refused to see me, talk to me, hang out for me or be there when I needed her. She would make plans and never follow through because she decided she would rather spend time with her new squeeze. But then the relationship fizzled out, and she needed someone to help her feel better. So all of a sudden she became available again. I tried my best to forgive her for disappearing on me because I was just glad to have her back in my life. However, when we went on the road trip, I finally saw all of her bad qualities at their very worst. That was the final nail in the coffin.

The second woman had some very apparent negative qualities, but I try to accept people as they are because nobody is perfect and we all have our blind spots. She is an extreme near freak (probably has undiagnosed OCD) and requires her living space to be as clean as a hospital. She cannot live with roommates because nobody is as clean as her and she wants people to help her wash the bathroom multiple times a day. She is always broke and lives off of food stamps, yet she has an extremely negative view of other people who are also poor, claiming that they have "zero character" and "do not deserve my respect on any level." She is really fun to talk to, but she also had a cloud of negativity that didn't always leave me feeling great (even when the negativity wasn't directed at me). She criticizes other people constantly and for the pettiest reasons. Not long before our big fight, she was telling me about a cute guy she was hitting it off with at a New Year's Party. He said he didn't want a glass of champagne because his stomach wasn't feeling great. She said how in that moment, she was instantly repulsed by him because he shared "graphic details about his gastrointestinal life that I did not need to hear about." In retrospect, I suppose she was never a healthy person to have in my life. But holding my cat's healthcare needs against me personally? That was the dealbreaker for me.

Have you ever participated in any local autistic adult support groups or social groups?

These groups contain people from all walks of life, often including at least a few people who work in performing arts.

(I suspect that people in performing arts, especially actors, are over-represented among autistic people, perhaps partly because many autistic people take drama classes in an effort to improve social skills. Also there have been some studies showing that autistic people have an above-average likelihood of having musical talent.)


When people in general get into romantic relationships, they inevitably spend less time with friends. Ideally they don't totally flake out on their friends. But too many people, alas, "disappear into the sunset" altogether.


I agree. The important and tricky question is, which negative qualities are forgivable vs. which ones should be regarded as red flags.


That I would consider to be a red flag. If someone in my life criticizes other people constantly and for the pettiest reasons, then they are almost certainly likely to criticize me for petty reasons too, and to spread negative gossip about me.

I hope your cat recovers soon.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 14 Jan 2023, 9:50 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Needs > Wants

The cat needs to breath or it will die. The friend isn't going to die if someone doesn't attend her dinner party.



No we don't. Has SummerAndSmoke started worshipping her cat? I don't think so.

To suggest that modern people are worshipping their pets is just Chicken Little saying the sky is falling.

You don't know that for sure.

No we don't. Has SummerAndSmoke started worshipping her cat?

Retro, well said as I agree with you regarding the “Friend” having a tantrum because SunmerandSmoke didn’t go to her dinner party. As I said, this woman sounds incredibly controlling and is probably upset because she didn’t get her way. She also sounds like she is extremely needy. While she had problems, it’s not SummerandSmoke’s responsibility to please her.

I used to be friends with someone like that who had more severe disabilities. She basically lived a sheltered life way out in the boondocks and was lonely. Because of that, she somehow had this idea that I should stop what I am doing and give her attention.


She would call and text me excessively and would have a fit when she realized that I had my own life and other friends.

“I want you, I need you, I miss you.”

She one time tried to manipulate me into believing she was feeling suicidal because I kept ignoring her.